Dear Tee,

it seems your first LDR girlfriend was severely anxious, since you said social anxiety was the reason she didn’t want to video call with you during your 3-year long relationship. Which means she was embarrassed of herself even in front of you.

Yes, She was really camera shy even to take and share pics. But I had to encourage and reassure her a lot how cute and gorgeous she is (Which she is really!)
After that she were comfortable sharing pics, videos and voice notes.

The above tells me that the dynamic in your relationship was that she needed to be “fixed”, and you were the one who was trying to help her and fix her. She felt ashamed of herself and not good enough, and you were tying to help her “work on it”. But probably the dynamic soon turned into you feeling as the superior one, “patiently waiting” for her to change, while she feeling not good enough and failing you most of the time. And being afraid of losing you.

The thing is that we can’t change other people. And you tried to change her, actually she too wanted to change, because she didn’t like her social anxiety and her excessive shame. But instead of going to therapy and working on it, she fell into this dynamic with you where a part of the time she was trying to please you and make you appreciate her. And half of the time she was probably resenting you for not accepting her as she is, for trying to change her and improve her. She needed unconditional acceptance (which she could have received in therapy), but instead she expected it from you, which was a mistake.

You probably stayed for so long in this relationship because you tend to slip into the controlling/overbearing father figure easily. So you couldn’t just leave because she was probably a challenge for you, and a part of you felt good being the superior one. Another part hated it, because she was often resisting your guidance, as it seems. She would sabotage your dates, cancel things at the last moment… almost like a teenage girl rebelling against her father.

So it seems to me like an unhealthy father-daughter dynamic. What do you think?

Well she does mentioned that she doesn’t feel good enough and she always think about what other people would think of her what if they judge her? Even with her therapist she wasn’t opening up properly. She thought that she’d judge her. And I guess to this day she’s still not opening up to her fully as she did with me. I tried to make her understood that it’s okay to opening up. Therapists don’t judge and everything you say is 100% private, but she’s not fully convinced. So she’s focusing more journaling and yoga and meditation.

I mean even though I was trying to “fix” her. I was trying not let her feel like she’s less than anything. Time to time I wrote her letters about her inner and outer beauty to reassure and gain her self-esteem. But yeah maybe it could be true and there was some unhealthy dynamic going on.

I think I understand your dynamic better now. As I said, I think there was this duality in her: on one hand she wanted to please you and do what you say, but on the other hand she was rebelling against you because you reminded her of her strict parents (probably). And so she was sabotaging your dates, she had a certain resistance against you.

Right but from what she told me her parents weren’t that strict, But she is the eldest sibling in the family so she didn’t got the attention that she needed. and I’m the middle sibling in my family so I think I can still understand.

So to answer your question: no, it’s not too much to ask for your partner’s attention. But this particular girl couldn’t give it to you because, if my assumption is right, she was rebelling against you as much as she loved you. It was the love-hate relationship on her part, I think.

Okay so it wasn’t entirely my fault.

Yeah, it shouldn’t be one-sided. The girl should show interest and initiative too. Unless you’re overbearing and don’t let them breathe. But if you’re not too intense, she should show initiative. If she doesn’t (and you’re not overbearing), it means something’s wrong, there is some resistance in her. Like there was in your first LDR.

Hmm I see, Understood. Although I’m questioning myself if I had overbearing tendencies

Also I went on a date with a doctor. And I don’t know what to say. She is actually more energetic and fiercer than me. And it was definitely making me feel intimidating. And her outfit was like idk too much??? Other guys were staring at her and it made me angry and uncomfortable same time. But I tried to not focus on that and controlled myself and not judge. Other than that I did had fun. She was opening up to me like we are old friends. Which I liked.

Dear Tee,

In other words, if she was passive-aggressive about it (she would promise something but then always flake on it), that’s not good. But if she would change her mind occasionally, specially it wasn’t such an important thing (like how you’ll spend your date), I don’t see it as a big problem.

