Dear Tee,

Okay, I’d like to develop this a bit more, but could you give me an example of a situation where your girlfriend didn’t give importance to something that was important to you?

Okay so this mainly happened in LDR. Like when we scheduled an online date together and at last minute, she changes her plans and she be like is that okay if we do it later or some other time? Or like when we decided to watch something together and she be like let’s talk instead of movie.
And even though in the start I clearly told her that I like when people keep their word, so if I have to repeat myself, It’d make me angry
And for her it wasn’t much big deal, She’s like so what it’s just a date or a movie I’m like it’s not about that, It’s about Keeping your words! I don’t like it when you change it like it’s nothing. Because when I tell you something I think three times will I be able to do this on time? Only then I’d say yes. I don’t just say Yes to everything and later just change it. Because if I expect you to keep your words. I’m keeping my words. Simple as that.
And even though she was well aware about this, She was like you’re strict and righteous, yet still she repeatedly did those things. So I was like that’s enough, I won’t repeat myself again.

Hmm.. actually no, you don’t have to be a hopeless romantic, but a hopeful romantic   I mean, hope needs to awaken in you that a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship is possible. Right now, this hope doesn’t exist… in its place, there is skepticism and fear, as it seems to me.

That’s absolutely right! but yeah Hopeful romantic does sounds lot better. Should we start to write movie script on this? 😂🤣

Okay, so this probably means you don’t trust people, you can’t view them with appreciation, because you’ve been disappointed in them… starting from your parents and grandparents (specially your father and grandfather), to just about every adult you grew up around. Almost nobody appreciated who you really are, but criticized you and expected you to be something you’re not. Would you say that’s true?

Yes that’s true.

If so, I can see a connection between people not appreciating you when you were a child and young adult, and you now not appreciating them. And believing that they would judge and hurt you… And it seems you believe that about your romantic interests as well.

I mean I do currently have lot of people that I admire but like none of them are family members or relatives. And when most of the people who are close to you and when they don’t appreciate maybe that’s why.

Yeah, talking to the person, gradually getting to know them, is the most natural way. But perhaps you believe that you need to show that you’re brave enough, or cool enough, and so making a “film-like” move on someone is what you think will knock them off their feet? I don’t know, just speculating here… let me know how you see it?

Hmm I mean not like “film-like” and I’m literally not even enjoying romance movies anymore. It’s a comedy film for me so😂
But like you said instead of knowing them gradually, Mostly I get anxious and have this rush to know everything about them, if we vibe or not, I start to notice little things and overthink about it, And even when there’s much less time we’ve spend together, I already start doubting on them
And if we do vibe, again I rush even more and expect them have same intensity as me just so I don’t feel like they’re not putting any effort into this.

How is it going with the doctor girl btw? Actually, she made a rather film-like move on you too, proposing to you after only seeing you several times in her office!

Haha yeah she’s lot more action packed in person (As a doctor should be) But because of her work we can’t meet that much and in texting she’s just like.. Haha, Yeah, good.. I feel like I’m pushing her to type things 😂So I’m texting her less now. And I’m like the opposite, in texting I’m much more talkative than in person, I mean even if it’s a new person. But yeah from my previous date we did talked a lot in person and spent a whole day together so who knows.

Cool! So no hard feelings on their part, it seems.

Umm no hard feelings? Well there was lot of hurt and feelings and etc. But we didn’t talked for quite a while, gave each time to recover and then just talk as a friend or like “Normal people”
Before when my 1^st LDR girlfriend tried to reach out to me after breakup. I told her that I can’t step down from romantic relationship to just “friends” It’s really hard for me and I don’t want to work for it. And she told me that it’s not about that but I don’t want to lose a person who impacted my life the most and most valuable to me. So just be in contact time to would make me feel much better. And after some thinking I said Yes to her. Because she also did make me more patient person.

Oh okay. So back then you felt you’re not capable of certain things, so you were blocking yourself. And now you don’t have that mental barrier any more, and you take on challenges more easily?

Yes. And I’m still working on it. But like few months ago, I was talking to one of my friend on LinkedIn, He’s quite old actually. He told me something that still makes me thinks…
He said that don’t just run towards challenges but build your mindset that way that, Whatever comes to you, it’s not even a challenge for you. Just like training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next challenging. Otherwise just that overthinking takes up energy in the present moment and impacts your performance. So Since then I’m learning ways for how to manage or preserve that energy in efficient way.

