Hi Katie

It is very understandable that your teachers’ words have resulted in anxiety. I suspect that most of us have had this experience, if not from a teacher someone else’s who’s opinion matters to us.

When I was troubled in a similar way, I wrote an author of the book, Philosophy for dummies and for whatever his reasons he responded and gave me some advice I have never forgotten… I have forgotten the issue that was bother me. Isn’t that true of almost all such issues?

Tom’s advice: ‘We work for that which no work is required” and the rule of charity. The rule of charity states that if there are multiple possible explanations for an event and there is no way for you to determine which possible explanation is the correct one then chose the most helpful explanation.

The recommendation here might be to sit down with your teacher and have a real conversation. Scary.

In the Book: Critical conversations suggests that before you enter such dialog taking the time to understand your stories, identifying when they are victim and villain stories. Victim and villain stories are sure fired way to end a conversation before it begins. So again, the rule of charity applies as it allows you to enter dialog with an open mind.

You may also find that by going through the exercise of choosing the better possible explanation that there is no need for a conversation. Its possible you don’t need your teacher’s validation in this matter

Hi Bell

What is troubling me is often when I cannot differentiate between my “burden” of the past or just simply actions that I should not tolerate.

So it is I think for most people especially those that are sensitive to other peoples feelings.  The only way out of that is as Socroties said. “Know thy Self”.  The key to discernment is doing the work to know ourselves as we are… and then the task is self acceptance. Knowing your self will help you determine what issues and feelings belong to you and which don’t and with that knowledge the ability to set up healthy boundaries.

Hi Pete

How to Let Go…. Their is no try only do. (when you do notice you have let go that’s what you will realize, that you just did it)

You let go by allowing the experience to flow through you vice blocking it.  Feel what you need to feel, learn what you need to learn, apply why you learned as best you can and engage life in the present. Forgive yourself- do not dwell (notice when you are), Forgo getting even (with others and yourself). Forbear, be kind to your self.

Ask yourself if your your getting some kind of payoff for hanging on? If you did let go what would that look like? Is there something scary about letting go.

For example I hold onto the pain of my last breakup because it gives me the excuse to hide away and avoid putting myself out their again.  It keeps me safe… and miserable. Safety verses taking a chance  or Self comfort over Self Care.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

So If, as you said, the benefits I get from living like this are higher than what it costs me I should just continue, but I don’t know if it will allow me to fulfill some important objectives such as settling, having a wife, a good job, etc.

There is a time for all things and it seems this is a time for you to travel and explore. As you explore you might pay attention to what this feeling/idea of ‘bored’. When  it arises what does it point to? Are you running away from something or is the need to run toward something. Is their such a thing as a lost opportunity? How is that connected to regret? Does the experience of regret leave living in the past and could this stockiness be pushing you to move. (Dwelling on regret is a unskillful. (really about control and wishing to change what can’t be changed)

Learn. As you learn better do better. That’s all any of us can do. If this is a time for travel and adventure, enjoy it.

Hi Limbikanimaria

Your post reminded me of Schopenhour’s porcupines

A number of porcupines huddled together for warmth on a cold day in winter; but, as they began to prick one another with their quills, they were obliged to disperse. However the cold drove them together again, when just the same thing happened. At last, after many turns of huddling and dispersing, they discovered that they would be best off by remaining at a little distance from one another. In the same way the need of society drives the human porcupines together, only to be mutually repelled by the many prickly and disagreeable qualities of their nature. The moderate distance which they at last discover to be the only tolerable condition of intercourse, is the code of politeness and fine manners; and those who transgress it are roughly told—in the English phrase—to keep their distance. By this arrangement the mutual need of warmth is only very moderately satisfied; but then people do not get pricked. A man who has some heat in himself prefers to remain outside, where he will neither prick other people nor get pricked himself. – Schopenhauer

We seek the warmth of intimacy yet at the same time are repelled by it.  I suspect being aware our our tendencies would help us move closer but that their will always be a distance. But maybe that’s ok.

You might find Deborah Luepnitz  book ‘Schopenhauer’s Porcupines: Intimacy And Its Dilemmas’ Interesting

Hi Felix

The whole social media dating, meet up… whatever its called doesn’t make much sense to me and I suspect many find it frustrating.

I had a friend who did the online dating thing which worked for her however she understood it was about the numbers and was prepared for a lot of rejection and rejecting. She never took a rejection personal. That took a great deal of self awareness on her part.  I suspect that those of us that are sensitive that method isn’t going to work well. It sucks to feel ‘rejected’ but it equally sucks to be the one doing the rejecting.

My suggestion then would be to work on your personal awareness. What can you handle what can’t you? Social media interaction may not be your thing if you can’t detach your sense as self from the experience.  Our their any activities, sport’s that you enjoy? Maybe join a group and interact their. (Just don’t be that guy that join a group with the ulterior motive. Join because you enjoy the activity allowing those around you to see you. You will make friends and from their who knows.) Joining a dance class is a excellent place to practice letting go of insecurities.

Hi Mona

Its important to distinguish the difference between Self care and Self comfort. More often then not we choose the latter, comfort. And by comfort a means to avoid anything that might causes us anxiety, uncertainty or taking a chance.

How to get out of this? Be honest with yourself.  Stop when you notice your telling yourself a story, that others don’t like you…. Ask yourself if this a excuse to stop yourself from engaging. Dos the thought of engaging leave you feeling uncomfortable? Is that self care or self comfort?

Your not alone. Speaking for myself I tend towards self comfort, comfort being avoidance of social situations that I fear will overwhelm me. I tell myself I’m not good enough, will mess things up, they won’t like me. But its all a excuse not to engage and remain as I am. Self comfort can easily becomes self abuse and not comfortable at all.

Self care is being honest and trusting oneself, its having healthy boundaries. Others will be attracted by that.