She did it often. And yeah if her intention matters, Mine does too. And at some point I knew I’m being overly strict about this and creating fights but I also knew like I’m not doing anything wrong just protecting something that I value more. Straight forward behavior.

Sure, keeping one’s word is important. But you also have to take into account whether it’s an important thing, like being there for you in time of need, or it’s a minor thing, like choosing which movie to watch. That’s a big difference.

Okay so in LDR, She was studying her masters and me working full time. So there was very much less time we were spending together and I felt like she wasn’t even respecting even that much little time. Just taking it for granted. Then why should I always be the first one to push things further?

having hope is key… so restoring hope and a positive attitude about relationships is probably what you’ll need as a part of your healing process.

You’re right. I’m having hope in lot of areas in my life except love part. I guess it times to restore hope for a loving & healthy relationships

Yes, if you got disappointed in your closest relationships, with people who were supposed to love you and support you, it’s hard. The fear and resistance remains in you, and you treat other close relationships (such as romantic relationships) the same.

Why am I connecting my romantic relationships to closest relationships even though I’m aware it’s not the same. It was in the past but this is the present. Wounds are there I know, But being aware about it isn’t that enough?

Yeah, this need to know everything about them at once is probably because you want to “be sure” what you’re getting into. And that’s because you want to minimize the potential harm. So I think you actually do it for your own protection – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.
That’s why you also start over-analyzing them and finding their potential “weaknesses” – all because you’re afraid of getting hurt. The latter (the over-analyzing and finding weaknesses in the other person) is a part of the outer critic – which over time sabotages the relationship.

Hmm I guess that’s relatable

If you do vibe, then you probably want to make sure that they are the right match, so you amp up the efforts, you’re like all in. And perhaps you’re testing them if they show the same amount of intensity as you. And if they don’t (because they have other things going on in their life and can’t dedicate 100% of their time to you), then you’re like “no, that’s not the real thing. She’s not committed like I am”. Is that what happens?’

Yes I think that’s what happens! I do know that relationships don’t work that way. But still I do crave the same intensity if I’m putting it out there and making myself vulnerable.
and the thing is like I feel duality a lot. For a moment I’m like yeah I need her I want to spend time with her, Why I can’t get the same energy back? And seek attention maybe and another moment when I get even a little doubt I’m like I don’t need anyone or her. Why do I even need her? So it’s like either extremely high or extremely low.. No balance in between with myself.
So maybe I just don’t know how to balance my emotions in healthier way

And after my breakup
And after talking some of my female friends I found out that It was wrong of me to being the pushy one.
And they said like for a woman, specially in their 20s, There are lot choices available. It’s not like only you’re being good to her. So believe it or not it gets competitive even if they don’t want it to be and they can’t decide rationally or directly the way you want them to be, and it makes them quite undecisive about things.
What do you think about that?

Good! So you like her and you’re actually keen to communicate with her. Are you starting to notice her “weaknesses” already?

Well I don’t think I’m finding her weaknesses already. But I think subconsciously my mind is mostly thinks how this shouldn’t work out even though things are going well. Fear of the past you know… So far I like her cheerful behaviour.

Actually, it’s okay if you don’t remain friends with your exes. You don’t need to force yourself to do it. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to her as friends, you can tell her that. But if you’re cool about it and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, then fine.

Well yeah for me I know it’s okay. She does talks about past sometimes and regret but she knows well it won’t melt me. So she kinda accepted that.

Yes, if you define “challenge” as something insurmountable, and it paralyzes you, then yeah, it’s better not to see it as a challenge. But if you define challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow, and something that basically won’t harm you – then you don’t need to fear the word “challenge”. But anyway, as he said: “training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next” – that’s a good piece of advice.

