You did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing and in no way harmed your cousin

The history behind the word paganism is fascinating. From your post, I assume you are using the word to refer to spiritual teachings other then those of Judaism Islam or Christianity.

You may find Joseph Campbell study on Kundalini Yoga very helpful. “Masks of Oriental Gods: Symbolism of Kundalini Yoga,”  and Lecture II.1.3 The Sound Aum and Kundalini Yoga

The audio books are great and can be found http://www.jcf.org

We are overwhelmed and become stuck when are mind tries answer all the questions we have at once.

Change happens slowly then all at once. Change starts with focusing on one doable thing at a time.  My suggestion is that that first thing is not this fuzzy thing we think of as purpose.

I have read many books on the subject of purpose and have found that the question is a unskillful distraction. As Joseph Campbell noted its pointless to ask the question when you are the answer. You are the Answer! Your Being in all its messiness is Purpose. Life does not have some mysterious purpose that you must somehow find.  You are already purpose. Its not what you will do that will create a purpose but who you are, your being as you act in this world that will. From this perspective of being everything you experience is purpose.

TS Eliot wrote “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” You can choose to go down this road frantically, longingly seeking out purpose that is one path but there is another to go down this road calmly and with assurance that you will return home and see it for the first time as it is, for what it is. And in seeing it so find yourself able to say Yes, Yes to all of it.

I’ve been re-reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Today I read the following: “stuckness shouldn’t be avoided. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all”. So Great News! You are just where you need to be to get to where you want to go! The first step towards change perhaps learning how to give egoless acceptance of where you are. No need for labels, like purpose, for your experiences. Accept where you are and you will know where you need to go next. One step at a time. Trust Life and trust your inner self and one day you will find yourself content that you gave life purpose and it being you is amazing.

We repeat the past in order to heal it. You can break out of the cycle when you make this truth conscious. Try to create some space where you can be with yourself without labels, judgments or measuring of your experience.  When you can sit with yourself without labeling your experience as this or that you will be less likely to get stuck living out the labels.

I found the following books helpful when I struggled to understand my relationships. ‘How to Be an Adult in Relationships’  and ‘When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships’  by David Richo

Most people think of love as a feeling, but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present.”  Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“Chaos is the law of nature; Order is the dream of man.” Henry Adams

“I want so badly to fight this, but I look ahead and I see slummy apartments, jobs I hate, being A 30 year old man who crises and never finds any kind of passion. I look at what my next step should be and there’s no ground to stand on.”

You have identified your problem and answered your own question. You know what your next step should be. The problem is looking ahead and imagining the worst. Living in this imagined future is leaving you with no ground to stand on because this future does not exist. How could you then stand on it? The first step then is to develop the skills to avoid this type of thinking/being.  (We create what we fear so we must be careful with what we imagine. The good news is that this truth means we can also create what we hope for.)

This tendency to look ahead and imagine a future and then living in that imagined future present is getting in your way of creating space where you can discover yourself and maybe even find yourself content to live in the present.

When you notice that you are projecting fear into the future and living it now try the practice of pulling your consciousness back to the present without judgments. Visualize your awareness as if it were a dog. Call it back from this imagined feared future and visualize yourself putting a leash on it. Practice training your dog consciousness. Learn when you can let the dog explore, run and play and when to call it to heel. Eventually you will learn the how to direct your consciousness instead of letting your consciousness direct you.

When you learn to create this space ask yourself what was it that trigger your flight into the future? Practice observing Fear without labeling it. How much of it was False Evidence Appearing Real? How much of your experience is a result of the labels you created?

Chaos does not mean total disorder. Chaos means a multiplicity of possibilities. Chaos is from the ancient Greek words that means a thing that is birthed from the void. And it was about that which is possible, not about disorder. Jok Church

A possibility that is birthed from the void! A “Life in complete chase” a doorway into possibility! Open the door and walk though.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

Sorry your feeling this way. You are not alone; a person can have a lot to be grateful and still experience loneliness and depression. Telling yourself that your wrong to have such feelings could be making such feelings stronger perhaps even finding yourself stuck feeling bad for feeling bad…

It sounds odd doesn’t it, feeling bad for feeling bad for feeling bad and down the rabbit hole we go. But this is what often happens when we label our feelings as wrong. A Label that can distract us from finding and dealing with what we need to attend to.

Here is an interesting paradox; what if feeling guilty for the way you feel, unworthy to feel what you are feeling, is connected to your experience of worthlessness. Is it possible that a step to moving forward and out of this stuck-ness is to acknowledge what you feeling? Your feelings and your needs have value. You have value. What your feeling is not wrong, emotions are information letting you know that something needs attention. You need attention. Finding someone to talk to, (maybe not a friend or family member) might be of help to untangle your thoughts and feelings.

“I wish I could start the past three/four years of my life all over again and re-do all the mistakes I’ve made.”

You have an inner wisdom speaking to you: There is no do over and even if you could start again you would make the same “mistakes”. This inner wisdom knows you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. In hindsight, you have learned better but learning better doesn’t allow one to time travel and do over. We can only take what was learned and apply to the present. But you already know this. The only mistake is not learning from our experiences.

Practice moving your attention from the past, from regret, and focus it on the now where when you learn better you do better. What more can you ask of others or yourself. Trust your intuition. You have inner resources just waiting to be discovered and that will amaze you.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Peter.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

When I notice myself feeling anxious I stop what I’m doing and take moment and remind myself that I am not my thoughts, I am not my memories/past, I am not my emotions. I am the observer of thoughts, memories and emotions.  In this way space is created to take a breath and change perspective to what is happening around me allowing the experience to flow.  That statement is also the mantra I use when I start a specific time of meditation. (Eventually the practice of meditation isn’t something a person does only during a specific time a day but a practice of every moment)

Another mediation visualization I do is imagining myself as a wheel with spokes. I notice that as the wheal turns there is a difference perspective of time depending where my awareness is directed.  When directed at the end of a specific spoke the wheel contacting the ground for a moment (present) and then going around… From this perspective, the world rushing by can be intimidating as my attention is constantly moving between what is coming and then what is past. I then draw my attention down the spoke to the center of the hub. From this perspective, the center of the hub spins so quickly that it remains still. The still point. From this point the past, present, future occur at the same time and no longer intimidating.  I look out from the still point and see the world as it is and say yes. I practice directing my attention up and down the spokes and rest at the still point

“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is, But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity, Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards, Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.” – TS Eliot

I also like the Zen practice of entering into an activity like archery or dance where the focus isn’t only on the outcome but allowing the experience to teach us. As you train your new puppy (congratulations) enter into the experience and allow it to teach you. One thing I noticed about dogs is that they react to the energy of the owner more then they do with words and commands. This is a perfect place to practice being calm and intentional as you train your puppy and then maybe practice the same techniques with yourself. Practice showing yourself the same patients and love that you show your puppy and remember to have fun with it.  The puppy will love you without judgment can you learn to love yourself with out judgment?