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PeterParticipantI haven’t read the book but from Goodreads description I’m not seeing any new idea’s.
For decades, we’ve been told that positive thinking is the key to a happy, rich life. “F**k positivity,” Mark Manson says. “Let’s be honest, shit is f**ked and we have to live with it.” In his wildly popular Internet blog, Mason doesn’t sugarcoat or equivocate. He tells it like it is—a dose of raw, refreshing, honest truth that is sorely lacking today. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k is his antidote to the coddling, let’s-all-feel-good mindset that has infected American society and spoiled a generation, rewarding them with gold medals just for showing up.
Personally I don’t know what “telling it like it is” actually means other than that it gives permission to use poor language and be crass. I’m swearing and being rude so I must be “telling it like it is” and because I’m telling it like it is what I’m saying must be true… and worth listening to…
The writer has a issue with coddling and the think positive movement which leaning to a tendency of being a ‘defensive pessimist’ I might agree with however my experience those that ‘tell it like it is’ is that it tends to be one-sided, ether or, and I believe there is a time for all things. The question becomes one of discernment, which it seems is how the author also ends his rant.
So maybe it’s a generational thing. I don’t think swearing is necessary, and though it might get our attention it also distracts
I don’t know there are lots of books on the subject he talking about
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and it’s all small stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking over Your Life – by Richard Carlson
I liked The Positive Power Of Negative Thinking – by Julie Noremm
For many people, positive thinking is an ineffective strategy–and often an obstacle–for successfully coping with the anxieties and pressures of modern life. For example when I am giving a problem , my first thoughts are on what could go wrong and then what I need to do in order to ensure those things don’t happen. This process may seem (and is seen by many) to be negative but it’s not. It’s just a process and when followed I’m very optimistic that I will solve the problem. But tell me to not worry about what might go wrong and just believe that all will work itself out and well I’m going to become stressed. That said for other areas in my life, for example travel, I’m a strategic optimist.You don’t want a strategic optimist building your home but you also don’t want a defensive pessimist selling it.
I would also recommend Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain.
PeterParticipant“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” ― Søren Kierkegaard
You are torn between two worlds, the dream and the choices. You pursued your dream however missing your family you made the choice to return home and now mourn the loss of a dream. That choice to return home was perfectly understandable and valid. But yes it came at the cost that you now mourn and so find yourself stuck
“In February, the overcast sky isn’t gloomy so much as neutral and vague. It’s a significant factor in the common experience of depression among the locals. The snow crunches under your boots and clings to your trousers, to the cuffs, and once you’re inside, the snow clings to you psyche, and eventually you have to go to the doctor. The past soaks into you in this weather because the present is missing almost entirely.”
― Charles Baxter, The Feast of LoveI relate to the predicament of not being able to take full ownership of the decisions we make. Instead we mourn a remembered future that the decision we made took away and find ourselves stuck and so never living in the present. To move forward you must reconcile yourself your choices, own them, learn what there was to learn and then start again.
And of all the gifts arrayed before me,
This one thought at this moment in my life is the most precious.
And so, we begin again. – The Feast of Love“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.” ― Sylvia Plath
“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.”
― Tom Hiddleston1. Goals are something you are acting on. Dreams are something you are just thinking about. Goals require action. Dreams can happen without lifting a finger, even while you are asleep.
2. Goals have deadlines. Dreams are just, well, dreams. Goals must have a deadline. They have a time limit. Dreams can go on forever. In fact, many people maintain dreams their entire lives without ever reaching them.
3. Dreams are free. Goals have a cost. While you can daydream for free, goals don’t come without a price. Time, money, effort and sweat. How will you pay for your goals?
4. Goals produce results. Dreams don’t. Want to change your life? Your job? Your status in life? Goals can do that. A good friend of mine made six-figures on the ebook he published. He did that. Had it stayed as a dream, his life would have been as it always was.
