Dear Isra,

Thank you for your insightful and thoughtful post where you have worked through all your thoughts. I took the liberty of just organizing them and re posting it here to you.

Recognizing the feelings that arise as unhealthy. 

If the person I’m dating has not specifically said they still like me within the past few days, or have expressed some sort of wanting to be with me either physically or in general as part of the relationship, I begin to worry that their feelings have changed. It creeps into my thoughts slowly, beginning to point out when we haven’t been talking as much, when things slow down, and tiny moments that could be taken as the smallest evidence that he’s losing interest. It starts trying to paint this picture that I’m uninteresting and that his feelings are fading, making me have the urge to either seek reassurance by asking, or by trying to change myself in order to become more interesting.

An analysis of why they arise

I know it likely stems from past relationships, and maybe some hidden fear that I am unlovable somehow

Understanding the Possible effects 

And I know it will negatively impact my relationship if I do not change it. If this is something I have done in the past, which I know I have, I do not want to let it push me away from him

Knowing what you want and don’t want

I do not want to start feeding myself lies and bad feelings that otherwise wouldn’t exist. This is my issue that I need to work through, and I should not spend so much time continuously needing his reassurance- that’s not fair to him, or to myself, or the relationship.

But I know it makes me want to know he still cares, and makes me want to be certain he still likes me and that he won’t just disappear the next day

How to fix it

Keeping expectations reasonable

And I know I can’t expect him to express his feelings for me all the time- that’s unrealistic, and just because he hasn’t said it doesn’t mean his feelings have changed at all.

Understanding differences in expressions of affection

Aside from that, he’s also said he’s one to express himself through his actions more often, not his words. While I’ll send people heartfelt messages or letters, he’s one to send gifts or maybe physical affection- something that’s a bit more difficult, since he’s so far away. I realize now that I’ve been expecting others to express their feelings towards me in similar ways that I do for them, and that has been important for me to learn.

Looking at the positives in the relationship

He has been nothing but supportive to me when I need it. Last time I was feeling down, I didn’t tell him about it until afterwards because he hadn’t been feeling good- he blatantly told me that next time I was feeling lonely, to tell him, because he cares about me and wants to be there for me too. When I hurt my neck, he seemed genuinely distressed on FaceTime that he couldn’t be there to help me. And just yesterday when we were discussing him visiting me in my home state, I said, “I mean, only if you still want to,” and he looked me right in the eyes to tell me of course he still wanted to. He was the one who had brought it up, after all- and he told me I never had to worry about it. Then, being his humorous self, he put his purring pet cat on the camera and basically told me to listen to the cat for comfort. I was feeling very cheered up after that interaction, and the rest of the night he sent two separate texts that reminded me he liked me, including one right before bed.

I have zero reason to believe his feelings have changed, or that he doesn’t care.

… when he’s always there for me when I most need it. I know if I was ever having an extremely bad day, I could turn to him and ask for support.

I know that talking less doesn’t mean the feelings have disappeared, and we still plan on making time for each other as much as we can.

Outside of this reassurance issue, I have felt so secure with his person, and when we do talk it’s like the issue never existed to begin with.

Avoiding generalizations

I think I’m afraid of that happening again. But then that’s basically assuming that 1) all guys are capable of just disappearing 2) this guy is the same type of person as the last guy and 3) it’s always my job to keep them interested, to keep them from leaving.

Accepting all possibilities – being realistic

But the thing is… nothing I do can make someone stay who doesn’t want to. I understand this. And he really isn’t like the last guy at all. His personality is quite different.

I think this relationship is going to teach me a lot about myself… and it’s going to be up to me to become a better person with that knowledge.

I need to change my expectations, but also empower myself enough to realize that the ones worth keeping will stay of their own accord.

And I’ll have to trust that if his feelings do start to fade, and that he doesn’t want this anymore, he’ll be honest and tell me about it.

Working out the solutions reasonably

I know I won’t be able to fix it overnight, but I suppose recognizing my problem is a start. I’m going to try to be patient with myself in the process, because I know putting pressure on myself to change will only emphasize the problem. Hopefully with enough time and pointing out when I’m being unreasonable will allow me to slowly pay attention to my thoughts so they can’t affect my actions and mood as much.

Dear TwoWhales,

Excellent results and a commendation is a good place to start from. Your decision to start a university degree after a period of work and your excellent results in the new degree seems to reflect your passion in your chosen field; that seems to be somewhere where your heart is.

Show your passion to your prospective employers. don’t let your worries cloud it. Experience will come and you will be able to use the degree.

Best wishes

Dear Naia,

It felt so good to read your post and feel the sensitivity, the sense of right and compassion in you. That is probably the very reason why you are having difficulties with letting go of guilt with your current issue.

Hope you are able to temper down a bit the expectations that you have from yourself while at the same time retaining your tact gentleness and compassion. Try not be hard on yourself.

Take care

Dear Miranam,

Good to read your response. I appreciate the values that you have shared and also read your previous posts about the commitment and efforts that you have taken to nurture your family.

In response to

if we are not getting what we want and it makes us unhappy, we should probably try to not want it. I wish I knew how

I thought I’ll point out what you are already good at and doing

I need a companion to share joy and sadness and somehow my husband meet these need, even if not the way I would like it

When a want is not completely fulfilled we can look at components of it and look at ways in which the wants are partially fulfilled keeping us in between the phase of total happiness and absolute unhappiness

– preferably leaning of course to the happy end of the spectrum.

Take care

Dear Naia,

This person was your first boyfriend and you described an intense relationship. After weeks and months of not being exposed to anything related to him, seeing his face was but a natural reminder of all that you have been through with him.

Your ability to have calmed down is the result of your progress. Over a period of time with further progression the intensity of your reactions will come down further till a time when any reminder of him becomes just a speck in past memories.

A relationship is a great opportunity to learn more about ourselves, to learn more about our expectations. See if you can convert the kind of reactions that you had or may have in to a learning process for your healing & growth.

Take care.

Dear rubia2018,

Just offering another perspective.

“because i thought everything went so well. It was a beautiful night, with beautiful people who are so sweet to me and uplifting, we all enjoyed it.” A beautiful moment was there as a result of so many antecedent things and when it ended it was just a moment that passed, something which you did not want to end yet just like all moments it had to pass. Impermanence. The passing away of the moment is maybe what caused the drained sensation and emptiness that you feel.

More such moments will come. Maybe with the same person, maybe with another.

The way forwards is through taking care of what you need, to start doing more things for yourself, to avoid giving the key of your happiness to others.

Dear Rainbow,

This is one forum you don’t have to apologize. Most people here are empathetic and will be able to understand what you are going through. Apart from the reading it is advisable if you can take the help of a qualified therapist in overcoming your struggles.

Challenging ones thoughts is one component of the therapy. But you will also need to go to the origins of your beliefs to better understand and facilitate healing. Awareness of one’s thoughts and how it impacts the way you feel constitutes a major part of therapy. Once that is done then you go through the process of challenging your beliefs and putting in corrective mechanisms.

The process is slow but steady work will lead you out of your difficulties enabling you to the live the life that you desire.

Take care.