Coming up with a list of character traits and life choices/realities of a potential partner that would place them on a deal breaker list takes a great deal of self knowledge as well as a mature expectation of Love.

My experience lead to a realization that relationships tend to be experienced on two levels. The level of the stuff of life, jobs, family, hygiene, taking out the garbage… and how such stuff is negotiated, shared, compromise, boundaries, what is acceptable and what is not…

The other level is spiritual (might not be the right word) a sense of being that comes from being seen and known. The sense of self that by being with the other is inspired to do and be more, to expand, to support, encourage, to be present, to be seen as we are the good the bad and the ugly and loved, to be witnessed and to witness. This level is not intended to be lived in 24/7 but touched on and available especially when the stuff of life becomes troubling.

You might think that if you have the second Level everything in the first level would work it self out however the stuff of life will get entangled and confused getting in the way of the ability to connect with the second level. As Well Life demands growth, and if life requires that one person becoming requires taking a job in Canada and the other take a Job in France LOVE may require the relationship to end regardless of, and because of, Level Two.

Having a good understanding of what one expects and needs from the stuff of Life to Grow, to experience meaning and purpose (even though meaning and purpose are subjective, such attributes our attributes of the experiencing love – not a paradox) should be part of go or no go… but not held to rigidly. The stuff of life is always in flux and as you grow older growth tends to move inward … eventually a mature sense of self is not all that impacted by the stuff of life and relationship given greater space

Hi Patrick

Your statement “and now I’m where I am at because of it” was interesting.  Reminds me of the saying “It takes 1,000 ‘atta boys’ to erase one ‘you’re an idiot” and I wonder why we fixate on the negative?  It also reminded me of the saying that “You can’t change others. You Can Only Change Yourself”, which if true, suggests we hold the power to who we are… unless we give it away.

Have you seen the movie “Inside out”? In the movie a part of the psyche refused to accept ‘sadness’ which created the suffering. After watching the move the question I asked myself was how often did I have to learn the lesson that trying to avoid “bad” feelings only creates trouble. I actually cried

It is an interesting paradox that it takes a strong and healthy ego to detach itself from the Self  and doing so enter the flow of the life/death/life cycle – vice fighting it.  Saying YES to life as it (life lives off life) while remaining fully engaged in life.

Ego is defined as

1. a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
2. the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
3. (in metaphysics) a conscious thinking subject.

The ego plays an important role in the task of becoming, particularly as the mediator between the conscious and the unconscious. Without the ego it would be very difficult to communicate experience to others or ourselves (definition 2 and 3).

The problem arises when we attach our sense of Self to the ego (definition 1).  When we do this, we unconsciously attach the self and consciousness to our experiences, thoughts and or emotions.  “I” (which is a construct of language) becomes attached to a sense of identity… I am my experiences, I am my thoughts, I am my emotions, I am my ego… I am a construct of language… and we end up in knots, a plaything of emotions and manipulations.   In stead of a flowing consciousness we have a consciousness that is fixated on a emotion, thoughts, experience and all the pain that that brings.

In Jungian psychology the word death is associated with the cycle of life the life/death/life cycle so any letting go evolves a kind of dying. We make space for something else to emerge. It is a leap into uncertainty. A part of the ego that we cling is the idea that we can control the life/death/life process that is LIFE.  Letting go of that is scary so we hang on and the more we cling the more we suffer… and the more we cling….  until we let go… Equals “dying” is painful.

I saw the movie Inside Out over the weekend. It really demonstrates the suffering mind that clings to core memories and personas of the self. Before Riley new sense of self can be established the old sense of self is painfully destroyed but that this was required before the new more mature, perhaps less innocent sense of self could be create.  A process that movie implies is going to happen at every stage of life. Our sense of self is always changing so attaching ourselves to the sense of self (ego) is going to be painful when the time comes when it no longer works for us.

There is a time for everything including attaching our sense of self to our ego and the language construct “I” (which is mistaking the map for the territory).  As we awaken to the process we develop a healthy sense of self that “knows” when its time to let it go and make room for what comes next.

