Dear Michelle

I have to hate him to breathe. I have to hate him to survive.

I love him. I still love him. I believed in our marriage and I believed in us.

I’m sorry for your loss.

My approach to your problem may be more philosophical as it concerns love and hate so I understand if you’re not interested. These are only thoughts.

A notion in the wisdom traditions is that there is a time for all things. A time to love and a time to hate. In this moment of time your realizing that its time for something other then hate but how to move past that?

We live in a world of duality and in the wisdom traditions it is identified with the problem of opposites. On the path of becoming, seeing past/through the problem of opposites is the last obstacles to be overcome. (Life will constantly present us with opportunities to confront the problem of opposites)

Here is a paradox for you… there is only Love. I know how odd that sounds especially as you come to terms with your experience of love and hate.  However,we learn by confronting the problem of opposites, which gives birth to consciousness, that the opposites are not ‘two sides of a coin, an either or, but intimately intertwined and connected so that neither exists on its own nor can they be separated from each other.  When opposites are experienced in this way, they ‘disappear’ and in that space… Love.

Asking you to work on getting to a place of saying YES to your experience of love and hate can seem mean and unfeeling. It is not my intention to discount your experience. I understand that when you’re in it, attached to it, its difficult to see past.

Buddhism suggest a starting place is the art of detachment and mindfulness.  Detachment is not indifference to the experience but remaining engaged in life as it shows up while not attaching a sense of self to the experience. You, your experience of SELF, is not your experiences. You are not your emotions, you are not your thoughts.  In this way detachment creates space to be mindful where you may better observe your experiences of Love and Hate – not the reasons you have for loving and or hating you husband – but your relationship to love and hate.

In time you might realize a new consciousness of love as it is, life as it is, and find yourself saying getting to a place where you can say Yes to it all.

I wish you Peace

Hi Janine

I f*cking hate that I am this way. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have been this way as long as I can remember. I feel like I can’t commit to anything…. I am worried that I should just kill myself

I’ve only read you initial post and I’m sure Anita will address looking into the reasons you might have gotten stuck in acting in ways you do not wish to act.

In the hero’s journey the idea of death is often a symbol for the desire of transformation, not a physical death but more often then not an ego death. The thought ‘I should just kill myself’ could be the subconscious suggesting that your stuckness may be due to an attachment or your sense of self/ego whose time has past. (Change is often felt by the ego as a physical dying and so its understandable we hang on to what we ‘know’ and fight when the task is to let go.)

The title of your post, ‘can’t commit to Life’ struck me. Personally, I prefer the word engage with Life then commit. Words matter and for me, engage implies participation with what shows up.

The reality is that Life happens to us with or without our commitment to it.  That may seem bleak however it isn’t as Life does not demand anything of us, its free. We are loved freely. Life does not give us meaning or purpose, it is we that give life meaning and purpose. We are free to engage as we are, the gift to learn and grow. We are not committed on one path, we get to discover our own.

What would it feel like to engage with the life that shows up and see where it goes? Don’t get me wrong there is a place for discipline and goals and now may be a time to engage with discipline to get unstuck. Engage with your classes without labeling yourself. Forget try just do, detach your sense of self from your inner dialog and do. What doors might open?

One step, then the next. That’s how everyone does it, even if you imagine they don’t. One step, then the next…

Hi Angel

So Much of our anxiety is created not by what does or does not happen to us but by our thoughts on how we view the past and imagine the future. Nothing chases away the opportunity for the experience of happiness then paying to attaching our sense of self to our memories and fears of the future.  Identifying ourselves with these thoughts will most assuredly take us out of the present.  The possibility of the experience of happiness lies in the present. Seeking it in the past and what might be works against us. (Happiness isn’t something we create but something we experience. These moments can occur taking out the garbage or curing cancer.)

“The car goes where the eyes go” without awareness the eyes tend to focus on our fears, and doing so that is what we crash into.  Mindfulness and meditation may help.

