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Thank you for your concern. Now, they are not biological, actually they are all “pets”. My boyfriend and I consider them our children because for multiple reasons we do not want human children. People are animals too. The work/upkeep they require almost amount to a human child. There is no difference to us between watching all our kids during the day compared to watching his 4 year old niece, and they all get into the same types of things or cause the same accidents (like a lamp that always gets knocked over by the cats and dog also being knocked over by the 4 year old when shes here). We have 5 kids: 3 cats, a dog, and a rabit. My late “son” was a rabit, and died in an accident.
My son is dead. He was 2. You’re right though, Anita. My boyfriend and I have more than one child though and they all get enough attention from us, and the rest of the house.
It wasn’t meant to take away my statement about you being helpful, more like I can’t interpret information from and with someone if I am not/do not communicate with them specifically, compared to you and I responding to each other and adding to a discussion together instead of just me reading posts between other people about their experiences.
I don’t feel much so I often have to question if I should be feeling something in a situation, or what would be the right thing to feel compared to how I feel. This issue also happens with my own behaviors, like am I doing the right thing by trying to relax or should I be doing something for someone? The problem isn’t exactly with emotions but with the situations or people involved. For example I feel my Mom has made up for the negative stuff in the past few years, but I still can’t feel ‘love’ for her. It makes me feel worse because my son was the first thing I was able to feel a maternal type bond with, but I can’t reverse it and form a similar bond with my Mom.
I really don’t hate anything, except my name. It makes me sick to hear someone say it and puts me on the edge of an anxiety attack. I don’t enjoy any activities unless they involve helping other people. I also don’t understand the benefit and change of really being happy and positive, one reason is because I don’t feel happiness. I have been depressed about 90-95% of my life, outside of that I simply feel neutral or irritated. That being said, positivity does not reduce how much needs to get done at home/school/work, and it doesn’t pay for bills. It makes me feel that emotions are a waste of time and energy that could be put towards being productive.
Your truly a great person! I read most of the posts and responses on here, and I am happy to say that you have helped me many times over. You and Inky too, and of course the rest of Tiny Buddha, you two are just more active.
The surprising thing is my grndma and my dad are not related, but are very much a like when it comes to their personalities.
I don’t know when she will show up in my life. Usually something like what I did means you get the equivalent of exiled from her home and support, and you don’t deserve to be spoken to because you are less than an average person. She also might take this extremely personally because I have been the only person that hasn’t treated her badly, she trusts me, and I know her personal and legal secrets. Knowing her, if she does or does not talk to me eventually her mind will wander to “Is she going to tell or is she not?” because her mind will naturally take her there. I don’t want her to feel discomfort, but knowing her and being a Psychology major, I know she will experience discomfort because of this. I might not be a Buddhist, but I still do believe in basics such as karma (still very confused about if I can call myself a Buddhist or not without being wrong), if I cause her suffering even though not on purpose but I am aware of the high chance it will happen, does that not make me a bad person?
Good for you, for being at a job that you love even though it keeps you busy. But isn’t being busy so much what makes the down times so much more enjoyable and so worth it? Especially when you reflect on your accomplishments, it helps remind you how far you have come and that whats left to go before a break is nothing compared to what you’ve already done.
I will pray for your protection during this time because travel right now is so insanely scary to me. You have more bravery than I do!!!
I would have to say that social status and appearance are not the same thing, but they are related. Social status is where you place in your society, and usually the more money you have the higher your social status. Usually. For an example, someone could seem very successful because they have nice clothes, make up on, and can afford to go out if they want to. That person might actually barely have enough money to afford their rent and goes out to eat to save on bills. Or maybe seeing someone that doesn’t take care of themselves makes someone believe that this person doesn’t have money. In truth, they might be ‘rich’ (high ranking in society) but also lazy.
The problem is people often think appearance = value. If this were true then the only way books would be read is if they had an interesting enough design on their cover, regardless of the content inside.
I haven’t thought about what I need to let go of in a while, but I think that doing it every once in a while or at least taking an ‘inventory’ of different things in our lives really does help us. This is what I have changed within the past few months:
Like Saiisha and Anita too I let go of TV, but as an everyday thing and don’t watch/read the news as much. I read enough to stay aware of things going on because knowledge is never a bad thing. I do still watch TV, but for about 45mins-1hour a week, only one episode of one show that I really enjoy. Every year from about November to January I stay away from the news anyway because the negative factors of it skyrocket this time of year.
