Hi all

@ ML… I’m sorry you’re hurting so much right now, the shock alone must cause some serious reverberations for you. What you are facing is the loss and comfort of the person in your life coupled with the loss and comfort of the future you had planned out in your head. I don’t know why your ex ended it, if it’s something that tears you up and it was done quite abruptly and you don’t understand why, maybe that’s something you could have direct conversation about, in order to move on and grieve. I don’t know how feasible that is. After that, Michelle is right. No contact, albeit extremely difficult is the best way to move forward and try to create a life without that person. It’s not always easy and we’re human, sometimes we’ll end up making contact, but best to at least try anyway and then you’ll at least feel like you’re doing something to help and look after yourself. Grief now. It was 6 years….that’s a long time to be creating the hypothetical future you thought you were going to have and has now changed. Just keep on keeping on until you’re a little bit stronger to actually move forward with completely different plans. That is hard to do in the midst of devastation so just keeping doing little things every day for yourself to keep your head above water.

@Adelaide… well done you. Congratulations. Might sound funny to say congrats for your heartbreak, but you were brave. You opened up your heart and that makes you an amazing person. I berate myself all the time for feeling so strongly about my ex and ‘not getting over him’ quick enough etc but I still sometimes say to myself “Shelby…at least you loved. At least you opened your heart” and I’d rather die knowing that I opened up my heart to love (even if it didn’t work) than die having never felt an open heart.

There is some work for you to do now I think in terms of self worth. You definitely became attached to her and made her an important element of your life, but if she doesn’t feel the same as you, then she can’t help how she feels. Everyone is entitled to how they feel even though it hurts, even though it’s heartbreaking and you want it to be different. It just means she’s not your person. A little time and distance will help a lot to overcome the anxiety and the pain of separation. It is so extremely hard to do, but in my experience you’ll never truly get over someone if you try to remain friends, because let’s face it, you’re not trying to remain friends, you just want to stay close to them and in the far back of your mind the hope will always be there and you could end up just getting hurt again and again when that hope isn’t realised.

You should be incredibly proud of yourself for opening up – I am of myself (sometimes!)- and just try to take it day by day until you’re a little stronger and a little further from the heartbreak.

@Michelle….oooph….there hits a trigger! I might aswell admit it. Completely rational and well meaning advice as usual but I have this thing that I always slate myself over…not being able to soothe myself and it’s the message I get from others a lot throughout my life too. I don’t want to be so dependent on other people, I admire self sufficient people so much, but time and time again I see how much I need people. I get ‘scared’ sometimes, I’ve tried in therapy to figure it out but it doesn’t seem to be changing much. I’m insanely busy with short term work projects at the moment and whilst working late the other night in a busy hot environment, I felt extremely feint and ill and I got scared and literally only wanted my ex there to come and protect me or take care of me. I don’t know. It is what it is, but it always makes me feel ‘less than’ to not be able to look after myself, to always need someone to mind me or save me. It makes me sad and feel inadequate like everyone else in the world is a grown-up but i must never have drank the grown up juice.

Anyway changing the subject, have a wonderful trip to Asia, safe travelling, I can’t wait to hear all about it.

@Kkasxo – how is the new job working out? Are things looking up a little for you? x

@Genie, sorry for the delay in replying. My head has been a little all over the place for the past while and I’ve been trying to figure out my next plan of action in terms of employment.

Firstly, I’m so sorry. I really am. I’m sorry your heart has been broken and now your confidence is shaken and you’re experiencing panic and anxiety. I know that feeling well. I don’t know if I can offer any advice per se in the sense that you will have seen my recent posts and realised I haven’t exactly come out the other side. Yet (I hope I will). However Michelle’s advice is always pretty on point and useful.

