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TeeParticipantDear Javier,
I am praying for you. I’ll be away from the computer for the next few hours, but when I come back, I’ll write some more regarding what you’ve just shared.
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
that’s very good that you haven’t used drugs in almost 20 years. I am also happy to hear you’ll have a full medical checkup in the following days, including measuring your neurotransmitter levels. That should give them an idea what needs to be mended in terms of diet and perhaps other aspects.
Have you told them about domestic violence that you’ve experienced as a child? I think you need to be treated for childhood trauma, and for that, there are other, less invasive modalities than ECT. Please talk to them about your childhood trauma, if you haven’t already, because there lies the key to your healing, I believe.
The “dark” hole I was nurturing inside me, all the demons I created, destroyed me and my loved ones, especially my mother. Every day, every moment, I can see the disappointment, pain, and sadness in her eyes. She is hurting with me and most probably blaming herself. I have not only ruined myself, but I have ruined her too.
Your dark thoughts begin with you feeling guilty for everything, mercilessly accusing yourself, and not seeing the origin of your problems – which is in the first 5 years of your life. You have empathy for your mother and everyone else, but not for yourself as a little child who was living in hell. If you want to heal, you’d need to address that early trauma. That’s why I am asking you to please talk to your therapist about that period, so you can receive a trauma-informed therapy.
TeeParticipantDear Murtaza,
just to be clear, I think you are special, like we all are in our unique way. And I do validate you as a unique human being, with your unique gifts and talents. I can’t validate your thinking though, because it stands in the way of you expressing your essence.
TeeParticipantDear Murtaza,
You started your thread with the notion that you’re fundamentally different than other people, moreover that you’re created differently – “created in a way that guarantees misery”. This difference is “different personality, different values, beliefs, way of thinking”.
Now you say “i just wish someone tell me this truth, that yes, it is, in this whole stinky world, there is a person that validate me, validate my thinking”
I would like to propose that “you” are not the same as your thinking or your belief system. “You” are more than that.
What is sure is that you’re human, not an animal or an ET. You were born a human baby, and you had the same needs as every human baby and child: to be loved, shown care and affection, to be seen, to be validated, to feel like they’re special and unique.
Since you haven’t received that, you concluded that you don’t need it. You disowned your hurt inner child and adopted a belief system, a way of thinking that you identified with:
they did hurt my past self, not me though, the here and now me, thats the real thing, thats the one that can’t be hurt, my past self doesn’t exist anymore, only a fraction
You believe that your wounded inner child doesn’t exist any more, or “only a fraction”. You believe your “way of thinking” is who you are. You also believe that your way of thinking is not something you have chosen but something you were born with – like a software with an error. You believe that most people have a well-functioning software (those are the “normies”), while you have a faulty one. You also believe you don’t have the free will to change it. That’s why you say you’re “created in a way that guarantees misery”. In your view, you’re programmed to be unhappy and thus, you’re doomed.
Although you identify with your way of thinking, your wounded child is still inside of you, and it wants to be loved and cared for:
i also dream there is someone who is hugging me while, understand my pain, sympathies with me, hold me,
Your also wants to be seen, understood and validated:
“i just wish someone tell me this truth, that yes, it is, in this whole stinky world, there is a person that validate me, validate my thinking”
And you want to be special. You make yourself special by proclaiming that you’re different from everyone else, that you’re “differently programmed”, even if this program doesn’t serve you. Yet, it serves one purpose: it makes you feel special. That’s why you don’t want to change, because you believe it would destroy your “specialness”, your uniqueness.
You, as a normal human baby, had the same needs as other human babies. Those needs are still in you (to be loved and cared for, to be seen and validated, to be special). But you came up with a “way of thinking”, a mental construct which tells you you’ll never be able to meet those needs because you’re created differently, with a faulty programming, so there’s no point in even trying. But your idea that you’re created with a faulty program is a faulty program itself!
The only benefit you’re getting from this faulty program is that you believe you’re special, even if it’s in a negative way. All the other parts of this program keep you miserable. The question is whether you want to keep identifying yourself with your faulty program, or you want to see beyond it, to your essence?
TeeParticipantDear kleineBlumealleine,
you’re very welcome, I am glad it helped you confirm what you already knew in your heart.
Thank you for your good wishes, I wish you all the best too, and take good care of yourself!
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
thanks for sharing some more. I don’t know anything about psychiatric drugs, but anita posted earlier that there are drugs that can be used with someone who has a history of addiction. Are you currently struggling with addiction?
I am sorry that you’re in a bad place mentally and as you said, “living in the past, stuck in the past, stuck with only awful feelings and bad memories. I have managed to program my subconscious mind to only think negative things.”
