One of the challenges of realizing or awaking to the reality that “You” are not your ego, you are not your body, you are not your thinking, you are not your emotions… is a detachment from life. If I am no-thing, no-thing matters and as you mentioned that is the Ego attempting to identify it self with an experience of nothing mattering.  If “I” am no thing “I” am nothing, and things only matter when “I” matter, when I am ego. – I remain my ego even as I “know” I am not my ego and around and around we go.

On one level this is a problem of language. How can we reflect one our experiences, explain them to ourselves and other without referring to “I” even though we know the Self is not “I. The result is more often then not that instead of a healthy detachment to experiences we fall into indifference to our experiences and depression.

You had the realization that “taking things personal does not make sense” a kind of detachment that isn’t. What you are describing of your experience is not detachment but indifference. If you (the “I”) don’t care (indifference) about an outcome why bother working towards any goal – your ego asks.

It’s a challenge. The Art of Detachment is to be fully engaged in life, working towards goals that match your truths (as you know then to be in the moment), while not attaching your sense self and identity to the actions or outcomes. i.e. I am a good or bad person because I do this, I am a good person because I hit what I was aiming at, a bad person because I missed.

You can and get to care about the action and outcomes; however, the outcomes or actions do not define you. In this way you open yourself to play. Sure, what you understand as your truths today may change and with them the direction of your actions – learn better, do better – you get to laugh.

In the problem of opposites, which we must come to terms with, is how we measure, judge, divide and doings so make conscious (awaken) is that reality that the opposites don’t exist. Opposites are not independent sides of a coin that can be separated. As we become conscious of detachment we become conscious of attachment. Awaking to the light is also an awakening to the darkness. True Light will always defeat the darkness however light requires energy – movement. Keep moving. The intention of a practice is to not practice, the intention of seeking is finding (yet how many “seekers” would ever label themselves finders).

Once you ask a question you cannot unasked it. Ignorance is bliss but you can’t go back. Frankly life is easier when we identify with our ego and suffer. Righteous anger and taking everything personal can really get the juices flowing. Sure, in the end its exhausting and unhealthy but it can feel so good in the moment. You awakened to the realization that you are not your ego and can’t go back. It’s a loss, even if it leads to becoming more authentic, every loss needs to properly mourned.

Did any of that make sense?

I enjoy your posts.

When I was 17 there was a moment when I thought I was hip and cool. (I know those words age me) Anyway one day I mentioned to someone just how cool I was… that was the end of my coolness. It seems if you think your cool you’re not. My thinking on the idea of “Enlightenment’ is the same, if you think, let alone say you are, your probably not.

After the Gautama achieved enlightenment he had a choice to make, end his cycle of “rebirth” and remain in nirvana or return as a Buddha and teach what he knew cannot be taught (only pointed towards). I took from that story that, as you suggest, enlightenment as being in a state of nirvana is not possible as a persistent state of being in life.  Perhaps a monk who lives as a hermit meditating 24/7 might come close to this state of enlightened being but only because life is avoided. (It is un likely that Gautama would have become Buddha had he not left his family)

Its always interesting watching someone who says they are enlightened step in dog crap.

“All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else.” Buddha

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” Buddha

Yes I very much relate and find it normal that when we think we are putting on a face and are not good enough we are going to lose energy

But trying to put on a face with every person I talk to, trying to understand people’s emotions, replaying past hurts and other people’s words in my head, being upset over not being good enough, it’s all too much.

Its sounds like you’re an introvert, if so its normal that engaging with others would take more energy.

In Buddhism part of the idea of the middle way is that you enter the flow instead of resisting the flow. It is in when you’re in the flow that you have access to all the energy you need.  It is at the extremes that we feel the loss of energy, or expending more energy then we are creating.

Part of the loss of energy your feeling comes from the labels your attaching to the experience – putting on a face, trying to understand other emotions, replaying the past. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. The good news is you identified the area you need to work on to find a middle way. Is it possible to interact with others without thinking your putting on a face? Do you always have to understand others feelings? Does replaying conversations over and over again help you? Is judging yourself as not being good enough helpful or a mass energy suck?

hi Rye

In my opinion there is nothing more we can ask of others and ourselves is that when we learn better we do better.

The reality of consciousness is that we become conscious in moments of tension – we don’t become conscious of cold until we experience the tension between the experience of cold and hot. Meaning we tend to learn things the hard way.

I know today there is a tendency to judge people base on a single moment, even if that moment happened years ago when we did not know what we know now. But we are more then a single experience, we are more then the sum of our parts. That you could learn and correct your behavior, and your concern with becoming that person again says great deal about you. That to is a part of the whole

Forgiveness is a concept that it more often then not misunderstood, let alone self forgiveness. Its important to remember that forgiveness does not remove responsibility or accountability.  A part of forgiveness is making amends when required and this may or may not evolve those that you harmed.  Having made the commitment to learn from your past and do better counts. Self forgiveness also involves amends to the self. Just as your experience likely opened you to compassion towards others you need to have compassion for yourself.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a memory that fills them with shame when something triggers it. Its not a great feeling yet it keeps us aware and asking the question of who we are and wish to be and if we are living up to those values.

Hi Christy

I don’t think I would have been strong enough to experience the type of ego death you had.

My journey tends to be through books and I misunderstood the process and instead of healthy detachment ended up in indifference and depression. It’s a subtle difference learning how to fully enter life experience without attaching one’s sense of identity as being the experience.

Today I would say that for me its not so much an ego death but about establishing a relationship with the ego. Noticing when an attachment of the ego to an experience is taking me for a ride.

Generally speaking in the first half of life our task towards individuation is “doing” ie school, carrier, establish family…. While the second half the task changes to “being”

Or if we think in terms of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs: In the first half of life we focus on Physiological, Safety, Social, and Esteem needs and in the second half we look towards Self-actualization and Self-transcendence.

The Midlife Crises occurs when we sense a conflict between our doing and being needs. If one is not conscious of this natural transition, anxiety may arise and you end up buy the red convertible thinking that the purchase of more things is the answer – it’s a midlife crisis when you’re not awake to the change in needs and or try to fix “being” by more more “doing”.  If one approaches the transition accepting the anxiety its not long a crisis but a Midlife transition. (How we label things matters)

I noticed from your lists of concerns that most are based on a concern about imagined future – essentially your feeling the pain to day for an imagined fear of the future.  To move forward you may want to work on the list and identify any cognitive distortions and dissonance’s. In this you well be able to identify the real issues behind your anxiety create a plan to deal with them.

Responding to the topic of ego death

Coming to the realization that “I am not my beliefs” does not necessary mean one’s beliefs are void or that one is indifferent to them, only that one understands them for what they are and so not attached to them.  This form of non-attachment creates space where one no longer experience anxiety when a ‘belief’ is challenged, which they will be. By non-attachment one can confront the present moment experience that may contradict the belief without danger to ones ‘identity’ and doing so learn and grow.

Associating and attaching one sense identity with one’s beliefs often leads to depression and or fanaticism. For example, if I am my ego, I am my beliefs this “I” is unlikely to be able to tolerate those beliefs being questioned as doing so puts in question my identity. This such a “I” cannot allow and so “I” will force everyone (and my self) to adhere to my beliefs… even if they no longer match my experiences. (I am divided and divided unhappy)

Allowing the belief that “I am my ego” to “die” (which is what the ego wants but also fears) one is better able to enter into the experience and “be” in the moment. (vice the past – future)