Hey Tee,

no, I can’t do yoga, it can actually add to the problem, in my case. But I do other types of exercises.

Hmm I see. Have you a found new doctor?

Great, keep it up!

But lately I feel like not doing anything, hopeless and I’m missing my cat too!

Oh she said it’s only your fault? Well, that’s not true really, because talking about reconciliation with her ex is a pretty big problem and it would be for any relationship…

I know right?

So she isn’t going back to her ex? She wanted to return to you but you said No – is that how it happened?

Yes. After getting back from the trip she said she thought about it a lot and she don’t think getting back together with her ex is a good idea. She did open up with me and told me maybe that idea of being alone is just scary for her and she’s just not used to it. And we talked about how I handled to live all by myself for years…

After that she was like yeah I can try for sometime without being in a relationship.

So did I just spread my disease into her? 😂

Yep, it’s rather notorious… and it affects every part of your life. So yeah, more inner child work, self-love and all that..

For sure!

Yes, it is irritating. But you can’t really change them, so you need to learn to live with it, but not allow abuse, of course. You can tolerate it once in a while when you come to visit, but don’t allow to stick to you. Try to be like teflon – things just slide from it and don’t stick

Haha that’s a good example. I’ll try that more since they already see me as a laid back guy it lol

 

You see? You too realize that self-esteem is key for not being too bothered with such comments. So you can do it too, work on loving and valuing yourself even more…

Yes that’s right!

I hope all three of you will learn how to be less sensitive and more self-confident. Good that your sister too realizes that your father and grandfather won’t change much. That means you shouldn’t even try. However, you can set boundaries and not allow verbal or emotional abuse. In fact, it’s kind of a two-pronged action: you work on yourself to become less triggered, but you also set boundaries so they can’t just mistreat you without consequences.

You’re right how can I make myself become less triggered? I mean there is boundaries there somewhat. My father doesn’t disrespect me anymore otherwise he knows I’m not going to just listen to him silently.

Okay, so that would be binge eating then. Do you have days when you eat way too much and sort of cannot control yourself?

Hmm yeah but not too often. But just today I did that. Maybe the times when I feel like not doing anything else I’d just eat.

Yeah, I am also not a breakfast person because I eat relatively late in the evening (I know, not a good strategy). So I am not hungry in the morning. But just the fact that you only have two proper meals isn’t in itself disordered eating. It’s maybe that you overeat in the evening, and you feel guilty about it? So then you starve yourself the next day, but then eat too much in the evening again? I was like that for a while, that’s why I am asking.

My mum wouldn’t allow me to eat that much late lol because her first question on the phone is always, did you ate? And yeah usually I do eat a lot in the evenings. During the day it’s okay but at evening I always eat a lot.

I did talked to my doctor friend and she suggested me to have small but 4-5 meals per day for healthy weight gain but I think that’s hard to manage for me

Do you mean you’d like to get praise/affirmation from people that you look good? But you said sometimes in the beginning of your posting on tinybuddha that you do get compliments for your looks, which you sort of shrug off. If I understood well?

Yes you remembered it well, I’m confused about it, because I don’t like when I need external validation, but external validation does kind of helps to believe in things…faster? I don’t know.

Coucou Tee,

Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.

I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?

But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.

Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?

I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave?

I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions???

On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love…

I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?

Yes Exactly!

Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?

No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings

Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).

I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.

But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?

Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?

Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results

You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.

It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…

I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better.

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Coucou Tee,</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better now though?</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? </p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess the part she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared, they’d take actions??? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>On the other hand, I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love… </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly! </p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I was in the kinda same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of physical nurturance, but not emotional, But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting because My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we can say “Out of my league” if we are seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t feel good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…</p>

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
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Hey Tee,

My cat was missing for two days and just today I find out that she died from jumping from the fence and there was some sharp objects. I buried her. I can’t express how I feel I’m feeling like I’ve lost someone really close to me for years even though it was just for like 4 months. Today after a lot of time I cried a lot. I still feel like when I’ll open the door she’s gonna come.