Dear Tee,

Haha, I’ve been talking to you longer and much more frequently than your therapist, that’s why

Haha True 😊
But that’s the cons for a good therapist, right? If they’re like really good at what they do, They don’t have enough time for all of their clients. But yeah this world needs more people like you 😀

That’s good! It’s nice that you could freely share that part of yourself, and that they weren’t judgmental at all.

Yes but that after like I have enough trust in them.

Yeah, that part you’d need to change…

That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right?

Right… well, your heart is probably very guarded. And you probably don’t allow yourself to feel much because you’re afraid of where it may lead you. So far relationships were always a disappointment and a cause of frustration, so you’re very very careful.

Hmm that’s right I’m feeling like I’m not able feel the way that I felt in my first or second relationship. So feeling of Love is just meh for me. And I think that feeling of love (Not just romantic) is really important. It gives that warmth and give you the perspective to look everything around you with love and kindness. I know my heart is full of love, for sure! But what the point if it’s this much guarded and closed.

And also, you said that so far it was always that the girl approached you. You never made the first move… But did you ever like a girl but were afraid to approach her?

Oh well yeah fear of rejection and anxiety just hits me hard sometimes. Specially if I have to do things face to face. And like after starting this thread I did tried to approach a girl once (I was talking to Anita that time) and I still remember it vividly. We were on the bus sitting next to each other and It took like me 2 hours to approach but I was crazy I didn’t talked, I was all sweaty and anxious, I typed it my phone notes app and showed it her. And She said I’m engaged. After that in my head I was like “oh well I proved my point I did asked her. Now look at the window and just listen to Spotify. Don’t you dare turn your face towards her” 🤣🤣🤣

I haven’t tried after that, Most of the time I’m attracted to girl who’s like “Out of my league” So I’m like why risk? this also could be self-esteem issue because I compare even though I know that all humans just have different preferences. And funny enough most of the girls who did approach was actually “Out of my league” But yeah once I’m comfortable and vibe with someone it’s lot easier for me. I need to find smart & creative solutions about this 😂

Hmm more or less yes I think.. But I’ll still think about it more and let you know

Okay so I’ve asked this to one of the girl I was in LDR with and she told me I did kind of acted critical and superior but never judgmental. I asked one of my close friend too and she said the same thing. So yeah after gathering the data I can say Yes.

Really good to hear this. You’re right – there is no growth and fulfillment in life without facing our fears, so yes, you’re on the right track.

Yes but taking those first steps with the different fears that’s important thing. To at least start you know at least that’s what I think.. Like for leadership roles I used to think why would I take this much responsibility? That’s just crazy. Just work on what you have and relax. So even though I had the skills I was just running away and not striving towards my true potential. Like no I’m not able to do it. That’s just not me. But now I know what growth mindset could do.

Dear Tee***

Dear Tee,

Good that you’ve realized it at a relatively young age! But the imprint stayed, and so their perfectionism became your own perfectionist inner critic. Which is telling you that you’re not good enough, not accomplishing enough at work, not earning enough money etc etc. It’s sad that both your father and grandfather were perfectionists, so you received a double dose of criticism.

Yes the IMPRINT! That’s the thing I’m working on

Not only that, but it seems there was no male role model who could have served as a positive father figure (“My neighbors are like that, older relatives etc because they grew up in competitive environment“). So you were surrounded by bad role models…

Yes exactly! And as we talked recently now I realized how good it is to be surrounded by good and supportive role models

Right… so for your grandfather, it seems you were a tool to boost his vanity and pride. He boasted to others with your accomplishments, while at the same time he wasn’t really proud of you, but kept criticizing you. I can see how damaging it was for you, and how toxic. I understand why you wanted to get away ASAP…

Yes and at that time I was like I’ll make him proud of me. But later I realized that his pride and ego are much toxic

It’s good you weren’t criticized by your mother and grandmother. However, I get the feeling that they didn’t protect you from your father’s and grandfather’s criticism either. Your mother told you to take your father’s criticism silently and “maturely”, so basically she never challenged your father to change his approach. My father never protected me from my mother’s criticism either. That’s why the damage done by my mother was much bigger than it should have been. Because my father allowed the abuse and didn’t say anything. I think something similar happened to you too?

Yes I can say that’s really similar what happened to me. But what do you think what stopped your father and my mother from protecting us?

Yeah, and I think there is even a difference between self-esteem and self-confidence. Self-esteem is a basic sense of self-worth (which doesn’t depend on any skill that you possess), whereas self-confidence is related to various skills we have. Say a professional athlete may have a lot of self-confidence that they are good at sports, but once they get injured, they may feel worthless because their self-esteem was based on their skills and not on a deep inner sense that they are worthy as a person.

