Dear Tee,

I’ve visited my hometown and it was good.

Still no good news unfortunately… I am going to see another doctor and look for other treatment options, because so far I had no relief.

Ah I see, Have you already visited another doctor?  What did S/he? said? Take care of yourself.

Yeah, and it might have even led you to believe that she doesn’t appreciate you enough, because nothing you said or did managed to convince her to open up to you and change her attitude.

Yes Exactly!

We might even feel bad about ourselves for not being successful in “saving” our partner (I don’t know if this was the case with you?) Whereas in reality, their rejection doesn’t mean that we’re not good enough or not important enough, but it is the consequence of their own internal issues. And that’s something we can’t do much about if they aren’t willing to help themselves.

Yes I think it was the same with me. Because I did felt like I’m the responsible for “saving” her since I was in the relationship with her so I used to think as her best supporter and a lover it’s my responsibility. Otherwise what am I even doing for this relationship?

Oh so she started seeing a therapist after you broke up, then she stopped, but now she started again, after you told her you’re seeing one too?

Yup

Hm… hard to say. There was a study in the US, I think, where they said that around 50% of people are securely attached (which would lead to being an emotionally healthy, non-traumatized individual). In other parts of the world, with a more patriarchal society, I am assuming this would be less. I mean, this is just my assumption and I am no expert, so please take this with a grain of salt. But it could be that at least half of the people have some kind of childhood trauma.

Wow so I think 50% means still there’s good chance. Although I’m surprised since US consumes more anti-depressants than any other nation. As per statistics more teens and women.

Well, you spent 3 years being in a relationship that was very frustrating to you most of the times, but still you say it was a comfort zone. So perhaps being with someone with low self-esteem is still more comfortable than being with someone with healthy self-esteem, whom you’re afraid might judge you?

Hmm I don’t know if I feel judged, Just not sure since I’m still not spending enough time with her but yeah I do feel lot different (but not in a bad way)

And yeah she seems pretty upset because I didn’t try to contact her while I was in my hometown, and today she told me that she actually texted me “I miss you” but then deleted because she thought that I’m not missing her so she shouldn’t admit that either. But we’re meeting this weekend so let’s see what happens. and tbh I already feel scared just because she said “I miss you”

Well, I think you had higher self-esteem (at least in some aspects) than the girls you were with so far. So you were the “savior” in the relationship, right? You were trying to fix them and help them. You had less problems than them, so to speak.

Yes that’s more accurate from my part.

And it’s a pretty common dynamic. We’re often attracted to people whom we think we can “save”, people who are emotionally unavailable or troubled, but we believe we can finally turn them around. That all stems from our childhood and the dynamics with our parents…

Oh I see I didn’t know that. So it’s also related to PTSD we’ve talked about?

I guess it’s your protector part that says “If she doesn’t want me, I don’t want her either.” But your emotional part (your inner child) attaches quickly to her and wants her all for himself. So the possessive reaction seems like an inner child reflex in you. But the ego part says “no, I am cool if she doesn’t want me, I am totally fine alone”.

Oh yeah it could be like that! Like I said before about duality, What to do about that?

When we feel worthy and valuable as a person, we don’t get jealous about the qualities that other people possess. Because no one possess all the gifts and talents in the world – someone is talented in one thing, another person in something else. We are all special and unique in our own way.

So if you feel that she is e.g. more energetic than you, you can appreciate that quality of hers, rather than seeing it a threat, or as something you’re missing. Because you’re happy with your own gifts and talents, you don’t feel deprived. Does that make sense?

Yes It does makes sense. And since I’m practicing more empathy I do see more good qualities that people have around me..

And another thing: I think you too are pretty energetic and fierce, considering that you started living alone at the age of 16 and all other things you’ve achieved in your life. So I think you’re not seeing yourself clearly and are selling yourself short. Again, that’s the inner critic that gets activated and convinces you that you’re not good enough. So when you start hearing that voice telling you “look at you, you’re so weak, why aren’t you energetic and fierce as her”, you can tell the inner critic to shut up and back off.

Thanks for the reminder! I think even though I’m getting enough reminders inner critic is still isn’t fully silent.

So I think you can do two things against the inferiority complex. One is: appreciate other people’s talents and good qualities because they’re not a threat to you, because you have your own talents and gifts. And secondly, silence the inner critic who wants to make you believe you’re lacking in so many ways, when you’re not.

