Dear Murtaza,

i was created in a way that guarantee misery, i won’t change, neither is society

i just wished i wasn’t so different

Do you have some physical or other disability that makes you feel different?

It seems you’ve experienced rejection a lot, and last time it was by someone called antina.

she ended up ignoring me, when she knew that i don’t wanna change

How did she want you to change?

Dear Ishita,

if I understood well, you excelled at school, at all subjects but sports. But you loved outdoor games, so you participated in them, even though you were treated badly by your batchmates who “didn’t feel you fitted with them.”

I was good in studies always and other things too, so I never used to allow myself to be bothered by not being too good at sports.

But I remember how I used to feel trouble sleeping at night during those interhouse sports selection days

Because I used to feel really anxious during that time and used to feel that the girls(who used to be mean to me) are actually way better than me in that game.

Was there a selection involved, like only the best players were selected to play for a team, and you weren’t selected? Or how did it go?

In any case, it appears you were very anxious for being rejected and criticized by those school mates of yours, who didn’t want you on their team, I suppose?

But since you were still excellent at other subjects, you didn’t allow this to ruin your self-confidence completely (I never used to allow myself to be bothered by not being too good at sports.)

However, when the time for college entrance exams came, you had bad luck and hurt your leg, and were 2 months behind others in preparations.

And thanks to a few toxic friends(i didnt know the concept of toxic friends then, so I never really tried cutting contact with any one of em during that period, and it had impacted my preparation A LOT negatively) , they had a very negative competitive nature.. I used to feel that I am so behind on the syllabus that I would never make it.

Your school mates would probably report to you what’s going on in classes, maybe telling you how super competitive is, how they have to work hard, and if you’re behind even one week, not to mention 2 months, you’re doomed to fail. Is this what was going on? You started to fear that you – the best student in class – would now fail and be left behind.

This is where your anxiety really started to kick in, because now it was about your whole identity, not just about one side of you, which is sports. You said earlier that being “the smartest kid in the class, being really fast” was what defined you, what you identified with. It seems to me you based your self-esteem on it. If it turns out you’re not super smart after all, that you’re just average and there are other, smarter kids than you – then it means you’re nothing special. Is this how you were viewing it?

At the same time, you say:

during my school life, my education was moreof, something that I pursue because I enjoy it and their wasnt really any pressure on me, neither from my family nor my own.

You didn’t feel pressured by your parents to perform well in school. So it’s not that they made you feel bad if you weren’t a straight-A student. Learning came naturally to you, you were smart and enjoyed school, and good marks were a natural result. You weren’t pressured by your parents.

But somehow, when the pressure of competition was introduced, you suddenly became self-conscious and started questioning yourself. It’s like this new, competitive environment made you aware of a harsh world out there, from which you had been  protected till then, and suddenly, you lost your place in it. If you’re not the smartest kid in the class, then what are you?

It appears that this confusion lasts till this day. You did say that you understand you worried too much back then:

I wish I could go back and tell the 17 year old self ,how it was ok to let go, because there are bigger things waiting, and I will get it anyways( because now, when I am in college , I see an entirely different picture , to what I used to imagine then, and its so much better)

But it appears you’re still struggling, cannot find your place, cannot regain that self-confidence you had as a child. At 17 you started believing you’re not special, and you still believe it. Your feeling special is linked to your school performance, it seems to me. I believe you would need to disentangle the two, and realize you are special, regardless of your academic performance. How does that sound to you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.

Dear Umm,

Sometimes, I just don’t know whether it’s my fault, or things I say, to make him feel this way. I’ve been trying to assure him that I love him, and I guess it isn’t enough for him to let go of his insecurity.

It’s not your fault, it’s his insecurity and lack of self-esteem that make him react like that. And no amount of your love and reassurance can heal his insecurity – only he can do that, if he’d be willing to work on it in therapy.

Can you accept that it’s not your fault? Or there’s a part of your that still believes that you might have contributed to it? Sorry for probing, but I think it’s very important that you’re clear about it, not just for your relationship with him but for your other relationships too (you mentioned a female friend treated you badly, so I wonder if there’s a similarity there? Not suggesting there is, just that you be clear on it).

Dear Umm,

it appears your boyfriend is very insecure of himself. For one, he’s easily offended by what people say about him, and even more that that, he’s bringing up your ex-boyfriends and male colleagues you used to hang out with in the past. He seems to resent you for having been in those relationships or friendships. He’s jealous of those men, and compares himself with them, because he’s insecure of himself. When he says “he knows his worth”, I guess deep down he has a very low self-esteem.

He said his past relationship with his ex-girlfriend was very toxic, as in going to his social medias and told him to delete any girls that she did not like. I am not sure if because of his toxic past, it affects him and he brings it up on me in this relationship.

His ex-girlfriend seems to be even more controlling than he is, but unfortunately his behavior doesn’t seem to be very far from hers. I don’t think she is the reason for his present-day behavior. Rather, it would be his personality and his own unresolved  issues. But the point is that his behavior is toxic too, and unless he changes, I’d say it’s not worth it.

Dear Javier,

I hear you, I know it’s hard. You’re at the lowest point in your life, but remember – it’s always darkest before the dawn! Please trust that the dawn is coming, the first rays of light are going to show up soon for you. Have faith. You’re not an old man, you can still have children of your own, or adopt – there are more ways to be a father or a caretaker for a child. But first, you need to be a father to your own inner child. That’s the child that now needs you more than anything. And if you tend to that child (e.g. with the help of somatic therapy), he will heal and your life will transform before your eyes. Just give it a try.

Dear Javier,

you’re making a very good decision to see a mental health professional, because you do need someone to help you, you can’t pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

Please know one thing: you’re not a lost soul and you were meant to be born. You got born into a very difficult environment that caused so much damage to you. Now is the time to start repairing that damage. You’re 42, years and years are ahead of you, you can heal the wound and write a new script. You said you would like that. You said “I will and want to do every thing to “wake up” and start living.” Indeed, it is possible to start living again, even after the kind of trauma you’ve been through. So don’t give up hope, seek help, make that first step to your new life.

And let us know how the appointment with the mental health professional went. Wish you luck!

Dear Javier,

I am glad you posted. It’s better to express yourself, even if all you feel is pain. It’s hard for you, I know. But you know what I noticed as a positive moment in this recent experience of yours? That you could gather some strength to walk. Because it was only recently that you couldn’t even make 2 steps. Now you could walk for a while. I see that as progress, and something to be grateful for. It was one bright thing in the darkness and despair that you felt.

I know it can’t bring back your smile, but it’s still a big thing. Try to see it as something positive. And next time you walk, try to walk some more, only not up the suicide hill, but to the opposite direction, to the Tree of Life. Is there’s something that symbolizes New Life for you? Is there a place that makes you feel good? If there’s such a place in your vicinity, go there, walk there if you can. Would you be up for something like that?

As for having a bipolar or borderline personality disorder, what makes you think that? Bipolar is characterized by alternating episodes of mania and depression. For borderline, I know that those who suffer from it can have very black-and-white thinking, sort of “If you’re not with me, you’re against me”, they make enemies easily, and can be paranoid too.

When you say suicide watch – how does it look like? Do you mean they might keep you in hospital and force you to take antidepressants?