Dear Elie,

I’ve always wanted to feel understood but I never got that, due to my parents being more goal driven and emotionally unaware.

My parents aswell as my brother is trying to accomplish more with their careers, however even though all of us are safe and stable, my brother’s constantly trying for a job and he’s breaking apart.

It appears your parents worried mostly about material security while you were growing up. They focused on providing that for you and your brother, and didn’t pay too much attention to how you and your brother feel. Were they working a lot and didn’t have time to tend to your emotional needs? Or they disregarded your emotional needs, sending the message that emotions aren’t important, that material and professional success is what’s important in life, and that’s what defines a person? Perhaps their philosophy was to choose a profession that is the most lucrative, and to disregard the calling of the heart and what one loves doing?

If so (and this is just an assumption, I don’t know if it’s true), then what you wrote about your brother: my brother’s constantly trying for a job and he’s breaking apart” could mean that your brother is very much trying to follow your parents’ philosophy (follow the money, disregard your heart), but it seems he’s breaking, he can’t really do it. And you have compassion for him because you feel the same – not understood by your parents, who have those materialistic expectations on both of you.

Am I assuming this right?

Dear Dandan,

Thank you for sharing your life story with us. It hasn’t been easy for you. You grew up with a depressed mother, who would only stop being depressed when going out, to trips, restaurants or movies. This means she couldn’t be joyful with you, nor could you be a reason for her to be happy.

When she was inside the house, doing the chores, taking care of you, she was probably always a little sad and depressed. That can be quite devastating for a child. The only time she would light up a little was when she watched TV. You watched a lot of TV with her, and there would be all those romance movies. It’d make your mother happy, it made her feel alive. You felt good for a moment while watching romance movies with her.

Fast forward to your 5th and 6th grade, where you started having crushes on girls.  It’s normal at that age, but for you it was almost like a game. When you described your crushes when you were older, you said “I liked getting crushes and approaching and flirting with gilrs though I wasn’t serious.” I think having a crush and being engaged in all that drama reminded you of the times when you watched romantic movies with your mother. It made you feel alive – the same it made you feel alive when you were a child. In short, it gave you a high. So I guess it was probably a little addictive.

In the 7th and 8th grade you developed a passion for dancing and even won in dance competitions. You say you loved a feeling of being like a celebrity, and teachers and others appreciating your performance. How did your mother react to your dancing successes – was she enthusiastic or not too much?

Later, in the 11th grade, you developed a passion for bodybuilding and were quite fit and had the best physique ever. But you didn’t continue at the university. You now regret that you haven’t pursued further those passions from your youth, and that you wasted many years on failed relationships, having crushes, and smoking and drinking.

Dear Dandan, I believe your life so far has been a pursuit of passion – something that will lift you from the depression that your mother gave over to you, since she was depressed too. And also, it was an attempt to bond with a woman who will finally be enthusiastic about you, unlike your mother was. Romance and crushes served that double purpose: 1) of giving you excitement and a “high”, and 2) giving you hope of finding a girl who’ll finally be head over heels about you.

In addition to that is the problem of self-esteem. Because you couldn’t make your mother happy, you concluded you weren’t good and worthy enough. You had a taste of “worth” when you won those dance competitions and were somewhat of a celebrity. But it wasn’t enough to help your self-esteem because the wound was much deeper. You feel unworthy and unlovable, because your mother gave you that message, albeit unintentionally.

Perhaps your flirting with the idea of becoming an actor is even an attempt to become someone your mother would finally appreciate – because it seems she’s quite enchanted by actors.

So till now, you’ve been living with the false belief that you’re unlovable and unworthy, and it’s been like a self-fulfilling prophecy because you’ve made some mistakes. But this can change, your wound can be healed…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.

Dear Boris1010,

we’ve actually talked about the inner child on your previous thread, where you explained how your little paradise suddenly crumbled and fell apart when you were just 10 years old… I am glad that you like John Bradshaw’s book and that it seems to helping you.