Thanks I’ll do that. First one isn’t seems hard but yeah second one does seem hard

No, you don’t need to try to change him, or encourage him to seek therapy. People like him (similar to my mother) are set in their ways. They don’t believe they have a problem either – it’s more like everybody around them has a problem, but not them. Someone who believes there’s nothing wrong with them and there’s nothing they should change about themselves won’t be open to therapy either. Trying to get them to go would be futile.

Yes exactly! You’re right if they don’t even admit that they have the problem so there’s not even a question to work on that.

What you can do though is stop him from talking disrespectfully to you (if he still does). Maybe you can sometimes disagree with some of his judgmental comments and remarks that he probably passes around frequently. But don’t get into an argument with him. Just express your opinion respectfully, not expecting that he would agree or change his view.

He doesn’t talk disrespectfully to me anymore. He talks more calmly to me, Explain things to me.

But if you see that that’s futile too, that he starts arguing and you get drawn into an argument, you can spend less time in his company. That’s how you can protect yourself from his critical and judgmental attitudes, even if they aren’t directed at you.

Since I’m not living with my family I already spend much less time with my father.. and even when I’m home I mostly spend time with my siblings and mother.

Dear Tee,

Does it mean you did video call after all during those 3 years? Or she shared video notes with you, but never talked to you in real time on video?

No I didn’t. She did shared lot of video notes with me. But didn’t talked on real time on video. She be like she prefers to take videos 2-3 times after she thinks those are “good enough” to share. You seeing the issue here right?

I see… she was shy and insecure, and thought people would judge her. But you tried to assure her how beautiful she is, both inside and outside, and that she has nothing to be ashamed for. That’s really sweet and supportive of you. And it’s absolutely not critical or overbearing.

But she did say she felt a sense of superiority from you and criticism, and it could be that in some areas you were indeed more critical, such as her health and diet? Also, perhaps you felt frustrated with her for not accomplishing some of the goals that she set for herself?

So you mean to say even though I wasn’t being critical but it’s how she perceived me because of her issues? That’s wasn’t even  in my control so..
But Yes because I was worried about her mental health more. That’s why I wanted her to sleep properly and have fresh and healthy food. And at times I did felt frustrated and she said sorry to me lot of times

No, I don’t think it was. The truth is that it’s hard to be with someone who has low self-esteem. No matter how much we love them, they can’t love themselves and it ruins the relationship.

Yeah I totally agree! Lot of the energy goes into reassurance

I see.. maybe some dynamic with her siblings was going on, which made her feel less than and not good enough…

So the thing is her parents didn’t waited much longer. Like first her and then directly next year her little sister. And I guess after that they found out it’s good to wait to give proper time. So after like 10 years another kid, her brother 😂
And her little sister got attention more than she wanted to. So she’s totally different from her. No matter what her parents says she doesn’t listen and super stubborn with her parents because she knows that her needs going to be fulfilled.

I don’t know either, it was just a hypothesis. But now I see that you weren’t that critical with her as I thought… so maybe you weren’t overbearing after all, but just frustrated with her consistent lack of self-esteem?

I was frustrated for sure! I think it’s one of the reasons I gave up on that relationship. Because If I’m putting time and effort, I want to see progress. work or relationship.

Alright… so the doctor seems to be the polar opposite of your first LDR – self-assured, daring and not afraid to show her attributes and stand out in the crowd   She also took the initiative with asking you out, so… yeah, she is different.

She’s different. Like different than any girl I’ve been with.

Well, in fact, we can have our discernment and still not be judgmental. If you’ve noticed something fishy (e.g. if she flirted with other men), it can be a reason for caution. But if she’s just vivacious and feels good in her own skin, that’s not the reason to judge her.

I mean she wasn’t flirting with them. But it’s kind of my problem even though It was only a first date I did felt possessive so.. It happened to me a lot of times even though I don’t like to be committed I do get possessive quickly

Good! So she seemed honest and authentic with you?

Yes. She actually complimented me that she didn’t met good listener like me in years. I guess I did improve my empathy skills 😌

You say you felt intimidated, and that it’s because she is more energetic and fierce than you. Does it make you feel inferior and you fear that she would judge you?

