*Re-posted

Dear Sky,

One aspect of your current situation is that it is temporary and you are going to finish your current educational process in a year’s time.

You described anxiety attacks, guilt, anger, pain and unhappiness inside.

One suggestion is to try and deal with just one situation at a time, to keep focussed on just the thing that you are doing in the best way that you can. Our external circumstances are as it is difficult to deal with. It is not fair to ourselves that we compound that by pressurizing ourselves with expectations that are unreasonable.

About embracing isolation, we need to understand and accept that we are good and worthy as we are. Anytime we find ourself criticizing ourselves, we need to challenge that and replace it with thoughts that are nourishing.

There is no hard and fast rule that making friends after 30 has to be difficult. When we love ourselves, when we understand and do what is best for ourselves, then people who are good for us and well suited to us are more likely to come to our lives.

Take care

Dear Miranam,

This exchange has been very fruitful for me too. After I read your last post, I was relooking at how automatic patterns tend to recur in my life. Specific situations and behaviors tend to elicit specific lines of thought. With mindfulness, I am aware of what happens and with conscious effort it is possible to change the line of thought. But as you said it is hardwork and difficult but the effort is totally worth it. I used to think that there should be an ease to it if it is “natural” but if “natural” or default mode is not leading to what I want then effort even if it is difficult is totally worth it when it leads to betterment.

I liked the way you defined passion and expectation. Passion – a strong emotional investment into something which has an outcome. Expectation – a desire for an outcome.

And yes I believe when the outcome or goal is something that you keep in the realm of our own control, then passion can be kept alive on an ongoing basis. Joy and fulfillment can be felt as and when it is achieved; even after achieving it you create more achievable outcomes and the joy should grow.

Dear Savanah,

Thinking back about that period, it was indeed something like a man cave. I shut people out completely during that phase. The day to day interaction was of course there but in my headspace there was only me and no space for anyone else.

Keep yourself safe from his anger. Disability is something that changes a person hopefully for the better. In the phase where you can’t talk or see him, maybe thoughtful gestures in the form of supportive statements or maybe gifts that you know from your interactions from him that he would appreciate may help.

Good to read that your misunderstanding is not strong enough to break you apart. Hope things get better. Keep the one thing foremost in your mind about what is in your control – that is your well being.

Take care.

Dear Miranam.

About the shift in curiosity that I was talking about, I think I might not have been clear. I have developed a deep curiosity about myself, why I think in a particular way and do things correspondingly. To understand all the complexities that goes in to forming me has become a new  interest for me. I assume that the person that I am interacting with is also a sum total of all his/her circumstances. So all interactions become a source of knowledge for me – one by the way I interact with them I know what is happening in me and secondly observing their words and actions give an insight in to what goes on in them. Being empathetic adds an additional element by making me imagine what I had do in their situations or circumstances. Overall this has helped me with conversations. I do agree that small talk and similar can drain us really badly but there is always a possibility of learning even in them.

Lowering expectations and effect on passion for life – I am not sure I completely understand that. I still believe that passion is an essential component to life and I wouldn’t compromise on that. Maybe recalibrating what passion means depending on what situations prevail at one point in time is what is needed.

Hope to read more from you as your progress on your journey. Always a pleasure communicating with you.

Take care.

Dear Savanah,

Hope there is an improvement in your situation.

You wrote about your letter. Did you get a response from him? Your further communication, I believe should be based on his response.

With a major event like what you described for him, it takes a lot of time till the person involved comes to some level of acceptance about it. That depends so much on the individual involved. There is likely the thinking that – “I should be able to handle it on my own; at the same time any supportive statements will also be appreciated.

Maybe periodic communication to check on his recovery and to offer your support any time he needs it may help.

Dear E,

Keep doing your best. Focus on the events that you can control. Others’ thoughts and perceptions can never be made out.

Take care

Dear Dorothee,

Good to read more about the positive vibes that you feel and great advice that you are getting here.

You asked about what to do about the anxiety that you feel when you think of your ex doing drugs. You have broken up with him and gotten back despite all his toxicity for you. So for a complete healing it is very important that you try and maintain absolutely not contact with him whatsoever.

Regarding the concern that you still seem to have, the most practical option would be to inform his family or friends whoever cares about him about the situation with him and then let to go at that.

You need to focus more on things that are in your control and the most important thing would be your healing process and growth.

It is very common to keep thinking of the past and feeling hurt despite knowing intellectually the need to move on. Here is where mindfulness and meditation help. You feel the hurt yet you are aware and able to move on because you know you cannot do anything about the past. You keep getting the focus back to the present and keep doing your best.

Take care

Best wishes for a great future.

Dear Kiran,

You mentioned “Sometimes I feel like two different people are living in my body: one who is very focused, determined and optimistic and the other one who is lazy, pessimist and my goals start to seem impossible”.

Feed and nourish the part of you who is focussed, determined and optimistic, give that part a lot of your attention; starve the other part, learn from what it has to say to you but don’t allow it to grow.

Do things slowly. Don’t pressurize yourself. A tendency to feel this way is when there has been some negative event or a series of them around you. Is that the situation?