Perhaps you too feel self-confident is some things, but what is missing is a deeper sense of self-worth, of being worthy simply because you exist?

I totally agree with you! I do feel like I’m missing deeper sense of self-worth. And recently quite a lot

Right.. and it seems to me that you’re very cautious with relationships not only because of your father’s (and grandfather’s) criticism, but also because you weren’t protected enough by your mother. So relationship might seem like a very scary thing, where no one is on your side?

Right! and that’s the reason why I also still have fear of commitment. It feels so scary.

Okay, you’re afraid to be judged by your partner. So to protect yourself, you rather judge her and make her seem deficient, so to feel less vulnerable? Like, you first judge her before she can judge you?

Hmm may not like who’s first but like because I tried to kind of make the relationship and the person “Perfect” like we talked about empathy before. I used to directly run for the fix instead of empathizing first.

Okay, so you don’t want a relationship to be a competition and a power struggle. You hate it.

EXACTLY!

And that’s why you’d rather not go into it. But the problem is that a part of you believes that relationship is a power struggle. Or at least that being in a relationship means being judged, criticized and hurt. That you can’t show your weaknesses, or even your spontaneity (like dancing while cooking lunch) without being criticized. Right?

Yes being vulnerable and showing weakness as well as opening up as I should be that’s something I need to work on.. and I believe I’m little better than before in that regard.

For spontaneity I don’t feel criticized. Because in my previous relationships I received lot of good compliments about it and I myself believe that without spontaneity relationships are much less fun.. Because I’m someone who gets bored pretty quickly

And if you approach relationships from that vantage point (which is a vantage point of fear), then I think it’s better not to date. Because you’ll likely get more of the same. But if you work on slowly dissolving that fear, on realizing why it’s there and then dissolving it… that’s when you open yourself to a different kind of dynamic in a relationship. To a possibility of a healthy relationship.

I want to get out from this fearsome repetitive cycle. So, I will date and experiment till I have the success.

That would be my answer to your question whether you’re ready to date (You think I’m ready? Or I still need lot of healing even to start dating someone?). I think you’re ready to date if you can let go of some of that fear of judgment in the relationship. We can talk more about it, if you’d like to…

Yes we can talk more about it since I’m still confused even so that I’m being mindful about myself. It’s still makes me overthink

I have a funny example about fear of judgement. So the date I told you about (Before the doctor) I was in hurry, I took a shower I get ready and forget to put the deodorant and just went out. And when she started being touchy and huggy with me I realized heck I forget the deo and instead of being in the moment and even though I knew that she’s not thinking about that I smell, But in my head I was like don’t let come near too much now because of your mistake now she’d take you as someone who doesn’t even groom himself properly. And I was actually trying to be less touchy with her just because of this overthinking and fear 😂

Dear Tee,

In fact, I am thinking now that their biggest mistake as parents wasn’t excessive worry (because you sort of gave them the reasons to be worried   ), but rather, it could be the criticism and judgment that you grew up with. Feeling constantly criticized (e.g. your father was very harsh with you when you didn’t hand him the proper tool right away), always compared to others, perhaps always feeling that something is wrong with you and that you’re not good enough? Like, being seen not with loving, accepting eyes, but with strict, judgmental eyes, who always evaluate you and seek a reason to criticize you?

I totally agree like you mentioned (and even others told me) I was resourceful and pretty much self- reliant. But the thing is that for my parents and grandparents they never saw that as my good accomplishments. They were always like look what he did at this age? Look what he accomplished?  Mainly my grandfather and father (Both are very “perfectionist” nature) So instead of praising they were criticizing me and that made me realize that no matter what I’ll do I wouldn’t be good enough for them. (I realized that years ago) And after that not spending that much time with them, I think they already see me as someone not “inclusive” in the family. Because they be like whatever they think is the only truth and I didn’t like that. My siblings felt the same way as well. But I believe it’s not their fault. My neighbors are like that, older relatives.etc because they grew up in competitive environment. and time when over-achievers were praised and also by that I mean who’s earning more. and Fast! another reason for my impatient behavior sometimes

This seems to me the greatest wounding that you’ve experienced. I’ve experienced the same from my mother. She took my good results at school for granted, never praised me for that, and at the same time she looked for every opportunity to scold me. There was always something wrong with me, in her eyes… and so I grew up with the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. My self-esteem was zero.