Yes exactly and as someone who have like inferiority complex and anxiety it’s really easy for me to get intimated with new things or challenges. (Except new places and traveling 😄)
So that’s why I’m working on that

Dear Tee,

Unfortunately yes, the better they are, the less available they are. I think a good pace for therapy is once a week or maybe once in 2 weeks. If you’re seeing your therapist only once a month, it might not be enough.

Yeah definitely! And She gives lot of hard homework to do. Gives her more time.

Oh thank you for your kind words!

Well, you deserve it!

I think you said the reason you started resenting them (or one of the reasons) was that they didn’t pay enough importance to what was important to you. But instead of telling them it bothers you, you were just sulking silently and didn’t want to talk to them. You blamed them for “making you feel that way” and expected them to fix the problem, without ever telling them what’s bothering you. So, this is what I said that you should change.

So when you ask: That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right? — it’s more like you don’t say what’s bothering you (you hide your real feelings), and instead, you expect them to guess what’s bothering you and make amends. Is that how it usually happens?

Yes that what happens!

This sounds like rationalization: it could be that you’re afraid of feeling “in love” again (like you did in your first 2 relationships), because it was very frustrating and energy draining for you. And so you’re guarding yourself from that feeling, because you don’t want to feel all the “side-effects” of feeling in love again. When you think of being in love, you immediately think of the “side effects”, and it’s just cools you down immediately and makes you feel “meh”. Maybe this is what’s happening?

Yes I think so. I believe I may have to be hopeless romantic again 😂

But it could be that you’re in awe with animals, plants and nature in general, but much less with people?

This is so accurate!

Because you’re afraid of people, you believe they’ll hurt you… specially people very close to you, such as your romantic partner. So maybe you don’t see the other person with the same awe and appreciation like you see the night sky, for example?

Yup definitely!

Yeah, it’s usually not a good idea to make a move on someone on the bus   Because you haven’t even talked to her, and then out of the blue, you showed her the text saying you liked her… which is a bit too much… Next time, try a more gradual approach (even if it’s on a bus) try talking to the girl, engage her in a conversation, and see if she’s responsive or she feels uncomfortable…

Thanks for the good tip. Maybe next time when I find someone I want to go on a date with, I’ll ask you what kind of move should I make. I find those things to be very complex. Like you said just normally talking is better, But I was just making lot of different scenarios how it should work😆

Alright, so you agree that your outer critic could be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. Okay, so keep that in mind next time when you start having critical thoughts about the girl you’re dating, and start feeling that she should change…

Yes I’ll practice more mindfulness on this one as well

Btw it’s interesting that you could talk about this to your ex. Does it mean you ended the relationship on good terms?

I ended my every romantic relationship in the past on good terms. So yeah, we still talk sometimes. Not to all of my exs. But this recent one and the one before this one.

Hmm.. I got the impression that you were pushing yourself to do more and faster all the time. That you weren’t telling yourself to just relax, but quite the opposite?

I mean few years back when I just started working.

Dear Tee,

Yes, you have. I’ve mentioned the inner child healing again, because it seems to me like we might be getting closer to understand the key wound of your inner child, which is lack of self-esteem and the fear of being judged. If deep down you still believe you’re not good enough, or not worthy enough, then this might be why you don’t want to be “seen”.

I believe we’re getting closer too. Heck you’re even more efficient and resourceful than my current therapist 😂

Very much so! In the Bible, it’s called the sin of omission – the failure to do something which was right and necessary. For me as a child, my father’s silence was very damaging, because I had no one to defend me. So in my mind, it meant that my mother’s judgments of me were true and that indeed, there is something terribly wrong with me.

Oh no wonder it contributed to lack of your self-esteem like my childhood

All of the above. Also, share your hopes and dreams without fear of being ridiculed, for example. Let them know if something hurts you (rather than giving them silent treatment). Let them know if you’re worried about something, discuss your feelings, rather than stuffing them and pretending that everything is okay. Let them know what you need from them, rather than expecting they should read your mind.

