I am wondering if these comments are actually emotional abuse. You may be experiencing that and not know it. If your partner is not willing to change these, maybe see either a) couples therapy b) bring an outsider in and explain both views and get their opinion c) set up boundaries (you talk to me like this, I will walk away) or my recommendation d) leave the situation.

If you are both stubborn, it sounds like he is gaslighting and victim blaming you to make you think you’re also the problem. If someone is emotionally abusive, it’s not a communication struggle within the relationship. It’s abuse. You need to ask a therapist about the red flags and signs (or look them up yourself).

Hope that helps!

hi Lindzee,

I’ve been on a unique journey with my beliefs. I started as conservative Christian then feminism changed then. I was briefly an atheist and it was the angriest time of my life. I returned to Christianity but a more liberal progressive type. I began having spiritual experiences such as this- the name Meekah kept coming to my head. I was like, “Who’s Meekah?” It turned out to be a little girl at a daycare I helped turn around. Well…I had this name in my head long before I ever saw the roster or started that job. It was a premonition. I have more experiences but I’m not sharing them publicly at this time. Anyways, I started to dabble in new age (reiki has done wonders for me) and became this- I’m a mix of New Age, Christian and Buddhist but none as they are. I do believe in hell. I read Neal Donald Walsh say even Hitler goes to heaven because there’s no hell and every fiber of my being fought this idea. I knew that there was more to this life. I knew that there was a hell because there should be one. But I do not believe we are sent there for just anything. I believe we experience spiritual experiences whether we believe or not. Ever fall in love? Make someone happy? Help a stranger? But there’s no one way to just being with God. You’re right about that. It’s about who you ARE. Belief helps but it doesn’t determine if God loves you. In fact there is nothing you can do to earn God’s love and forgiveness.

Those are my views. I would say that the bible is very inaccurate but I always felt moved by Jesus. I think there’s a lot we don’t know so we have to stay open. I wouldn’t shut down completely from God if I were you. But I wouldn’t hold the same views as my father or upbringing if they felt wrong for me.

Hope that helps!

Sarah

Here’s how to positively reframe this situation:

1. Your mom finally got to open up to someone, aka you so she’s not alone anymore

2. You got to reassure her repressed feelings

3. You two can become closer

4. You can resolve not to be codependent on her and let herself be her own teacher (meaning you don’t have to provide therapy)

5. Your mom is seeking better care with your brother and has hope.

6. You are empathetic and sensitive in nature, meaning you feel for others deeply. This means you are a good person. The opposite would be concerning. Your reaction is normal and natural and human and good.

7. You can continue to work on yourself and talk to us here on how you are doing. We can give you advice if needed for your mom or yourself. You and her are not alone.

8. You have taken such proactive steps towards getting help. I am so proud of you.

🙂

Javier,

Wow! I am so amazed and proud of you for being so PROACTIVE. You have a great attitude about all this and are actually doing a lot of good for yourself. Give yourself some credit.

If you don’t want to buy The Secret, I found the full text on Youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBXVrH_VvAY&t=4561s

I believe in you. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Your life is worth it. I am so excited to see the person you become from all this. You have already done a lot for yourself and will help others one day with this same struggle. You have the ability to turn it around now.

So…live. I want you to live. I want you to know it’s going to be okay. I want you to take breaks, laugh, live in the moment and love yourself. I want you to know that God has not abandoned you.

Neither will I. 🙂

Javier

i am seeing that you lack coping skills. You are trying to solve everything when the truth is “don’t try to calm the storm. Calm yourself. The storm will pass.” Meditation will be extremely useful to you.

you are outside your window of tolerance for negative feelings. You are blaming yourself for your moms upset. That is out of your control. But you are being highly proactive.

you need to stop panicking and worrying about every little thing. On top of trauma and depression you are catastrophizing and panicking over not feeling well. This is perpetuating the problem.

ive given you homework. If you want more read Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and Try Softer by Aundi Kolber. They are self help books that will change your life.

i want you to google coping skills for ptsd and depression. Search Facebook groups for emotional support groups.

Ground yourself in the present when you start to feel bad. Focus only on your senses things you smell see taste touch and hear until you calm down. Try box breathing too. Inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts then repeat.

you asked me to pray for you. I have been. Your mom is experiencing codependent emotions with you. All you can do is reassure her. You can’t control her response. As you’ll find in Victor Frankl writing you can only control yourself. The one choice you have in any situation is your attitude.

im praying for you. I feel called to answer you. I’m trying to keep you alive but can only do so much. You’ve shown me you want to live and are fighting for yourself. Give the rest to God. I’ll be here as you navigate this.

Javier,

I’m so proud of you again for getting help. I know it’s tough. But you’re almost through this! You just have to hold on. 🙂 We are here for you. I’m not going anywhere. You can check in as much as you like. I will answer as soon as I can.

