Dear Caroline,

I talked to her, not much but I said she was mean to me sometimes, that she was not nice.

Did you tell her what specifically bothered you? Or you said it just in general, and she kind of knew what it was and now is treating you nicer?

Has she apologized for how she treated you?

I feel angry. I am scared the “nice phase” will pass and we will be back to the usual. I don’t want to go shopping anymore because now I have had enough.

Yes, unfortunately it’s possible that this is just a phase and that she will go back to her usual self once the situation settles. The question is whether she actually respects you, or she sees you as inferior and inapt, almost like a child who needs her guidance all the time.

She also said we would go to this concert of an artist that I like (But I wasn’t really planning to go so I told her that I am not sure if it works out).

So she hasn’t asked you whether you want to go, but just told you that you’d go to this concert of an artist you like?

I don’t know her actual intention, but if I would to extrapolate from her so-far behavior, it’s almost like she so far disapproved and “forbid” you to do certain things, but now she is “generous” enough and allows you to do those things.  It could be the same patronizing dynamic, where she is in charge and is making all the decisions, and you are complying. A little bit like the parent-child dynamic.

This would be in line with what you said here: “Also sounds like..she is allowing me to have those things now, encouraging me, giving permission.”

I am not claiming this to be true, but just saying: if this is just a nice phase, then this is what could be happening. That she is still patronizing you, only now acting like a “good” parent for a change.

And it’s not like she is forcing me or forbidding but.. discouraging. Saying things like: You won’t be painting your room this years, forget it. Next year. And I will agree to this.

Well, this is not discouraging, this is a direct order: “you won’t do it, forget it.” I mean, I guess she can’t physically stop you from painting your room if that’s what you want, but the tone of voice is pretty commanding. Like, “no, you won’t do it. I am telling you”. I am not hearing a lot of discussion, e.g. that she is giving you her opinion on why she thinks it’s a bad idea to paint your room this year. It’s more like she is telling you not to do it, and no discussion about it.

She won’t let me use the checkout, she says she only gets to use it (because I broke something one time, I don’t ever remember correctly). I am fed up with this treatment, even though now she is nicer and better.

I totally get it. Perhaps you feel that even if she is now nicer, she is still coming from this position of superiority and that she knows better and should be making decisions for you?

If so, it might be an abusive relationship. That’s why the real question is: do you feel respected, or you feel looked down at? Does she see you as an equal, or as a child whom she sees inferior and deserving of ridicule? If there is no respect there, then it’s not a healthy relationship.

 

Hi Tom,

Very tolerant and flexible, patient to the core.

glad to hear your wife has those good qualities too.

What I understand is this might be a phase and things would get fine with times as is the case with any couple/ family.

That’s quite possible. As the children grow up, priorities change too, and the dynamic in your family might change as well. Perhaps your wife is rather burdened at the moment and has other priorities (related to child care) instead of being on time always. But this might change later, as the circumstances change.

I think I should prepare myself to face even more difficult situations as we move forward, its always better than getting overwhelmed

Well, as the children hit puberty, parenting may get more challenging. Don’t know if that’s applicable to your situation, but yes, it’s better to expect things to be less than perfect than to be frustrated when they’re not.

Thanks you for your supportive ideas and words of encouragement.

You are very welcome, Tom. Wishing you and your family all the best!

 

Hi Adam,

I am glad your Monday was better, after a rough but productive weekend!

Working out and doing daily duties but still smoking only a lot less. It’s the first real day where i had a moment of feeling amazing knowing I don’t actually need her and I accepted what happened and told myself I didn’t even want to go back to her.

That’s the spirit! It’s a great attitude. I hope you can have more and more days or moments where you feel good about yourself and free from that longing and need for her.

I thought I did accept her for how she was? I understood she was a lot to handle and yes I wanted her to change how she felt about herself thinking it would make our relationship healthy. I figured what I suggested were all healthy paths for change and healing.

You did suggest healthy paths for change, however she didn’t want to take those paths or listen to your suggestions. She wanted to take her own path to healing, which wasn’t really working, but nevertheless she wanted to continue doing that. But the greater problem was that she wasn’t really functional as an adult – she would have needed some significant healing before she could become a functioning adult, with goals compatible to yours (have a job, settle down, have children).

And she didn’t want to do that healing.

Regardless of what she was claiming, the path she took – getting off her medication and letting her feelings run rampant, and then using you as a punching bag to release those emotions – is not a path of healing. It’s a path of self-delusion, with you as a collateral damage.

Your mistake was continuing to stay in that relationship, and begging her to reconcile, even if the relationship was deteriorating with each new cycle. You allowed her to use you as her punching bag and to lose yourself in the process, becoming a shell.

Please don’t think I am blaming or judging you in any way. You were very attached to her and didn’t want to lose hope, due to your own wounds and longing. That longing blinded you to the reality of what is happening: 1) that she isn’t getting any better, 2) that she refuses to take steps that might actually help her get better, and 3) that you were exposed to emotional abuse.

But now looking back, you can see how hoping that she would change eventually – even though she wasn’t doing anything to make that happen – was a form of magical thinking on your part. It was a form of self-delusion. And that’s what our inner child does – because he needs to keep hoping that he would finally get what he wants.

That was the exact reason she left work. Well the main one atleast. She didn’t want to be withdrawing or take time off while working from what she told me.

Yeah, that wasn’t a bad decision. However, what was a bad decision is that she didn’t seek professional help in that period – someone who would help her go through those emotional states. Instead, she was actually dumping everything on you and using you as a buffer and a punching bag. That was not fair to you at all.