With regard to the new guy, I know it can be scary and intense. So I’m extremely close to my new guy now. It’s weird. I explained that I wasn’t in a position to be in a relationship and it was causing me anxiety and it was overwhelming and didn’t feel right and he understood and was extremely kind about it. We took a couple of weeks without contact and then he got back in touch and said he had thought long and hard about it and wants me in his life as a friend. He feels I have greatly enriched his life and he loves the conversations we have which are deep and enlightening, He says I have helped him boost his own self confidence and he’s going to spend much of this year on self growth and development. He’s a wonderful sweet guy and I truly want to see him happy. In the past while I have tried to push him away a little, bluntly telling him that it could be quite unhealthy to maintain such a relationship with the object of your affection. He keeps giving me logical and convincing reasons to remain friends and I find it hard to end the relationship entirely.

He has been a huge support to me recently and I have stated to him that I’m hurting from a past pain and need to address that myself as I feel I’m relying on him too much to fill the gaps I’m feeling in my life. I explained that every interaction with him makes me feel better but it’s a temporary solution and I don’t want to end up reliant on yet another man to make me feel better. I have to do the work myself. He said I’m being stubborn and shooting myself in the foot and that he cares immensely about my overall wellbeing and happiness and if you have someone in your life who supports and helps you, why would you sabotage that friendship and feel like utter crap?! Again, I saw his point. So we’re close friends now. We only know each other about 6 months and sometimes it feels like 10 years. I don’t see him as the guy I want to be in a romantic relationship with, but I’m acutely aware that he’s filling some need currently. I don’t want to hurt him either.

So, my long winded point is that, your new guy might be amazing and I completely understand the need to know is it self sabotage or whatever. But at the end of the day, I think Michelle will tell you this, if our exes are still pretty forefront in our minds….on a pedestal as you say (couldn’t have described it better myself!), then we’re not in a position to fully move on and be completely healed and self assured and confident and ready to fully open our hearts to someone new. Our hearts are not healed or whole enough to give to someone yet I think. I could be completely wrong, this is only from my own perspective. For example, the new guy is unreal when it comes to communication and emotional understanding and caring support, something my ex could never give me. So in many ways the new guy is more of a great guy that my ex will ever be…….and yet……my ex still trumps him. For no particular reason, only the little small things that I loved. WHY won’t they minimise and the larger problems we had maximise? Don’t know, rose-tinted glasses I guess.

I have not been to a therapist in months as I’ve been travelling and then out of work so finances are not the best, but I feel I need to go back. Even just for one session until I can afford more because a lot goes on in our minds and sometimes if left unrestrained, we can work ourselves up into spirals. Sometimes perspective can be helpful, so I’d recommend talking to a professional if you are in a position to do so. I hope it helps alleviate some of the anxiety. I will say that initial anxiety, panic and depression subsides, it seems to be temporary, but you may already know that if you feel you were at least able to get back out into the dating world over the past few months.

As for me, Michelle, most of my brain told me that the birthday text was a moral obligation on his part, but then he started checking in on all my social media posts- bear in mind that I had been so lucky up to now that my ex was insanely private and hated social media and never ever uses it. He initially set up an account before he met me, but never used it once while we were together and encouraged me to avoid social media too, but all of a sudden, though he has had not activity on his page since 2013, he now checks all my posts. I never deleted or blocked him because it didn’t even enter into my head, because it was a non-issue as I felt his account was dead anyway. Now you may ask why don’t I just delete him as a friend and also his best friend who sometimes sends me the odd greeting? I’m not ready. Yep, I’ll be honest and say it’s feeding into my hope.It’s not helping and I found myself posting the odd bit of content just to check had he checked it. I’ve stopped doing that now. I also texted him New Years Eve to wish him a happy new year and he replied with the same three words I had sent him saying Happy NY. So there was clearly no invitation for further conversation and I left it at that.