Hi Tee,

But anyway, we can’t suppress negative emotions selectively without suppressing positive emotions as well. So if you suppress anger, you cannot express love freely either. That’s how we operate.

Hmm That’s interesting, I didn’t know about this

Right now, your “calm and composed” stance in social situations is more due to the suppression of anger and self-control, right? Likewise, your slightly distant and detached stance with your girlfriend is a part of the same pattern. It’s not really your true self, but a defense mechanism. But it’s the same pattern: suppressing emotions, keeping a distance, which you exhibit both in social situations and in intimate relationships.

So I was wrong when I said those are two different things. They are not – it’s the same defense mechanism working in you. But as I said, don’t worry about it, you’re working on it.

So this defense mechanism is like still part of me or just something I’m using as a block for intimate relationships?

Amazing, mature response! You re-stated your current limitations and boundaries, and you stood by them. But you were also kind and caring towards her, telling her you don’t want to hurt her by those limitations/boundaries. And so you are letting her decide how to proceed. Well done, SereneWolf!

Good! I like that you can talk to each other so honestly. That’s a good sign. I hope it’s not the end of your relationship, but even if it is, you handled this very well. Very maturely. Kudos to you!

Thank a lot for your encouragement. I did learn things from you so thanks to you as well.

So yeah, I do like her vulnerability and honesty. But I think her older emotions are still strong. And to be honest I totally understand her dilemma as well but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure about me. So, when she’ll come back I’ll tell her No. I’m not worried about ending this relationship. It’ll take few days but I’ll be alright.

Hola Tee,

I am doing similarly, still no big breakthrough in healing…

Ohh you still haven’t found a good doctor?

Yeah I know what you mean – when you feel that their kindness is not sincere, but it comes with an expectation of you doing them a favor in the future, of giving them something in return. Yes, I’ve met such people. Don’t like them either…

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the same with my parents. I mean it could be just innocent love to their kids. But just because they provided me in the childhood now they’re expecting things from me?

Right, you seem “calm and composed”, but that’s because you’re good at controlling yourself and not letting it show. But inside, you feel very angry. As I said, I think a part of that anger isn’t related to the actual person standing in front of you, but it’s the anger at your father… and so you overreact (internally) to the person, although it doesn’t show on the outside. Or at least it’s not so obvious…

Yeah that’s right

There is this youtube channel that I like, called the Crappy Childhood Fairy, which is focused on healing from C-PTSD. And she teaches a method of daily journaling, which she calls “The Daily Practice.” The video describing it is titled “Calm Anxiety – Learn this simple technique 15 minutes“. She explains how she writes down all her fears and resentments, meditates on it a little, and then she asks God (for those who believe) to remove them. Or for non-believers, they can say they are ready to release those fears and resentments.

I do it a little differently, but I do write things down, and usually have some insight about what’s behind my fear or resentment, and it makes me feel better.

I’ve watched the video and it seems really on point so basically the idea is just putting down your negative thoughts on paper because PTSD mind is mostly dysregulated. Right?

Also she said anyone who gone thorough abuse would most probably have dysregulated mind and therefore symptoms of C-PTSD

I also took her free test for today and now I’m more firm that I may have C-PTSD

I’ve just tried the method today and I’m kind of feeling like less weight of fears already. I’m also trying to find insights, but I guess I’m just tired today.

Do you think you could do it, or you still have doubts?

Well currently I’m just trying affirmations but the thing is that I’m not used to tell myself nicer things, so I have to dig deeper and find my unique and skills and abilities.

I took time to write because I was busy and frustrated with work, I think I’m still very much of a result-driven person. Because I’m working on this project for so long trying different strategies but getting the same result and less efficient. It’s really making me feel down and questioning my abilities.