In Mindfulness you learn to notice when your eyes/thoughts are focused on the past and or future and how your sense of self is being influenced by that focus.  Ask yourself if you notice feeling bad about feeling bad. That would be an indication that you have attached your sense of self to how you feel. Try not to judge or label yourself for doing that. The practice is to notice. Eventually you may notice you can experience your feelings and thoughts about your feelings without “being” your thoughts and feelings.

In Meditation you learn how to detach yourself from thoughts and emotion. You are not your memories, you are not your future, you are not your feelings, you are not your thoughts. There are thoughts, there are feelings, there are experiences… You are not that.

The “quite mind” is not a mind that stops chattering, but a way of being that does not attach identity and or sense of self to the chatter.  Your mind is doing what it was designed to do, you are not your mind….

Best wishes

Hi Priyanka

I suspect many of us on this forum have found ourselves experiencing this loss of passion at one time or another. It’s a thought spot to be in. Such experiences can also be linked to depression so talking to someone could be helpful.

You write about looking for that job that spark joy. I don’t think you can know what will spark joy unless you’re in it. The good news is that you’re at a point where you don’t have anything to lose so all doors are possibilities.  To find what your looking for you have to engage with life. A place to start may be in dropping the should s that seem to be dominating your internal dialog. Should’s suck the life out of life

Joy is an emotion that comes as a surprise, not so much as something we create or can cling to. Only by engaging with Life can we be surprised by Joy. Hope is the art of being passive as not forcing things, while active as being ready to pounce when possibilities present themselves. You can lean on this type of hope.

Be kind to your self. Everything starts by taking a step.

You may enjoy the movie ‘Brittany runs a marathon’

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

Hi Alecsee

When you say “Letting Go” what does that look like to you?

For the longest time when I was given the advice to Let go I misunderstood and felt like I was being asked to forget and or pretend nothing happened.

I’ve learned that ‘Letting go’ is not a forgetting or indifference to our experience but entering fully in the flow of the experience. Even if the experience was the memory of the event.  Letting Go is a release from blocking experience to allowing the even or memory of the event to be experienced as It Is in the present. Through the concept of ‘letting go’ we ‘Detach’ our sense of ‘self’ and or ‘ego’  allowing moment to flow as it is in the moment.

We Let Go or Let Flow our attachments to our thoughts and memories. In this way we avoid dwelling on a thought or memory which often includes emotions such as regret. Regretting = dwelling = Blockage vice flow

I also don’t think I’m as open to change as I use to be.

The thing with change is that it happens slowly then all at once. We tend not to notice all the small stuff of change until we notice a result. Change is also a flow.

My understanding of the Chakra’s is that psychologically the root Chakra is the ID. A person who is all reaction, spending little time thinking for themselves or at all.

The second Chakra would be the will to pleasure and the third the will to power. The first three Chakra’s or objective with the focus on the outer world.

Chakra four is the heart as the focus moves inward, five the will to power directed inward as mastering the self, six will to pleasure transform as love inward and expanded, seven unification – problem of opposites.

We tend to move from Chakra to Chakra, perhaps even within a single breath.  Unless you are really negative, controlling and demanding of those you care about follow the rules and provide for you I don’t think your stuck at the root Chakra.

I didn’t get that impression from what I read. Continue on being the change you wish to see and the money issue will change

Hi G

I’m sorry to hear your struggling.

“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

Now that school is finished it appears your mourning the future you imagined before the illness. There is a time for all things and that includes mourning.

Your reaching out so now may be a time to move on from where you’re at.

Meditation and mindfulness may be helpful tools getting to a place where you can accept your situation. I might also seek out professional help in dealing with your depression.

I wish you well. Be kind to yourself

When in a similar emotional state, I found the book ‘Learning to Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life’ by Philip Simmons. The book helped me put things in perspective.

Hi Daniel

the book ‘Iron John’ by Robert Bly may be of interest to you.