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sweetglow

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • sweetglow
    Participant

    Hello,

    Please don’t dwell on this, you are clearly an extremely empathetic and kind person. In the case of the first girl, you noticed her predicament and checked she was conscious. At the time you lacked the knowledge that she had quite possibly overdosed and, at that point, you were overcome by your fear of the situation. If you were not at all familiar with raves or open/extreme drug-taking, that would be a very uncomfortable situation to find yourself in and your instincts told you to get out of there; in that situation, it is understandable that you wanted to just run away. It is only later, when you know you are completely out of danger, that you think what you could have done.

    You don’t deserve the emotional torture and guilt. It is really good that you are aware of the bystander apathy phenomenon and that you are educating yourself about things such as sex trafficking and what to do in other life-and-death emergencies. It is clear that if you encounter this kind of situation in the future, you will know what to do. Having said this, don’t anticipate everything as being a potential case of exploitation. You’ll be in a constant state of anxiety if you are fixated on making amends and are therefore stressing yourself in being highly attentive to every single man or woman you see. However, if you truly feel something is very wrong, then don’t hesitate to take the necessary measures.

    Whatever was the outcome of the stories (I am thinking mainly of the first story you told), unfortunately you cannot turn back time. You can only learn lessons and apply them in the present when the chance presents itself. In the meanwhile, you are clearly kind, empathetic and conscious of your actions. The same can’t be said of plenty of people. Good luck, please forgive yourself and find peace with this because you deserve it.

    in reply to: Ego #72671
    sweetglow
    Participant

    Hey,

    Really interesting post and something i’ve been thinking about recently. I think what you have described is a prime example of how there is nothing inherently ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and how everything contains within it the potential to cause conflicting emotions to arise. So on the one hand you’ve seem to more-or-less have reached a state where you have become disconnected from your ego. This is, on one level, incredibly good; the ego, when left to ‘run’ wild can be extremely destructive at worst and very shallow at best (judging your own or someone else’s character based on material possessions, status etc.). However, the ‘bad’ emerges when you say that this has made you feel disconnected from the ‘only world [you’ve] known’. My only advice would be to persevere with this attitude. Just because it seems as if everyone else is living the ‘ego-driven life’ does not justify it or make it a good thing. Try not to judge those who do and, if you can, discuss the dominance of ego with others and see if you can get them to see how messed up it can be. Having said this, there are plenty of people out there who aren’t particularly egotistical or shallow, or whatever who still live in Western society. I think you can tune out some of society’s bullshit and just try not to pay attention to it.

    Apart from anything, there is nothing inherently wrong with deriving some pleasure from material things such as clothes or cars, so long as you don’t attach to this pleasure and think that your possessions are indicative of who ‘you are’ or make you a superior person to others etc.

    Hope you have a great day 🙂

    in reply to: Having trouble coping. #71854
    sweetglow
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through and what you’re currently going through now. That was a fascinating read; it seems like you’ve had a particularly unique upbringing but this, of course, is where the biggest problems lies. I don’t mean to judge your parents, but it often seems that children who are brought up in ‘extremes’ tend to struggle later in life. The principles your parents followed do have some merit (the not becoming attached to everything, the being able to be alone, the meditating on profound subject), but it sounds far too radical. Human beings are fundamentally social animals. I’m a philosophy student who has read Hegel and Hegel (amongst others) writes that the hermits’ life is not for us; we need other conscious beings to fulfil our own self-consciousness. Being alone can be wonderful, but it is unhealthy if it is artificially forced upon us.

    Please don’t judge yourself. Absolutely none of this is your fault and if anyone does judge you, then they’re being extremely unempathetic. I’m sure you’re an amazing, interesting person to be around, you were just deprived of the ‘normal’ framework that most child socialise within. You say you can’t ‘write well’ anymore but, trust me, you have a talent for writing and write beautifully. As for your mental health, I can’t really say much because i’m no expert, but it doesn’t make you less ‘normal’. The contrast between your upbringing, then being exposed to its complete opposite is obviously a lot to deal with. Marijuana use is seen as fairly normal, but it is a very powerful drug and paranoia is a prominent side-effect, as i’m sure you know. You’ve had to deal with so much and your perception of what life ‘should be like’ and, ultimately, who ‘you are’ has been turned upside down. We can never truly define who ‘we are’. I wish you all the best in your recovery and hope you find understanding, true friends.

    in reply to: It ended four years ago; why am I still struggling? #71852
    sweetglow
    Participant

