Thank you both, for your replies.

I am grateful to have the great opportunity to have access to all this.

Last days haven’t been the easiest. Even if it’s a really beautiful place I took with me whatever was wrong before when I was home. I expected that to happen of course.. but I somehow hoped it’s going to change.. at least a little. Not sure if it did.

The fact is.. It all comes in waves.. I just don’t feel like doing any kind of effort.. I don’t feel like sending cv’s, like going to places to ask for a job… it’s really  a vicious circle. I don’t feel like doing much but if I’m not doing much I feel frustrated and pressured.

I find myself crying sometimes.. it seems to calm me down and make me feel better. Sometimes I have these ups and downs.. I could wake up motivated and pretty okay and later on that day I will feel low and hopeless.. and I will cry. I end up thinking about going back home and starting some serious therapy..  maybe I need to take care of this first in order to be able to proceed in my life. But.. I am here now.. I spent a hell of a lot of my parent’s money to do all this..   I don’t know if I can do this.. and it somehow feels like I have a serious problem… and I feel like everyone else manages to exist and take care of themselves. I think I am still a kid.. I live pretty much the same.. and I don’t know If I can do this.

I sent a few applications to some rent a car companies in the airport..and some other stuff as well. But… I don’t even feel like I want to work… but in a way I want to.. I don’t know what I want.. I would’t say my life is so bad but.. I feel like there is something really wrong with me.. I seem to miss something. I seem to miss an important part of the puzzle.. And without that I cannot really function. Time passes and nothing really changes inside me… I tend to accept the present and procrastinate most of the time.  I like going out, drinking and talking to all kinds of people.. I feel good while I do that.. But when I have to apply for jobs,  look for jobs, or do any kind of progress towards that.. I turn lazy, numb, tired.. unmotivated. I don’t know what to do..

I feel like giving up so often.. like go back home. Sometimes I feel like just hiding in my room..( which I am not doing ).  I always tend to feel really low.. bad..and after 30 mins or so.. I switch my focus on something else and I feel fairly good again. So I wouldn’t say I am living in a constant state of depression.. It feels like I am just unaware of everything. I am aging and not doing anything.. time passes and I just float around.. I go for a run on the beach, I go to parties.. I spend my parent’s money.. but at the end of the day I start crying because I don’t accomplish anything.. or I simply forget about all the problems and act like everything is fantastic.  It’s.. hard to understand. Its pretty much like I don’t care about changing anything but in the same time I want to change a lot..

Right now… I feel really down.  And I feel like there is no hope for me to heal. Im going crazy.

It seems like I don’t want anything…  but why…

Dear Mandelbrot

I am glad to hear from you and I am glad to find someone in a similar situation. These days I had pretty bad feelings towards my dating life.. which is not really happening lately and makes me feel really worthless. But I guess in my situation there are a few more reasons for that.. so maybe it’s a mix of everything all together. I don’t know not having any physical intimacy with anyone feels for you but I know quite well the feeling of craving for attention, interest and love.  For me, having a normal sex life from the age of 17 until the age of 20 and then not having any for 4 years felt like the end of the world sometimes..  In some cases having it and then not having it for a long time makes it worse. And maybe this is one of those cases. I do feel gratitude sometimes.. I don’t know If I could say it’s really truly felt gratitude but I feel good for the experiences I had. I think about some moments sometimes and I feel good about it.. or about myself. But as I said, I am not sure if I could really call it gratitude. Maybe I should feel grateful for it, and sometimes I try to.

Even if I had quite a few girls interested in me and I had some good experiences, I somehow still seem to forget all that and feel discouraged. Sometimes I am telling myself that.. If it happened for those few times, I am definitely capable and worthy of intimate relationships. And that is true, but I tend to forget that so many times and still end up avoiding opportunities or simply not even trying. Which is really frustrating !