I have stopped biting my nails, something I did for 16 years. This habit carried a lot of weight with it my whole life, so being able to break it is more than choosing not to do something, at least to me.
I pushed through/came to terms with some (emotional) road blocks, resulting in me growing and giving me some motivation, while also giving me a general sense of direction instead of feeling so lost.
What still needs work:
Motivation, anxiety, depression. I still need to work on motivation because this fairly recent change has been amazingly positive, however, I know I have more to give, more to grow. The anxiety and depression issues are improving very much, but I know they still need work. To improve my anxiety and depression I just need to keep at it and not fixate on the times I can’t keep these feelings away.
I need to:
Remain peaceful but aware, to keep the negative emotions from getting to me but to also allow them to happen when they need to, and not dwelling on negatives; only on positives! Emotions are not all or nothing, they are natural responses that can be changed if someone feels they need to.
I’m still anorexic, still getting worse by the week in this respect. I truly don’t know what to do about that.
I also just moved, and though it is a negative thing right now, that is only because of the stress and problems of moving into a house that still needs work done to it. Even with all that, this new place is still amazingly better than where we were, so in time I know this place will be as close to perfect as we can get.
Can people please share some ‘Letting go’ tips/strategies that helped them out?
For me, mind over matter was the best thing, but this is likely because motivation is such a problem for me. I was not good at doing things for myself because I didn’t like myself enough to care and struggled with suicidal thoughts daily. I actually took a ‘negative’ self talk approach, but in the way I did it, it was different than the negative self talk I had before. I turned the depressing statements into statements that would make me angry enough to change them. Letting go of anger is easy for me again. I say again because after about a year or two or constant stress and one thing going wrong after another, I lost control of my emotions. Then made progress, then ended up in the same situation. I was once 100%, 24/7 raging angry. Controlling this emotion has been such an improvement in my life.
Thank you all! Keep up the positive!
Up until recently I enjoyed many kinds of music from the varying subgenres in classical music, to rap/hip-hop, hard rock, and early 2000’s techno/dance/electronic.
Now, I can only enjoy very few kinds of music without becoming depressed. I enjoy classical music that uses all parts of an orchestra; strings, air, percussion, keys. My absolute favorite music is trance/electronic/house, but that isn’t the right way for me to put it. Inside those few areas are a handful of songs that remain my favorites throughout different stages of my life. I keep one main playlist with under 15 songs. If I skip a song twice, I take it out. Music is very powerful when it comes to emotions, and me being so empathetic makes music the only thing I can’t keep from making me cry. For an example, any song or tune that even slightly resembles a country song will make me struggle with insanely sudden, intense, depression. This is the only time this happens to me, but I really can’t listen to music outside of my (literal) comfort zones anymore 🙁
PTSD is very difficult disorder and I believe you are very brave to talk about it because many people simply don’t fully understand the impacts it has on daily life. Have you seen a professional for any of this? Did your mom face any punishment for her actions? Are you still in contact with her?
My suggestion is to own what you are and what you do, and to do it a little at a time if you need to. Start out first thing in the morning and don’t stop until you go to bed. Since breakfast is the time of day you mentioned being so difficult, when you wake up and before getting out of bed tell yourself “Right now, I really am fine. I am safe. I am simply going to go to the kitchen/bathroom/etc.” Then when you do that one thing, even simply walking down the hall, tell yourself “I did what I was going to. Everything is fine, I’m right here. Now I’m simply going to..” and keep going throughout your day. This might sound silly and repetitive, and obviously you can alter this to your needs, but one important thing to remember is habit. Treating any disorder, panic, affective, sleeping and so on, requires three things; actual treatment strategies, how much the individual physically and mentally puts into treatment, and usually some type of lifestyle adjustment. If you need to write beneficial sayings, goals, reminders, etc. then do it and place them at your bedside and where you eat breakfast.
If you need a more “forceful” approach try taking on the role of an outside observer that simply does not care and states the obvious, like a stereotypical, loud, football (American football if this helps clarify) coach. This can help in two ways. One, it can help by putting the exact situation you are in into perspective, and it helped me to “yell” at myself like a coach because negative thinking for example was one thing I had trouble changing. So in the morning try something like this when you start feeling scared- “Omg I’m freaking out!’ ‘What are you freaking out for? Are you hurt? No! Is that plate of breakfast scary looking? No, all it is ____, so why let it bother you?! Just finish it and get to your other responsibilities!’ The second thing this might do is motivate you even more to get out of the PTSD hold it has on you.
