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May 1, 2020 at 10:05 pm in reply to: How to accept things as they are but still grow as a person? #352592
Your confusion is genuine and valid. I too had it for a long time.
Eckhart Tolle has given a very good example in his book The Power of Now.
“If you were stuck in the mud somewhere, you wouldn’t say: “Okay, I resign myself to being stuck in the mud.” Resignation is not surrender. You don’t need to accept an undesirable or unpleasant life situation. Nor do you need to deceive yourself and say that there is nothing wrong with being stuck in the mud. No. You recognize fully that you want to get out of it. You then narrow your attention down to the present moment without mentally labeling it in any way. This means that there is no judgment of the Now. Therefore, there is no resistance, no emotional negativity. You accept the “isness” of this moment. Then you take action and do all that you can to get out of the mud. Such action I call positive action. It is far more effective than negative action, which arises out of anger, despair, or frustration. Until you achieve the desired result, you continue to practice surrender by refraining from labeling the Now.
Let me give you a visual analogy to illustrate the point I am making. You are walking along a path at night, surrounded by a thick fog. But you have a powerful ﬂashlight that cuts through the fog and creates a narrow, clear space in front of you. The fog is your life situation, which includes past and future; the ﬂashlight is your conscious presence; the clear space is the Now. “
I give you one more example. You are in a car and stuck in traffic. You are not able to move left, right, front or back.
What would one do?
option 1: Get angry, upset, frustrated, may be even get out of the care and see how long the traffic is and get even more frustrated.
option 2: Accept that “Okay there is a lot of traffic and I cannot move. What is it that I can do?”
Play up a good song in the car stereo. Call a friend or a partner. May be focus on your breath. Smile at the person in the car next to you..and things like that…till the traffic moves. It nowhere meant that you cannot take action and move.
So acceptance does not mean “inaction”. Acceptance does not mean “resignation”. It simply means “the situation is as it is”.
“If you let the world do what it will to you?”
For this question of yours too Eckhart has given a quick example
A question asked to Eckhart was – (Referring about his book A New Earth)
“I’m a little bit confused with chapter 2. I understand the quote, ‘If someone takes your shirt, let them have your coat as well.’ Where do you draw the line without getting walked all over? I don’t want to be an egotistical person, but at the same time I do not want to get taken advantage of. So I’m having a little bit of confusion with that.”
“All it says is sometimes letting go, there’s more power in letting go than in clinging or hanging on to something. So there are situations when you actually become empowered when you let go, rather than when you cling. It does not mean that people walk all over you. In fact there are situations when you have to say no very clearly as to a situation or to a person, but even that ‘no’ can be of two different kinds.”
Tolle continued, “Usually the no is very negative. When you say ‘no’ to a person; a person says, ‘I’ll give you a ride home.’ But you see the person is drunk. Of course you wouldn’t say yes just to be pleasant. You say no.”
“Now do you say no with negative energy and in a state of resistance or do you say not that is positive? It simply means a clear and straight forward, ‘No, I won’t do that.'”
“This is very different from the resistant no. I call that the no that is not negative – a high quality no.”
To get more answers on the title of this thread I recommend you to read/watch articles, books and videos from Eckhart Tolle. There are also free videos of him on YouTube.
Okay good that you are strong enough (and maybe that is why Ho’oponopono didn’t appear to have worked 🙂 ) . I’m aware of many more healing techniques and happy to help should you have any issues, but it doesn’t look like. So good luck and take care.
Yes some parents or sometimes even the prospective groom is adamant about the kundli matching.
“And to me this is very wrong.”
I suggest you to NOT hold this kind of belief system. Because, it can happen again in a marriage situation or in some other situation. I’m saying about the fact that if something did not happen as per my beliefs then what the other person did is wrong. If you do not break this belief system then another situation would come to do exactly that.
It requires deep compassion and understanding to break that belief.
Meaning – everyone is always right from their level of consciousness. Meaning – if you had the same kind of thoughts, feelings, emotions, upbringing, life situations, parents as those parents then probably you would have done the same. Its a long complicated thing.
“Trust me I have tried my very best to convince them or even him to at least listen and try find out a solution but they didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself.”
This itself is a proof that you both are not destined together.