Once you get the answers, you can take control of your life. That is the goal. You have that to look forward to.

Try gratitude journaling. It seems too like you have negative thought patterns which you have not yet learned to positively reframed. This is an article I wrote today for Forbes on this very issue: HERE

So you have a why. You want to see what will happen once you get the answers and take control. You want to not cause those you love the suffering of you ending it. But you need to dig a little deeper and find more whys.

Here’s some suggestions:

1) To help others go through what you are going through

2) To advocate for causes related to your issues

3) To find happiness and purpose

4) To know yourself so you can be vulnerable and open in a relationship without leaning too hard on the other person

5) To establish boundaries so you stay safe in your relationships or know when to walk away

6) To love yourself unconditionally. I want you to start working on this one right now.

7) To forgive yourself and others.

8) To follow something bigger than yourself- maybe an organization, cause or even a faith

9) To make meaning out of the mess. Your mess is your message.

10) And to be mindful in the moment. I suggest starting to meditate. Try Insight Timer for free ones.

Can you think of anymore?

First of all, I’m proud of you for reaching out for help. Since wed is your follow up, try to find some ways of coping til you get the answers. I had something happen to me today that made me want to give up. I was very drowsy, and it’s been like this for two weeks. I thought I wasn’t eating healthy enough so I kept trying different things. Then I told my mother who said the same thing happens to her a lot. She told me it was sinuses. I took a sinus med and felt all better. The point of this? The whole time my brain was telling me to give up. I was filled with negative thoughts, worries, ruminations and catastrophizing. My own bran was using my fears against me. And it turned out to be fixable.

That’s not unlike your situation. There are solutions, you just don’t see them. One thought that helped me through this time was thinking “I’m just going to be curious about what is happening next.” My brain wanted to just quit. I was done. I was like, I can’t function or live this way so why do it? And it turned out to just be my sinuses! I used this thought of just being curious for how things to resolve themselves to fight back persistent negative thought patterns. It worked.

You don’t have to have all the answers now. I hope you get on Lexapro and if not, they find another med which will work for you. Your evaluation uncovered many helpful things and it’s all coming together! There is a way through this which is to keep going, to just be curious about how things will turn out.

I’ve had suicidal ideations most of my life. I always wanted to just give up. So I know how you feel. I kept going because I wanted to help others. What is your “Why?” Do you feel you have one? You need it to be strong enough to hold onto through this. It could be a dream, a way to help others through similar things, a relationship, a faith or religion…anything that gives you meaning. I recommend the book Man’s Search for Meaning by holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl. You are not the first to feel despair and hopelessness. So many feel it. But there are people who have written great things about it. He is one of them.

I’ll be praying for you. Please keep telling a professional how you are feeling, and if you are suicidal, call a hotline or go to a psych ward or call local authorities. It’s okay to need help right now. But you’re life isn’t over. You have so much more to give and experience. No one can take that away from you- not your past, not your mind etc. No one can take away the goodness that your life has to offer. You just need to remind what’s worth holding onto.

For journaling, there are many different types. If you are exploring negative feelings, it could bring up trauma. I would self advocate and ask for other journaling methods. Maybe try gratitude journaling. See how that feels.

All my best,

Sarah

I understand- I’ve had someone in my life once give me the same type of criticism. Know that it’s not your fault you are being treated this way. The only way to win IS to love yourself.  Look up exercises online for finding self-compassion (Such as by Kristin Neff) or radical self love advice. You need to let the weight thing go or it will ruin your life. You are already beautiful. We are fed a lie by society that we must look a certain way to be attractive. It’s not true at all. It’s just what we have known all our lives and believed. Don’t lose yourself in that.

If you want diet and exercise tips, here are mine- I’m a mix of vegan and keto. If you don’t want to go vegan, look into keto at least. I am fuller faster and longer because of it. I also recommend steel cut oats for breakfast. Not rolled oats. STEEL CUT. They are a little harder to prepare but worth it. I lost a lot of weight doing this and it kept me full almost all day. I do this or a mix of any keto friendly cereal (catalina crunch is another example). I eat an avocado a day for the keto, plant protein drink, roasted or stir fried vegges (From a food kit) and an apple and banana a day. As long as you are HEALTHY, a diet plan is okay to have. It’s fun to find recipes too. 🙂

For workout, I’ve tried EVERYTHING. And I’ve found a)I love nature b) jogging is doable. So I’m not super in shape but I mix a run and fast walking when I’m outside in the cool evening. (or whenever you want). It’s taken a few months to get it a part of my routine but I enjoy it. The runner’s high is a real thing too!

I hope that all helps you regain control. Remember- you are beautiful.

Edit: For the isolation thing, try some facebook support groups!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.