Hmm yes, kind of? There’s duality. Like one side thinking is like you’re good enough as you are, you don’t need to “copy” others. And other side is like Wow how good it would feel to be this much energetic & fierce.

Dear Tee,

I see.. so it felt like she wasn’t too keen to meet you and hang out with you (online). And it wasn’t because she was super busy with her exams or anything like that? Btw was this your first LDR or the second one, which only lasted for a short time?

First LDR. And I know it’s silly but I actually was just curious about how LDR relationships are and just wanted to experience I didn’t know we would be attached to each other that much and soon like a committed relationship.

And no it wasn’t about the exams because it was her first LDR and first ever relationship. So she did told me that she’s shy and insecure, I said it’s not my first relationship but I’m somewhat shy and insecure too so.. So she said we’ll work for it. Now that’s the thing I cling to because she said we’ll work for it. But I didn’t understand sometimes it’s not easy for person just change their traits even though they want it to.

In my opinion, LDR only works if you also meet in person from time to time. You said that in your 1st LDR, you’ve never even video called, right? And it lasted for 3 years… that’s pretty mind boggling! But maybe it was during covid, so that’s why?

Yeah I know but I’m not fond of LDR anymore. Specially after I went on an in-person dates. We started it like one year before covid after she proposed. But the thing was that I saw the opportunity, I thought it’s like a blank page and together we could cultivate a real good relationship, Because I got the feeling like she’s just good and we could work for this LDR thing. It was really really hard for us. And because she said she’s shy and everything… I’m like okay I’ll give her time and have patience. But my patience turned into a comfort zone for her and she didn’t work for her social anxiety. so never even a video call.

And we did plan to meet and even decided to live together but because of covid and other circumstances we couldn’t, which made things even harder.

Yeah, that would be the first step… at least mentally, know that it is possible. It’s not a lost case from the start. There is hope!

Yes I know and to be honest I’m trying to be hopeful but it’s not that easy.. and because of that I just try to focus to be better on other areas

Because of the attachment – it is in our nature to form deep bonds with people closest to us. Our first attachment “figures” are our parents, and our second major attachment figure is our romantic partner. So what we’ve learned about love and bonding in the relationship with our parents, we carry it over to our romantic relationships. It’s the same “programming”, so to speak.

Oh okay I see…

No, being aware of it is just one part of it. Another part is emotional healing. That’s when the inner child comes into the picture, because the inner child carries those old hurts…

Ah yeah, Right! need to take care of the inner child.

Yeah, seems you’re conflicted. Like, “I need you so much”, and then in the next moment “I don’t need you at all!”. It’s like love and hate relationship. In fact, our relationship with our parents when we’re children is often like that: we need them, but we also hate them because they don’t give us what we need.

So perhaps this is what happens with you in those moments: when the girl doesn’t give you what you need (e.g. her absolute dedication), you get angry and protest. It’s like the child who protests when the mother doesn’t pay attention to him 100% of the time.

I am not saying you should tolerate if the girl is neglecting you and doesn’t want to spend time with you. I am more talking about the extremes where you maybe expect her to leave everything and spend time with you, even though she is studying for her exam (just as an example – don’t know if it’s applicable?). Maybe in those extremes you don’t have much understanding for her needs, but you demand her time, or else you get very angry? I am not claiming this is true for you, just speculating… so let me know if it applies?

Well not really. You see even it was new for me, I did told her that whenever she needs space or time she can feel free to tell me. I literally told her that “Don’t talk to me for a week or even a month if you don’t want to or able to, I won’t mind” but just let me know…And yeah at times I was seeking undivided attention but it’s only because I was giving her my undivided attention. Is that wrong?

Yes, it’s very possible that you need to better regulate your emotions. If what I suggested above is true, then the main driver for your strong emotions would be the inner child’s feeling of abandonment and anger when he’s not getting 100% attention all the time.

 Hmm I’m thinking is it really about seeking attention? or something else? Because I do know well attention doesn’t indirectly mean love or affection or validation from the partner

Well, I just yesterday watched a video where they said that around 50% of all relationships among young people are online. Which is a lot! I had no idea it was so much. And I can imagine it gets competitive if one has to compete against dozens of guys online. That’s why I think it’s better to have an in-person relationship, or if you have an LDR, preferably you originally meet the person face-to-face (say on a trip or a business conference). And then you continue LDR, but with regular visits. In any case, I think that being exclusively LDR isn’t optimal because you can’t have that level of bonding being just online.