That’s probably why journaling left you exhausted and too fatigued to have a productive session. They probably shouldn’t encourage people to journal if this only exacerbates their state..
I believe your subconscious mind is stuck in the survival mode, in the old childhood trauma from the first 5 years of your life. I think that’s where your fear of dying and losing your loved ones originates from.
You as a child felt helpless and you feel helpless now. Your subconscious mind is in the same spot, reliving the same old trauma as if it were happening right now. It’s as if the fire alarm were broken and signals danger even when there’s no danger. That’s how your subconscious mind is reacting – like a broken fire alarm, left on ON the entire time.
Your conscious mind trusts the signals from the subconscious mind and believes it’s the entire reality. It believes you’re doomed. In reality, you’re not doomed – rather, you need to switch off the broken fire alarm. That’s how you can stop the subconscious from hijacking your conscious mind.
One way to silence down the broken fire alarm is via somatic therapy, as I’ve mentioned before. But first you’d need to believe that your conscious mind is hijacked and that there’s a way to retrieve it.
TeeParticipantDear Felix,
=Well, when i post about the new development that time i did write “on progress” on the story caption…. do u think it’s still okay?
Yes, it’s okay.
=When the people who replied to me thinking that i’m busy, that time i tell them “yea after graduating from uni, this is what i do now”. Does this sound deceiving?
Yes, this sounds deceiving because from your reply, they might have concluded that you were busy working on that project when you weren’t. Do you see the difference between being proud of your company’s achievements (which is totally fine) and taking credit for something you haven’t done (which is deceiving)?
If you see the difference, and you also understand what motivated you to brag and deceive people sometimes (your low self-esteem), you can correct your behavior, and also forgive yourself for your past actions.
that time she even crave for my attention. And she even said that she gets jealous when i said i get close with a girl.
This girl obviously liked you and at a certain point was even jealous of other girls. But that was in the past, when she was younger. Don’t forget that she was a teenager then and might have felt one thing, but now she feels something else. People change as they mature. Most recent what she told you is not to expect anything in the romantic sense from her, neither to expect that she won’t look at other boys at the university.
Also i feel jealous that she gets to meet lots of new people in uni for the next 4 years, whereas me….. i’m just helping my parents business everyday and i didnt meet anyone new… like even if i met meet anyone new it wont be as many as her…. how lucky she is…
Now that covid restrictions are being lifted, you can meet new people too. Perhaps less people than being at the university, but still enough to meet a nice girl whom you like and who likes you back.
Do u think if i still keep thinking about her in my head (this is an assumption) for the next 4 years…. but i wont text her except for her birthday until she graduates….., Would it be a wrong choice for me?
Yes, it would be a wrong choice because you’d glue yourself to her, and she’s already told you she moved on, and there’s very little chance that you’d end up together. So it would just be suffering for you. Instead, you can use your time to work on yourself and open yourself to a possibility for true love. But first, work on developing more self-love and self-esteem, because that’s how you’ll be able to meet a girl who truly appreciates you for who you are.
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
if you would like to share – what’s the outcome of the psychological evaluation? Were you prescribed medications, or to start therapy again?
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
it’s very good to hear from you! I was thinking about you and how you are…
During my first psychological evaluation/mental health assessment, I felt exposed, excessively guilty, and numb.
Are you referring to this psychological evaluation that happened now? You say your first, so I’m not sure…
My therapist says I suffer from strong feelings of abandonment, and will often have a sense of being abandoned,
Have you shared with them that you’ve suffered from domestic violence?
TeeParticipantDear kleineBlumealleine,
you’re very welcome. I am glad you’re in a good place in life, having a loving relationship, good friends and financial stability. It means you have a lot of strength and resilience, and the ability to build healthy relationships, in spite of all the hardship you went through.
As for guilt, a child always blames themselves for being mistreated, and believes that if only they change, their parents will finally love them. So it’s natural there’s a part of you who’s tempted to think that. It’s the wounded inner child, I believe.
But it seems you also have a healthy adult part who sees the truth and has compassion for yourself as a child, and for yourself now. This adult part also knows how to protect yourself. That’s why, after having meditated, you came to the conclusion that it’s better to stop communicating with them. You know how to protect yourself, and that’s very important.
So I’d say just stay anchored in that loving, compassionate adult part, and whenever you start feeling guilty and start believing you’re cold and ungrateful – remind your inner child that it’s not her fault and that you’re there to protect her. And remind yourself that they are the cold and unloving ones, and you have every right to protect yourself from their mistreatment.