Sadly I cannot afford any therapy right now… and I am about to move to a foreign country to try a fresh start somewhere else. It is a very difficult time right now for me because I have to figure out much more than you do. ( You could really feel lucky on this one ! ). I have never had a proper job, and I never really wanted to do anything.. I simply didn’t know what I want and who I really am. I still don’t. So I am basically about to go somewhere else, apply for jobs and hope that I will be able to find my balance and independence. And I really want to improve so many areas of my life.. Or I could simply say my whole life. It’s a lot of work.

I am glad you are having a satisfying job and you managed to sort things out well for yourself. That is very important. I wish so  much I could say the same about my situation. I think you have great reasons to feel grateful! I believe you will find your way of experiencing the relationships you want and you seem to be doing just that. It might be a long process but sometimes we have to trust our struggles.

Again, I am really glad to hear from you and I hope to hear more 🙂

Thank you for your great insights !

Dear anita,

Thank you !

Yesterday my ex landlord from Spain wrote me a message. She said she has a room for me starting from 22nd of December ( which funny enough happens to be my birthday .. ). Even if it’s pure coincidence I perceived it as some kind of ”sign”.  I decided to go for it and one of these days I will send her some money as a deposit, and I am planning to move there starting from January.

So basically.. I am going to move back to one of the rooms I used to live 3 years ago. It feels good because I know the landlord and she is really nice. I guess I would’ve preferred something completely new, but trusting and knowing the landlord it’s important for me. I’m grateful for her accepting to host me even if I don’t have a job yet.. and paying the rent could be a problem.. But she took that chance. My mother is going to help me with the deposit and some money for the rent.. let’s say until I find my balance. I am not very happy with the situation but right now I cannot do it on my own..

I felt like my plans are slowly falling into place yesterday, and I was happy. But. And there is a but.. of course. Anxiety started to kick in. ‘

‘ What If I won’t find a job and I will be supported by my parents again and again? ”

” What If I realize that I like it here more than I actually like it there.. ? ” 

” But being here is not that bad.. I have my friends here and if I go back to the big city I used to live in.. I could have great relationships ”

” What If I will be too shy to integrate at my workplace… if I find any ” 

” It would be easier to be a photographer here… simply because of the absence of the language barrier.. and because I know more people.. ” 

” What if I will be anxious and I will have no confidence.. and as a result, I will perform badly at my workplace ? ” 

I hate this… I wanted that and now that I am coming closer to it.. I start being scared about it. It might be normal in some cases.. but again.. every time I am moving towards something / anything.. there is resistance.. and I seem to find reasons not t do it.  But the thing is.. if things where the other way around, I would probably regret not going to Spain..

Analysis Paralysis ?.. I don’t know.

It’s not going to be easy for me to find work there.. it’s not a big city.. but that’s what I like about it. There are a few nice bars I used to go to.. and I used to have lots of friends there.. So..social life was always interesting because of the big wave of travelers. So there is variety and there are a lot of interesting people to talk to. But of course.. I had a lot of time to do that while I was doing my Erasmus.. Because school was quite laid back.. and my internship was pretty much just on paper since my ”boss” only signed my papers so I can enjoy the sun and the parties.. but actually had no need for an intern.. So I had money from the European Union as my scholarship, and a lot of free time.. So there was nothing else to do than go out. Of course things will be different this time.. very different.  But isn’t that what I want ?

So.. I again feel stuck. If I do nothing I feel frustrated and If I’m making progress I feel scared ( or whatever it is that I’m feeling ).

I think the main reason why I haven’t been doing much with my life has to do with me being anxious.. socially anxious and insecure. And I think this is my strongest enemy.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Dear anita

Wow.. I mean.. WOW ! I am truly amazed by the way you put all this together. I don’t know how but you got it so right.. This is really incredible. I am really flattered by all the effort you put in all this and I am so grateful for all this. I don’t know why you are doing all this but.. I know one thing.. not many people would and could do that. I can’t really find my words .. but what I’m trying to say is that what you are doing is amazing and you are doing so much good ! You are really  great !