    Hi,
    I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and that you are suffering right now. Your post is titled by a reference to your breakup ‘four years ago’. There is nothing odd or unhealthy in missing someone from your past. I personally don’t think that four years ago is a particularly long time, especially since you were together several years. It sounds as if this ex stands out from the others and this can cause you to think there is something particularly significant about her, which may be interpreted as an indicator that you are supposed to be together. This may be true and, if it is, the only practical advice that can be given is to get back in contact with her. I know this isn’t easy and if she is still in a relationship then getting back into contact for that reason isn’t really advisable. This then leaves acceptance. I know you feel depressed and that her absence is a void, but there is a chance you are projecting your salvation onto her when really you need to working on accepting being single and being happy with being single. Fulfilling, successful relationships are amazing and the healthiest/happiest ones are the ones where each individual is content with themselves. Otherwise the relationship is just an addictive clinging, which leaves each individual feeling constantly anxious in case the relationship comes to an end.

    Real strength and contentment will come from putting yourself first and this means you alone, not an idealised relationship. No matter how great she is, she can’t ever save you because you can only do that for yourself. Even if she showed up at your door right now and said ‘I love you and want to get back together with you’, soon enough cracks would start to show because your depressed/suicidal thoughts will not simply be dissolved by being with this girl, even though that is what you think you desperately want. Aim to get some help for your depression if you haven’t and look into its roots; try to detach its roots from her. Most of us are in the habit of looking back on the past through rose-tinted spectacles. Can you be sure this isn’t happening now?

    Good luck 🙂

    in reply to: So jealous of this one friend… WHY!? #59701
    sweetglow
    Participant

    I know exactly where you’re coming from and it’s a horrible feeling because you feel so guilty for not being able to be truly happy for your friend’s successes in whatever form. When I’ve felt this way about a friend in the past my fear came down to two main things:
    – that the friend would notice that they had become ‘better’ than me and would start behaving as if they were ‘better’ than me, which would lead to a rejection of sorts and more emotional pain which would confirm my inferiority.
    – that others (this was even worse for me) would notice this superiority and start acting on it.

    I knew that if my friend or others were to act as if there were some kind of hierarchy of a person’s worth in terms of their attributes (appearance, cleverness, social behaviour etc) then that would be extremely shallow and something that I did not want in my life, but thought that perhaps that’s just the ‘harsh truth’ and the way life inevitably ‘is’. We cannot help judging others, after all. It is part of being human.

    However, it does not have to be like this. Remove yourself from these social-media generated, black-and-white hierarchies and see the bigger picture. You are enough as you are. Jealousy is a horrible burden and will only hurt you, it will never motivate you to become ‘better’, at least not for long. When you can be completely and genuinely happy for your friend’s successes (and everyone else’s) then things will fall into place and you will feel peace. It’s not easy and your feelings are natural; it is a good thing you have recognised the damage they are doing. Facebook and other social media makes these feelings 1000000 X worse but what you see on a screen is so rarely a true depiction of real life. Just as you say that nobody would be able to see the jealousy you carry inside, your friend is likely doing the same thing in some way and has her own set of emotional issues that she is grappling with.

    Be honest with yourself and embrace how you feel, jealousy and all. Don’t try to talk yourself out of it or rationalise it or mentally punish yourself for feeling this way. Just accept the feelings and then try to find the place beyond success and failure and winning and losing. Remember you (and her) are enough just as you are and nothing will change that.

    in reply to: What came first, depression or drugs? #50986
    sweetglow
    Participant

    Hey,
    I find your topic really interesting and I may be making assumptions but your ‘voice’ (the way you’ve expressed yourself here) sounds mature, coherent and you show a good understanding of what’s going on for you at the moment. It seems you’re not deluding yourself about anything and many people who find themselves in situations like this do try to delude themselves…they defend, deny or ignore the problems. At least you know you want a better life for yourself.
    The problem is, what do you do next? You can’t FIND happiness or contentment. I think in Western society we’re fed a certain message and that is: work hard and you will succeed and be happy. There are plenty of opportunities for everyone, you just need to go out and find them.
    Unfortunately, this is real life and things don’t really work like that. Something I came to realise in my darkest times is, I am enough as I am. Even if you can’t make it through a few hours, let alone a whole day, without getting high is irrelevant. You are enough, you’re good enough. You don’t need to show anyone evidence for this. Get in the right mindset and things WILL fall into place, in ways you can’t imagine or predict. One of the most beautiful things about life, strangely, is how unpredictable it is.