5. Dreams are imaginary. Goals are based in reality. You may dream of being Superman, but that is probably not going to happen. Goals are about what you can actually accomplish. They are grounded in the reality of our world. Goals should be big, but not supernatural.
6. Goals have a finish line. Dreams never have to end. Dreams can go on forever. They don’t have to have an ending point. Goals must have a specific outcome.
7. Dreams can inspire you. Goals can change your life. Dreams can bring you motivation. They can inspire you. But, goals can change your life forever.
8. Goals must have focus. Dreams don’t. Dreams can be drifting, ever-changing thoughts. Goals must be laser-focused. They must be specific and they must be always on your mind.
9. Goals require hard work. Dreams just require your imagination. Dreaming is easy. Almost everyone has a dream. But, fewer people have goals. Goals are hard and they require hard work. (See #3)
10. Dreams stretch your imagination. Goals stretch you. Dreaming leads to bigger dreams. They stretch the limits of your imagination. But, goals stretch you. They increase your skills, your abilities, and change you foreverPeterParticipantNice, well written. In a few words you wrote what I suspect many of us feel. bitter sweet.
J. R. R. Tolkien
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king-
This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by
Peter.
January 5, 2017 at 12:33 pm in reply to: How does one stop worrying and start living? (Feeling lost) #124623PeterParticipantDo our experiences crate our thoughts or do our thoughts crate our experience? (read create… but I like crate)
I suspect it both.
We often have little control over the influence’s coming from the outer world however we can influence the stories and thoughts we tell ourselves and in way create the growth we hope for.
The first step is to become conscious of the stories you’re telling yourself and check them for cognitive distortions.
There is always distortions in the stories we tell ourselves so it would be a mistake to label or judge any findings as proof of being bad or stupid (which would be a cognitive distortion) The task is to become conscious of your stories and possible distortions without judgment so that you might respond to them vice react to themYou might enjoy ‘The Art of Racing in the Rain’ by Garth Stein
“In racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go. The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle.”
― Garth Stein“To live every day as if it had been stolen from death, that is how I would like to live. To feel the joy of life, as Eve felt the joy of life. To separate oneself from the burden, the angst, the anguish that we all encounter every day. To say I am alive, I am wonderful, I am. I am. That is something to aspire to.”
― Garth Stein“People are always worried about what’s happening next. They often find it difficult to stand still, to occupy the now without worrying about the future. People are generally not satisfied with what they have; they are very concerned with what they are going to have.”
― Garth Stein“That which we manifest is before us; we are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves.”
― Garth Stein“I know this much about racing in the rain. I know it is about balance. It is about anticipation and patience… [it is also] about the mind! It is about owning one’s body… It is about believing that you are not you; you are everything. And everything is you.”
― Garth Stein-
This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Peter. Reason: (lol typo crate instead of create, but maybe crate is still correct as our thoughts more easily box us in then free us
PeterParticipantAt 55, I am reeling trying to figure out how I why I remained so long?
I waited because I believed in him and his goodness. I still do. I realized the commitment we made to one another was no longer viable on his end and had been waning for some time without any in person availability. I knew a phone relationship was not going to build a lasting relationship and I was not ever going to be any kind of priority yet he did not want to end the relationship. So I waited.
He ended the relationship telling me he tried for years to tell me he tried to end it for years
I wondered why a man in his late 50’s or anyone would call and text 3 times a day, profess his love if he were trying to end a relationship?A dream a hope a need… dies hard. We know but we don’t know and so we wait and so we hold on. There is nothing to forgive ourselves for
Physiologically it’s understandable that you waited and even understandable that he professed his love while assuming his actions were telling you he needed to end the relationship. And it’s understandable that now as a result you find yourself questioning your ability to trust, perhaps most of all yourself
Understanding may or may not be helpful. There is a time for all things when a relationship ends. Understanding, anger, sadness, compassion, grieving the hoped for future that will no longer be, learning a trust that is less naive yet also still open.
