Forum Replies Created
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Hi John,
After the first year or so in a relationship, the initial lust ebbs, and a new stage of more meaningful love needs to kick in. See The Art of Loving (Fromme). Your thoughts on this?
You didn’t share the nature of your stress at work. There, and in your relationship, would it be safe to say you are not living your dream of being happy all the time with people? Do you have a successful track record of living away from your childhood home where things were easier? Such as away at college with room mates, in your own place or as a partner? These experiences are often sweet, but most likely they are also peppered with surprises, setbacks and suckiness. What are your thoughts?
In summary, how are you with uncomfortable or distressful experiences? Are you easily upset, ok or really tolerant and persistent? Are you often stressing because things aren’t just so?
I ask because sometimes we have high, unrealistic expectations that inevitably sour in the full light and heat of life.
Been there done that! 🙂
When faced with unknowns and adversity we need to stand on our beliefs and work through the less than ideal challenges.
Doing this! 🙂
What are your thoughts?
Big blue
Hi Neko,
I’ve done workaholic things at times in my past. When I was into it, I did not have perspective about balance. Now, when feeling pressure to work extra, I stick with going to the gym…admitedly becoming a cross addition though.
I understand your concern for him. As Jasmine wrote, you cannot be responsible for someone’s behaviors. You can express your interests to find common interests and the way you spend time. Most of all be sure to take care if yourself first.
One learning which is a positive for your future – is to go ahead and have the uncomfortable conversation in a situation that is not working, it’s better than avoidance and can be good for everyone involved.
Big blue
Hi Laura C,
If your husband likes numbers, point out that the past few months amount to 1% of her beautiful life – so far. Or, if he Really likes math, ask: “Gee honey she’s been a beautiful daughter all her almost 18 years and we have this challenge now for what, a few months? What per cent of 18 years is 3 months?”
Big blue
PS: Go! Celebrate! Get that big party going! 🙂
Hi tulips8,
Having been in a relationship with someone who was no doubt in the cluster b personality type area, I know that this person is charming on the outside, cons you in, then starts the manipulative abuse, and others won’t believe what he is really doing. As The Ruminant said, they are dashing – they tend to be outwardly attractive and popular because they hate themselves and need to appear like Barbie, or Ken. Also, confronting them does not work; you are trying to resolve something that probably cannot be resolved. There are therapies, but the person resists. In my case I was able to put distance between us. This was relatively easy. I avoid places and mutual friends.
In your case, that is proving difficult. I suggest both plans that Inky offered. 1) get away, and 2) document the abuse and take steps toward a restraining order. If you are successful in getting away, great. If not, follow up on the restraining order or what ever makes sense. Talk with a lawyer who has experience here. For example, what if a police car pulls into his driveway every time he leaves a note, would this embarrass him by challenging his delusional world? So he would not repeat the action?
Take care of yourself. By the way if your therapist is not trained and experienced for this situation, consider finding one who is. Over time learn why you are open to this type of relationship – I’m working on this myself.
Big blue
Hi Jaime,
Ok let’s be practical. Reading your story, you have one viable option, to move back, then make progress, and finally set out on your own again. If you can establish a time range for moving out (example: 9-12 months) from aggressive to conservative, that will give you a realistic goal. Because you do not have an alternative place to live, and you are rightly concerned about avoiding failure, this is your only move. This assumes you already investigated other solutions, such as rooming with someone else.
Although to you moving back feels like sucking a lemon, you can make lemonade by having a positive attitude about your opportunity to be with family and start over, or just get a breather and continue moving ahead.
Put a couple plans together and seek advice from some trusted friends. This will help you. You might build your confidence up. You will learn a lot as Mike points out. Pick one of the plans and try it.
Big blue
Hi Trevor,
The posting goes back about six weeks on the topic of how a girl can help her guy.
I have certainly had a couple rough landings or take offs in relationships. The more you depend on a relationship the more it adversely affects you when it ends. Because you did not share about your breakup, I’m wondering if you were shattered then, like most people, and you are still stuck in the jet wash. Are you? Possible Rx: watch some tear jerker movies. Think back to that relationship. Let your emotions flow. Finish the grieving process. Then, eventually, you will open back up again.
Another way to get comfortable with expressing emotions is to get into a fan sport. Ideally, go to a live event and sit up close. In lieu of that, attend a local bar. Smack some high fives when someone hits a game-winning home run. If this feels awkward, force yourself as an experiment. Try three plus games. Note: I never used to hug.