I think in my previous relationships I did that lot less or rarely. I did share my hopes and dreams without fear of being ridiculed. Because I’m kind of confident about talking about something that I’m passionate about. And I never felt that they are judging my hopes or dreams just because it’s not same as some other people. But like silent treatment was like my main trait. And instead of discussing I just expected them to solve it because I be like it’s their fault, they made me feel this way. So now it’s their responsibility.

Well, you’ve got a strong inner critic, which so far you were mostly aware related to your career (e.g. you were scolding yourself for not doing enough work, or for lagging behind in your career goals, etc). So, the inner critic was quite obvious in your career, and you’ve been doing some important things recently to lessen his impact: you’ve learned how to have more self-compassion and stop pushing yourself to do more and faster all the time (i.e. you’ve lessened the impact of the “drill sergeant”). You’ve lessened the impossible expectations on yourself, work-wise.

Thanks for the positive progress reminders. I think for self-compassion it’s only starting but thanks to mindfulness I’m able to see some progress. Also thanks to you obviously 😀

In your relationships, I’d say that so far the outer critic was more pronounced (more than the inner critic), because you’ve been mostly critical about the girls you were with and finding faults in them. But it could be that this outer critic is just a defense mechanism, which allowed you to not go deeper with a girl, to not show yourself really. A defense mechanism against true intimacy. Because if you judge someone and feel superior to them, you don’t really want to be vulnerable with them. As you noticed it yourself, it kills the chance for intimacy:

Oh that’s right! That’s what I was thinking all along.

But that makes me think like… Is that why my heart feels in like neutral gear now? I don’t know how to explain because for so long I haven’t actually shared my heart and have a real intimacy. So even though now that doctor girl is good, I still don’t feel like anything much for her. Maybe just a little attraction but nothing more.

 

Yes, if there is this superior-inferior dynamic going on, the distance increases and intimacy becomes impossible. That’s why I am thinking that your outer critic (which is this superior, judgmental, critical persona that you tend to put on in romantic relationships) could be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. This “persona” serves to protect your inner child from being seen and being hurt. This could be the shield around your heart that we were talking about…. What do you say? Do you think it’s possible?

Hmm more or less yes I think.. But I’ll still think about it more and let you know

Yes, it’s a good way to look at it – not to feel like a victim, but rather, see our childhood as something that shaped us but also something that we can grow from and transcend. I don’t know if you’ve heard about it, but there is a Japanese art of kintsugi – repairing broken pottery with gold. The idea is that our “cracks”, i.e. our wounds and painful experiences can make us beautiful, if we manage to heal them and integrate them into our life.

Right! and that’s really interesting and awesome concept to know about. Love it!

Actually yes, we can learn and grow from challenges…

Absolutely! I mean that’s why we’re all here for

Well, inner peace is important, but I think if we want to achieve it by hiding from the world, hiding from challenges, then it’s not the real thing…

Yes I agree. And I think before starting all this I just used to run away from the uncomfortable situations and emotions. But without facing we can’t actually understand the root and heal it. But as I started to face things head on my resilience got better and better and I did overcome some of my past fears. Still have to work on some fears but yeah

Dear SereneWolf,

Yes, and the imprint is carried by the inner child… that’s why it needs inner child healing.

I told you about my CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) Right?

Well, my father had his own emotional wounding related to his mother. I think he was trying to get love and validation from his emotionally distant mother. He repeated that in the relationship with his wife, i.e. my mother. So he always tried to “please” and “appease” my mother, and he never wanted conflict with her. It was important for him that my mother isn’t angry with him. That was his priority, not my well-being or even his own well-being. And so he stayed silent and endured what he shouldn’t have endured.

Ohh I see. So just enduring silently could be pretty damaging as well.

With your mother, there could have been also cultural factors at play, maybe that women shouldn’t object to their husbands? So perhaps that contributed to your mother staying silent?