Love is always an experience bitter sweet… its what gives it its texture and aliveness
We know but we don’t know and so we wait and so we hold on and eventualy let go. There is nothing to forgive ourselves for.
PeterParticipantI’ve had a similar experience with the relationship to Love as Jock noted.
Relationships, what’s love got to do with it? Everything and nothing???
– Love must be present but does not mean a physical/material/worldly relationship should be maintained.
– Love is “all there is” and so always present even when you don’t feel the thrill of being in love or when love requires a relationship to end.So confusing
The movie ‘La La Land’ address the issue of love and its role in Relationship and our expectations of it. (Spoiler alert)
‘La La Land’ is a movie which touches on the feel of the old time Hollywood musical where the expectation is for a happy every after Hollywood ending. The couple can achieve their life’s purpose/calling/dream and remain together happy ever after.
As an audience that’s what we want, and we get to see that the possibility was present, perhaps even only requiring moment’s choice of the taking of a different road, or a kiss instead of walking past…
But the movie doesn’t end that way. The love remains – bitter sweet – but the relationship is not meant to be. LOVE it seemed needed both Sebastian and Mia to become more then it needed them to be together. Perhaps even, the relationship push pull and ending was part of the process for them to achieve their callings.
Maybe that’s not helpful but I believe it to be true maybe only because it has been my experience. The woman I loved woke up one day and stopped loving me even though she still loved me. The relationship was over. I have never been so hurt… Knowing, or was it accepting, that LOVE pushes for growth, pushes for life and becoming even at a cost of a personal relationship did not make it hurt any less. In hindsight I can see that the pain of the breakup for both us pushed us forward into a more mature inner relationship to a relationship with life and love. Still bitter-sweet.
The same week I saw the movie ‘Collateral Beatty” where a man grieving the loss of his daughter writes letters to Death, Time and Love. Though the sadness and loss is different it’s also the same as that in La La land… (so appropriate ‘La La Land’ when it comes to our expectations of Love)
Sorry I’m meandering.
Anyway after that movie I thought to myself that I would have written the angry letters to Life and Love and wondered what that said about me… Its not Death I’m angry at but Life… Maybe it doesn’t matter as Life and Death exist in each other, require each other… one might say they are married to each other and that together are LOVE.
Still not helpful.
Maybe when it comes to the experience of Love and Being in love, reason, philosophy, psychology, theology… don’t matter in the end… maybe all we can do is experience it and doing so hope to become.
PeterParticipantIt has been my observation that it is very difficult for family to help family when it comes to depression.
As you noted any guidance can be received in a negative way. I think one of the problems is that family can’t be natural as we care about what happens to them and well to us.
It is also likely that each member of family has unfinished work (projections, shadows) of their own with regards to their experience of family.It sounds like you’re doing what you can by being present to your sister. I know that can feel like it not enough but it’s huge, and perhaps in doing so, provide the space for your sister to seek help outside of the family.
PeterParticipantFunny, I’ve been thinking about learning some dancing…I love music, but feel so awkward when I attempt to dance to the beat…
If you want a activity where you get to practice learning not to take yourself too seriously and self acceptance – ballroom dancing.
Everyone starts out awkward but then if you persevere one day you realize your body always new how to dance.. it was always only the mind getting in the way. And isn’t that true of most of the things we do especially with regards to relationships?🙂
PeterParticipantI relate to you experience.
As I got older I find it more difficult to find and create meaningful relationships.From reading your post I feel we have had similar experience including the negative self talk (negative vibration) so would bet that you also find it easier to love others then you do loving yourself. However here is the rub, we really do love others as we love ourselves.
To attract the love you hope to experience, you must start will learning how to better love yourself. There are no short cuts. And it becomes more difficult as this is a way of being without expectation, a doing by not doing.
The 365 Tiny Love Challenges may be a place to start and you might want to investigate the ideas behind the principle of vibration and law of attraction. My understanding is that it kind of becoming, as Gandhi once said, the change you which to see.