Ok what’s all this mystery with women? Inky posted recently a book recommendation, look through her recent posts. It’s about romance and other stuff. Read it. While looking for the book title, notice her posts and appreciate her thinking. And other posts of women – Jasmine – to understand their perspectives. This site is unique with these open insights.
“Girls always act entitled and reluctant and I always have to chase them”
Possible Rx: be confident and strong, have a sense of humor, open doors for everyone, practice good hygiene … and some women might just approach you.
Possible RX: do the same as above and add “Hi” to the beginning. Next time you see her say “hi” again and chat. Don’t say “anhedonic.”“If I try to chase a girl it will seem needy or awkward and they won’t like it”
Possible Rx: don’t feel needy. This means getting “no thanks” when you suggest coffee is ok and won’t ruin your day. Go about your business because you have things to do, but be open to the people around you.
Possible Rx: fail at this several times. Learn from the interactions.
Possible Rx: romance. Ibid inky’s book.“Girls won’t regard my sexual nature and will think I’m creepy or something and won’t like it”
Possible Rx: if you think you are creepy, then upgrade your software to a non-creepy version. We are biologically designed for intimacy, so if you don’t feel right, then download some fixes.
Possible Rx: watch the movies One Fine Day (1996). See how the Clooney character is. Oh and see how the Pfeiffer character is.“A girl won’t ever really understand me”.
Possible Rx: seek to understand to be understood. Listen two times the amount you speak. Ask questions because you are genuinely interested, and if you are not, then go with it until you are.Most important and this gets back to my opening question about your breakup, Trevor you need to love yourself. And like yourself. The warts along with the big words and all your pluses. Make a list of all your cool characteristics. Do things to build your self esteem. Maybe something disruptive. What would be a disruptive self esteem builder? CrossFit is one example. Try CrossFit or something for three months. Boxing lessons. Something physical, mental and emotional. Spiritual? This will help you with you mojo as Jasmine said.
Big blue
Hi Josh,
I can tell by your write up that you are upset all the time. It’s good to seek help.
I’m sorry to hear about you mom. My mom also died of cancer.
Your thoughts and feelings – I relate a lot of what you described to a relationship that I had. It prompted me to see a a psychologist. I had to take care of myself and he definitely helped me. I had tried a couple counselors before.
Have you tried this or would you be open to this? They could help you with your temper and why you’re in this type of relationship.
You might also try couples counseling. When we tried that, the counselor identified fundamental issues with her that prevented successful counseling.
It’s an opportunity to learn about yourself Josh. One of the most profound statements that I have read here I think was written by Matt. It was how a difficult relationship or difficult person actually serves as a teacher for you. I can’t think of anything more impactful than that. What I’ve come to find is that everyone does the best they can each day. Sometimes they have an illness, or another challenge that makes their day more of a struggle. This is integral to our lives, we all have it to some degree from time to time. A key learning opportunity is to understand how compassion helps with the relationship we have with ourselves and the relationships that we have with others.
Think about these points and let me know if this makes sense and resonates with you. I hope this helps.
Big blue
Hi Jasmine,
Congratulations on your graduation! You made it!
I used to get really nervous in any group or public place.
Here are a few ideas:
– get to know your “inner Amy.” I’m talking about your amygdala. I’ll wait while you Google it… Amy G. Dala. Let’s consider Amy as looped in on this discussion.
– As you get to know Amy, think of three things that you are proud about from your high school experience. I’m guessing it’s a cool list.
– Put yourself in the shoes of a specific classmate, then another. Admit that they will also be nervous at graduation. For different reasons you three will be nervous.
– Do some research. Identify a couple alumni who are notable for something. Business success, beautiful family, etc. You will soon join them as a graduate. Note: they were nervous, too.
– If you can, sleep well, eat well and do some reasonble but challenging exercise before graduation. You’ll feel better for the day.
As you go along with Amy and these folks, plus family and classmates, faculty and others, think about how they are with you on this day.
When you see classmates, say “Congratulations (or high five or fist tap) we did it!”
When you and Amy cross the stage, go with one of the above thoughts. Then congratulate Neo. Neo Cortex. You’ll find her to be the more cerebral one.
🙂
Big blue
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 