Exactly! That’s why I’m like enough and also ended my second LDR. I did felt bad because that was really my fault like even after got out from one long LDR I tried to have another one? what was I thinking? But luckily I didn’t spend much time on it so not much extra emotions.

Good that you’re still focusing on the positives! If you start finding (unjustified) faults in her, notice it and stop yourself, because maybe it’s your outer critic/saboteur in action…

Yes I will try to stop my outer critic. But I think lot of times my pride/ego comes in between. Like why I should always text first? let her decide where to go, let her plan, I won’t be doing the work alone. and like that in most of my relationships in-person and LDR I felt one sided pretty frequently.
You aware about 5 love languages, right? Mine is Act of service and Quality time equally so maybe that says something 😆

So she’d like to reconcile, but you said no, and she accepts it?

Yes, I talked to her few months after the breakup.
She was like I wanted to work on my anxiety and fear, and when I was with you it got much better I never even thought that I would actually start an online relationship, be this much vulnerable and open myself to someone, but I was always trying to please you and felt insecure that If I’d do something wrong our bond wouldn’t be strong and it’ll break and because of LDR it wasn’t getting strong either.

Another thing, When she told me about her anxiety and she wanted to go to therapy I said it’s a good idea. But to be honest all this time I felt like I was kind of worked as her therapist. But she only started to see therapist after the breakup. And later she found out the along with social anxiety she also has ROCD.

Dear Tee,

Okay, I’d like to develop this a bit more, but could you give me an example of a situation where your girlfriend didn’t give importance to something that was important to you?

Okay so this mainly happened in LDR. Like when we scheduled an online date together and at last minute, she changes her plans and she be like is that okay if we do it later or some other time? Or like when we decided to watch something together and she be like let’s talk instead of movie.
And even though in the start I clearly told her that I like when people keep their word, so if I have to repeat myself, It’d make me angry
And for her it wasn’t much big deal, She’s like so what it’s just a date or a movie I’m like it’s not about that, It’s about Keeping your words! I don’t like it when you change it like it’s nothing. Because when I tell you something I think three times will I be able to do this on time? Only then I’d say yes. I don’t just say Yes to everything and later just change it. Because if I expect you to keep your words. I’m keeping my words. Simple as that.
And even though she was well aware about this, She was like you’re strict and righteous, yet still she repeatedly did those things. So I was like that’s enough, I won’t repeat myself again.

Hmm.. actually no, you don’t have to be a hopeless romantic, but a hopeful romantic   I mean, hope needs to awaken in you that a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship is possible. Right now, this hope doesn’t exist… in its place, there is skepticism and fear, as it seems to me.

That’s absolutely right! but yeah Hopeful romantic does sounds lot better. Should we start to write movie script on this? 😂🤣

Okay, so this probably means you don’t trust people, you can’t view them with appreciation, because you’ve been disappointed in them… starting from your parents and grandparents (specially your father and grandfather), to just about every adult you grew up around. Almost nobody appreciated who you really are, but criticized you and expected you to be something you’re not. Would you say that’s true?

Yes that’s true.

If so, I can see a connection between people not appreciating you when you were a child and young adult, and you now not appreciating them. And believing that they would judge and hurt you… And it seems you believe that about your romantic interests as well.

I mean I do currently have lot of people that I admire but like none of them are family members or relatives. And when most of the people who are close to you and when they don’t appreciate maybe that’s why.

Yeah, talking to the person, gradually getting to know them, is the most natural way. But perhaps you believe that you need to show that you’re brave enough, or cool enough, and so making a “film-like” move on someone is what you think will knock them off their feet? I don’t know, just speculating here… let me know how you see it?

Hmm I mean not like “film-like” and I’m literally not even enjoying romance movies anymore. It’s a comedy film for me so😂
But like you said instead of knowing them gradually, Mostly I get anxious and have this rush to know everything about them, if we vibe or not, I start to notice little things and overthink about it, And even when there’s much less time we’ve spend together, I already start doubting on them
And if we do vibe, again I rush even more and expect them have same intensity as me just so I don’t feel like they’re not putting any effort into this.

How is it going with the doctor girl btw? Actually, she made a rather film-like move on you too, proposing to you after only seeing you several times in her office!