TeeParticipantDear kleineBlumealleine,
your family hasn’t treated you well, either in the past or now. They didn’t notice the sexual abuse, and when you told them, they had no compassion for you but told you to stay silent and pretend like it never happened, because “no one will love me if i play broken and stay depressed.” They in fact blamed you for being broken and depressed, rather than the distant relative who did this to you. They also left you stranded when they picked out an university for you in a foreign country and then stopped paying after 3 months.
Last year, they called you to come from far away to help take care of your sick grandmother. If I understood well, it’s not because they didn’t want to expose her to the risk of covid, but because they didn’t want to take care of her?
And the latest – your sister got a family house, and you’re left out of the inheritance, right?
Unfortunately your parents haven’t treated you well. It feels like they’ve almost disowned you, and only care to reach out when they need something from you. You hoped it might be okay to keep in touch with them, but they betrayed you once again when they left you out from the inheritance. And when you complained about it, they stopped speaking to you. They accuse you of holding grudges against things you absolutely have the right to hold grudge against – against their abuse and neglect, as anita said.
So I think you better stop expecting anything from them. Perhaps stopping all contact would be the best, because if the only thing they can give you is mistreatment, then what’s the point in staying in touch?
I would like you ask you how you’re feeling about this whole situation? Do you feel guilty for “holding grudges”, or you see their accusations are unjust?
May 30, 2021 at 11:01 pm in reply to: I do not know if I just want to be heard or need some feedback/advice #380744TeeParticipantDear Kibou,
thanks for your note – sure, take your time. I wish you a nice week!
TeeParticipantDear Sara,
I am so sorry you have to live with so much criticism from your mother. And I assume it’s been always like that, your mother criticizing and judging you no matter what you do. In her eyes, you’re never good enough. I know the feeling since my mother was/is very judgmental too. And I too suffered from an eating disorder for quite a long time. My ED served several purposes, but the main purpose was to soothe the pain (at least temporarily) that I was always feeling as my default state: the pain of being unlovable (or so I thought) and not good enough.
My stomach, my arms, my thighs, I can’t look in the mirror without crying and wanting to purge and binge
You feel pain because of how you look (I felt it too), however the real pain is deeper – it’s the pain of being unlovable, the pain of not being loved by your mother. That’s the pain the ED is trying to soothe. Only it never can, of course, because it only makes it worse.
What truly helped me was to work with my wounded inner child and have compassion for that little girl who was judged so harshly and unjustly. But the first step is to develop a positive, compassionate voice within, to counter-balance the voice of the inner critic. Because I am sure you have a very harsh inner critic, which is berating you all the time.
So if you can find a voice inside of you, which is compassionate and accepting of that little girl, rather than judging and condemning – that would be a really important step. Tara Brach has good meditations on radical self-acceptance – you can check that out.
Self compassion has always been difficult for me. It is easy for me to be empathetic and compassionate to my friends and patients but be much more critical of myself.
I understand, it was hard for me too. But it helped when I could give compassion to the little girl that I was. This helped to develop self-compassion for the adult me as well.
There has been other cases of harassment from strangers much older than me which is so weird that this is normal in my cultural community. I honestly have religious/cultural trauma because of it. I am so uncomfortable in my conservative neighborhood.
If you’ve experienced sexual harassment, and you live in a conservative community, with conservative views on sexuality, that can all play a role in your relationship with your body, and consequently, your relationship with food. If you think it’s related, and you’d like to share some more, please do.
TeeParticipantDear Jack,
I am glad you had a nice time together, and she even showed some affection in public. Seems very normal and natural how she behaved.
As for her jealousy, her reaction isn’t too surprising, specially if her flat mate was flirting with you. When she asked you “She’s quite close to you isn’t she?”, she was looking for reassurance that you’re not attracted to that girl and are committed to her. So try to give her that reassurance, and also not flirt back with her flat mate.
A healthy dose of jealousy is normal. It’s only when it becomes obsessive, if e.g. she would accuse you for no reason, or try to control you so that you can hardly speak to a woman without her getting jealous – that would be problematic.
TeeParticipantHi Felix,
I’ve known to many guys who have been destroyed by women and who had lost their lives because of these women.
It seems that one of those guys is you, Felix. Your mother left you and your father for a richer man. She’s the first woman who betrayed you:
My mom divorced my dad as soon as I was born and found someone who had status and money (considering it was USSR). So that’s why I don’t fully trust my mom even though she is a very good person, she still put her own ambitions over her husband and son a the time.
In spite of your mistrust of women, you managed to find a good wife, who loved you for who you are. She wasn’t materialistic and didn’t leave you for another man’s money or status. You divorced for other reasons. But your original wound, inflicted by your mother, is still there, and it’s speaking from you now. If you don’t deal with it, it’s going to be hard for you, Felix.
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