After reading your reply few things started clicking.. In a way they did click before but I guess I put them on hold somewhere..

Lately things where difficult.. I left the big city I was living in, left the job at the restaurant which I kept for one month.. and moved back with my parents in order to save some money and go to Germany. Deep down I knew the relationship won’t work and it was a mistake.. but I did it.  So.. since September I am here.. the plan was to be in Germany by October.. but I didn’t work out. So I ended up being kind of stuck here living with my parents again. It wasn’t easy.. but I decided to do a fresh start. I decided to go to Spain. I decided to end the year here since it’s difficult to find jobs this time of the year and  go to Spain in January. I am not saying that I am completely sure it’s the right move.. but I feel that I need to fresh start somewhere and find a job and try to build a life for myself. It somehow feels that if I stay here I will always be helped by my parents and I will always feel controlled. And… maybe I will also stay comfortable instead of doing more.. Because I guess I tend to come back to them when things don’t work out..  and that is definitely not the answer. I feel that I should do something for myself finally. Just me.

So… I know therapy would be the answer to this. Sadly at the moment I cannot afford that.. As you probably imagine, I am still unemployed  and I don’t have much money.. It does hurt to rely on my parents money. I feel embarrassed.

Deep down I always liked the sea.. I always wanted to be somewhere warm and I always liked the mediteranean way of living. I liked being there even If I sometimes had hard times there as well. I am willing to try that option. And yes.. I am scared that it might not work, or I might not perform good enough.. But I have to do that.. just me, on my own feet. It’s less likely to quit my job and stay home comfortable while my parents take care of my finances. And.. it’s more likely that I will build confidence once I start working and earning my own money.  The main thing is.. I felt like I belong there much more than I do here..  maybe it’s the right place for me but maybe I wasn’t exactly the right person. I would like to know your honest opinion on my plan.. Somehow I sense that you will say that I am running.. And in a way I am.. but maybe it’s the right thing to do.

As for my parents.. being here these months.. made me look at them and at their lifestyle more… somehow analyzing them. My parents really seem to be … boring and bored. They have been like that pretty much since I can remember. My father was always playing everything safe.. he was never involved in anything. He never did sports, he never had hobbies except of work.. he never seemed to have much content.. He was just sitting around. ( sounds familiar eh? ) He never encouraged me to do any sports or learn any skill. He never encouraged me to help others. He always told me to stay away and mind my own business.  My mom had more adventurer spirit.. but I guess it’s been suppressed by my father a lot.. so she was weak enough to just obey. She wasn’t happy with him.. but she stayed for me.. or she was too scared to just start over. If u ask me… I would say both. I would describe both of them as being anxious and disconnected. My father never makes eye contact with me ( or others.. haven’t really noticed that ). Maybe they where simply not aware enough and not skillful enough to provide me with a more caring, fun and involving childhood. I does feel like I am a result of their both personalities.. It really does. But I am not happy with that.

As my conclusion… my parents never had fun, never really had a social life and they’ve been doing the same thing over and over since I can remember.  They’ve been sitting around looking at others enjoying their lives and accepted this role of being the observers who maybe dare but inactive. I guess they just took the simple but as you said, minimal way.. and unfulfilling way.  And… that is definitely not the way I want my journey to be. I am not willing to limit myself and live in a shell just because I was never taught how to live more and how to reach a higher potential. Maybe a lot of people skip the analyzing and questioning part and just lock themselves safely in a place where they wait for the time to pass.. Maybe some people would just accept the way things are in my life.. and just carry on that way. Seems like my parents did exactly that. But not me.

I know I can do so much more and I could be so much more for myself and for the ones around me. I know I can be a better and more connected person and I can bring good to my life and to others. This reminds me of Sinatra.. I need MY WAY.

Thank you anita ! So much ! You taught me a lot !