“I begged him almost everyday for two months”
I’m sure you know that true love does not require begging.
Do move on, if you are able to. And if not then please do post here and the forum is always able to assist.
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Ravi.
Oh yes, definitely pictures or posts on social media should not be believed. What happens with their life just after or just before posting those pictures is what we cannot see on social media. And they may even be true in this person’s case. Those moments of happiness may be short lived or even long term. But it shouldn’t matter to you now. You can “move on” by first not checking his posts/pictures and then by doing the Ho’oponopono forgiveness exercise to “heal” your inside. Look that up and everything will be fine and back on track for you.
And I don’t know how to be close without both of us being authentic. I don’t know what to do, or if there is something that I can do.
Yes. You can do it energetically without even going in front of your mom.
Practice the half-smile exercise.
What is the Half smile technique:
Half-smile is a technique borrowed from Buddhism, and it’s quick, easy, and free. … Begin to smile with your lips, but stop just when you notice a small amount of tension at the corners of your mouth. If someone were watching you, he/she probably wouldn’t notice any change in your face. It’s a subtle, tiny smile.
The half-smile starts with relaxed lips which turn slightly upward and a loose jaw and the eyes are soft and relaxed. Then half-smile spreads as your scalp and neck relax and your shoulders drop.
<b>HALF-SMILE WHILE CONTEMPLATING THE PERSON YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH
</b>Sit quietly. Breathe and smile a half-smile. Imagine the image of the person who has caused you the most suffering. Regard the features you hate or despise the most or find the most repulsive. Try to examine what makes this person happy and what causes suffering in his or her daily life. Imagine the person’s perceptions; try to see what patterns of thought and reason this person follows. Examine what motivates this person’s hopes and actions. Finally, consider the person’s consciousness. See whether the person’s views and insights are open and free or not, and whether or not the person has been influenced by any prejudices, narrow-mindedness, hatred, or anger. See whether or not the person is master of himself or herself. Continue until you feel compassion rise in your heart like a well filling with fresh water, and your anger and resentment disappear. Practice this exercise many times on the same person.
You will notice changes in the situation. Either both of you will have cordial relationship over the phone or maybe in person when you visit your mom. Or you may not have the feelings that you have troubled relations with your mother or maybe you may forget everything, or everything would sound/look like normal, or maybe this thing does not bother you anymore.
I welcome any and all of your thoughts. I guess I am hoping there is something someone can say or do to help me… and maybe that’s just not possible.
Yes that’s definitely possible. I suggest you to do the ancient Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono. Very simple.
You will get rid of whatever guilt, grief, loss or whatever negative emotions you have. In fact you may even cultivate feelings of love even though your dog is not in front of you.
though I am interested if anyone knows about a good book or free course regarding depression?
Maybe you can take a lookup at free resources on the below
i. EFT Tapping for Depression
ii. Donna Eden’s energy healing exercises for depression
Read about them and check out if it suits you.
I am an empath, an HSP, and that is the reason I can relate to people’s problems on this site or otherwise.
I am also shy and introvert. For shyness and social anxiety I suggest you to read this book-
How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. By Ellen Hendriksen
Just quickly write it down somewhere before it gets submerged under other posts.
What is the spiritual awakening you had? And do you say you are still a spiritually awakened person?
I want to ask this community that did I do something wrong? Any of this is my fault?
Have read your post…Answer is
NO (have written it in bold and caps).
Yes some parents are strict on kundli matching and the results. By the way have you ever checked that? You can also do it online. Was just curious to know the results as you said they turned back after the matching of kundlis. Maybe one is Manglik. Or maybe very low points needed to proceed further.
If you have found even a little bit of peace with your situation then you do not need to reply back with your results or to go and check the kundlis. Maybe you can just move on. Its good that you have paid back all the money so you are now clear of any financial debts and karmic debts too.
“This is the first time I’ve ever posted anything personal like this online… but, I’m looking for some help as I can’t really talk to anyone I know about this…”
Don’t worry about anything. You are safe here on the forum. Do do not post anything like numbers, emails, original names, etc.
“he was there through thick and thin, providing me with whatever I needed whenever I needed it.”
What a nice, caring, dedicated and committed person can be seen here.
“I accidentally caught feelings for a coworker.”