Yes totally agree! Old beliefs!

I see… yes, if you’re missing a deeper sense of self-worth, it’s very likely related to that incessant criticism that you’ve heard from your father and grandfather….

Even now? Even though I don’t focus much on what they say. Even if it’s the past wound. I’ll have to build strong sense of self-worth again. I’m done feeling worse about myself! And also because it’s something stopping me from being compassionate with myself.

Right… because the closest relationships for you were a source of stress and humiliation, not a source of encouragement and support. And also broader relationships weren’t too supportive either, because as you’ve said, it was all about rivalry and who is more accomplished, who makes more money etc. No wonder you didn’t want to show any vulnerability, or your true self.

Exactly!

But do you know what Henry Cloud’s definition of intimacy is? Intimacy = into me see.

We need to allow the other person to see us, to see into us, otherwise there can be no intimacy and no real relationship.

What a great way to explain! I agree with that. But like what does it mean to let them see into us? Does it mean let them know what we’re thinking without judging, without fear of criticizing, and also being vulnerable or something more?

It could be that your inner child is still afraid to be seen, because he believes he’s not good enough, not worthy enough? But if you can truly believe that you’re good enough and have so many good qualities, and that you don’t need to be perfect (unlike your parents and grandparents told you!)… then you might allow another person to “see into you”. As we’ve talked about before, you don’t need to spill out all your deepest secrets on the first date, just maybe share one vulnerable thing and see how she reacts…

Yes maybe this inner feeling not being worthy is damaging me for so long that I lost track of my own self.
Right! One step at a time

I said it because you mentioned earlier that you fear they might judge you for your spontaneity:

I mean with my parents I still do, but not with my romantic interests.

Good! I guess you can now be more mindful while dating and observe yourself, and notice if the fear arises… which is already a big step!

Thanks for giving me hope though. I was about to give up if I didn’t find out its not only about dating but it’s much more deeper thing to resolve.

Today I listened to this podcast and it had an interesting concept about childhood trauma. Like today pretty much every one have some issues related to childhood that they need to address and work on. But instead feeling like a victim. Being mindful in the present and accept that and he quotes from the Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna said: “Whatever happened, happened for the good; Whatever is happening, is happening for the good; Whatever will happen, will also happen for the good only.”

Just think about it like if everything went perfectly would you have this drive to improve yourself and work on yourself every day? Probably not. So it’s like bitter and sweet things mixed cocktail which is fun thing about life and that’s what makes it interesting and worth living not just like a raw water.
Makes me think that striving for this inner peace is nothing less than a great war against ourselves.

I looked it up for what CTPSD means.

And not all, But many things are related. I’m actually surprised!

• difficulty controlling your emotions – Yes
• feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world – No
• constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness – Frequent (Nowadays)
• feeling as if you are permanently damaged or worthless – Mostly
• feeling as if you are completely different to other people – Yes more or less
• feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you – Yes
• avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult – Yes
• often experiencing dissociative symptoms such as depersonalisation or derealisation – Yes
• physical symptoms, such as headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches – Less Frequent
• regular suicidal feelings. – No

Dear Tee,

Is that Romanian? Had to look it up but am still not sure…

Haha Yes

Oh I see, it was recent. What would they argue with you? That you shouldn’t take swimming classes because it’s dangerous?

My mom was scared because in past my little brother had an accident at the river but luckily saved. I was with him that time and I didn’t knew swimming either. So it’s like swimming and river are past fear for her..

Yeah, it does seem they are a little overprotective. I wonder how they’ve survived you leaving home at the age of 16 and living alone, if they are so worried about you even to this day? How did they even allow it?

Omg yeah It wasn’t easy! and they tried lot of things to make me stay. But I was really stubborn about it and figured every answer to their worries. And still, they’d call me every day for more than two months.