Hi Justin

You noted that you have a tendency to compare yourself with others. This is a good place to start working on in a mindfulness practice. How is the habit of comparing yourself to others working for you? Are there any payoffs you get from comparing yourself to others, even negative payoffs that might reinforce the behavior? Where did the habit come from?

The site has allot of articles associated with this habit of comparison which might help you get started in your practice.

13 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

The support group sounds like a good idea

It is unlikely that your mother can change the way she interacts with you even if she really wants to. (which I bet she does) The task then will be for you to find a better way in which you respond – vice react – to the experiences, memories, resentments, frustrations, fears…  It is possible. Focus your care taking skills on yourself. Eventually as you work on it you will notice that you can view an experience without attaching your sense of self to it. You can feel sad without “being” sad, you can feel frustrated without “being” frustrated… When you get to a place where you really ‘know’ that difference of feeling and being you will find that you have created a safe space for yourself and I would bet some creative impulse emerges. When it does show up be courageous, no judgments, no labels just follow it and I think you will surprise yourself.

Hara

Sorry your feeling this way.

As this is a Buddhist site I will ask you these questions. Do we make our memories or do our memories make us? If you woke up one morning without memories of your past who would you be? Could it be possible as Aiyana suggest that with practice you can detach your sense of self from past experiences. If so who would you?

“He who fears he will suffer, already suffers because he fears.” – Michel De Montaigne

F.E.A.R – False Evidence Appearing Real

Nothing like living the fear of tomorrow today.

Sometimes I wonder if the real fear is that we might miss out on the opportunity to worry, so just in case, we imagine a future of suffering just to worry about it now, you know in case it doesn’t happen.

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” — George Bernhard Shaw –  “Experiments are necessary for the experiences that create growth and new opportunities.”

“THE FOUR HEAVENLY FOUNTAINS

Laugh, I tell you
And you will turn back
The hands of time.

Smile, I tell you
And you will reflect
The face of the divine.

Sing, I tell you
And all the angels will sing with you!

Cry, I tell you
And the reflections found in your pool of tears –
Will remind you of the lessons of today and yesterday
To guide you through the fears of tomorrow.”
― Suzy Kassem

Hi Rainbow – (“Rainbows bring the promise that the troubles of today will surely come to pass, hold strong in your faith and vision and the rainbow will bring fresh beginnings and new prosperity” – what lead you to choosing the name?)

Thought you might find the following interesting. Its about how creating intentions can work against us. The trick it seems is learning to ‘Do by not Doing’

The moment you set your foot on the path of liberation, you are apt to find that all your karmic creditors will come to your door. And that’s why it’s often said that people who start out on a serious work of yoga suddenly get sick and lose their money and their best friends drop dead and all kind of ghastly things happen. That’s because they served notice that they were going to do this […] Even if you serve notice privately on yourself that suddenly you’re going to drop it all, already the Devil knows–because who do you think the Devil is? ( We are our own devil  – So we work for that which no work is required) – Alan Watts

The following is the full explanation by Alan

“It is generally believed in India that when a person sets out on the way of liberation, his first problem is to become free from his past karma. The word karma literally means ‘action’ or ‘doing’ in Sanskrit, so that when we say something that happens to you is your karma, it is like saying in English, ‘it is your own doing.’

In popular Indian belief, karma is a sort of built-in moral law or a law of retribution, such that all the bad things and all the good things you do have consequences that you have to inherit. So long as karmic energy remains stored up, you have to work it out, and what the sage endeavors to do is a kind of action, which in Sanskrit is called nishkama karma. Nishkama means ‘without passion’ or ‘without attachment,’ and karma means ‘action.’ So, whatever action he does, he renounces the fruits of the action, so that he acts in a way that does not generate future karma. Future karma continues you in the wheel of becoming, samsara, the ’round,’ and keeps you being reincarnated.

Now, when you start to get out of the chain of karma, all the creditors that you have start presenting themselves for payment. In other words, a person who begins to study yoga may feel that he will suddenly get sick or that his children will die, or that he will lose his money, or that all sorts of catastrophes will occur because the karmic debt is being cleared up. There is no hurry to be ‘cleared up’ if you’re just living along like anybody, but if you embark on the spiritual life, a certain hurry occurs. Therefore, since this is known, it is rather discouraging to start these things.