Truly speaking this should not have happened.
Maya or satan or egoic consciousness or whatever names there are – will always come in different ways to call you. Do not give-in.
But if it has happened, forgive yourself, forget and you can revert back to the person who loves you.
“He’s also in a committed relationship ”
In that case its a absolute no-go there. Even if he wasn’t committed I would have suggested the same, given the details in your post.
“As for my husband, as soon as I started to gain my own security and accomplishments I started to realize that maybe our relationship wasn’t as sweet and beautiful and it used to be”
That is the beginning of the egoic thought patterns of the mind. Don’t give-in to it. You know it already “The grass is always greener on the other side”. The mind tries to trick us and find situations that are not currently good. If it was an unbearable and painful situation I would have suggested you to get out of it. But it doesn’t look like – absolutely not.
“he’s really struggling with success and self care”
Everyone has their life struggles. It works out for some and doesn’t for others. Not everyone fulfills their destiny. Yes I know they should at least work towards it or take some action. Some try. Some don’t. For others their thoughts of doing something is always there in their heads but they don’t speak up or show. In these cases they try to make an attempt but some blockage in the head, some energy stuck inside the body doesn’t allow them to even get up. Maybe you can help him to do something. Maybe you already tried. Something more. Be in his arms and try to ask in a very sweet way if there is something that you can do to help him achieve his dreams. Whatever the answer do not judge. Try after several days.
” still reverts to the pampering he gave me back in the days of anxiety to connect with me or possibly to disconnect from the rest of his life he cannot control?”
So nice to hear. People are dying to be pampered from their partner.
“he always says he understands and nothing else- it’s just the blank stare and nodding head.”
Good enough. Not surprised by this male pattern of speaking.
On the other hand just imagine a violent person who shouts, yells or even beats up their partner. Yes there are such people reported in this forum itself.
“He has so many dreams that I support but, he only talks about them… he always stops at putting in the work.”
You mentioned about supporting his dreams, but check out if there something that is you can do (in action) that will help him start working on his dreams.
“He is the sweetest man and would do anything for me”
That’s really wonderful to hear and what else would a wife expect. If one should be fine in other aspects of life too then it would have been a “perfect” person and there is no such thing. One would be good in one thing and not so good or efficient in other or totally bad in something else. But the fact that he is not-so-good in a few things and yet a loving, caring and sweet person should be good enough. This is what life is with all its imperfections.
“I don’t know if I could say I would do the same for him…”
Life/Universe keeps balancing things. May be its your turn now to give it back what he had done to you “he was there through thick and thin, providing me with whatever I needed whenever I needed it.”
Of course you can take your own decision but I suggest to keep it simple, not complicate much in the head, do not look at life from a “problem – solution” approach. Meaning okay this is the problem I have to look for a solution for it. Get away from the other person (not necessarily distance wise but feelings wise), get back to the love of your life and a sweet loving person, try and help him achieve his dreams. Even if that is fulfilled or not you still have a loving caring person with you. Please cherish that which is something difficult to find ie; genuine love.
- This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by Ravi.
Hope you did take a look at my response on your other post about the issues “you think” you have about your height.
Regarding this post,
Really it comes to down everything that @Brandy said. Your fear of rejection, your insecurities about being short and doubts about your family – This girl is not going to fix you (or for you). You definitely will have to be happy with yourself, the way you are or if something is in your control start making changes in your life that will make you happy. Or accept the way about the things that are not in your control (like height). See my other post, you always have the control over your thoughts no matter how worse a situation is.
And yes even if she goes ahead and marries you there is no guarantee that you will be peaceful and in acceptance with yourself. And only if YOU are happy and joyful you will be able to extend that happiness towards her and towards your married life and then in the outside world.
Also @anita has given you two valid options and you have chosen the second one.
But your fears and insecurities are holding grip of you.
You are stuck and on the fence.
And you also do not want to be in “inaction” and lose the girl because of your shyness and other fears.
So then what to do?
Do the smallest thing that you will be able to do to get in touch with her. That should be absolutely smallest step. This step (or whatever you do) should be so small that it doesn’t bother you. It should be like “Okay so what if I do this. That’s fine.” It could be just liking her photos. Or maybe just a “clap” smiley. Or maybe just writing one word on her post as “Good” or “Nice”. I will not know what that would be for you about which step will not make you anxious. You would know that. Maybe you are already hitting likes on her pics. Then take the next smallest step.