Haha yeah she’s lot more action packed in person (As a doctor should be) But because of her work we can’t meet that much and in texting she’s just like.. Haha, Yeah, good.. I feel like I’m pushing her to type things 😂So I’m texting her less now. And I’m like the opposite, in texting I’m much more talkative than in person, I mean even if it’s a new person. But yeah from my previous date we did talked a lot in person and spent a whole day together so who knows.

Cool! So no hard feelings on their part, it seems.

Umm no hard feelings? Well there was lot of hurt and feelings and etc. But we didn’t talked for quite a while, gave each time to recover and then just talk as a friend or like “Normal people”
Before when my 1^st LDR girlfriend tried to reach out to me after breakup. I told her that I can’t step down from romantic relationship to just “friends” It’s really hard for me and I don’t want to work for it. And she told me that it’s not about that but I don’t want to lose a person who impacted my life the most and most valuable to me. So just be in contact time to would make me feel much better. And after some thinking I said Yes to her. Because she also did make me more patient person.

Oh okay. So back then you felt you’re not capable of certain things, so you were blocking yourself. And now you don’t have that mental barrier any more, and you take on challenges more easily?

Yes. And I’m still working on it. But like few months ago, I was talking to one of my friend on LinkedIn, He’s quite old actually. He told me something that still makes me thinks…
He said that don’t just run towards challenges but build your mindset that way that, Whatever comes to you, it’s not even a challenge for you. Just like training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next challenging. Otherwise just that overthinking takes up energy in the present moment and impacts your performance. So Since then I’m learning ways for how to manage or preserve that energy in efficient way.

Dear Tee,

Haha, I’ve been talking to you longer and much more frequently than your therapist, that’s why

Haha True 😊
But that’s the cons for a good therapist, right? If they’re like really good at what they do, They don’t have enough time for all of their clients. But yeah this world needs more people like you 😀

That’s good! It’s nice that you could freely share that part of yourself, and that they weren’t judgmental at all.

Yes but that after like I have enough trust in them.

Yeah, that part you’d need to change…

That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right?

Right… well, your heart is probably very guarded. And you probably don’t allow yourself to feel much because you’re afraid of where it may lead you. So far relationships were always a disappointment and a cause of frustration, so you’re very very careful.

Hmm that’s right I’m feeling like I’m not able feel the way that I felt in my first or second relationship. So feeling of Love is just meh for me. And I think that feeling of love (Not just romantic) is really important. It gives that warmth and give you the perspective to look everything around you with love and kindness. I know my heart is full of love, for sure! But what the point if it’s this much guarded and closed.

And also, you said that so far it was always that the girl approached you. You never made the first move… But did you ever like a girl but were afraid to approach her?

Oh well yeah fear of rejection and anxiety just hits me hard sometimes. Specially if I have to do things face to face. And like after starting this thread I did tried to approach a girl once (I was talking to Anita that time) and I still remember it vividly. We were on the bus sitting next to each other and It took like me 2 hours to approach but I was crazy I didn’t talked, I was all sweaty and anxious, I typed it my phone notes app and showed it her. And She said I’m engaged. After that in my head I was like “oh well I proved my point I did asked her. Now look at the window and just listen to Spotify. Don’t you dare turn your face towards her” 🤣🤣🤣

I haven’t tried after that, Most of the time I’m attracted to girl who’s like “Out of my league” So I’m like why risk? this also could be self-esteem issue because I compare even though I know that all humans just have different preferences. And funny enough most of the girls who did approach was actually “Out of my league” But yeah once I’m comfortable and vibe with someone it’s lot easier for me. I need to find smart & creative solutions about this 😂

Hmm more or less yes I think.. But I’ll still think about it more and let you know

Okay so I’ve asked this to one of the girl I was in LDR with and she told me I did kind of acted critical and superior but never judgmental. I asked one of my close friend too and she said the same thing. So yeah after gathering the data I can say Yes.

Really good to hear this. You’re right – there is no growth and fulfillment in life without facing our fears, so yes, you’re on the right track.

Yes but taking those first steps with the different fears that’s important thing. To at least start you know at least that’s what I think.. Like for leadership roles I used to think why would I take this much responsibility? That’s just crazy. Just work on what you have and relax. So even though I had the skills I was just running away and not striving towards my true potential. Like no I’m not able to do it. That’s just not me. But now I know what growth mindset could do.

