Dear Grace,

you said you were quite different in terms of temperament and character:

I suffer from anxiety and am quite reserved, he’s a bit of a livewire and adrenaline junkie, always getting up to certain stuff.

This doesn’t have to be a problem, but it can. For example, in my relationship I am more of a reserved, anxious person, whereas my husband is extrovert and open. But he’s not a social butterfly and doesn’t like large crowds, but prefers to spend his time at home (unless we go to trips etc). So we’re different in some aspects, but compatible in others, and it works.

If you’re more of a stay-at-home type, while he enjoys spending his free time with friends, partying etc, that could be a problem. Or if he likes adrenaline (perhaps he likes extreme sports where you’re afraid for his safety?), that too would be a big problem, because you being the anxious type would probably try to keep him home and safe with you, while he’d feel trapped and would miss excitement and adventure. I don’t know if this is the case with the two of you, but it’s a scenario in which two people aren’t really compatible, and their differences are too big for the relationship to work.

When he asked you “Do you really love me or did you like the convenience of having someone to live with so you wouldn’t be alone?“, what do you think he was referring to? How do you think he might have felt “unloved” by you? You say you felt unloved when he spent lots of nights online gaming, probably not paying attention to you as much as you would have wanted to. How do you think he felt unloved?

Was I really horrible? Should I reach out to him and apologise for anything I may have done to push him away? Was I a toxic person, did he have a lucky escape getting away from me?

I don’t think you’re horrible, or a toxic person at all. Part of the problem might be your incompatibility, and a part could be certain character weaknesses, on both sides. You said you felt lonely and sad when he was online gaming. Perhaps that means you feel unloved/unlovable unless he showers you with love all the time?

His character weaknesses might be that he wasn’t sensitive enough and didn’t have empathy for you, e.g. he told you to stop nagging him when you’d complain about too much house work, or he attempted to do small talk when you were in pain, after the breakup.

I think it’s definitely not just your fault, so try not to beat yourself up. Try rather seeing is an opportunity to get to know yourself better, get clear about your preferences and what kind of personality you prefer in a guy, and simply, try see it as a learning experience.

Dear Diane,

I know people who invested a lot of time and effort in renovating old sailboats, or old cars… I know someone who had a very strong attachment to his old car, and couldn’t make himself to sell it for a long time (even though it was already a liability and hardly ever used) – because of an emotional attachment. They expected much more joy and satisfaction from the car, but it was a disappointment because it wasn’t working properly and would require constant repairs.

You say you invested a lot of time and blood, sweat and tears into renovating this old home. Did you get to enjoy it too? Did you enjoy the result of your hard work or there was always something to fix and worry about, which kind of clouded the joy? What’s the overall experience of those 18 years?

Dear triss,

you’re welcome. You said:

I can’t imagine my marriage ending but I can’t imagine it going on like it is. …  It’s really hard to hit reset.

May I ask what’s your greatest fear if you were to end your marriage? I am asking because it is often because of fear that we stay in unbearable situations and feel stuck, unable to make a move in either direction.

You say you feel lost, don’t know what you’re doing, and that your life is scattered around. Is it related to other areas of life, not just your marriage? If so, your confusion and indecision may have to do with conflicting desires, or with the fear of failure if you do follow your dreams?

Dear Dave,

you’re very welcome. It’s a real pleasure to read about your progress and your positive, optimistic attitude. You’re doing a great job in understanding yourself, and developing a nurturing, compassionate relationship with yourself. This helped you communicate your true feelings and desires to your girlfriend, which led to separating amicably and with respect for each other. That’s amazing. I am glad you’ve spoken to a counselor too, who helped you further.

It’s also good to hear that you’re doing hobbies, exercising, spending time with friends… all those are great resources which energize you and help you stay on track.

If at any point you’d start feeling down or experience doubts, please feel free to post about it. I’ll be happy to read and help if possible. Wishing you all the best moving forward!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

I tried to contain that voice by telling my mind that i dont want to go back to square one, and i keep reminding myself that i’ve succeeded in not posting for many days and counting and i tell to myself that it’s already and achievement… and i can be a little proud of myself. It did work in containing that voice, although sometimes i get distracted… but i hope as time passes i’ll be able to contain that voice better.

That’s great, Felix, that you’ve managed to contain that voice, and also that you feel much calmer nowadays, not seeking attention on instagram. And also, that you realize you have a few good friends, who like you for who you are, and that you don’t need to do anything to impress them. Those are all valuable insights and I am really happy for you.

It’s okay if you want to take care of your physical appearance. You may want to do some sports, or lift some weights to develop some musculature, or perhaps jog. Being healthy and fit is important, and a good goal to strive for. As long as it doesn’t put you in a competitive mode – like comparing yourself with other guys, putting yourself down for not being strong and muscular enough, or at the other extreme, bragging about your physique. So as long as it’s just something to keep you happy and healthy, and give you a healthy sense of accomplishment, by all means go for it. I am rooting for you!