Your mind is currently thinking of a very large scenario about things that have not even happened. And that is what causes negative emotions like fear, anxiety or shyness. And this happens to everyone of us.
Taking a very small step deceives our brains’ built-in resistance to new behaviors.
For now keep doing this and do not think of any long conversations or chit-chats that you had planned. But do not look or sound too clingy that you are responding to every single post of hers and liking every photo, etc. Clingyness is not love. Also learn to stay detached yet having the feeling of love. Also keep in mind that along side you are going to work on yourself based on the above post or anything else that you like and makes you happy.
You will soon become comfortable with those single word replies of yours and then its time to take the next smallest step. maybe two words now -“Very nice”.
This technique is the Kaizen way. It may be slow but the results are long term. You can apply this to any other issues too.
There are definite chances that even she may approach talking to you after seeing your responses. Or there may come a time that you are fine or just comfortable enough to start a conversation with her.
Now, because you have also mentioned that she is in another country, you won’t know what’s really going on in her life about things like whether she is seeing somebody or not. So if you think you are making slow progress and that she will slip away from you then in that case it becomes a “do-or-die” situation and you will have to forget everything and muster the courage to speak up to her.
This is all life is about my friend with all of its complications and insecurities, for every one of us
Keep posting your progress.
Yes you have not asked a question, but of course something is bothering in the mind and hence thought of writing it here. If you are happy with the way your body looks then there is no problem at all and so there is no need to think of what other’s say. If not, then work on it, to keep it simple. A belly can be easily reduced/flattened by doing ‘Kapalbhati Pranayama’ (ancient yogic practice) just by sitting at home. But before doing it just read on it about things like who can do it and who cannot (anyone with any underlying health conditions) etc.
Or if its possible after the lockdown do the exercises under the guidance of an expert professional in which case they will need to worry of how to get you in proper shape and you just need to follow what they say.
I will not just “talk” you through your problems but will suggest you some practical tips and techniques.
I will suggest you to do some ‘alternate nostril breathing’, at other times of the day and especially when you have the panic and anxiety. You can lookup how that is done or let me know if you don’t find.
And when you wake up in the middle of the night, for a minute or two do this alternate nostril breathing. Then start counting the numbers 1 to 100 but backwards. Meaning – 100, 99, 98, ….and so on. You will experience that your numbers are going wrong or that you have forgotten which number you are at. If you remember the number, continue with that. If not then come back to 100 and start again. Let the counting draw your attention rather than anything else going on in the head. Do this till you reach the count of 1. Then again start from 100 to 1. You need to do this lying down on the bed as you may fall asleep and the next morning you may not even remember which number you were at :).
Whenever one has anxiety or panic it is almost always due the thoughts associated at that time. You may not be able to recognise the thoughts at that time, but they are there, they are racing. If you are able to recognise and “see” what’s going on in your mind at that time, that is great and you have done half your job, but if you aren’t then this breathing exercise and counting will help you cut through that.
Please do this for a couple of days and post back how it goes.
Regarding your other situation about moving to another place, moving out of the job, etc, you yourself will make a right decision at the right time (maybe when the lockdown is over), or you may even feel better and have no problems with what is going on.
I read your first post and then 15 pages after read the posts on this page.
You have made some conclusions and are okay to go ahead based on your discussions here, which is good to know.
Alongside, just take a look at this article on TinyBuddha itself. Hope it may be of help.
I just want to be free of these feelings… What do I have to do?
You can sit right wherever you are, may not have to even directly talk to your father and do the Ho’oponopono practice.
It’s a very simple practice and works very well in such situations.
You will see things will start to change. Nobody knows what change it will be, but it will be only for your greater good and only the Universe knows what it is.
That change could be anything – either your father will start talking to you properly and have loving feeling towards you, or you may not mind his behaviour towards you, or you may yourself start paying your rent, or you may not feel that heaviness during the conversations, or it could be anything.
Try that…and if you have trouble saying the words “I love you”, you can skip them.
You can lookup and read about what it is and how it is done.