I also found David Richo books quite helpful in helping me understand my role in relationships and what I was looking for. ‘How to Be an Adult in Love – Letting love in Safely and Showing it Recklessly’ was very good.
In my own journey, I turned to ballroom dancing to engage with new people while keeping active.
It was very much stepping out of my comfort zone but through the alchemy of dancing I discovered a great deal about myself and my concept of relationship.
When I got past the stage of worrying about what my feet were doing (I knew what the feet were supposed to do but had to learn to trust them that they would – a doing by not doing). Anyway, I loved the Waltz but discovered that my arms always got tired. I took a lesson from a pro and asked her about it. She told me that my frame and connection was good which made for a ok dance but that she felt me trying to keep her to safe which kept her from opening up to the dance. Essentially because I wanted those I was dancing with to enjoy the dance I had developed a tenancy of holding them up.
It was understandable, most woman I danced with didn’t crate a strong frame to work with so I created one for the both of us. But it was exhausting and though beginner dancers might have appreciated getting through the steps we weren’t really dancing yet.
The dance instructor told me that my job in this relationship was to use my frame to create space, doing so allowed my partner to fill it and take ownership of there own space. It seemed counter intuitive. But it changed everything. I found that by creating space, yet intentional frame, my partners would fill it. I didn’t have to “hold them up”. Even if the connection they returned was uncertain the intention in the space I created gave them the freedom to find it. And when we both stopped worrying about getting it right we could fly.
All relationships are a kind of dance. You need to pick the music and style establish connection, create space and then, well, dance.
I hope you dance!
PeterParticipantI figure that most people break there resolutions within the first week of the new year so
New years Resolutions…
Start drinking, over eating, gambling, smoking, womanizing…Worked for me last year 🙂 though I’m a little torn with the womanizing, on the one hand it sounds like it might be fun but then I think so much work and who am I kidding no way I could handle it… 🙂
Happy New Year Everyone!
PeterParticipant‘When the pupil is ready, the Master will appear.’
I have found that when I am open to looking with out looking the books I need find me.Depending on how you are defining control being in control of one’s mind “all the time” could be closing the door to intuition and inspiration as well as lead to inflation.
Inspiration is one thing and you can’t control it” Kevin Eubanks
“The lips of wisdom are closed, except to the ears of Understanding.” — The Kybalion.PeterParticipantThe car goes were the eyes go. When a car enters a spin and your eyes stay fixed on the tree by the side of the road your afraid of hitting that is exactly what you will hit. The car goes were the eyes go.
In this moment of time and space you can’t take your eyes off the memory of your mistake and so that is where your car/self goes. By focusing on this memory you intensify it and give it power. You are not required to be perfect, your are not expected to forget but you are expected to learn and in learning grow.
We are more then the sum of our parts, more then the things that we think or the things that we do. We make mistakes and hopefully we learn and then we do better. Learn better do better what more can we ask of ourselves. If someone close to you made the same error in judgment would you continue to define them by that single event for the rest of their life? We are asked to love our neighbor as our selves but often some of us treat others much better then they treat themselves. In this case it may be appropriate to love yourself as you would love others.
PeterParticipantOur relationship to our mothers and fathers are very complex. Part of the path of individuation/becoming requires the coming to terms with our mother and father complexes. This involves recognising your parents as individuals with hopes and fear, failures and successes… as well as repressive of the idea of mother and father – nurturer, protector, teacher, discipline…
As an archetype, the mother points to nurturing, growth and unconditional love (not to be mistaken for unconditional allowing)
When we connect to this archetype energy in a positive way we learn how to nurture and nourish ourselves, we learn how to love ourselves. When we relate to the archetype negatively the mother becomes the “step mother” the negative self talk that we repeat telling ourselves how horrible we are…. Becoming unable to nurture and love ourselves.Our parents become our first projections of the archetype of mother and father as well as our mother and father. Part of the task of becoming requires that we separate our experience of our mother, as an individual, human, issues of her own and as the ideal we hold of the ‘mother’. Doing so we learn to become our own mother, our own nurturer. You appear to be well into this process
An apology from you mother the individual who failed to provide you the nurture you needed (but also must have succeeded as you seem to have developed the strength to overcome) may or may not help you but in my opinion is dependent on your mother’s personal growth. Sometimes we can only give ourselves what others cannot give us even a apology.
