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TeeParticipantDear Umm,
Sometimes, I just don’t know whether it’s my fault, or things I say, to make him feel this way. I’ve been trying to assure him that I love him, and I guess it isn’t enough for him to let go of his insecurity.
It’s not your fault, it’s his insecurity and lack of self-esteem that make him react like that. And no amount of your love and reassurance can heal his insecurity – only he can do that, if he’d be willing to work on it in therapy.
Can you accept that it’s not your fault? Or there’s a part of your that still believes that you might have contributed to it? Sorry for probing, but I think it’s very important that you’re clear about it, not just for your relationship with him but for your other relationships too (you mentioned a female friend treated you badly, so I wonder if there’s a similarity there? Not suggesting there is, just that you be clear on it).
TeeParticipantDear Umm,
he seems very insecure and conflicted. He says “don’t compare me to anyone”, and yet he’s wondering how your exes look like. If you’re straightforward with him, he gets upset and it leads to an argument, but if you try to be a little more diplomatic, he doesn’t like that either. It’s like nothing you do or say is good enough for him. He’ll always have a reason to complain or be upset.
It seems he’s carrying a lot of emotional baggage, and is not an easy person to be with. How does it make you feel when he gets upset and starts accusing you of “liking” your ex’s old photos? Or when you compliment him and he cuts you off?
TeeParticipantDear Umm,
it appears your boyfriend is very insecure of himself. For one, he’s easily offended by what people say about him, and even more that that, he’s bringing up your ex-boyfriends and male colleagues you used to hang out with in the past. He seems to resent you for having been in those relationships or friendships. He’s jealous of those men, and compares himself with them, because he’s insecure of himself. When he says “he knows his worth”, I guess deep down he has a very low self-esteem.
He said his past relationship with his ex-girlfriend was very toxic, as in going to his social medias and told him to delete any girls that she did not like. I am not sure if because of his toxic past, it affects him and he brings it up on me in this relationship.
His ex-girlfriend seems to be even more controlling than he is, but unfortunately his behavior doesn’t seem to be very far from hers. I don’t think she is the reason for his present-day behavior. Rather, it would be his personality and his own unresolved issues. But the point is that his behavior is toxic too, and unless he changes, I’d say it’s not worth it.
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
My prayers and thoughts are with you. Please let us know what’s up when you get the chance.
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
I hear you, I know it’s hard. You’re at the lowest point in your life, but remember – it’s always darkest before the dawn! Please trust that the dawn is coming, the first rays of light are going to show up soon for you. Have faith. You’re not an old man, you can still have children of your own, or adopt – there are more ways to be a father or a caretaker for a child. But first, you need to be a father to your own inner child. That’s the child that now needs you more than anything. And if you tend to that child (e.g. with the help of somatic therapy), he will heal and your life will transform before your eyes. Just give it a try.
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
help is just around the corner. You have nothing to lose to seek help – it can only be better. Give yourself a chance. Trust me and trust all of us here telling you the same: you can heal, just give yourself a chance!
My prayers are with you, Javier. I pray that you get some relief from those dark thoughts, and that you go to your appointment, where it can only be better. Please have faith!
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
you’re making a very good decision to see a mental health professional, because you do need someone to help you, you can’t pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.
Please know one thing: you’re not a lost soul and you were meant to be born. You got born into a very difficult environment that caused so much damage to you. Now is the time to start repairing that damage. You’re 42, years and years are ahead of you, you can heal the wound and write a new script. You said you would like that. You said “I will and want to do every thing to “wake up” and start living.” Indeed, it is possible to start living again, even after the kind of trauma you’ve been through. So don’t give up hope, seek help, make that first step to your new life.
And let us know how the appointment with the mental health professional went. Wish you luck!
TeeParticipantDear Ishita,
If you want I can tell you when exactly all this began or atleast I ll try to
yes please do, I think it’s important to know when and in what context it began. You wrote that the anxiety around your studies and your performance began when you were around 17, during your entrance preparation training, when you couldn’t perform well due to a fierce competition, bullying by your batch mates, and lack of support by your teachers and coaches.
What seems to me so far is that as a child, you were rather withdrawn and anxious and didn’t have many close friends (I have always felt that I am someone who is an extremely anxious person and I feel I am a difficult person as well because I dont easily make close friends although I have a lot of just friends. )
But school was your forte, you excelled at school and it was a source of pride and self-confidence for you (this used to define me, being the smartest kid in the class, being really fast).
When you experienced problems with your studies at 17, you lost the main source of self-confidence: you being a good student, excelling academically. Without it, you started feeling lost, you didn’t know who you are and what you want any more:
since the past two to three years I have been finding it very hard to see things clearly . Honestly, if not X, I always require someone or the other to make me see the solutions of anything that tenses me, in a clearer way at times.
You lost confidence in yourself as an excellent student. And with that, you lost confidence in yourself altogether. Do you think this is accurate?
If so, it would mean that in the past, you based your self-worth and self-esteem on your academic performance, and with that threatened, you feel worthless, and not special. Would that be accurate?
X made you feel special again, not for your academic performance but for you as a person (or so you believed). Perhaps you’ve never really felt special before for simply being you? This was the first time, and that’s why it hurts so much?
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
I am glad you posted. It’s better to express yourself, even if all you feel is pain. It’s hard for you, I know. But you know what I noticed as a positive moment in this recent experience of yours? That you could gather some strength to walk. Because it was only recently that you couldn’t even make 2 steps. Now you could walk for a while. I see that as progress, and something to be grateful for. It was one bright thing in the darkness and despair that you felt.
