Dear Anita & Tee

Thank you both for your insightful response. It lightened my bulb about being Empathic. I should try to be more empathic than trying to not criticize. I put some TED videos on my watchlist to understand Empathy on deeper level. Also, I think it’d also be really helpful professionally too, Since I’m in Management position so I should be listening with empathy than criticize or judge.

Tee said
“And since there is not just an expectation, but also pressure that you put on her, that’s not really kind and caring. I think it’s closer to controlling”
I agree with that because in the past I used to be kind of controlling person. And I’m still working on that

Maybe you don’t like her complaining
Yes, I don’t like when people complain and not doing anything about it.
Although now I know what you mean is really emphasizing but mostly what I do is when I listen to complain I directly go for solutions

 I think the urge to change her
Not really. I may have reacted like that, but I don’t have intention to change anyone. as I said before I just listened complains and went for solutions that’s why

Anita said,

it seems like I suggested to you that there is a connection between your present problems and your childhood,

Yes. Because I was unsure and maybe I still am?
The thing is that one side of my action-oriented brain like “okay, so you know now. What now? How to solve that?”
(I think it may or may not be side effect of working at so “Fast paced start-up” I don’t like this word anymore because getting things done right away mentality)
But another side of my brain knows that these things (Like CEN) take time to heal. Taking small steps and figuring things out (Example: today I knew that I have to work on my empathy skills)
One part of my brain is very impatient, and one part is patience so that’s why I’m unsure and you feel I had a change of mind

 stop redirecting your criticism of your father to ===> your virtual girlfriend (and possible future real-life girlfriends). You know how it feels to be criticized… don’t do it to the woman in your life, or to your future children, in the name of being a “very caring person”, be it a very-caring-boyfriend/ husband, or a very-caring-father.

Yes, you’re right thanks for point that out. That’s why I have to work on my empathy skills because I’m realizing just because I’m being hard on myself, I don’t have to be hard on others. I need to be more compassionate with others and myself.

this is what criticism (the boldfaced) 
Yes, I agree. I’m getting better at not listening to others criticism.
And also, lately I’m talking to myself positively instead of directly attacking myself with criticism.

Addy

Dear Anita,
I agree healing needs to be done. but past is past we can’t change that. We can only accept that and learn from it.
And there’s just so much good things that I still feel since my childhood. I get happy even seeing the smallest possible natural things happening around me. It makes me smile and forget all the worry and it does make me remember that my inner child is still alive and I’m taking care of that inner child in me. I’m not listening to others. Sometimes I sleep on the roof even if I get cold, but I know how much I love staring at sky filled with stars, Same for taking care of small plants leaf by leaf. Other thinks it’s silly and childish but I love it.

Dear Anita,

Today I was thinking about my relationship patterns when I was taking a walk and I found out these things
Most of my relationship Start with me giving good attention,
I feel so much attracted,
I do the extra caring
Writing letters and poems. etc
and like after some time if they also giving me same energy all goes well for few days
and after that when they finally start to get even closer with me, I just feel like I don’t know how to explain but like trapped?
And I just feel more distant when they try to be closer with me and I feel fear to be committed so after that I just try to avoid the deep feelings but already late from the other side
I never intent to hurt anyone and also in my next relationship I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings

What should I do about that?

Dear Anita,
“I am better than some, not as good as others”
It’s not easy to answer you haha but I hope you’ll be even better

And You just made my day with LIFE. I’ll work on that. but can you also explain how can I develop that Loving Inner Father Entity (LIFE)? Like how can I start? can you guide through the progress?

Thanks a lot
and Have a Funtastic day 😀

Addy

Dear Tee,
How you’re self-observing? You mean journaling how you feel and if it’s not something that you want you try to improve that state?

Dear Anita:

yes, definitely (over time, not immediately).
Thanks, I’ll try to do that

Your father’s current in-real-life criticism (aka outer critic) is maintaining that critical negative voice (aka inner critic), a critical, negative voice that your father is largely responsible for. If you block the outer critic, it will be the first step to weaken the inner critic.

Oh, I see you found a good insight from the details I’ve provided! how do you even remember this much? Give me secrets of your note takings😂

But as I’ve said I’m mostly blocking the outer critics. Eg. Like if you don’t know about Medical tings I wouldn’t care about your opinion.
I’m trying to be very rational and not just dwell in what everyone’s opinions about me. Because only I know What I’m capable of and What I’ve been through
I decide my limits, not other people.

your inner critic is causing you to lose your energy (see your own words in the quote, 2nd paragraph). Following the initial and unpleasant expenditure of energy asserting yourself with your father, and following the resulting weakening of the inner critic, you will regain much needed lost energy.

Yes, I prefer not to lose that energy and guide that energy for better things

do you mean that your father mostly does not criticize you, but from time to time he does? Does he say “do whatever you think is right for you” in a sincere tone or in an insincere, dismissive tone… a slightly angry tone?

No. He mostly doesn’t criticize me now. I wouldn’t even say time to time but like rarely. He’s actually saying that in sincere tone. Because he does know I’m doing what I can.

Dear Anita:

How’s your morning going?

 “If you had a child, a little boy, who trusts you and looks up to you (Addy) for love and protection, would you let your father (your boy’s grandfather) criticize your son like he criticized you, day after day (or once in a while), for as long as your father does it without the intention to hurt your boy, and for as long as he also has a soft spot for your child (between the criticisms)?”

No obviously not. Because I am aware of it and thing is that back in the days, I had this kind of thing like, I thought that he is doing this just to like to teach me like how to do like things “perfectly” I am not sure… Because that’s how he was raised Like you should be doing things “perfectly”

if you had a child, and you cared about your innocent child not being harmed (more than you cared about your father’s feelings), you would be different from your father, a different kind of father, and in a good way, wouldn’t you?

Yes obviously I would be different. I want to break this pattern and start the healthier pattern because I’m aware of it and I’ll try my best for that

because naturally, when people and other animals feel anger, they have the intention to hurt the object of their anger. The intention to hurt is inherent in anger.

Hmm Yes right I’m starting to accept different people with it’s different kind of abilities and inabilities