@Jay2023 you’re doing great. Like re read your own posts and sensible and wise head is definitely screwed on! You sound more positive. Manifest what you want, you deserve better keep telling yourself that. Good job in not bothering to spy if it affects you like it did.

Good grief 110 miles a day is that 55 there and 55 back or 110 each way? That’s bonkers, do you enjoy it? Right now there must be no traffic but once restrictions lift and people go back to more office days then it will be crazy! That’s dedication,  I get so car sick if I’m not driving. If you can do that you’ve got tonnes of potential to stick to a good regime to better yourself!

Yes I’m shocked!!! I do look forward to you, Danny telling me your good news it’s hard to not get invested in your journey.

I’ve requested another day off tomorrow my boss thinks I’ll quit after his dress me down but i know he can’t afford to lose me and i might be taking advantage a bit but u seriously feel stressy.  Dont want to take it out on others or my new bf so some me time is needed!

You got any plans now restrictions are lifted? New haircut to match the new clothes maybe?

@Jay2023 sorry had a tough weekend with bleeds and headaches, I think the stress of the move is getting to me. On top of that I missed a deadline because I didn’t realise we are almost midway through April. The boss wasn’t happy. Luckily today I had requested a me day and just got a haircut finally and went for a walk. Friends are trying to convince me to join them for happy hour at our local but since stopping drinking I don’t enjoy the environment either. So I think ill give it a pass and relax with a bubble bath.

How are you feeling? Did you enjoy the football with your friend? You’re doing so well in trying not to dwell. There will be moments where you feel like your going backwards but reel yourself out of it.

Woaaaah 5am? When do you sleep and how many miles is your commute to work if you have to wake up at 5?

@Jay2023 sorry yesterday I had an awful headache so fell asleep straight after work, I thought I’d message you today as you said the weekend was going to be empty. I know how it feels! New roads will lead to an exciting new adventure, pattern up!

I used to feel awful as the day went on, in the mornings I’m so groggy I have no concept of time or anything lol. But I do recall Shelby saying the mornings for her anxiety are the worst, so maybe it’s anxiety or chemical balance thing?

Journalling is amazing or keeping a diary, it’s good to read back, and sometimes writing it all out feels like you’ve expelled all the bad vibes.

I wasn’t always spiritual but my break up happened right at the start of this pandemic, someone called dose of reality posted a very thought-provoking post, for me, it triggered an awakening and put everything into context so I went back to faith. It helps to know there’s a greater being who you can put your hope and faith in and no matter what happens that constant is there. Not for everybody but really does give you a different type of solace.

Reading relationship advice is good, but if you draw too much data or read too much into something then sometimes it can leave you more confused than you started.

I do believe you have underlying issues like rocd, over analysing and self worth. These are all remediable, i think you have the perserverance and will make change. Yes she may have moved on, that doesn’t mean she’s winning. She may even get married and tick off that checklist you wanted with her. However without facing her problems head-on will she ever grow? What you are doing will no doubt make you a better person, make you less needy, more self-loving and lead you to real contentment if done properly. Even if I didn’t have a bf right now, I would be happy. This time last year I was suicidal and never thought I’d feel complete without a relationship etc. It’s those people who are able to work on themselves, who take time to reflect, don’t rush to another relationship for validation that find inner happiness that win in life. You could be married, 2 kids, millionaire but if your soul is not happy you’ll never be.

Tell me about yourself Jay, who were you before this chapter?

Sure @Jay2023 we’re here, may get busy with my house move but will do my best to reply.

That’s okay if it’s faded,no emotion stays at 100 that’s the same for sadness. It will not stay forever. Life will keep you moving one way or another. On days when you feel less confident or hopeful of change just try and survive that wave.

I’m really sorry I can’t help with how to deal with the effects of medication, I have no experience. I know @Tim1 and @Shelbyville took something for their anxiety/depression. I recall Shelby saying it takes the edge off enough to cope but you still feel all the emotions. You don’t go numb. Can you mix alcohol and these types of medications? Be careful last thing you need on top is a trip to A&E for interaction or overdose!

A thing that my bestie taught me was when that train of thought comes, each time it enters your mind. Say WHOOSH aloud. Adding onomatopoeia stops it in its track. Sounds stupid but do it long enough with some form of action, it distracts you immediately. Then give yourself the hard truths.

