Do you think he was honest with the book note? Possibly. It sounds like you both may be young and while he liked you, he still wants to play the field and get to know himself better and what he wants in life. His initial reaction does read like a male who might be confused by his emotions. It doesn’t excuse his rudeness towards you though. You didn’t deserve that and please don’t let it affect your self-esteem too much.

Should I just forget about him? Honestly, I would. Move on to someone else. It doesn’t need to be immediate but you do deserve someone who isn’t questioning your rank in their life. Don’t settle for being an option.

What do you think of all this? I blocked him everywhere and I have no intention to talk to him. This is good. We all go through heartbreak in life. There will be more after this. You don’t need negativity in your life either. Block and move on. Better yourself and a better partner will eventually find their way into your life. Best of luck 🙂

Hi Jezz – I’m trying to send good vibes your way as I write this.

First off, do not fall for his manipulations. He has already shown you – repeatedly – his TRUE self. As others have mentioned, he is not going to change. Don’t even believe so for a second. Think of him in past tense. He should have little to no part in your future (you have a child with him, so it does make it difficult). If you still need help getting over any lingering feelings, write out everything terrible he did to you as well as how it made you feel. Reference this whenever you feel nostalgia creeping in for the good times/love-bombing times. Beyond this, I highly recommend journalling or having a diary. I have a blog where I write about my life and it’s always fascinating to me to go back and see how far I’ve come. Those recorded milestones can work wonders in terms of self-awareness and building confidence.

Secondly, you mention defining yourself through your relationships. This needs to change. You are an independent entity. You have strength, intellect, beauty and WORTH all on your own. You need to funnel that energy somewhere though because until you truly believe that statement, it is going to be tough. What are some hobbies or interests of yours? What traits would you want to define yourself by (honesty, compassion, etc.)? This can be a start to considering where to funnel that energy. After my relationship ended, I took up cooking. I never really ate healthy and had no idea how to cook properly. My ex even made comments on this, implying that I am not a good woman to make a wife (eye-roll, lol). I decided to take that criticism and become a spectacular cook. My friends and family members are shocked at how good I am now. This hobby has 1) diverted my time and attention away from feeling depressed about what happened and 2) added a skillset that has enhanced my life in many ways. You need to find something like this that could act as a distraction and improve your self-esteem.

I TOTALLY understand what you say when you reference “trauma bond”. It can become a comfort zone. For one person, it’s easy to fall back into. But I am going to guilt you into something beyond yourself. You have children that you need to make considerations for. Would you want them to live your current life? Would you want your siblings or close friends to live your current life? If not, why do you settle for this yourself? Try to answer the truthfully. You need to start referencing it this way because I’m sure you have people in your life who want you to succeed and be happy. You don’t want to let them down. Give yourself the same compassion you would afford them in return.

You second-guess yourself because of his manipulation. It is an illusion.

Building yourself up again will be a process – and it will take time – but I know you have it within you. I read your writing and I know you have that insight. You are looking deeper into yourself and trying to make good, sound decisions. You are already on the right path. 🙂

Please write back anytime and give updates or ask for advice or an ear. I am here for you!

My gut feeling is to take this outburst as a blessing and leave him be. You deserve better than someone who treats you like that.

My first reaction is that an hour in the bathroom after a shower is normal if I’m washing my hair. I’m female, have a long mane, and that is how long it takes me to shower/wash/shave/wash/condition/comb through my hair/moisturize, etc.. It’s a process. ha ha

I wish you a happy birthday Elena and I give thee a virtual hug. I know how it feels to be alone. But remember – there is always someone out there in the same situation as you, seeking connection. Get yourself a cake. Treat yourself to something you’ve always wanted and remember that the world has your back.

As anyone recovering from physical and emotional abuse, i am just so confused as to how i let myself lower my standards and receive treatment that shouldnt even be given to a dog.

If you were to see me walking down the street, you would assume that I have it pretty well: highly educated, great career, interesting life filled with travel … but I also found myself in this situation in 2015/16. I was emotionally and, at times, physically abused, constantly manipulated and lied to. But I thought this person loved me. He told me after all, even asked me to marry him several times (which I was considering). This all culminated when I did a bit of research. My intuition was looking out for me. I discovered he was courting other women, eventually getting married TWO months after we last spoke. It’s now a few years later and my self-esteem is still recovering from this. I may exude confidence on the outside, but memories of this make me still feel like garbage today. No one deserved that treatment. Not me. Not you.

But why did we do it? This is where you need to look within yourself. Understanding where this originates from will be so pivotal to your growth and closure. There is something that lowered our confidence into believing this was acceptable. In my situation, I could easily trace it. My father died from terminal cancer rather abruptly in 2014. I always had a strained relationship with my mother (I am also an only child). I felt so alone and sank into deep depression. When a handsome guy comes along and makes you feel good again, it becomes like a drug. But, like a drug, they are ultimately one’s undoing. I used this toxic relationship as a cover-up for deeper issues I was experiencing. This insight has helped me make better decisions moving forward. As mentioned though, I am still recovering in other areas. I’m not going to downplay the length of time recovery may take. It will be something you need to make a conscious effort for, always being mindful of your choices.

Don’t feel like you are alone in this though. There are a number of people who have gone through exactly what you (and I) have gone through. Find comfort in that. Use forums like this for release. I do pray for you. You will get through it. 🙂

I want to give you a hug. I know this is hard. I’ve been there myself. The best answer I can give, which is also the hardest to be receptive to, is to let time run it’s course. Keep yourself busy. Read, travel (if possible), discover new sides to yourself. Your break-up is still fresh that’s why it hurts so much.

Having said that, I know that some people in life – even if they aren’t good for us at the end of the day (and this guy wasn’t good for you – take hold and it’s very, very difficult to shake them. Being told to “discover yourself” just seems insulting with what you are feeling inside. I know when I was in this state, I stalked his social media and even drove by his neighbourhood just praying for an encounter so that he would finally see that I am the person he should be with. I was a mess with false hope.

But it never happened for me.

Chances are slim it will happen to you.

Treat this as a learning experience. Never give too much of yourself to someone who gives so little in return. Take this opportunity to love yourself so much that you will never allow someone to treat you like this again.