Dear anita

It’s been a few weeks now since I wrote here. Not much changed but in the same time it did. My girlfriend left to Germany a few weeks earlier than planned.. She’s been invited to her godmother’s birthday so she left earlier. In the last weeks we broke up for 2 days because we we’re fighting a lot. We eventually got back together during her last week here. We tried to fix things but I guess it didn’t really work.

She left 5 days ago and we’ve been only talking a little bit since then.. I told her I will join her in Germany in autumn but I don’t know if that is what I want. I am so lost right now..  I have to find a job now and get on with my life.. But I don’t know what to do in the future. Somehow feels right to just let go of her and live my life.. In the same time I’m scared that I will regret breaking up with her.. Maybe I will realize I love her. Right now I don’t know If I do.. I don’t know if I actually miss her.. I just know I am lost and I don’t know what I want. Things don’t seem to work.. but we did our best to stay together. I am afraid that all this not being sure about loving her is related to me going trough a difficult time at the moment.. And I am afraid that I will regret breaking up when I will find myself.

I need a job. I need something to do. I need to immerse myself in something. But I am so scared of moving on with my life.. I want to work but in the same time I don’t want to. I have a job offer in a coffee shop and today I’m going to find more options. I keep asking myself If I will stay here or go to Germany.. I wish I could be more present.  Two weeks ago I started praying and going to church. I guess I was never the religious guy.. I was more of a guy who makes fun of religion and all that. I used to say it’s bullshit and manipulation. A friend of mine advised me to try it and I do that.. I guess out of despair I could try everything to help myself.

I am hurt. I am scared and I am lost..  I know it’s going to be fine and when I will find myself I will say it was worth the journey. 

Why is it so hard to let go of her? … Or is it letting go of myself ? 

Am I just scared to be alone again.. like I’ve been before for such a long time ? 

Am I scared I won’t find anyone else like her?

Am I scared I won’t find anyone else because my lack of confidence with girls? 

Am I scared I actually love her but I just don’t realize it? 

I am just.. scared. But I am strong !

Thank you !

1. Dear anita

Thank you so much for your appreciation towards my way of thinking. Its been a while since I received such compliment.

I tried to take yesterday to think a litle about what to do but I felt anxious and angry at everyone. I keep getting angry at my girlfriend aswell .. Day after day. It really feels like I want to isolate myself and be by myself. I feel overwhelmed by society and I sometimes feel like I don’t fit anywhere.

You know..  I keep feeling like I should just disappear. Go somewhere new and just start a new life. Just leave everything behind. I don’t know if that is my answer… But im afraid I’ll move to Germany and I will keep fighting with her over and over..

F*uck!!!  is there any area wich actually works fine in my life?!

I know it’s going to be fine.. I will be great.. But I’m so tired of waiting..

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Robi1992.

Dear anita

This is the first time when I can truly say I started to identify the source of my struggles. When I decided to write here I taught I will find such complex insights. It really seems like you got it right. I think you are very gifted and you have a very sharp sense of understanding.

Indeed It really seems like I am doing the same thing I’ve always done. Even If I already wrote that in other words, It took someone else to point that to me.  I think I am living again what I was living for all my childhood. I suppose that is also the source for my social anxiety symptoms. I was never very open, but weirdly enough I was. It always depended on the people around me at that moment. You know those indian totem poles? Well.. its something like that. When I meet someone who ( by my level of understanding and judging people ) seems better in some way than me ( let’s say on a higher level )  I tend to be nervous. On the other hand, if the opposite happens I can be quite self confident and even charming. Than I feel in control and I tend to dominate. I might even fall in the other extreme.

” This anger needs to be addressed before you can un-trap yourself, free yourself from the habit of waiting. ”

I am not sure what addressed means in this context. I sadly don’t really know what to do about it by now.