Dear Tee***

Dear Tee,

Good that you’ve realized it at a relatively young age! But the imprint stayed, and so their perfectionism became your own perfectionist inner critic. Which is telling you that you’re not good enough, not accomplishing enough at work, not earning enough money etc etc. It’s sad that both your father and grandfather were perfectionists, so you received a double dose of criticism.

Yes the IMPRINT! That’s the thing I’m working on

Not only that, but it seems there was no male role model who could have served as a positive father figure (“My neighbors are like that, older relatives etc because they grew up in competitive environment“). So you were surrounded by bad role models…

Yes exactly! And as we talked recently now I realized how good it is to be surrounded by good and supportive role models

Right… so for your grandfather, it seems you were a tool to boost his vanity and pride. He boasted to others with your accomplishments, while at the same time he wasn’t really proud of you, but kept criticizing you. I can see how damaging it was for you, and how toxic. I understand why you wanted to get away ASAP…

Yes and at that time I was like I’ll make him proud of me. But later I realized that his pride and ego are much toxic

It’s good you weren’t criticized by your mother and grandmother. However, I get the feeling that they didn’t protect you from your father’s and grandfather’s criticism either. Your mother told you to take your father’s criticism silently and “maturely”, so basically she never challenged your father to change his approach. My father never protected me from my mother’s criticism either. That’s why the damage done by my mother was much bigger than it should have been. Because my father allowed the abuse and didn’t say anything. I think something similar happened to you too?

Yes I can say that’s really similar what happened to me. But what do you think what stopped your father and my mother from protecting us?

Yeah, and I think there is even a difference between self-esteem and self-confidence. Self-esteem is a basic sense of self-worth (which doesn’t depend on any skill that you possess), whereas self-confidence is related to various skills we have. Say a professional athlete may have a lot of self-confidence that they are good at sports, but once they get injured, they may feel worthless because their self-esteem was based on their skills and not on a deep inner sense that they are worthy as a person.

Perhaps you too feel self-confident is some things, but what is missing is a deeper sense of self-worth, of being worthy simply because you exist?

I totally agree with you! I do feel like I’m missing deeper sense of self-worth. And recently quite a lot

Right.. and it seems to me that you’re very cautious with relationships not only because of your father’s (and grandfather’s) criticism, but also because you weren’t protected enough by your mother. So relationship might seem like a very scary thing, where no one is on your side?

Right! and that’s the reason why I also still have fear of commitment. It feels so scary.

Okay, you’re afraid to be judged by your partner. So to protect yourself, you rather judge her and make her seem deficient, so to feel less vulnerable? Like, you first judge her before she can judge you?

Hmm may not like who’s first but like because I tried to kind of make the relationship and the person “Perfect” like we talked about empathy before. I used to directly run for the fix instead of empathizing first.

Okay, so you don’t want a relationship to be a competition and a power struggle. You hate it.

EXACTLY!

And that’s why you’d rather not go into it. But the problem is that a part of you believes that relationship is a power struggle. Or at least that being in a relationship means being judged, criticized and hurt. That you can’t show your weaknesses, or even your spontaneity (like dancing while cooking lunch) without being criticized. Right?

Yes being vulnerable and showing weakness as well as opening up as I should be that’s something I need to work on.. and I believe I’m little better than before in that regard.

For spontaneity I don’t feel criticized. Because in my previous relationships I received lot of good compliments about it and I myself believe that without spontaneity relationships are much less fun.. Because I’m someone who gets bored pretty quickly

And if you approach relationships from that vantage point (which is a vantage point of fear), then I think it’s better not to date. Because you’ll likely get more of the same. But if you work on slowly dissolving that fear, on realizing why it’s there and then dissolving it… that’s when you open yourself to a different kind of dynamic in a relationship. To a possibility of a healthy relationship.

I want to get out from this fearsome repetitive cycle. So, I will date and experiment till I have the success.