I know it can’t bring back your smile, but it’s still a big thing. Try to see it as something positive. And next time you walk, try to walk some more, only not up the suicide hill, but to the opposite direction, to the Tree of Life. Is there’s something that symbolizes New Life for you? Is there a place that makes you feel good? If there’s such a place in your vicinity, go there, walk there if you can. Would you be up for something like that?
As for having a bipolar or borderline personality disorder, what makes you think that? Bipolar is characterized by alternating episodes of mania and depression. For borderline, I know that those who suffer from it can have very black-and-white thinking, sort of “If you’re not with me, you’re against me”, they make enemies easily, and can be paranoid too.
When you say suicide watch – how does it look like? Do you mean they might keep you in hospital and force you to take antidepressants?
TeeParticipantDear Bob256,
if your friendship went downhill and “toxicity started to spread” since you’ve broken up, it most probably means there’s a resentment about the breakup, either on her side or on both sides. If you noticed she’s started being rude to you, that would be the sign that she resents you about something. Do you think that’s possible? How about you – do you resent her about something?
May 19, 2021 at 2:37 pm in reply to: I do not know if I just want to be heard or need some feedback/advice #380100TeeParticipantDear Kibou,
no problem, whenever you feel like replying and have enough time and energy – is fine with me.
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
thank you for wishing good health to my husband. I hope that vaccine will be efficient and keep at bay potential new variants as well.
I’m sleep walking through life, and I will and want to do every thing to “wake up” and start living.
I’m so glad you have the intention and the desire to start living. You’ve been sleep walking because you’ve been running away from pain, and no wonder, because you had a very traumatic childhood. Please don’t blame yourself. Most of us keep running away till we’re forced to face it – by some crisis, like it happened to you. It’s in human nature. But now is the chance to face it – to face the pain, understand it and heal it — and move forward. That’s the silver lining of each crisis…
I root for you to keep walking on that path. It might be uncomfortable at times, but it’s extremely rewarding to find your true self, to live fully… It seems you’re already making the first steps, Javier, and that’s really beautiful.
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
Do you think my longing and regretting not having kids is due to something else? Is there any other”hidden” deeper reason for this hurting?
it could be that you wanted to have children, so you can give them what you didn’t have as a child. You’ve also dreamed of being a grandfather, maybe because grandfather meant a sense of security for you (an imagined sense of security – since your grandparents weren’t alive any more). Children being watched over by their grandfather – not father – could have been a particularly powerful image for you – an image that emanates happiness and security. I’ve already mentioned this is one of my earlier posts – don’t know if it resonates with you?
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
I am glad you’re looking into somatic therapy – it should be able to help. Wish you too find a good match!
Thank you for your kind words, Javier. I am by nature a very anxious person, have been suffering from separation anxiety all my life (I think it has to do with the fact that I was left at my granny’s when I was about 1.5 years old and stayed there for 9 months, with only a few visits by my parents during that time). I’ve also suffered from low self-esteem and feeling not good enough. By working on myself, alone and in therapy, for many years, I’ve managed to mostly conquer my shame and develop a healthy sense of self-worth.
With fear, it’s trickier, and specially covid was a big trigger for me, because my husband has a chronic lung condition and was in a greater danger… the last year, in fact all the way till the vaccination it was very stressful. Now it’s better in that aspect. But there’s always something to worry about – I easily get into the mindset of worrying. I need to consciously remind myself that things aren’t that bad as I imagine them to be. And I pray to God. But there are still challenges in my life, mostly health challenges, which often want to take away my happiness. I need to focus on the present moment and on the things that are good, not on those that aren’t working.
I am not super happy and full of life, exactly because of those health challenges. But I am pushing ahead, trying to do things I love doing, still managing to enjoy many things in life. There’s no other way, because otherwise I could descend into depression by focusing on what’s not working. The greatest point of strength for me is to know that I am not helpless (I used to feel helpless before starting to work on myself – it was my inner child who felt helpless). There’s always something I can do to help myself, to get unstuck.
I think that’s probably the greatest gains of therapy – to free yourself from the sense of helplessness and pitying yourself. To know that you’re an active subject in your life, not a passive bystander and a victim. You sometimes fall, you feel awful and sad, but then in the next moment, or the next day, you pick yourself up and keep going… you don’t stay on the ground, in the dust…
Anyway, this is what comes to mind so far… does it answer your questions?
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
it appears the therapist wasn’t really equipped to help you, and didn’t recognize that you need calming of the nervous system, not just talking about the past trauma, which was re-traumatizing for you.
I wake up every morning depressed and “out of my mind”. I can’t take it anymore. Will the pain ever go away? or will it get worse?
When we’re stuck in trauma, we’re stuck in time, in that old painful reality. This is now exacerbated by you experiencing physical symptoms and living in the same home where the abuse happened. You felt hopeless as a child, you feel hopeless now. Only now, as an adult, you can help yourself. I’d suggest seeking a qualified, somatic therapist, who can help you slowly but surely move out of that stuck, traumatized place, into a new reality. A reality with less pain and more options for yourself.
In somatic therapy the therapist works both with your body and your mind to give the old trauma a new ending, to re-write the imprint in your mind that you’re helpless. I’d strongly recommend something like that, if it’s available to you.
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