@RockBanana – That really rang some bells for me, especially this: “the new belief will be “I can be outgoing at times, reserved at other times”. I’m inclined to think I’m no good at making friends too, but when I read this, I had a sudden flash of “this week I’ve had a couple of good conversations, where I actually felt quite sociable – that was me too! – I can build on that”.

I’ve used visualisation in the past to change my perspective of things, putting together a mental video of myself in different situations where I felt confident (even if only momentarily), then re-running it repeatedly, cutting all the good moments together to build a feeling of confidence. And it worked – I was able to do a training course that I’d thought I wouldn’t be able to cope with, and go on to get work that I’d previously thought would be impossible for me.

But I hadn’t thought of doing the same thing for changing my view of myself as shy and introspective socially. I’ve also sat down and looked back at some of my past history, and made myself acknowledge the positive aspects of things that I’ve been remembering as totally negative. There were many good things in there that I’ve been totally overlooking. So helpful. (That might have been in response to another post of yours – whatever, it has helped me a lot.)

I really hope your comments are as helpful to jennh. Thanks again.

I’ve been working my way back out of a long depression too, and it still feels strange a lot of the time to me too. I’ve found so much of the material on this website to be very, very helpful, for moving away from depressive thinking, but I never really found very much anywhere when I tried searching for reassurance that being undepressed might feel downright weird.

This is just a bit of odd thinking that has helped me – maybe it will give someone else a bit of encouragement too.

Elsewhere, I’d come across the idea of ‘10,000 hours to mastery’, which is usually mentioned in the context of learning a musical instrument or language, or similar skill (and has been misrepresented anyway – article here explains it and how the phrase got taken up and reinterpreted – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-26384712 ). Anyway, it occurred to me that skills are thinking patterns, so maybe a similar timescale could also apply to developing mastery of a more positive outlook, after so many years of the opposite.

If I think of all the hours I’ve spent mastering digging those negativity channels so deeply in my brain, it’s hardly surprising that changing them doesn’t happen instantaneously, or that it would feel ‘wrong’ to think differently.

I idly worked out how long 10,000 hours is. At 8 hours a day (8 hours positive thinking a day? hmm), that’s 2,920 hours in a year. So over 3 years to reach ‘mastery’. For all that the 10,000 hours figure is plucked out of the air, it did really help to think in terms of needing to practise a new skill for a good long while before it became automatic and comfortable.

It encouraged me to keep battling on, hoping that non-depression would start to feel more normal, and it helped me to remember to ‘let go’ when it felt strange, rather than focusing on the strangeness.

It’s about six months since I made myself a little reminder: “10,000 hours – 8 hrs/day = 3.5 yrs. Patience.” I can see a lot of progress since then – a distinctly increasing proportion of days where I can honestly say that I feel ‘normal’ again. I do still fall back to feeling really bleak again sometimes, and that is a shock every time (it feels almost as if the ‘better’ bits hadn’t happened), but I’ve got much more skilled at seeing it as old habits trying to reassert themselves, and then being able to dig myself out again.

Tips and encouragement from other tinybuddha people like Julianne are invaluable. Knowing that others have been along this road before is really helpful. Thank you. One day at a time and SMILE. 🙂

Thank you so much for asking this question, Todzilla – I recognise a lot of it in myself. Too much. Hmm.

And thank you, ever-amazing Matt for this: “It sounds more like she doesn’t like you randomly pooping in her face. That’s not good or bad, it just is how she is.” It made me laugh out loud, and at the same time, made me see what I do, way too often… Eeerrrkkk!

In future, I shall aim for “But, inside the castle, let it be warm and juicy” instead. 🙂

Metaphors are so powerful.

You said, “but I think I still need more time to change myself first so I can be worthy enough for her”.

Maybe being honest about your feelings for her would be a huge step in the right direction of change, and would set off other good changes? Is it “worthy” to continue pretending that you don’t care about her, when she clearly cares about you, and is unhappy because she thinks you don’t care about her? Maybe being “worthy” includes risking honesty?

Yes, it’s scary. Most exciting things are scary! Going and speaking to her, and telling her how you really feel, would be beginning to change yourself. Waiting for a magical change to happen, without actually doing anything, is likely to leave you in the same place you’re in now. And her, too. All sad. You know she likes you. As Jessica said, nobody is ever fully in the right spot.

I completely get what you mean about being awkward socially etc, as I was excruciatingly shy when I was younger, but maybe you underestimate how most people feel – lots of outwardly confident people are inwardly very uncomfortable too – it has taken me many years to figure that out, but it’s true.

The meditation suggestion is a good one too – really good for anxiety of any description – I wish I’d learnt how to meditate years ago.

Be kind to yourself, and kind to her, and go for it! Don’t beat yourself up about it – just do it.

PS If ‘an awkward boy with social problems’ means more than average awkwardness, don’t be too fast to write yourself off. People who want to change really can – it takes time, hard work and good support, but it’s definitely possible. Knowing that you want to change – and being willing to step outside the comfort zone – are the biggest steps. So get out of that comfort zone (which isn’t so comfortable anyway) and talk to her!

Some good ideas above, and I’d definitely go along with investigating meditation.

There are also a lot of useful pointers on this site – http://www.succeedsocially.com/articlesmakingfriends which I wish had been around for me to read when I was at uni. It would have helped a lot! Most people find it a lot harder to talk to others and to make friends than it might appear. The bottom line really is that carrying on doing things the same way is unlikely to result in different results.

It’s worth the risk of trying something different.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by rosamundi. Reason: To link to a more relevant page of the site

It’s all very normal. What isn’t normal or healthy is worrying about it so much.

Worrying about thinking about ‘bad’ things is a very common source of anxiety problems, but people who are going to do bad things don’t generally worry about doing them – the fact that you are worrying shows that it goes against your nature. It’s just how minds work – minds can’t help but look into the dark corners. That’s all it is. Honest! The more you can let it go, the less it will bother you. The more you hang on to worrying about it, the bigger an issue it will seem, and the more likely it is to spoil things between you and your boyfriend, which really would be a pity.

Finding out about meditation might help you to calm your mind and be kinder to yourself, and it is a really good skill to have for anyone who gets anxious.

No need for ANY of the washing either.

You are normal and not bad!! Believe us all. 🙂

Just a thought. I felt like that for years. Then I got a job that was well-paid and used my talents etc etc – and I still managed to be depressed and anxious (I felt guilty and undeserving, amongst other things).

It wasn’t the job that was the answer, it was my attitude that needed changing. Try reading round around on here and you might just save yourself a great deal of unnecessary misery. That job just might turn up when you are least looking for it – or it might not – but either way, you’ll be a much happier person. Best for you, and everyone around you too. Making the world a better place includes being cheerful with the people you bump into every day (how I wish I’d worked that out years ago…) 🙂

I wish you well.

Matt really does come up with some wonderful replies. 🙂 They help me so much too.

Alyce, you said “I believe that I am a bad daughter, a bad mother, and now a bad grandmother too.” and that rang bells for me as well – and yet, I can see from what you’ve written that you are deluding yourself that you have been ‘bad’. You sound quite the opposite! I too keep telling myself how bad I was at mothering my very challenging teenager, and blaming myself – but I just did the best that I could too. It certainly wasn’t for lack of trying! Most decidedly not, when I think back.

It was lovely to read that last post where you said such lovely things about yourself, and you clearly meant them too. May you continue to make space for yourself, and to feel LARGE! I’m feeling larger too, so thank you for sharing. 🙂