At seven it is unlikely there was any intent behind your brother’s actions and at 12 on the cusp of puberty little chance that you understood what was happening.

Now seven years latter you remember the experience and are judging your past self based on what you have learned since then about such behaviour.

One of the problems of memory is that it does not see clearly. When we bring up a memory we might picture specifics moments of the event but not what we were thinking and ‘knew’ at the time. We tend to fill in the gaps by projecting our present thinking and feelings into the past event which often messes us up.

Its important work to understand how our past might be influencing our present and apart of that is to understand how or present might be coloring our past.

The emotion we call regret is often identified as the least helpful I think because tends to lead to stuckness as we become fixated on an experience we cannot change and instead of compassion and learning from it (make amends if we were wrong, work to forgive if we where wronged) we beat ourselves up over and over and over.

In the current social climate of the ‘Me To’ and ‘Times Up’ movement it is understandable that such a memory might come up. I suspect many Men and Woman who desire real change in this area are also reflecting on past moments when they didn’t know better and feel shame and regret.  Some might experience a memory of regret/shame for not coming forward and speaking out in a moment of harassment. For others it might be regret for what they now understand was and is inappropriate actions. Perhaps a bit of both. It becomes complex. I suspect most people have memories of both.

Its interesting but one of the concerns Gautama had about teaching the path was that he knew some students would turn the process into rules that would become another ‘thing’ to attach the ego to.

The Buddha told a story of a group of people needing to cross a river.  The group builds a raft and crosses successfully. The Buddha asks the students what the group of people should do with the raft now that they are across. Do they strap the raft onto their backs and carry it around with them forever or do they leave it behind as they continue to go forth?

As you travel remember that the map is not the territory it is a guide that may and may not at times prove helpful. A teaching that works for crossing one river may not be the teaching to get one across all rivers. There will come a point where all teachings fall to the way side and we you discover your own way. This is a point were true liberation occurs the embrace of doubt and uncertainty and the freedom that unlocks.

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” ~Winston Churchill

Why We Worry About What Other People Think of Us (And How to Stop)

Interestingly one of the physiological purpose of relationships is to heal the past so each person in the relationship can individuate. Become the best version of themselves. We subconsciously tend to pick partners that will recreate or simulate past experiences to give us a chance to heal them.

A woman who is angry at men might pick a partner she can project that anger on with the subconscious hope that the partners Love will reveal the projection for what it is  which creates the chance for her to integrate her shadow – taking ownership of what belongs to her and letting of the stuff that doesn’t and doing so heal the past.

The danger of course is ending up in a co-dependent relationship where each person fears and hurts end up feeding the others fears and hurts. Instead of healing the issues become even more entrenched.

I think that if two people are conscious of this process they might be less likely to panic when the ‘past comes out to play’

Creating the list was a good place to start.

The next step might be to separate the trees from the forest. Viewing the list as a whole would be overwhelming for anyone while dealing with one issue at a time is very doable.

I found it helpful to identify how each bullet point might be influencing the story you are telling yourself and how that story might be influencing your experiences. Next look for any cognitive distortions – all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking, generalizing… (google cognitive distortions). The practice here is to learn to notice and become mindful of ‘unskillful’ thinking, not to judge yourself for that thinking – that would unskillful ?.

The goal here is to learn how to become the master of your story vice allowing the stories to master you.  This process will bring you to the end of the beginning… uncovering the real issues that are keeping you stuck and not feeling “good enough”. Identifying the issues that you can work on and create real change.

I would bet that the question of “good enough”, what ever that is, will disappear as you become more skillful. You will also discover that you can create “peace of mind” even in a tempest.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Peter.

Well said Tannhauser

the spiritual path, whatever that means, is not your path. that is a reasonable response to the life your experiencing.

I can understand the anger and disappointment in the life your experiencing but not the anger in the “gods” you don’t believe in and the path you have taken as yours. Its like shaking your fist at the empty air where the only person who experiences the anger is yourself.

It sounds like your still in a time of mourning a future that is no longer possible. There is a time for all things and as your posting on this site it seems a time to start the journey out of the stuck place you find yourself in. Well done!

Along with such morning one will experience the realisation and disappointment of not being in full control to make things workout as you desire. Such disappointment often leads to depression and low sense of self worth as well as inevitable comparing your experience to what you imagine others experience – models, artists, healthy people… which will only deepen the hole you find yourself in. So, part of the healing process will require you to come to terms with control and acceptance while remaining engaged in life. Which I guess is why you came to a Buddhist site. There are lots of helpful articles on the site that will help you with that.

The good news is that much of your suffering is a result of what you are imagining and this is something you can work on to change. I found a good place to start is to identify cognitive distortions in your story (google cognitive distortions) Avoid labels like good, bad, or happiness as you do so. If you do label a part of your story good or bad avoid labeling your sense of self with the experience. A bad experience does not make you a bad person only a person that had an experience you did not want to have. Once you identify the distortion a path forward will be much clear and I suspect the thinking of ‘good enough’ left behind.

As for happiness and contentment, these experiences are not something you create, they are something you allow yourself to experience if you allow yourself to notice.  One can be content and happy in a storm… I bet you still find moments where you smile… the only difference between those moments and the moments of disappointment is that the tendency is to focus and fixate our attention on the moment of disappointment. Practice noticing when you find yourself smiling. The goal is to return to the present which is the only place you might shape your experiences.