He never is not on my mind and I wonder how or when does that fade? I feel like the third time we split last May, I kept going, determined not to let it derail me this time. I was incredibly busy with a big event at work at the time, completed my makeup course, did my exams, handed in my notice at work, travelled to Oz and NZ, took on a new short term job in a different industry where i got to experience a new environment and meet so many new people. I met a great new guy and even tried a new romance with him. But still, it doesn’t seem to have had any effect. I want to be back with my ex, and yes I know it wasn’t fulfilling me, but the need to just be in physical proximity to him still overrides. How frustrating! I feel like I’m lying to the world, that I’m faking a life I’m not really living. But I’m doing it with an honest heart. I tried all those things because I was trying to make myself happy or happier at least. I still can’t let go, I don’t know how and then I don’t want to.

So that’s me, I’m not the greatest person to be getting advice from as I still need the advice myself. But I do care and I do empathise with anyone else going through similar situations. Mine is evidently not a unique scenario and I’d love to close my eyes and be 10 years down the road, superbly happy and looking back at this period of my life with puzzlement as to how I could have felt this way at this time. But that’s not how life works. So for now I’ll try and manage getting through each day and try not to rely on others too much and make myself more resilient. I don’t know where I’m meant to be or how to move this process along, so I’ll hopefully get to see my therapist some time in the next week.

Michelle, I can’t believe you’re going travelling again, the envy is real! I feel almost daily now like hopping on a plane, but alas a lack of any kind of financial standing prevents those notions! I’m excited for you and wish you the most wonderful trip again.

@kkasxo, how has 2020 been treating you so far? I got a few more rejection emails this week, but I’m hoping the universe is filtering out where I’m not meant to be! How is Mr. A? Did you manage to make it through the Holidays unscathed? x

@Michelle !!

How coincidental! I was actually thinking about you whilst having breakfast this morning and then I happen to sign into Tiny buddha & you had left a message! Sixth sense perhaps!!!

So lovely to hear from you, are you still travelling? Thanks for your supportive words but I often feel like a bit of a fake, because today I’m feeling very emotional and lost. Typical! The improvement just doesn’t stay consistent! Now, I’m sure hormones are a bit to play this week too, but it’s a tough time of year.

Im working today – wow retail at christmas is like the jungle!!! But I’m loving the experience even though i’ll probably be broken by the end of it!

If you celebrate Christmas enjoy, or if you’re still travelling I hope you’re having an amazing time.

Shelby

Hi @superx

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sux. The pain is overwhelming and upsetting.

Dont get anxious that you’ll have a similar scenario to me, every single human is different, everyone processes things uniquely and in millions of different ways.

No contact, seems to be the key in many ways. I was doing ‘ok-ish’ until he re-emerged and sent me a birthday text. What I will say…..I’m certainly not where I was pain wise three weeks after the original split. It does fade. There’s no way I can prove that to you, you’ll figure it out yourself.

Of course I think a lot about him now again, but I don’t have that absolutely devastating ‘die if I don’t contact him’ mentality. I maintained no contact after it finally ended and it makes it less acute. No reminders, no conversations to over analyse, no safety net of always having him at the end of the phone….and like any vice, you body, both physically and mentally does start to wean off it, if that makes sense?!

Try and hang in there, you’re doing this for you.

@kkasxo, how are you doing?

Hi there, having a tough night tonight. I’m feeling under the weather which always seems to be a trigger for me. Maybe because of the vulnerability of being sick.

Definitely still have the fight or flight (usually flight) response quite to the fore for me

Thanks for the vote of confidence, I know that no matter how much he hurt me, I can’t bring myself to hurt him. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not self-aware enough to also consider the possibility that I’m not doing something to hurt him because I don’t want to create bad blood or give him a reason to not dislike me….so who knows. At least I’m aware and consider all aspects, albeit not sure which one is correct.

