Hi anita

My cousins have come home, so I couldn’t reply to you on Monday. I did do the courage pose you mentioned. I don’t think courage is what I am lacking. I killed a snake yesterday. My cousin brother and father were scared. I was too but I just went ahead and did it. If I decide I must do something, I’ll go ahead and do it, no matter what. Even at work, I have not held back on expressing issues or concerns. I am anxious, not because I am afraid, I am anxious when I feel helpless about what I am afraid of. And I have an underlying discontent with life that seems to be a consent. I am sick of drama.

Girija

Hi anita

I am not sure if this is how it should be but here it is:

I wake up and still feel groggy. Brush my teeth and check my work messages. If there is a message I need to respond to, I keep rehearsing what the answer should be. If it is a low risk message and shoot an answer really quick. There is an impulse to reply. I turn my laptop on and constantly look for any messages I may get. I am bored. But at the same time, feeling tensed or irritated at the thought of having to attend a meeting that happens daily. If someone tells me there’s an issue, I am already scared it may be horrible. I am reminded of an upcoming deadline or milestone and get nervous at it failing and how I should deal with. I walk around the house, and ask my mom if she needs help with anything. I do what she needs but I feel physically unable to find energy to do anything. I push things for work to the next day, but dread the consequences. I eventually will get to it because the fear of being reprimanded pushes me to action. I am sick of constantly feeling scared and acting out of fear.

Girija

Hi anita

Just to clarify, you want me to visualize an entire day and write out my feelings and thoughts?

Girija

Hi anita

I recall we did.

Girija

Hi anita

Your question is a very valid one. I’ve asked myself that in times of exasperation. How come I feel the worst when making up for whatever is lacking at home or at work. I realized it is because it doesn’t give me joy. I am stuck in survival mode. I think for decades now. You and I have explored quite a bit on why I care so much about my mom to the point that I have become a people pleaser in order to survive. Most social interactions, trigger my trauma response.

I wanted to share with you a revelation I recently had. It slightly lifted the burden I’d been feeling.

I’ve always wondered why the women in my family never left after being abused. One of whom was physically assaulted as well. I am no victim blamer nor do I think it is easy. But I was wondering why they show no interest in leaving, atleast think about it. Behind closed doors, when there are no men or elders around. Why don’t they ever consider leaving? I got to an answer of this by introspecting on my situation at work. Simply put – I am being mentally drained by people intentionally or unintentionally – and I wondered, how come I am not actively working on leaving. I had stopped my interview prep after my mom’s scan due to anxiety. But how come I am not back at it, considering I feel mentally and emotionally abused at work. And then it hit me, the abuse is so draining that I have no energy left to consider leaving. I am so depleted that to save energy my brain is rationalizing not making the effort to leave. Not just that, I often wondered why the women in my family still care about their role. Is the kitchen clean enough, is there husband dressed properly and so on. I realized it’s because even when people are aware of the abuse, they will go to the women demanding and prodding them about other trivial things. How you are not good enough. And to the women, both the judgement and the actual domestic abuse is equal in terms of pain. I see the same thing happening, I recognize the abuse at work and yet hold myself accountable to the point of being perpetually anxious.

I also wondered about how people say getting hurt by people’s words is on me to fix, by getting stronger mentally. To me, just now, the realization hit, that that is like asking a physically abused person to get better at taking punches. It is not right. Ask the abuser to stop abusing or get the abused away. This is the right way.

This is why we often need people to talk us into empowering ourselves, abuse had psychological effects that impair our ability to discern what is right. And we are drained to the point that we don’t see alternatives despite being aware of them.

The other thing, people pleasing. I cannot bear the idea of possibly messing up anything. So scared of causing issues. I’m even thinking about my abusers at work, their tasks that they are yet to complete. It is similar to the abused caring about the abuser. You were already given the hint that any failure in the house is on you, like work for me. It keeps you from having energy to put into leaving. All your time and energy goes in pleasing the abusers and their enablers.

So, when will Girija be #1 in her life. I want to say now. But I need to learn what it looks like in practice.

Girija

No. The other way around. I do not get notifications. So, I usually login to see if there is a reply. I haven’t been active on the topics since my mother’s scan, so I did not have a way to see your were replying. I did not expect you would, since you’d already replied to the last message I had sent. Hope that clears it up.

Hi anita

We got the report. The lungs seem fine, but there is a new nodule in her breast that showed up in the CT. We’ve messaged her doctor on what to do next. She’ll be travelling to her doctor in March. We’ve asked him if we should do any other tests before we go there.

Girija

Hi anita

Thank you. Good night.

Girija