That would be my answer to your question whether you’re ready to date (You think I’m ready? Or I still need lot of healing even to start dating someone?). I think you’re ready to date if you can let go of some of that fear of judgment in the relationship. We can talk more about it, if you’d like to…

Yes we can talk more about it since I’m still confused even so that I’m being mindful about myself. It’s still makes me overthink

I have a funny example about fear of judgement. So the date I told you about (Before the doctor) I was in hurry, I took a shower I get ready and forget to put the deodorant and just went out. And when she started being touchy and huggy with me I realized heck I forget the deo and instead of being in the moment and even though I knew that she’s not thinking about that I smell, But in my head I was like don’t let come near too much now because of your mistake now she’d take you as someone who doesn’t even groom himself properly. And I was actually trying to be less touchy with her just because of this overthinking and fear 😂

Dear Tee,

In fact, I am thinking now that their biggest mistake as parents wasn’t excessive worry (because you sort of gave them the reasons to be worried   ), but rather, it could be the criticism and judgment that you grew up with. Feeling constantly criticized (e.g. your father was very harsh with you when you didn’t hand him the proper tool right away), always compared to others, perhaps always feeling that something is wrong with you and that you’re not good enough? Like, being seen not with loving, accepting eyes, but with strict, judgmental eyes, who always evaluate you and seek a reason to criticize you?

I totally agree like you mentioned (and even others told me) I was resourceful and pretty much self- reliant. But the thing is that for my parents and grandparents they never saw that as my good accomplishments. They were always like look what he did at this age? Look what he accomplished?  Mainly my grandfather and father (Both are very “perfectionist” nature) So instead of praising they were criticizing me and that made me realize that no matter what I’ll do I wouldn’t be good enough for them. (I realized that years ago) And after that not spending that much time with them, I think they already see me as someone not “inclusive” in the family. Because they be like whatever they think is the only truth and I didn’t like that. My siblings felt the same way as well. But I believe it’s not their fault. My neighbors are like that, older relatives.etc because they grew up in competitive environment. and time when over-achievers were praised and also by that I mean who’s earning more. and Fast! another reason for my impatient behavior sometimes

This seems to me the greatest wounding that you’ve experienced. I’ve experienced the same from my mother. She took my good results at school for granted, never praised me for that, and at the same time she looked for every opportunity to scold me. There was always something wrong with me, in her eyes… and so I grew up with the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. My self-esteem was zero.

Yes, I can totally relate! I know that feeling, but it must have been hard for you. In my case it was my grandfather. And even though I had good grades, It wasn’t enough! I felt literally pressurized to be in the Top 3 students! and yet I still made it as a Top 1st student till the end of high school. Just to feed their ego. So he can talk others like “look my grandson has always been the 1st”. But Because my mother and grandmother never criticized me for that and just loved me without any expectations from me. so It was kind of sane place for me. Otherwise, I swear I’d have to run in the jungle much earlier and never return. And sometimes I think how self-confident, fearless and full of hope kid I used to be. Because of the criticized father and my inner criticism over the years my self-confident and self-esteem is still quite low, and it did affect my career and relationships quite a bit. So I still have to work on my self-esteem and self-confidence.

The above is the excerpt from Pete Walker’s book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”. It could be that you felt very unsafe and criticized when you showed vulnerability or weakness in front of your parents. This might have given you the message that being anything less than “perfect” means being judged and rejected. It also might have led you to believe that the person you are in the relationship with is there to judge you and criticize you.

To the degree that our caretakers attack or abandon us for showing vulnerability, to that degree we later avoid the authentic self-expression that is fundamental to intimacy. The outer critic forms to remind us that everyone else is surely as dangerous as our original caretakers. Subliminal memories of being scorned for seeing our parents’ support then short-circuit our inclination to share our troubles and ask for help.”

Would you say this is true for you? I have more to say and I’d also like to answer your questions, but let me know if the above resonates with you?

Yes I believe I can resonate.  Because those lines hits me. As you know in my previous relationships, I wasn’t being my true self and shielded my heart.

You might even subconsciously believe that this is what relationships are all about: competition, who is better, who is more successful, who is more “perfect”. If so, you naturally want to either win in that competition (be the “more perfect” one, and judge the other person for her supposed deficiencies), or you want to leave the competition altogether (not be in a relationship at all).

Okay so I’m not sure if my subconscious mind believes in that but I’m sure that my conscious mind doesn’t believe competition in the relationships. It was mostly fear of judgments, criticism and inability to express my emotions properly.

or you want to leave the competition altogether (not be in a relationship at all).

This part could be true though. Conscious and subconscious both levels