Dear Saje,

The thing is I know I need to get out there to find what I’m looking for; however, the more I do the more apparent the lack of becomes.

Could you elaborate on this? Have you tried dating but haven’t found anyone suitable?

also, my friend said i have been looking from a lack mentality and not abundance. Which is why I feel the way I do. Any thoughts on this?

The mentality of lack would be that you feel less (less valuable, less worthy, less special) without a partner, and that you need someone to make you feel good about yourself. Perhaps Lao Tzu’s quote (“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”) can be interpreted like this:

When you realize there is nothing lacking about you – the whole world belongs to you. And the right person will appear too… How does this sound to you?

Dear Emy,

you feel connected to this man, specially to “his teenage years and the relationship he had with someone when he was a teen”. Could you explain a bit more? Does his adolescence remind you of your own adolescence and a relationship you had with someone while you were a teen?

Dear kleineBlumealleine,

I agree that this man tried to make you feel guilty for something you’re not responsible for, and you felt responsible for it and even tried to help him, not realizing he is using you to care for his emotional needs. I don’t think it was an emotional affair because it was one-sided: it was just him complaining about his marriage and telling you he was unhappy, while you didn’t complain about your relationship nor sought to get your emotional needs met by him rather than your boyfriend, did you?

It seems to me you were a listening ear to him and have stayed for too long in this “friendship” because you felt guilty for cutting him off. And this, as anita said, is related to your childhood and your parents accusing you of “holding grudges” when you were rightfully upset with them for treating you badly.

Here too, you should be rightfully upset for this man harassing you and making advances on you, and instead of trying to understand him and help him, should stop all contact.

irregardless, that doesnt excuse me to going along with being in contact him, i hope a lot it is my learning process (first family, then him) to actually realize these situations (but not just pure victim but also taking responsibility) , to have finally enough energy to stop it and to move on towards something better/bettering myself.

It’s great you’re realizing it’s related to your childhood and that you have the right to stop it – to not feel guilty for setting boundaries and protecting yourself from toxic people. That’s how you won’t be a victim any more, but more in charge of your life…

Dear Felix,

She told me to wait for 2 year, i actually know that it is true and i can guarantee that in 2 years she wont be in a relationship…..

Did she promise you anything about the future? For example, did she tell you that she loves you and wants to be with you, but that the only obstacle is her family, i.e. her aunt at whose place she’ll be living, and that that’s why she asks you to wait for her?

If she didn’t say anything of the kind, but asked you to wait because she doesn’t want to lose your attention and interest in her, and/or doesn’t want to lose you as a potential backup solution in case she doesn’t find any other boy – then no, you should definitely not wait for her or stay in a relationship with her.

A while ago she told you not to expect anything from her. Probably that’s still true – that she isn’t willing to promise you anything, and yet she is trying to make you remain “faithful” to her, in case she needs you in the future. I think it’s quite selfish of her.

my brain always keep telling me that she’s the only “attractive” girl that i can hope for. For the past 9 months when i stop chatting with her, i tried to get close to girls and i failed…

That’s your low self-esteem – that’s why you believe she’s the only girl who’ll ever show interest in you. But if you work on your self-esteem, this will change and you won’t need to depend on her…

Dear Peace,

I am really glad to hear that you’re doing so well, both with your exams and in terms of relationship. As I understood, you broke up with your ex back in April, and have started seeing this other guy in May. Your relationship seems very healthy  – he respects you, doesn’t rush you, helps you when you needed it. You also say you don’t need to walk on eggshells around him, meaning you can be yourself around him, which is super important. And you feel peace and calm, as the relationship slowly unfolds… All in all, it does look promising and healthy, and I hope it stays that way and perhaps even evolves into marriage.

Dear Dandan,

It’s like half of the time we both are super excited and happy and other times I get depressed mostly post afternoon and evening.

My depression though it sometimes doesn’t have any main reason, is sometimes because of my unaccomplishment.

I believe your depression is rooted in your childhood, living with a depressed mother, whom you could never make happy. That’s the reason you felt and still feel bad about yourself, and why you need alcohol and other stimulants to soothe your pain, to forget about the pain. That’s also the reason why you feel unworthy and incapable, and haven’t accomplished the things you wanted to accomplish.

You’re now experiencing the results of your low self-esteem (insecurity, depression, addiction), but the reason for your low self-esteem is in your childhood. If you want to start healing, you’d need to focus on healing your inner child.

I was similar to you, had an eating disorder and super low self-esteem, low accomplishment, and lots of insecurities. I didn’t need to get on medications but I started attending therapy. And a really big breakthrough came with healing the inner child – addressing those unmet emotional needs that I had as a child. I am quite confident it would help you too.

But if I still can’t get over her, and can’t be with her either, not able to think about marrying other girl either, am I doomed ? I am so scared. I feel like which ever path I take I am doomed and going to be miserable.

It appears you did have a strong bond, but mostly because of your internal state (depression, confusion, insecurity), you were unable to maintain and sustain that bond. You were sometimes depressed “for no reason”. I know the feeling: even when everything seems fine on the outside and you should have all the reasons to be happy, you cannot – there is something inside you that won’t let you. That’s the inner child who won’t let you be happy, until you heal him.

In your present state, I don’t think you could be happy with any other girl, and it may be that she is “the one” for you. But you’d need to heal yourself enough to be able to sustain the relationship and not reject her love.

Hi Murtaza,

you talk about loving your inner child your own way:

I already did that, but the hole is still here, and i don’t believe that there is only one way to love yourself, i do it my way, the way i see it fit, not whatever you say, not whatever anyone say

And i would suppose that there is only one way to be a parent to this child, and its a man made way, i don’t care how many people got healed by this way, i already did best for myselfI

you gonna teach me how to love myself? I can’t continue this conversation if you didn’t drop the idea that i don’t love myself, it just makes me mad how you blame me while you don’t even know me, i can’t do this again,

What you did is protect yourself from pain, the way you thought was best. Prior to that, you suffered tremendously (“You don’t know how i lived needing love everyday excessively, so excessively that i wanted to remove this need from the origin“), having a deep longing which no one could meet, and you decided to suppress that longing because that was the only tool you had at your disposal. Your 18-year old self did his best to protect himself from pain – you decided love is an impossibility for you, never accessible, never attainable. With this, you may have suppressed the little boy Murtaza, but you helped the 18-year old to make sense of things, to maintain his sanity. You did well, considering the circumstances.

You’re angry at me for not acknowledging your love for your inner child. I want to acknowledge the role your Protector played in protecting the 18-year old (and the 20-year old) Murtaza from excessive pain. And you’ve managed, to a point. But this very thread shows that you’re miserable. And that’s because you have suppressed that little boy. I am not blaming you, I am just saying what has happened.

In a recent post, you were interested in the true self. The true self is the observer, which observes all of your parts: (1) the little boy Murtaza with his longings and unmet needs, (2) the Protector who came up with the philosophy of why love is unattainable for you, and (3) the 20-year old Murtaza who is apathetic most of the times because he trusts the Protector’s view of the world. The true self would be beyond all those parts, looking at them without judgment, but with compassion and understanding.

its sad though, that every person i talk to either kill me with his wrong advises and suggestions, or just go away,

If you could, at least for a moment, step away from the idea that love is unattainable for you, and that you need to be at the mercy of other people to get love – and give me the benefit of the doubt – this conversation may make sense.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Tee.