Yeah, and there might be a similarity with how your parents acted with you (and are still acting with you). Overprotective, trying to control you (although not succeeding), and doing it “for your own good”…

Oh you know what this could be right! 😂

Yes, it does seem like that… that you tend to behave in romantic relationships a little bit like your parents behave with you…

Yeah, need to break this pattern.

Yeah, it’s pretty destructive for the relationship if you see the person as “lacking” and try to make them “perfect”. The person feels not good enough, whereas you put yourself in a superior position, and basically judge and criticize them for “underperforming”. Of course, you can say it’s all with a good intention, “for their own good”, but it’s not a healthy, equal relationship.

Yes, and it makes them feel inferior which makes things even worse. Because they don’t feel much comfortable after that. Eg. “Share their true self” And as the comfort decreases, means the distance is just increasing. Right?

In a healthy relationship, we accept the person as they are – we don’t try to change them and mold them into something that we would like them to be. It doesn’t mean we need to tolerate and accept some of their bad habits, however fundamentally we don’t try to change the person to be something they are not. It’s like we look at them with love and acceptance, not with a measuring stick that says “not good enough”.

Yes I totally agree with you! But my critical self just tried to look what they can do better? Just like I did with myself.

Yeah, no wonder, because it’s like you’re in a war with the person, trying to make her do what you think is right for her, and she wouldn’t… And maybe you think she doesn’t love you if she resists, if she has different priorities and preferences than you? And so you conclude it’s not worth the trouble because things can’t be the way you want them to be?

Yeah so thing is that I did felt like they don’t care about me anymore because they don’t prioritize the same things. And after that I’m like well I’m doing this many things for them, I’m prioritizing them but If they don’t care why should I? I could be 10x colder than them (Crazy I know) and I did end my relationships in I’d say extreme anger. I felt it but I didn’t express that anger. I just wrote the letters that this isn’t working out and I don’t want it like this anymore. After that like we talked about “Emotional dependency”, And I feel like I don’t need anyone to depend on.

Yes, it seems some of your friends tell you you need to “play the game”, which makes it look like some kind of competition, like who is going to outsmart whom… Whereas a healthy relationship is not a competition, but a loving and supportive co-existence (or something like that, I can’t think of a better definition now).

Exactly! But I think it should be from both ways, right? It can’t work if I’m the only one being vulnerable and try to communicate clearly as possible. Or it could be same effect if I do that, But I think it depends.. I’m working on my heart shield, It doesn’t mean others wanna put out theirs

I imagine you haven’t had a healthy relationship so far, because of those emotional wounds and programming that stem from your childhood. So no wonder you fear more of the same… But what you’ve experienced so far isn’t what a true relationship looks like. Trust that you too can have a healthy relationship, but you’d need to heal some of your patterns before that’s possible.

I agree with you. You think I’m ready? Or I still need lot of healing even to start dating someone? I think now my goal should is being comfortable in dating first, So I don’t feel intimated quickly. You know what I mean? Also like just feel more confident around women and see all as equals.

Well, not particularly, I did get flowers from my husband. But we’ve never really paid attention to that date, so I don’t consider it important. But we do have a very good and strong relationship, and that’s what matters most

You’re right! I’m really happy for you 🤗

And I wanted to ask… We’re talking about already healthy and established relationship…
But what can I do for just start the dating? Because tbh I still feel very new to all these…
I mean like the learning the starting? Idk how to explain… Since relationships I had without distance was lot of years ago and I already knew those women well, and they proposed, but I think that time I was really naïve and I didn’t know what I was doing in the relationship.

It’s been few days I started to feel hopeless and inferior at work, Just mood swings like that. And I’m feeling this pressure to get back doing productive things, and for a short while I am productive, but I searched, and I found that mood swings like those could be sign of bipolar disorder but I’m not sure. It’s like for a time being I’m feeling really good and after few minutes I’m like what am I doing? And then feel hopeless. Or this kind of things happen to an optimistic person?

Hi Tee,

You feeling better?