Just some thoughts for you Anita 🙂
It is not wrong to enjoy being by yourself!! Some people are simply introverts meaning they prefer interests that only need one person to enjoy and don’t need the support of other people to be happy. Since you mentioned worrying about “EVERYTHING” and having a psychology background, it makes me wonder about a few things. You obviously don’t have to answer these if you don’t want to.
Do you have generalized anxiety or social anxiety? Anxiety itself can prevent someone from meeting new people or interacting with those they already know, while also making it seem like going out isn’t worth it.
Do you have the motivation or desire to go out and do things? Or do you simply enjoy hobbies that only need one person?
To find out where your next step in life is and what it is, you might need to do some true inner-self questioning. Once you know who or what you want to be, then you can move on. First thing I would suggest though is using your credentials to find a job, even not specifically in your field of teaching. You might do some looking around and find your qualified for a different position.
Best of luck,
I have to agree with the posts made by anita and Saiisha, they both made great points.
What I want to add is, it sounds like something might be bothering you to a certain extent. It is great that you are in a good place, no complaints on your end, but if something wasn’t bothering you, you probably wouldn’t be here. Do you feel personally fulfilled? That is important too.
Why do/did you enjoy art? Would you like to be anywhere else in the future, or are you unsure? Did anything significant happen recently? There is no reason for a change if you’re happy and responsibilities are being taken care of.
You mentioned possibly wanting to move by your parents and the beach, is this because you miss them, the setting, or specific emotions/behaviors associated with these places? If there truly is something upsetting you, you need to confront it.
That being said, if your life really is perfect in the way that you want and believe it is, then everything is as it should be.
Also, you could just be experiencing slight discomfort because of your job, or another influence. Make sure you continue staying healthy because we have a duty to ourselves to always be able to give 100% when it is needed.
Sweety, all the troubles that you are going through because of your family will not go away simply because you are not around. At the very least, it really sounds like your brother needs you. What will happen to him without you?
Find a better therapist. I think you might have good luck ( because I can see that you already have) trying to get advice from this website. I have tried counseling through my college as well and it never works out. I have put a lot of time into self help and helping others, only to find that tinybuddha.com has the most purely helpful and unbiased advice I can find.
Jessica, there isn’t anything you can do to change others. You have held out for 17 years now;that is a lot time! You can keep it up until you’re old enough to be on your own. I know you’re not a kid anymore, and you’re in a tough spot between the freedoms of adulthood and the controlling/abusive nature of your family. But remember, change too takes time. You can go about handling this by helping yourself personally, or by going to the authorities, thought I know the idea of going to officials is scary and you’re feeling alone.
What I think would benefit you is working on controlling yourself. You are NOT doing anything wrong so please do not take what I said like that. Instead I think you could benefit from working on your self esteem, enjoying things in life because there is never a reason not to, and accepting every person, thing, idea, thought, feeling, and situation for what it is. ONLY what it is. Do no give into negative thinking because it makes everything so much worse, dear.
I would suggest you going to the authorities because you don’t want your younger brother to be in the situation you are in right now, right? The change/drama/emotions if you do go to the authorities will be crazy, but you know that it will be worth it. The only way you will be able to truly get past this current part of your life, deal with everything in your past, and have a happy future is if you get out of this negative cycle entirely. You have a bad family, but don’t let them be the cause of your suffering. For every negative, fight it with a positive. If you have to constantly tell yourself positive things to balance out their negative, do it.
The last thing I wasn’t to say is journal. You enjoy writing to an extent, obviously. That is something for you to cling to, if nothing else. Journal all the negative, keep going until you feel you have written what you needed to, since having a conversation with these people around you probably is not an option or worth it. Reread it, and ask yourself “Do I really feel this way? Truly? Or is a lot of it stress from the situations, the people?”