Relationships built on one individual desperately trying to craft themselves into a person they think the other would love are not good, or healthy, or sustainable. Relationships are about truth, about loving and respecting each other for who and where you are right now.

Where are you right now? Alone so you need to love yourself.

Whereas if you just constantly focus on what is she doing, is she thinking of me like I’m thinking of her, your thoughts will spiral. Most often or not you will not even cross her mind! So don’t destroy yourself with rumination.
It’s the smaller steps that add to the bigger progress. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself.

You’re doing great. Even if your weekend is empty in the sense you have no where to go. Tim once said having some form of niche hobby to look forward to at times of stress can help a lot. He enjoyed Lego.  Is there anything you enjoy doing? Any hobby that can involve some form of creative and manual work that will allow you to focus on the task at hand. Some people enjoy woodwork. Some people enjoy working on an old car. Is there a project you can embark on during your process of healing that can be the physical culmination of your work?

Also it’s very important as you heal and grow that you surround yourself with positive, encouraging people. If you feel like some of your crowd or friends are not supportive and just expect you to carry on then that’s the last thing you need. You need good people at times like this. So be wary of the influences of your inner circle. Be wary of those who may have encouraged to stay in a toxic situation too!  When I had my break up initially I pushed away the people who were good for my soul, who were honest and wanted the best for me. Instead I sought out those who were just saying what I wanted to hear who in the end delayed my healing.

The process of becoming a better adjusted person is developing the emotional tools and intelligence to know whats good for your soul. Once you start feeding the soul good, you will in turn feel much better!

@Jay2023 you’re a bigger person than I’ll ever be. It shows if you even contemplated taking on 3 children. I just don’t think I could without having my own first. So right away I’d steer clear. I think it’s also quite selfish of her to have introduced you to her family I.e. kids knowing she was unsure. As a mother instead of having a revolving door of men enter and exit I’d want stability for my children. So I think you’ve avoided bigger problems down the line had you stayed longer.

I think no offense to you in this instance she came back to breadcrumb so she had you available when she needed you at times she was bored, lonely and horny. Most women only sleep with a guy they are unsure about to get their needs met. This is why I asked did you ever buy her things because she could have also been using you for gifts. GOLD DIGGERS exist. A self respecting woman would never go there. Eventually the guilt must have got to her.

I really am sad to say I don’t think she came back to you because she cared because at no time have you indicated she supported you. Also she couldn’t have been fighting for some love because when a woman is in love she is all in. Like I said earlier takers don’t know their limits. They will use you without a thought for how their actions impact the other. When you come across an emotionally unstable person this is what happens.

I’m so happy with the movement you’re making, CBT is all about your capacity to change and believing you can alter the negative thought processes. It is something I did with the support of my bestie who has a masters in psychology. It does work. As long as you’re willing to put effort and change then I think you will make it a success and get out of that hole. Jay surround yourself with people who love you and will support you during this time and your progress will be incredible.

I hope you are starting to see the glimmer now. Baby steps toward a better you. How’s your sm hiatus going? Any slipping? Might help to just block her.

@Jay2023 it’s fine i can take the time to read if the message is addressed to me or someone else. So don’t worry about tagging.

I feel once you address the ocd even though it id mild you will find you have more control by letting go of control. Weird but sometimes just letting things be is key.

I hope you don’t mind but I want to understand you more, when was the first time she experienced cold feet like how soon into your relationship? And did she talk about why?

Do you think you were desperate to keep it alive because you had been lonely? Rather than her being the one?

@Jay2023

I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. I’m not very informed on medication but does it work overnight? If not, does that mean the placebo effect proves its in our mindset? You think the medication is doing it but really it was you. Does that make sense? That’s a great sign though if it is placebo effect because you’re healing with guidance on tour thoughts can be sped up without having to actively rely on medication.

Are you seeing a therapist? I was wondering if you have OCD in any other aspects of your life that may be leading to relationship ocd?

Don’t beat yourself up if you do slip up in your SM ban , it’s so addictive to gocompletrly cold turkey takes determination and will power of its own.

I’m actually really impressed and proud of you for all these active measures you are taking. It might not seem like it but you’re doing great Jay!