With my departed therapist, I’ve learned a few things about myself. My issues with hair trigger anger/outrage are a learned defensive response to anything which feels threatening, anything which is diminishing of me. When I was a little kid, I was powerless over pretty much everything; anger *feels* powerful, even if it isn’t. Better to feel angry and powerful than to feel afraid and powerless. Or so my childish unreason went.

Right, you definitely felt powerless when that huge change came upon you at the age of 10 – your life was taken away from you and you couldn’t do anything about it. Everything that happened to you since was against your will, was violating you, starting from your father leaving, you having to leave your paradise island and move to a big crowded city, to a new school, with unfriendly class mates, and finally, having to live with a stepfather who belittled you and criticized you all the time.

This was a huge shock to your system. From a normal, happy kid you became “intensely shy, withdrawn, socially awkward and timid”. But inside of you there was a lot of anger and rage for these things having been taken away from you, and it hurts even more when we lose something we once had. You knew what happiness was, and then you lost it. You knew what joy was, and then you lost it. I guess it made you bitter and desperate and helpless… Later you started using alcohol and drugs to soothe or numb that pain.

But at the age of 30, you decided you need to stop, you didn’t want to become an alcoholic for life. When you stopped drinking, I believed what happened is that you cut off those emotions too: anger, rage, helplessness, desperation, disappointment, sadness… You couldn’t afford yourself to be destroyed by those intense emotions, which could only be tolerated with the help of alcohol, and so, you needed to cut them off, stop feeling anything. You said you stopped drinking in your 30s, and by the age of 36 you were diagnosed with clinical depression.

I believe that’s the reason you got depressed – numbing of the unpleasant emotions. And since we cannot just selectively cut off the unpleasant emotions, we cut off our feelings altogether and become incapable of feeling the positive emotions either: joy, happiness, love…

When you joined AA and met your lady friend, those emotions got unfrozen after many many years of hibernation. You started feeling joy and hope again at the prospect of being with her, and when she left without a trace, you were crying all the time, feeling a great loss – a loss that you already experienced when you were 10. You must have felt or are still feeling anger too, both at her, but also at your therapist (or the circumstances) for abandoning you. It’s almost like a replay of those old scenes, where you’re suddenly losing that which was dear to you.

She was a person you projected your hopes and dreams at – the hopes and dreams that are now awakened again. And it’s good they are awakened! It’s good you’re not frozen any more. But she isn’t the one to save you, she’s not going to lead you to your promised land (or your promised island). You need to do that for yourself, Boris.

I feel this has been already long enough, so we can continue talking about healing options. But anyway, my impression is that you need to allow yourself to feel all those emotions in a safe, therapeutic environment, and to have someone to witness you and contain you and be that loving, supportive, compassionate adult for you. That’s when the healing of your inner child will happen.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

thanks for sharing some more about your life. It’s unfortunate that your baby sitter forcefully fed you, leading to a traumatic experience. May I ask how your parents reacted to this incident – did they have compassion for you? When you later refused or were unable to eat solid food, how did they react? Were they understanding of you?

Good that you found a way to still help yourself, by drinking water. I think this kind of trauma could even be solved permanently, e.g. by using EMDR or EFT (tapping) techniques. You may look into it…

About your insecurities, you say:

back then when most boys and me are about the same height… i seldom feel insecure.. like i can enjoy life… until highschool starts and every boys get so tall and im in the same height as most girls… that day my insecurity came

I believe your insecurities were present before too, but in a smaller measure, and they didn’t affect you too much. You perhaps weren’t even aware of them. They came out into the light in high school, when you entered puberty and other boys started growing faster than you. You remaining shorter than your peers was a trigger that activated your insecurity.

But I am almost certain that the root of your insecurity goes further back, when you were a child. I wonder if you were criticized a lot as a child? Felt not good enough?