Don’t know what happened with markdown

 
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess you’re right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that I’m much aware I’m taking things slowly </p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess that’s why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I don’t know I’m just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>If she’d met me few month ago, she’d get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And No She never complained about my emotional “coolness”/reservedness only praised it many times.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But like I told you before she’s like a high school girl she just feels “a lot” so it’s obvious that she wants someone like that? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said he’s not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) she’s still feeling conflicted but she said she don’t want to cut ties with me…So she didn’t gave him any answer and told him to wait…</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I told her take her time, I’ll support her decision.</p>

Hey Tee,

How are you doing?

You’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started to believe that you are easy to love, and that you’ll be using that affirmation. I love that affirmation btw, I think it’s very powerful.

Oh good! Here’s another one I kinda created from the conversation we had, I am enough, just as I am, and I am worthy of all the good things that life has to offer.

Yeah, it could be that some of the positive attention and praise you’ve received was genuine, but you didn’t register it as such, because you believed you were hard to love… so you didn’t believe them.

Love bombing is usually used by narcissistic people as a way to hook you in, to “catch” you. Once they succeed, they become very different, they start controlling you, putting you down, manipulating you etc. Have you had such an experience before – of someone first playing super loving and nice, and then turning against you?

No actually not turning against me but like fake youj know?… I don’t like those kinds of people who just do something for me just because they want something from me. That’s not love. That’s simply like a business transaction. For example when I decide to help someone I don’t think I should only help this person if someday he/she can help me. In the past I had experienced with those kind of people and I’m not fond of that kind of greed even though it seems normal to everybody else.

Okay, this sounds like the way you reacted to your father: you actually wanted to tell him what he deserved, but you were afraid to do so… and so you remained silent but were boiling inside, right? Nowadays I guess when people remind you of your father, that same anger wants to come out, but you suppress it (rightfully so, because it would be inappropriate to express it to their face).

However, I think that’s why it would be so important to process the anger you feel at your father, because once you do, you’ll be much less reactive with other people, specially in professional settings, where it’s important to keep your cool.

Yes I’m keeping my cool but like you said sometimes I’m just boiling inside

Another consequence will be that you won’t be so afraid of speaking up when you disagree with someone, because you’ll be able to do it calmly, in a civil manner. Or without sarcasm (because sometimes when you’re upset, you use sarcasm, which is a form of passive aggression).

I’d really like that Yes!

Hm, I think it’s writing it down… I write it down when I am angry and upset. It’s a form of processing, because while writing, I usually get some insights about why I am angry, or sad, and how I can help myself. So journaling helps me.

Ah right it’s been a while since I did journaling, I should start this good habit. But for this setting I should just write down what I feel and how can I make it better?

You can do it either on your own, or in therapy. If you want to do it on your own, you can write it down, journal about it. Recall an incident from your childhood or youth which was really upsetting, and write down everything you feel about it. Write down why you are angry and how your father hurt you. You can also punch a punching bag or a pillow – that helps to express anger and release it from the system.

Remember, you’re not a bad person, or a bad son, for feeling angry about the way you were treated. It’s a justified anger and you have the right to feel it.

Okay that seems like a good solution.

 

Because we all have gifts and talents, we are born with them, it’s like jewels we are adorned with   We are all special and unique in our own way. That’s why we’re worthy simply be existing…

This is something I need to learn to accept.

Yes, quite possible, because if we don’t feel worthy, we typically want to achieve something big to prove our worth. Some people even do achieve great things, but they play it down, telling themselves it’s not a big deal, that they simply got lucky and don’t really deserve the praise (that’s the impostor syndrome).

You too mentioned you suffer from the impostor syndrome. And it’s possible, because you downplay your achievements and are pushing yourself to achieve more and faster. And that’s probably because deep inside, you don’t feel worthy and you seek validation.

So actually when you say your subconscious wants it – I think it’s actually your inner child who is seeking praise and validation from your parents…

Oh right you explained it very well. So I just need to make myself feel worthy again?

You are very welcome! I’ll repeat it: you are doing a lot, and have achieved a lot. It’s your feeling unworthy that is telling you differently!

Right!