Yes, I can totally relate! I know that feeling, but it must have been hard for you. In my case it was my grandfather. And even though I had good grades, It wasn’t enough! I felt literally pressurized to be in the Top 3 students! and yet I still made it as a Top 1st student till the end of high school. Just to feed their ego. So he can talk others like “look my grandson has always been the 1st”. But Because my mother and grandmother never criticized me for that and just loved me without any expectations from me. so It was kind of sane place for me. Otherwise, I swear I’d have to run in the jungle much earlier and never return. And sometimes I think how self-confident, fearless and full of hope kid I used to be. Because of the criticized father and my inner criticism over the years my self-confident and self-esteem is still quite low, and it did affect my career and relationships quite a bit. So I still have to work on my self-esteem and self-confidence.

The above is the excerpt from Pete Walker’s book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”. It could be that you felt very unsafe and criticized when you showed vulnerability or weakness in front of your parents. This might have given you the message that being anything less than “perfect” means being judged and rejected. It also might have led you to believe that the person you are in the relationship with is there to judge you and criticize you.

To the degree that our caretakers attack or abandon us for showing vulnerability, to that degree we later avoid the authentic self-expression that is fundamental to intimacy. The outer critic forms to remind us that everyone else is surely as dangerous as our original caretakers. Subliminal memories of being scorned for seeing our parents’ support then short-circuit our inclination to share our troubles and ask for help.”

Would you say this is true for you? I have more to say and I’d also like to answer your questions, but let me know if the above resonates with you?

Yes I believe I can resonate.  Because those lines hits me. As you know in my previous relationships, I wasn’t being my true self and shielded my heart.

You might even subconsciously believe that this is what relationships are all about: competition, who is better, who is more successful, who is more “perfect”. If so, you naturally want to either win in that competition (be the “more perfect” one, and judge the other person for her supposed deficiencies), or you want to leave the competition altogether (not be in a relationship at all).

Okay so I’m not sure if my subconscious mind believes in that but I’m sure that my conscious mind doesn’t believe competition in the relationships. It was mostly fear of judgments, criticism and inability to express my emotions properly.

or you want to leave the competition altogether (not be in a relationship at all).

This part could be true though. Conscious and subconscious both levels

Bună Tee,

I wish I could tell you I am feeling better, but I am not unfortunately… I’ll let you know if there’s some progress finally…

Okay Thanks. My well wishes 🙏🏽

Okay… if you share about your own childhood and your own experience, that might have some weight and she might consider it. Also, you can say that nowadays children spend too much time on the internet, and it’s not good for their health, so actually nowadays parents should encourage their children to go play outside and not try to keep them indoors.

This occurred to me because I’ve recently seen a cartoon about old and new trends. One of the illustrations shows the Old trend: mother pulling her son back to the house because he’s been playing too much outside, and New trend: mother pulling her son out of the house, while he is glued to his smart phone

You always give great examples. Thanks! I’ll talk to her that way since I also think it’s the same matter as you said. I do have problem for explaining things properly sometimes (More than I want to admit) So this would be helpful.

Well, if in the past she got worried about you for even as little as headache – that’s a lot of worrying. Remember, what matters is what happened in your childhood – that’s the imprint you’re living with – even if now she’s not worrying that much. What did you do when she’d get worried about your headache, do you remember?

Well yeah past is lot of years so the imprint… I don’t actually remember properly but what I do remember is that I just asked for written prescription to my sister (She’s nurse) and then she’d be worried less since she is sure that I’ll be taking the medications.

Sure, that amount of worry is understandable, and since you were doing some really wild stuff, it’s sort of obvious why you didn’t want to tell her… But you also mentioned that she was worried when you wanted to learn how to swim, in a swimming pool with an instructor (if I remember well?). That’s a bit of an excessive worry, in my opinion. How old were you then?

It was actually just recently few months ago. I started the swimming classis and after that I told them. So my parents wouldn’t argue with me. Heck they’re even worried that I’m letting a stray cat inside my place. They be like she might have diseases and blah blah blah.. I’m like I’ll go to the vet and give her vaccination. So, you don’t have to worry about that. Literally no one in my family grown up with a pet. So I did see that coming.
Thing about them as they are scared of the things that they don’t know or experienced before. And I’m the opposite if I didn’t experience that thing, I’d get curious and explore it let alone the outcomes. That’s why my family thinks that I’m a rebel 😂

So I was thinking about emotional enmeshment, which I suggested as a possibility last time, but based on everything we’ve talked about so far, and how you behave in relationships, I don’t think this is the case with you after all.

Hmm yeah I don’t think so…

You’ve talked about this before – that you get “overprotective” i.e. controlling when you try telling your girlfriend that she should eat healthier, or have better sleeping habits. From what I’ve understood, you don’t just tell her “you should get more sleep, staying late is bad for your health”, and then sort of let it go, but you turn into this drill sergeant who is pushing her to eat healthier, sleep healthier, etc. That’s the same drill sergeant who sometimes turns on you (in the form of the inner critic), and sometimes on the people close to you (in the form of the outer critic).