Having read some of your other threads, I see you’re struggling with your place in your father’s company, since you’re not being given any important tasks even though you’ve graduated from university. You’re also criticized by your father for being lazy, not working out, not appreciating his work in the garden… Your mother might have complained about you to the neighbor, and once at a garden party, this neighbor told you something like “come on, try frying the meat, you’ll never learn if you never try”. You felt like being treated like a child. You have this feeling that others too treat you like a child.

This tells me you might have been criticized as a child and given the message that somehow you’re not capable enough, or in general not good enough. If a child is criticized a lot, they fail to develop self-confidence and many other skills, and they may indeed seem incapable later as adults. But it’s not really their fault, there’s nothing inherently wrong with them. It’s just the conditioning and the message that they aren’t good enough that they internalize and start believing about themselves.

Dear hopeful80,

you’re welcome! Good that you discussed the nude photos incident and that he’s on the same page with you – realizing it’s not really acceptable in a committed relationship. You said that after this bit was cleared, you two decided to date exclusively. But then, you started needing more reassurance and asked him 3 more times about this woman. He’s annoyed with that, and probably that’s why his behavior changed and he’s not that enthusiastic about you any more. Is that right?

It could be that after the incident, your anxious attachment style became more pronounced and you started demanding constant affirmation and “proofs” of love. Perhaps you’ve become clingy and insecure, fearing that he might leave you. This could be driving him away, even if he otherwise doesn’t have a problem with intimacy (i.e. if his attachment style isn’t avoidant). You said in relation to that:

I am seeing that I am reaching far more than the other person, always, willing to do more. I often times wonder if it’s for external validation and people pleasing.

It could be also the fear of abandonment, which is at the core of the anxious attachment style. Your anxiety could also be caused by the belief that you’re unlovable, or not good enough, and therefore in danger of being abandoned by the person you love. That might be the reason of your insecurity.

Dear Dandan,

I have had this huge interest in going to a europian company with a job offer and to work there.

[learning German and learning about German culture] created some interest in working in a different country , mainly European country and precisely Germany.

I wanted to go out to get the international work experience. To work with people around the globe. Also to be independent in a different country. Living by choice and freedom.

The above seem like your genuine desires, something that your soul is calling you to do, not something that has been imposed on you by your parents or the society. Is that right?

But then, something stopped you from going after your desires. It’s your fear of being alone and stepping out of your comfort zone:

I didn’t have the guts to move away from my comforzone here.

But after getting the offer, I only can think about negatives. Like how lonely I will get there. I am a sensitive person. My friends also told I might get lonely there.

You changed your mind because of fear. This fear is quite common when we’re about to do something that requires us to step out of our comfort zone. We’re creatures of habit, we like the known, even if we don’t feel good in it. We fear the unknown and the possible challenges that our new circumstances might bring.

Which will prevail – the fear of the unknown or the excitement about the new opportunities – largely depends on the way we were raised. If your parents were fearful and didn’t really encourage you to try out new things, or if they expect from you to always be there at their side and take care of them, you’d naturally be more reluctant to leave, even for a limited time. Maybe you haven’t developed the sense of independence, required to live on your own in an unfamiliar country, and to cope on your own, emotionally, when your family is away?

If you’d like to share some more about the way you were brought up, it might explain better why you have such a hard time giving yourself a chance to experience something new in life.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear anonymous33,

I hope and pray that the situation in your country starts improving soon, and that foreign help has arrived and keeps arriving.

I share your sentiment of feeling frustrated at people who refuse any protection measures and even refuse to wear masks, claiming they’re harmful and a sign of oppression and suchlike. Unfortunately there are such people everywhere, in every country. I’ve had some debates with such friends and acquaintances on social media, but over time, I’ve realized there’s no point in trying to convince them, they’re so deep in their belief system and end up believing quite ridiculous things and conspiracy theories.

I’m not angry at them any more, but I don’t think I can be close to them any more either, because I’ll always be looking at them at someone who showed a profound lack of compassion for others. And even though I know it’s because of their own fears and unsolved issues that they behave like that, it would be hard for me to pretend that nothing happened and have the same kind of relationship with them that I had before the pandemic.