How old is he?

He’s like 7.5 Years old if I remember correctly.

I understand you, seeing yourself in him… be polite though and very diplomatic when speaking to his mother. Parents don’t like to be given advice, unless they ask for it…

Yes I know but his mother is good natured and nice with me. So I’ll try to present this matter clear and calmly as possible. Because another thing I noticed is that I think she’s the main decision maker, her husband is naïve and he’s mostly saying yes to her. It’s actually funny to see them talking sometimes 😆

Yes, that’s typical for codependent relationships. Say if the parent is a worrying type, we try to make them not worry. If they are depressed, we try to cheer them up… because when the parent is unhappy, the child is naturally unhappy too. So we do everything in our power to make them happy. It’s almost like a survival need, because having a happy, care-free parent is in the child’s best interest. So we’re trying to regulate the parent’s moods, so they could better take care of us.

Okay well that’s a new discovery for me. Until now I thought I only have to deal with my Fearful avoidant attachment style but now I’ll have to work on this one as well. But I don’t actually remember try to regulate my parent’s moods, For example whenever my father is angry me and my siblings would just try to avoid him and not face him.

Do you think this was the case with you and your mother? That you felt you needed to make her happy, i.e. regulate her moods? And you felt guilty if she was not happy?

No. Not really. Because I even told her about my hypothyroidism, and she took it well. And in past there was times when even if I have a headache, she’d get really worried.

But as far as I can remember I didn’t tried to regulate her moods.

I do remember you mentioned you don’t like to make your mother worry, so you often don’t tell her if something’s bothering you. You pretend that everything is fine, and put on that big smile of yours. This could be exactly because of this emotional enmeshment: you can only be happy if she’s happy. And if she’s worrying about you, you can’t be happy?

You said that your two previous girlfriends didn’t really put any constraints on your freedom (I had two different partners who were very accepting yet still I was worried about all these things.). But your guilt of displeasing them is very likely the same guilt you felt about displeasing your mother… it’s the guilt felt by your inner child.

I mean which mother doesn’t worry about her  kids? So it’s obvious that she is worried sometimes and yeah in the past I tried to hide things from my mother because I was scared that she’d be worried because I was still just a high school boy going in wilds… But I think now she’s not worried as before because she can see that I’m a grown up? I’m not sure though. So now I do feel comfortable sharing my things with her as per her level

Yes, and I believe it has to include separating yourself emotionally from your mother (i.e. your partner). And allowing her to be frustrated (for whatever reason – be it because of you or unrelated to you), and yet feel good about yourself. Don’t make your mood and the feeling of happiness depend so much on hers.

Because it seems that your tendency is to get emotionally enmeshed when you’re in a relationship. That’s frustrating and exhausting (and you feel guilty all the time), so you think the only way to prevent it is not to be in a relationship at all. But it’s a false cure…

Hmm you’re right and what steps I can take for separating myself emotionally?

And Yes allowing someone to be frustrated because of me already seems very unpleasant.

Right I know it’s not the cure because few days ago I was talking to one of my friend and she was like I have so much love to give and but I’m not allowing other people to give and receive to myself because I’m not letting close to me emotionally. And without this healthy exchange there’s this void.

Oh and kind of a funny thing happened on valentine’s day. One of my friend’s doctor proposed me 😂

There was definitely fight or flight response feeling because It was kind of sudden

But the thing was that I couldn’t say No! I felt like if I say no today she’d feel disappointed and then it would make me feel guilty. But I didn’t said yes either. I mean I said yes for a date. It was really bold move for her. So I was stunned and she’s actually really attractive as well so… I mean here I am thinking about taking a bold move like that for years but 😂

It’s been like 3 months, and she only knows me because I go to her clinic with my friend every two-three weeks, and she’s actually younger than me.

But to be honest I’m not putting up any high expectations. Go on a date, get to know her a little bit and then maybe something…