The Christian way of saying the same thing is that if you plan to change your life (shall we say to turn over a new leaf?) you mustn’t let the devil know, because he will oppose you with all his might if he suddenly discovers that you’re going to escape from his power. So, for example, if you have a bad habit, such as drinking too much, and you make a New Year’s resolution that during this coming year you will stop drinking, that is a very dangerous thing to do. The devil will immediately know about it, and he will confront you with the prospect of 365 drink-less days. That will be awful, just overwhelming, and you won’t be able to make much more than three days on the wagon. So, in that case, you compromise with the devil and say, ‘Just today I’m not going to drink, you see, but tomorrow maybe we’ll go back.’ Then, when tomorrow comes, you say, ‘Oh, just another day, let’s try, that’s all.’ And the next day, you say, ‘Oh, one more day won’t make much difference.’ So, you only do it for the moment, and you don’t let the devil know that you have a secret intention of going on day after day after day after day.

Of course, there’s something still better than that, and that is not to let the devil know anything. That means, of course, not to let yourself know. One of the many meanings of that saying ‘Let not your left hand know what your right hand doeth’ is just this. That is why, in Zen discipline, a great deal of it centers around acting without premeditation. As those of you know who read Eugen Herrigel’s book Zen in the Art of Archery, it was necessary to release the bowstring without first saying ‘Now.’

There’s a wonderful story you may have also read by a German writer, Van Kleist, about a boxing match with a bear. The man can never defeat this bear because the bear always knows his plans in advance and is ready to deal with any situation. The only way to get through to the bear would be to hit the bear without having first intended to do so. That would catch him. So, this is one of the great problems in the spiritual life, or whatever you want to call it: to be able to have intention and to act simultaneously – this means you escape karma and the devil.

So, you might say that the Taoist is exemplary in this respect: that this is getting free from karma without making any previous announcement. Supposing we have a train and we want to unload the train of its freight cars. You can go to the back end and unload them one by one and shunt them into the siding, but the simplest of all ways is to uncouple between the engine and the first car, and that gets rid of the whole bunch at once. It is in that sort of way that the Taoist gets rid of karma without challenging it, and so it has the reputation of being the easy way. There are all kinds of yogas and ways for people who want to be difficult. One of the great gambits of a man like Gurdjieff was to make it all seem as difficult as possible, because that challenged the vanity of his students.

If some teacher or some guru says, ‘Really, this isn’t difficult at all – it’s perfectly easy,’ some people will say, ‘Oh, he’s not really the real thing. We want something tough and difficult.’ When we see somebody who starts out by giving you a discipline that’s very weird and rigid, people think, ‘Now there is the thing. That man means business.’ So they flatter themselves by thinking that by going to such a guy they are serious students, whereas the other people are only dabblers, and so on. All right, if you have to do it that way, that’s the way you have to do it. But the Taoist is the kind of person who shows you the shortcut, and shows you how to do it by intelligence rather than effort, because that’s what it is. Taoism is, in that sense, what everybody is looking for, the easy way in, the shortcut, using cleverness instead of muscle.

So, the question naturally arises, ‘Isn’t it cheating?’ When, in any game, somebody really starts using his intelligence, he will very likely be accused of cheating; and to draw the line between skill and cheating is a very difficult thing to do. The inferior intelligence will always accuse a superior intelligence of cheating; that is its way of saving face. ‘You beat me by means that weren’t fair. We were originally having a contest to find out who had the strongest muscles. And you know we were pushing against it like this, and this would prove who had the strongest muscles. But then you introduced some gimmick into it, some judo trick or something like that, and you’re not playing fair.’ So, in the whole domain of ways of liberation, there are routes for the stupid people and routes for the intelligent people, and the latter are faster.

This was perfectly clearly explained by Hui-neng, the sixth patriarch of Zen in China, in his Platform Sutra, where he said, ‘The difference between the gradual school and the sudden school is that although they both arrive at the same point, the gradual is for slow-witted people and the sudden is for fast-witted people.’ In other words, can you find a way that sees into your own nature – that sees into the Tao immediately.” ~Alan Watts..