I noticed I feel much better and I temporarely feel like my struggles are gone if I have something to do. For example If I have a very busy day and I feel like I’m doing something everything seems to be fine and I have a feeling of fulfillment and happiness. But I don’t have very busy days. I don’t need to be anywhere and I don’t need to wake up in the morning for a specific reason. I feel like I need to wake up in the morning and go somewhere with a purpose and have a routine that keeps me alive. I did have a routine in school and even high school, when I had to go somewhere every day. Sometimes it was school sometimes It was a coffee shop skipping classes. I was always doing something.. but now it feels like every day just repeats itself and I’m asking the same questions over and over again.

My girlfriend its telling me every day I need to change. She keeps telling me every day I should find a way to stand on my own feet, learn german ( since we spoke about moving to her country ), clean more and be less impulsive and aggressive. I am not aggressive in a physical way but I tend to get very angry when we fight. She does as well. Indeed I sometimes insult her without realizing it at the moment. I always regret and apologize but that’s the only thing I do. I don’t change anything. I talk a lot but I don’t really do.  It’s frustrating… I really want to change those things but I simply postpone it every time like I keep forgetting about it. It might seem like I don’t care..  Once my therapist told me I don’t care about anything. But I think I do. Otherwise I guess I wouldn’t feel bad about not changing.

I need to do something to feel like I’m getting somewhere.. and it’s hard because there is a lot of resistance.

Thank you so much for listening!

Dear anita

Well.. I guess I never felt very close to my parents. I was very attached to them as child ( very young  barelly remember something) but as I grew up I started liking them less and less to the point of being against them when it comes to pretty much everything.

Most of the times it felt like I hate them and I considered them loosers. I basically considered everyone to be better than my parents and I showed them that.  I cannot say I had a specific reason to feel that way about them. I was also against them even when they where right..

About one thing I am sure. They never gave me privacy or the feeling of freedom. As I mentioned in my first and very long post, they used to keep me with them at their workplace after finishing my school. I had to just sit around there for 6..7 hours every day after finishing school. Only after I was going home.. With them. All of my friends used to go home after school and watch TV, play games or just.. Maybe have some time on their own.

I guess I hated them for that.

I also hated them for not having my own room. Well.. I did. But none of the stuff there was mine. It was one of the rooms my parents basically used to keep various stuff in. The appartment I was raised in only had 2 rooms. Except from the living room and kitchen there was only one room left.. The room I was sleeping in. It wasn’t so bad.. Some people make it with much less…

But… It had a door basically made of glass.. U couldn’t see clearelly through it.. But it didn’t give me a feeling of privacy. They used to also come in whenever they needed something from there and that used to happen every time.. They kept stuff they used daily there. I never had my own space. I never had a room full of posters on the walls and personal things around.

I also hated them for that..

I used to minmize whatever was happening on my computer every time they we’re entering the room. I dont know why.. Maybe I was trying to keep something for myself.

I also kept most of my friends as a secret from themt. I never wanted my parents to get to know my friends.

I don’t know if this answered your question..
‘Did you feel seen by them through the years, heard, listened to?<
Or did you feel through the years with your parents, invisible, empty, lost in nothingness?”

Well.. I felt controlled not necesarelly seen. Heard.. Maybe. They bought me stuff I wanted occasionally but that’s pretty much where it ended.

Invisible I didn’t. They could almost see me through that glass door. Also hear me. So.. Imagine me taking call. So I was listened to aswell.. But not the way I would’ve preffered.

I don’t know about the empty of lost part.. I wasn’t happy.. I’m sure about that. Being a big part of my childhood trapped in their woworkplace indeed made me feel invisible.. I was always there.. Everyone was coming and going. Except me. I wasn’t. Hmm.. Pretty much like…  now.

Well u said it.. Things from childhood do repeat..  S*it.

There was also the lake house. In summers we lived there. I had nothing to do and not much friends. I was living there for the summer. My friends used to come for the weekend and get back to the city. Again I was trapped there waiting for people to come and give me some attention. I guess.. I was very lonely. Well.. Not.

My parents where there every second of my childhood.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Robi1992.