Please read some of the posts on this site about positive thinking, stress relief, and loving yourself. If YOU crate a positive space inside you, because YOU is all you will always have, then that positivity will also be something you will always have. You are doing good, Jessica. After everything you have and are going through, here you are; going to college, actively seeking help for yourself. College will help you get out of this place you are in, but you need to put as much into it as you want to get out of it. Work your a** off for that bright future you want, even if you don’t know exactly where you want to be yet, or if your values change over time. Either way, it will take time to get to where you want to go, but not as much time as you have already put willingly and unwillingly into your family situation.
Suicide will get you quite literally no-where. You deserve the right and the chance to make your life AMAZING. You will make it through this, but commit yourself to improving your life. You will get out of it, positivity and opportunity, only if you allow it to happen and bring some positivity into your life yourself. Once you begin doing this, good things will happen to you.
Anita and all,
Thank you for your responses. The big secret was my cousin raped me for a period of time when I was in 1st grade. In the end, my Dad ended up being told. This is what happened;
Officials pull me out of school, question me about the incident because a ‘friend’ living with me said something at school. Problem is she lied, and brought it up at a bad time. The abuse was no longer going on, it had stopped a few years before, and I had buried the incidents in my head because I didn’t know enough about much of anything to work through it. I also lived with the person that did it for many years, off and on during my life. When I talked to the officials I was in 5th grade. I told them simple ‘No’ that situation wasn’t happening, but I was clearly scared. I had anxiety and depression as a child, and I actually couldn’t control me being afraid or not so they at least should have noticed. They never asked again, or anything else. My friend was also lying, so I wouldn’t have agreed with what I was being told anyway.Anyway, the school and officials told my Dad, he was the only one that came to the school. He asked me ‘Why did no one tell me about this?’ I told him because I didn’t want to get in trouble. I never told because I truly was afraid of being in trouble. My Dad never said a word to me after that. No questions. But he knows, and if my Mom knew that she would lose it herself.
So technically, my Dad and the person are keeping the secrets too. I guess I’m not really alone. I am still working on improving my life by working on myself, this has just been the only thing I can’t ‘fix’ by myself. (I don’t believe that people ae broken and need to be fixed, just an easy way to put it).
I can’t remember where I exactly saw it, but I have seen meditations/mantras/dieties that help with knowledge and understanding. It would be a beneficial thing to look up, hopefully? 🙂
Good luck to you in your studies!
Coming from someone that is/has experienced the situation you wrote about, I want to share with you what has worked for me. I am also proud that you are at least attempting to meditate, because I personally didn’t use meditation as a type of therapy until recently. I know that if I had attempted meditation sooner and with an open heart and mind, I would have been a lot happier a lot sooner.
You have probably heard the same things like “everyone makes mistakes” or “no one is perfect”. You can hear it, see it, think it, read it, countless times over but it doesn’t matter; this isn’t good enough, you should/could have done this or that. Right?
Honestly, you need YOURSELF. LOVE yourself. No matter what you do or where you go, YOU are all YOU will ever have.
Mistakes. Did you really make life changing, ruining, saving, mistakes? Were they really that bad? I’m sure not every so called ‘mistake’ was really as terrible as you are making it. Stop beating yourself up!
Loving yourself is the best thing that will ever happen to you. ACCEPT the negative thoughts/memories/feelings that you have, fighting them will waste too much of your energy. Also, can your body afford to keep up with the stress? It really does kill your brain, something you can’t just heal (I am a psychology major).
When you experience these negative things, question them/yourself. Every time you have an answer that really isn’t an answer (Like, ‘why can’t I be happy?’ ‘Because I’m not good enough’), question it. ‘Why am I not good enough?’ Keep questioning, and eventually you will realize how sill you sound, especially if you say it out loud.
What would you tell someone in your shoes? I ask myself for advice and only give myself POSITIVE advice. It actually has helped quite a bit, but to make it a habit I first imagined talking to someone else, because it helped give me the positive and therapeutic effect of talking out my personal fears, without attaching too much of my personal self to it. Basically, I was able to ease myself into a painfully and openly dealing with things while at the same time accepting everything I could think of for what it truly was. Try doing something that you enjoy, and then or also do something relaxing, simply because you can. Enjoy yourself because there are reasons to do so. Importantly, do something relaxing that actually is relaxing. Simply going through the motions and even the thought patterns (like sitting and meditating) can not create a feeling or place inside that you are looking for. If you are more relaxed and contemplative doing something else, like cooking or taking a shower, then find a way to work some meditation around that activity or time because it might help you.