Anyway, you may find the book helpful ‘Shame and Grace Healing the Shame we Don’t Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes.
Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future. Lewis B. Smedes
PeterParticipantA quick google search for spiritual loneliness reveals that you are not alone.
Almost all wisdom traditions recognize the conundrum of spiritual awakening and loneliness and even warn that this will be a hurdle along the path for those that practice. It seems that ignorance or unconsciousness is truly bliss.
Seeing the world as it is and saying yes to this world as it is, yes to life as it is, is bitter sweet. Becoming opens the door to compassion, love and even calmness but at the cost of knowing that life must, no will, come at the cost of the sacrifice of life, that learning comes from confrontation with hope and expectation… we seek holding a balance of becoming and acceptance – bitter sweet
You recognize the loneliness of acceptance of the things you cannot change that you see so much clearer.
Ram Dass: There is an intense desire, once you have tasted something as sweet as spiritual awakening, to want to share it with people you love. Sometimes it’s so strong that you get into a proselytizing stance that awakens in them a paranoid defense, because you’re saying to them, “Who you are, just as you are, isn’t enough; if you only knew what I know, or had what I had, you could be happier than you are, and I want that for you.”
After a while, you come to appreciate that what you can offer another human being is to work on yourself to be a statement of what it is you have found in the way you live your life, and one of the things you have found or will find is the ability to appreciate what is, as it is, in equanimity and compassion and love that isn’t conditional; that is, you don’t love a person more because they are happier the way you think they should be.
What you cultivate in yourself is the garden in which they can grow, and you offer your consciousness and the spaciousness to hear it.
I have become an environment that is available, I am living my life in such a way that some people come up to me at an airport, and they say, “You know I’ve been watching you, and there’s some quality about you; could we have a cup of tea?” or something like that, and then I’d know it’s really “out there”; it’s really working; and what I find is that if I just am what I am, when people are ready they will ask, and now I really wait for people to ask. I don’t come on to people, I don’t like to teach where I’m not invited to teach.
The above may be wisdom but it can be loneliness if the desire is to be asked.
You may be interested in reading about the principle of vibration, the law of attraction and the concept of synchronicity. It won’t remove the problem of spiritual loneliness but it does show how a person becoming can influence the lives of those around them in loving ways. It is however another doing by not doing.
PeterParticipantHow to find Real news
I think the difficulty people are having is identifying “real news” is identifying the deference between news, opinion and editorial. To often I think opinion and editorial becomes news overshadowing the actual happening.
Social media which also qualifies as media (though many do not as yet consider social media to be a part of the “Media” that they don’t trust) is almost all opinion. Opinion which then becomes the “news” people talk about including the other news media outlets. So, it gets confusing.
We have to go back to basics: who, what, where, when – why and how – discernment.
Who What where when ought to be easily verifiable while why and how may require greater discernment which can be subjective.
Like predicting the weather the how and why can be difficult to isolate and there are always factors that can’t be seen or known. Consciousness is to limited.We all, the reader and reporter (news source) have our own biases, shadows, and projections. It is each of our responsibility to discern our own bias and projections which will help us discern the bias and or projections in the information we take in.
It is important to remember that bias does not make a story less “real”. Bias does not negate facts (what, where, when, who) which are verifiable. Today I think many use the label of bias as a reason to discount a story and even the idea of truth and in doing only justify their own bias.
We live in the information age but the life skill of discernment has not kept pace. Discernment requires a great deal of self knowledge. Before identifying “real news” we need to understand and identify the filters through which we experience the world through.
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This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by
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AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 