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Hi anita
I am all for not being mean and using kind words. I am aware that being rude does not equate to being strong. I was mean in that reply. Not because I thought being mean is being assertive but because I saw a person that has no experience of living in India, speaking for us, diminishing our experience and in the process degrading victims of real and false rape cases. I will never entertain people using what is my life and many other that live like me, frivilously, to decorate their narrative. My tone is nothing compared to the lack of empathy in poking an entire country’s wounds.FFF sounds great and it is easy to remember.
Girija
Hi anita
I went to a gynaecologist for my thinning hair. She had me take an ultrasound and turns out it was PCOS. She gave me Birth Control pills and another supplement that apparently increases insulin sensitivity. I read several doctors’ opinions on this and I have decided to hold off on the birth control for now and will tackle the actual problem itself with the supplement and work on my lifestyle.
The reason I am telling you this is because I am going to sound different from my post a couple of days back.
Firstly, thank you for going so far as suggesting a witty profile. It sounds great. I am happy to know you think I can find love and a long term relationship. Your advice on getting to know the person well before marrying is something I had decided a long time ago. I always thought even when I’m down and out, I push through life and that I don’t want a person who’ll be a burden to me. Recently though, I was wanting a relationship so bad that I was weighing if I should be more traditional about that and that was why I was writing paragraphs on love. I find it silly now.
Every person deserves joy and love. But I thought about this and wonder – do we feel love or do we feel its absence. I think we feel the absence. I was feeling a void and decided it was love. It was a lot of things but I think what was actually missing was the physical sensation in my chest. I want to call it joy, but essentially the opposite of anxious or feeling empty. I have taken a couple of doses of the medicine for PCOS and I feel the ‘joy’ in my chest. For all I know, it was this illness that was making me feel so out of it. I was ill and needed treatment. Of course, all my issues are still there but I feel more grounded. Like I can be in this moment and decide how I want to live it. I feel like I have control over myself. This gave me a new perspective on my last comment about my looks.
I am who I am, and people can take me for what they want. If they like and love me, that’s great. If not, I feel enough, and they can go love someone else. I don’t need it anymore, for the time being atleast. I can decide what this moment is for me, and I can decide to be joyful. If I take actions that match my intention and are in my interest, I will create joy for myself. I want to focus on myself from within. I want to create my experience out of me ( I wish I could express this better but I am not able to, with English atleast). I want to define my world and live in it – love myself and love living, and take life as it comes.
The profile when I do create it, I will make it funny. I will let myself show through. Not what I think other people want to see. For now, I will focus on myself. Love can wait.
Girija
Hi anita
When you offer to talk about anything, i will take it immediately :).
This has been on my mind today because I was on reddit and there is a forum for Indian women. One woman posted about how she had just lost her virginity and it was so simple and that she wished she hadn’t been so scared or that people didn’t make a big deal about it and that it wasn’t earth shattering. Most of the comments agreed with her and said over time with the right partner you’d learn about each other and it gets better. One comment stood out to me. The commenter described how when you have a partner that respects you and there is warmth from them, sex can get earth shattering every once in a while. I did not care about the great sex part but the way she described intimacy was so beautiful. I’m scared I will never experience that.
I have already mentioned my looks. I could better them and they will only get better to a certain point. And I know better than to put myself down for my looks or other flaws. But I am seeing myself from the eyes of men and worry that a man that I could have a great life with will not give me a chance and I was lose out on love. I understand men can have flaws too. But there are some people that are more right for each other than others. And I am afraid I won’t get to live a life with intimacy and love.
I know that love is a not a guarantee. Not always could a person statistically meet “the one”. I don’t believe in that as a perfect person but, as I mentioned, someone you could have your best life with. I hope to find love. I wish I do. But I can’t help but think the odds are against me.
Arranged marriage is a coin toss. In the patriarchial setting, a lot of men have not explored how they see women and it shows. I have spoken to 2 men so far and it seemed very transactional. But at the same time, dating is still new here, a lot of men join apps for sex and still end up going for arranged marriage. In either of these scenarios, it would be looking for a needle in a haystack. But I’m afraid my needle will jump back into the haystack after seeing or getting to know me or that I’ll never find the needle.
The dilemma is do I wait and possibly never find the needle. Will I know when I’ve found the needle? I think I will but not sure. If I wait, I will lose the prospects of finding a husband over time. I’ll probably regret not settling, if I am all alone when I am older. This has me torn.
Girija
Hi anita
I agree with you, the materialistic band-aids could never heal the the emotional wounds.
I understand that not contacting them would help in not adding new wounds. And possibly reduce the burden on me to play catch up to their energy.
It’s the one that keeps projecting the primary judgers into other people, making you feel uncomfortable around people even when they don’t judge you at all – your inner critic is a projection of people that judged you. We don’t want to be judged so we are doing it ourselves. My inner voice though doesn’t judge me. It is afraid not judgemental.
I don’t think it just makes her feel strong. When she managed to control us so well, she is the strongest. Just like the general. Maybe most powerful is the right word. She is less wounded than us, she knows what she is doing, which makes her the heroine of every stage.
I understand therapy and moving out are the solutions to this.
Girija