I will say one thing and I feel I can say this with conviction which is weird given I know nothing about my ex’s life now. I definitely don’t think texting me yesterday and my response would have boosted his ego. He doesn’t operate that way. He has never displayed any characteristics of a narcissist. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not lauding his merits, all I’m saying is that I’d be fairly confident that he texted me the other day against what he would have preferred to do I think. He’s not a communicator, he would always rather leave sleeping dogs lie, he would rather something fades away into oblivion without drama or discussion. He did it because I think he felt he should. I can imagine the mental dialogue he would have had about sending the message. I think he felt it was the right thing to do, even if he felt he would have preferred to leave it. Little does he know, he should have left it. It would have served me better as it was pointless and lacked much information to determine the sentiment etc. As I said I haven’t and won’t hear from him again, so it was a bit of a shot in the dark for no real reason or purpose. Just frustrating for me but I’m trying to stay on track and not fall into my previous traps where I see it as an opportunity to open up communication again.

I might aswell be honest on Tiny Buddha that those thoughts have gone through my mind. There is not point in me pretending to be someone or somewhere I’m not, in case maybe someone else in a similar situation reads this thread and thinks I’ve got it all sorted now and self-cared my way out of heartbreak. I haven’t. I still miss him, this latest text has made me miss him more and it’s STILL hard everyday. But it is what it is. He left me. That has not changed.

As for jobs, I feel like giving up! Why will no-one hire me??!!! I’m awesome! I’ve just been scouring jobs websites again today and submitted an application for a few more so fingers crossed!

@kkasxo, any news on the jobs front after those interviews?

@kkasxo,

lol, you get me so well! I don’t know what he was thinking to be honest. You’re correct, he’s always trying to do the right thing. In previous years I’d have asked why he didn’t text on my birthday, even if we were apart, but there would have been communication between us back then. Nothing like this.

He walked away, closed the door and didn’t look back. But I suspect he knows his mate messaged me and perhaps doesn’t want to be the bad guy & therefore feels he can sleep with a better conscience perhaps if he feels, ‘oh well it didn’t work out with that girl, but at least we’re not on bad terms’. Well he’s never call me that girl, but you get the idea.

I don’t know what he was thinking. I don’t know him now. Unfortunately I got the text whilst in the company of my sis & husband as we were discussing a different text message & I got a shock and flustered and then had to explain why. Needless to say they were not impressed and some not so savoury language was used by them!

I left it a few hours. They told me not to reply. I wondered is this a test? A self-love self-care yest? I should not reply in order to show up for myself. But basically I felt not replying would hurt him. And I can’t hurt him, or anyone. I just can’t do it. I can’t be responsible for causing someone to feel bad, even if they caused me pain. So I simply said thank you and left it at that.

Tbh, I don’t expect to hear from him again. I don’t know if he’s in some weird emotional 12-step programme or just wants to clean the slate, but I’d say that’s about it.

Talk about a rattling!

@kkasxo

Aw thank you, I hope for the very same. The past few years have been a very mixed bag of drama and pain and uncertainty. I could do with a bit of positivity and happiness for a change!!!

Wow, sounds like you developed an I stand rapport with the top person- that’s fantastic. I will have my fingers and toes crossed for you. What’s meant for you will not pass you. I still haven’t heard anything from the second company I interviewed for. It’s been almost two weeks and I expected a call either way last week, as indicated by them at the time of interview. I expect they have filled the role now, but one would think the professional thing to do would be to let all the unsuccessful interviewees know! Oh well!

Im on a day off from the makeup store today so I’m going for lunch with my cousin and meeting my sisters later for a late dinner! Also going to do some shopping for my family- as I get a discount in the department store, so I have a list a mile long that they have asked me to purchase for them, so might as well get that out of the way today too!

The nice guy ‘caved’ and contacted me last night. He said he misses me in his life, even as a friend, so we may be able to build some sort of good friendship out of al of this. Fingers crossed.

My ex’s best friend messaged earlier to wish me a happy birthday. I never thought he actually liked me, but he tends to like my few social media posts and messages me each birthday- even if I’m split up from my ex on that particular birthday….which has happened….oh I don’t know…. more than once!

Anyway, I’m really happy to focus on myself and my future in 2020, I’m going to do my best to make moves to change my life in a positive way! Here’s hoping…..just gotta stop looking back over that damn shoulder of mine!!!

Have you anything nice planned for the next couple of days?