So it seems to me that the “care” you show towards your partner has this overlay of criticism. And so you turn into this overprotective, critical father, who is watching his “daughter’s” every step, trying to “improve” her. You get so focused on her and her problems, that it consumes you completely and you can’t focus on your own life.

I think this type of dynamic is not emotional enmeshment, but more like that you’re focusing too much on her and her “wellbeing” (but in a bad sense, like an overbearing parent), and then you’re frustrated when she doesn’t want to take your advice. This then is frustrating to you and you rather give up, i.e. leave the relationship.

What do you think? Does this sound plausible?

Hmm I think it’s plausible, it does have a connection. And I believe it’s been weeks I haven’t awaken the drill sergeant.

But it’s right I did act like an overprotective, critical father! Not all the time but still…

And after that I get exhausted and give up on the relationship.

Striving towards Perfection (specially with Humans) isn’t a wise thing to do I guess… and I tried to make them “perfect” the way I wanted even though at that time I just saw it as a care and concerned about their health.

Or is it just like my parent thinks they still have to care about me like even though I’m not a kid anymore…

Yes, it was! But you know you don’t need to accept her marriage proposal, right?

Exactly! No rush… If she wants to rush things, please know that you have the right to say No. Even if she doesn’t like that…

Right haha! No I don’t need to accept her marriage proposal. I’ll still try to communicate clearly as possible.

The other day I was thinking about why I feel the way I feel and I think… Like why I don’t have high expectations or even good expectations from the dating. And I could think of the possible reasons

1. I’m emotionally exhausted from this
2. External environment could be the big reason as well not just my friends but like everywhere I see it just that all be like it’s lot of mind games and complex – not like clear communication as it should be. So yeah it’s like a confirmation bias

• The way I perceive my past relationships. Like Did I even had a healthy relationship before that I’m longing for it again?

So because of these reasons, I just feel more hopeless and I just feel not excited for dating. Not more than Maybe just some time spending and physical pleasure.

And yeah what about you? Did you celebrate valentine week?

Ola Tee*
I addressed myself instead of you 😂

Ola Tee,

I am having another not so good period health-wise, so I am not too cheerful. But holding on, keeping hope that it’s going to get better eventually…

Oh I see but I’m glad you’re keeping up the hope. I also hope you’ll be better

True, I was told that Spanish and Italian are sort of similar. Don’t know about French – everyone says it’s pretty hard….

Haha yeah French is not that much similar or say least similar in romance languages, also tongue twisting a lot. But Spanish, Italian and Portuguese are very similar to each other.

For a guy who watched a lioness give birth… no wonder that cities are boring

Well even in the big cities I prefer outside areas not center areas just for near to wild and some more peaceful and farther from city noise.

Great! So at least intellectually you know you’re free to make your own decisions and no one is forcing you to tie the knot.

Yes I know that so I just have to stop fearing about it

Haha… I don’t even think it’s possible with cats – they are great individualists and pretty sneaky  But you can be a father figure to that boy from the neighborhood, whom you were teaching how to ride a bike.

Haha I agree with you on cats. And yes I do spend time with him but less since he’s spending more time indoors.

I get it… that’s great that you’re in touch with your inner child! When you were a child, did you feel judged by your parents for being spontaneous and a little silly? Did they often tell you to “behave”?

Hmm they never had to tell me to “behave” because I was very observant. And grandfather used to talk about other kids of my age how much they have “accomplished” and well behaved they are. So without much thought I was like okay as a kid this age I have to be well behaved and not do many silly things like other kids doing who aren’t much “accomplished”

Can you give me an example? What in your life should be your way and you wouldn’t agree to any kind of compromise?

That’s not an easy question to answer but I’ll try

Hmm I think my freedom and ability to do whatever I want. Because like in relationship I care too much and even if they’re little careless about their health or things that affect them or make them worry it makes me worry 3x times more and I can’t focus on my things.

After that I noticed that in relationships I just loose myself in the process because over caring and overthinking about partner. And it affects my mood and even the sleep so…

Back to the freedom part like I said If I even notice even a little that what I suggested made them uncomfortable I wouldn’t hesitate to change my plans just to see them not disappointed.

Also ability to go wherever I go. It’s like a parent would be like don’t go to hike there it’s dangerous out there and then even after she said no and I’d go I feel guilty.

But I had two different partners who were very accepting yet still I was worried about all these things.