Dear triss,

I am sorry that your marriage isn’t the way you imagined it to be, and that your husband is treating you badly. It’s good you’ve moved out to get some space and some perspective. He is accusing of being selfish and not having any plans, and you actually agree with him:

I do feel selfish – I have no idea what I’m doing, my life is scattered around – and it’s hard to keep up daily appearances.

Would you care to elaborate on this? How do you believe you’re selfish, and how is your life scattered around?

Dear Ilyana,

The manic phase was good in that I wasn’t in pain, but bad in that it represents instability. Deep down I find manic phases fun and exciting, and they’re way better than depression. But they come with poor decision making, which often has negative consequences for my life. They almost inevitably lead to a crash afterwards. What I want is to be stable.

I see how a manic phase can be exciting, that’s why I mentioned it earlier. I do understand that from the standpoint of “stability” it’s not good for you and you don’t like it, but otherwise “deep down” you like it, because you’re elated, you’re excited, you’re feeling intensely, you’re in love, you’re hoping, dreaming, soaring the skies like a bird who’s free…. You didn’t have any of that in your childhood, did you? You were afraid, lonely, felt miserable, and your mother was full of hatred and resentment towards your father. Even if your personality were cheerful and happy, you couldn’t express that around your mother – I guess she would have guilt-tripped you for being anything but miserable around her.

In your entire childhood, you didn’t have much chance to express normal child’s emotions like elation, excitement, joy, happiness, laughter… you were surrounded with negativity, hatred, resentment, bitterness, criticism and condemnation. You probably felt guilty for even wanting to be happy sometimes. Am I guessing this right?

If so, no wonder that you miss those natural human emotions that give meaning to life. No wonder you don’t want to remain “stable” in your depression. You said your manic episodes stopped when you gave birth to your son. Perhaps that’s when you felt you needed to “grow up” and get stable, which for you meant to become depressed, to be deprived of those exciting emotions that you craved so much? Perhaps a part of your resentment towards your son is that by becoming a mother, you felt you needed to sacrifice your manic episodes – whereas they were the only times you felt alive?

About your husband, you said:

We have been waiting for ten years to go back to a happy place we were in for only 3 years.

What was different in those first three years?

Dear Ben,

It seems that even minor stress can invade every corner of my mind and reduce me to a cowering, trembling lump. I received a couple of voicemails about financial matters that I’m worried about, and not only could I not listen to them, I couldn’t even look at my phone or have it near me. I do the same thing with paper mail- I’ll often throw it away, unopened. I can’t bring myself to look at it, and then I can’t look at myself. I’m so ashamed of my cowardice.

It’s because you feel helpless – you don’t know how to handle life’s challenges, or this particular (financial) challenge, and you feel overwhelmed. You feel you don’t have the resources or the capacity to solve problems. That’s why you’re afraid to face those problems – because you’re at a loss of what to do.

I feel like a scared kid, not a grown man, and I hate it.

Yes, and it’s because the scared kid is still living inside of you – that’s your wounded inner child. All children start out feeling helpless and scared, but with proper support, guidance and encouragement, they develop self-confidence and courage, they learn to trust themselves and their abilities. If you’ve never received that kind of encouragement, if your parents hardly ever played with you, or helped you learn new skills, no wonder you’d be missing those skills. A child cannot develop self-esteem and self-confidence in a vacuum – it needs constant parental engagement. If the engagement wasn’t there, the self-esteem is also missing.

I’m supposed to be able to solve problems with grace

You can only solve problems with grace if you have enough self-esteem and self-confidence – if you don’t feel helpless in face of problems. If you lacked parental engagement and support, which is necessary for many of our skills to develop, including our problem solving skills, you would be at a loss. Another reason could be that your parents didn’t have good problem solving skills either – they didn’t speak about their problems for many years, and then they suddenly divorced, after just one argument. That’s a bad role model for problem solving skills…

I can’t even say No

A part of the problem could be your fear of confrontation, which is related to your parents’ sudden divorce after just one confrontation. As I said earlier, it could be that in your mind, you see confrontation as dangerous and something that causes irreparable damage.

All these present-day problems and limitations are caused by the emotional neglect that seems to have happened in your childhood. Try to understand that there is a child, a little boy inside of you, who didn’t get his emotional and developmental needs met properly. As a result, you’re lacking some skills now.

Like anita said, the first thing would be to stop blaming yourself because it’s like blaming a child for being inadequate. The child within you needs compassion and understanding before all.

He can get that from your adult part, who can serve as a positive, loving parent to your inner child. The task would be to develop this positive, parental inner voice, as the antidote to the harsh inner critic who’s shaming and condemning the boy all the time.

Do you think you can do that? To have that positive, compassionate voice as the counterbalance to the inner critic?