    As for the smoking, I think you’re right that you need to address it. We all have outlets we turn to when life gets tough and yours is weed. The thing is that whenever you come to depend on ANYTHING to get you through life, whether it be drugs, food, or even another person, it becomes an issue. Morally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with recreational drug use. It’s your body, you’re not hurting anybody else, but when you NEED it to get you through (and again, it’s not about the fact it’s an illegal substance, it’s about your dependence on it for your self-esteem) that’s when alarm bells should start ringing. It’s not gonna be easy to cut down but i’m sure you have plenty of people who love you who will support you. If you tell yourself you need to give it up altogether, you don’t have a hope in hell of succeeding because you will just want it even more. Cut down, a little bit at a time. Take back some of the power it has over you.

    You don’t ‘see’ yourself being happy for a while, but you can’t ‘see’ anything like this. What you’re ‘seeing’ right now isn’t reality, it isn’t who you truly are. You’re seeing life through the lens of the depression you’re suffering with and that means that both the past, future and present appear to be bad. There’s no rush to find out who you are, there’s no definitive answer to this question. People gather traits, talents and status symbols to make themselves appear more ‘whole’, to give themselves an identity. None of these things are who they are and the same applies to you. You’re not your depression, or your smoking habit or the people you hang out with. Hang out with who you want, be kind and caring towards people, help them out where you can and in doing so you’ll be helping yourself out.

    Good luck 🙂 I hope you have a good day

    in reply to: Help Me!… I'm so lonely #49209
    sweetglow
    Participant

    Hey,
    in my experience overwhelming feelings of loneliness stem from the belief that I am an isolated life and that I am, in a sense, cut off from those people I wish to connect with. It was only when I realised that all life (not just human life) is connected and harmonious that I was able to feel the peace underneath the sadness, the anger, the resentment. Every living being has access to this peace and it does not depend on our life situation e.g. how we are treated by others and how we feel others perceive us. We have this idea that we are born alone and that we need other people to GIVE things to us. We think we need people to extend love, friendship, companionship. We think we need life to give us success, happiness, fulfilment. Unfortunately, nobody is entitled to anything. Life isn’t ‘fair’ because our notion of ‘fair’ and what we deserve revolves around the ego, the part of us that is constantly screaming ‘I want/I need/I deserve/this isn’t fair’. I promise you that you DO have everything you need and ‘everything’ doesn’t refer to food, water, a loving family, a warm house to live in etc (although obviously those things are important and shouldn’t be taken for granted). Once you accept yourself, others will too and that’s a fact.

    Last year I, like you, felt that I was living the wrong life and that I didn’t deserve what I had ended up with. I truly recommend ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle if you haven’t read it because it changed my life and I really didn’t expect/hope that it would…it just did 🙂

    in reply to: How to overcome loneliness #49136
    sweetglow
    Participant

    Hey,
    As others have said, i’ve definitely experienced this feeling countless times in my life and i’m sure practically everyone does. I’m sure even your friends who appear to have a solid, fun social group still have insecurities. The grass is always greener. Sure, it may seem that they have everything they need socially, but it tends to be human nature that once you have something you begin to take it for granted and to wish you had more, to be/look ‘better’. Nobody ever reaches the point where they go ‘right, everything’s perfect. I’m great and my life is great’ (at least not for very long). This is because things like this are manifested in the exterior, often in the form of status, outward appearance, money, ‘success’ etc. In short, in things you can see.

    Also, if you use social media please, please consider either taking a break from it or using it much less. It can be used as a torture instrument to remind yourself relentlessly of all the things other people seem to have and all the things you ‘lack’. You don’t lack anything 🙂 you sound like a wonderful person who is a great friend and great company. Social media is a messed up way for people to try to deny their insecurities, big themselves up and make it look like their lives are incredible. Rarely is this a true reflection of their reality. At the least, it is an enhanced one. Be confident to embrace your authenticity.

    And as the old saying goes, you tend to get what you want when you stop looking for it 🙂

    I hope this helps a little

    in reply to: messing up a great opportunity #49085
    sweetglow
    Participant

    I hope you’re proven wrong but even if you’re not, I get the impression from this topic that you’re extremely hard working and driven and you should be proud of this. I empathise where you’re coming from, especially in situations where you feel the job is so ‘right’ for you and that, in a sense, it was meant for you and it’d be wrong for you to not have it. Any suffering we endure is there to teach us a lesson so if you feel that you fundamentally messed up, use it to make you stronger and more driven and to overcome the hurdle that your perceived error put in your way. Try to stay present. You don’t know the outcome yet so, until you know, it’s not relevant to the present moment. If you conduct an interview whilst all the while having a mental conversation with yourself that keeps repeating ‘i’m not going to get this job. I’m going to mess up this interview’, then it’s likely you will project this lack of confidence. Anyway, good luck and I hope soon you get the job you love and deserve 🙂

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)