It also seemed like she was very picky and particular with the work she wanted to do. Similar to the relationship she left her few jobs she had when I knew her very quickly over nothing too major.

This tells me that she didn’t really want to work. She had other priorities and probably could afford not to work for extended periods of time. This would be in line with what I said earlier that she probably wanted to find herself first and just “play in the sand” while not really have adult responsibilities.

When I opened up about my anxiety she usually was understanding however now I think of it whenever my anxiety was related to her she wasn’t so much. Like when she told me I should trust her and not go hold onto the past. 

I guess she told you to trust in her method of “healing”? And to be patient. Even though it wasn’t giving any results and she was getting worse with time. So I guess when you complained about her mood swings, she basically silenced you, telling you to “trust the process”. And she dismissed the emotional toll it was taking on you, right?

As for not holding onto the past – what did she mean?

What your saying is making a lot of sense I felt guilty asking for my own time and it’s reassuring I was only wanting my own time to protect myself. Again it was a lose lose situation for me

Yes, you said you were blamed regardless of what you did.

What you said here – “Your entire struggle is that you are attracted to girls who are difficult to please, but whom you want to please, so you can feel good about yourself. So that you can feel worthy of love. That’s I believe”
This really hit hard for me when I first read it. I think it makes a lot of sense as to why I’d be attracted to this in my head. I do feel like I have something to prove at times.

Okay, so this might be your core wound: not feeling worthy of love. And you go to great lengths to prove that you are worthy. In this relationship you even allowed her to mistreat you, hoping that if you endure it all and stick by her side, you’ll finally prove to her that you’re worthy of love.

For example at the moment I want to prove to myself that I can have a partner for 12 months. I just look forward to those anniversaries I think

I see. Because so far you’ve never had a relationship last longer than 11 months, right? And so if you make it to 12 months, that would be a sign of success? Perhaps you have the idea that if you make it to 12 months, you are a good enough partner? Otherwise, you believe you are not and that it’s your fault if the relationship ends earlier?

She was very unstable and fragile. Almost anything would set her off at times. A movie I picked, turning off a light, not giving a piggy back. These ‘little things’ are what she saw as my imperfect love and I think she just didn’t feel the love I was giving due to her mental state and past trauma.

Yes, you said she had “disgusting moods”. Those were due to her unprocessed trauma. However, she managed to convince you that it’s because of you, that you weren’t treating her well. That too is very unfair, because at least she could have been aware that her moods were because of her own issues, and were exacerbated once she stopped taking her medicine. But it seems that she didn’t want to take responsibility for her emotional reactions, or even if she did briefly (each time you’ve reconciled), she quickly returned to her business-as-usual: blaming you for her moods. That was really toxic.

And you believed her on some level: the inner child took the blame, because he was hoping that if he changed and became “perfect”, he would finally deserve her love. So your inner child took the blame and felt responsible for her moods, even if your adult part knew she was too demanding and asking too much from you.

I know I’m worthy of love but I think it’s more that I haven’t really felt it from a partner. I just feel like I’m the ‘nice guy’ sometimes who they loved but not how they want.

A part of you (the little boy in you) doesn’t know yet that he is worthy of love. That’s why you stay in abusive relationships and you try to mold yourself into a “perfect” guy, who will be worthy of love.

Yes it was about 6 months in when I started writing letters, this was when the break ups were getting worse. I think this was the fourth time. I have exactly what I wrote if you’d like to know some details. I said things like ‘change is just around the corner, these difficult times are what builds strong relationships’. I said a bunch of other things too. I really poured my heart out to her numerous times that’s what makes it hurt a bit more.

“‘change is just around the corner, these difficult times are what builds strong relationships” – this is how you were deluding yourself that she would change, that she would get over the hump eventually. Even though she was getting worse and worse, and refused to do anything that might have actually helped her.

But in those letters, I guess you didn’t dare to mention that she should change. You only expressed hope that “the relationship will change”. And the result was that you actually changed – you became more and more compliant to her requests, less and less nudging her, more and more walking on egg shells. So it was you who was abandoning yourself, in order to preserve the relationship. She hasn’t changed a bit, on the contrary she became more and more demanding, and never pleased with you.

I realise I shouldn’t have fought but I genuinely couldn’t help myself. I am a big believer on just going all the way but I can see how it may be a turn off. I just have to do certain things otherwise I will regret it. I found out the hard way though.

I hope you can now see that you fought so persistently because you wanted to believe that things will get better. Because the longing of your inner child blinded you to reality of the situation. And the reality was what I mentioned above: 1) that she wasn’t getting any better, 2) that she refused to take steps that might have helped her get better, and 3) that you were exposed to emotional abuse.

I think I did look for validation in this girl. It makes a lot of sense, I was only getting a crumbs but they made me happy at times. She really didn’t put much effort in towards the end either

Glad that you’re realizing that you were looking for validation. Again, that’s the inner child, who was willing to do anything to get that validation.

I look back and remember the feeling I had when I first met her etc and it was great. It reminds me of a high and it felt like we kept on having that after break ups. It was the cycle of abuse.

Yes, after each reconciliation you would start hoping that this time, it will finally work out. That you’ll finally get that validation and love you were longing for. That produced the “high”. But then the abuse quickly returned, because she hasn’t changed one bit and only became more demanding.

Speaking on when we first met I remember it was so spontaneous, no planned dates we just hung out and instantly hit it off, there was obviously chemistry and attraction. I think I was chasing that feeling of love especially here by chasing a carefree girl.

Isn’t it ironic that you got hooked by her being a carefree girl? Only to turn out later that she is anything but carefree.

It’s almost like a part of you (perhaps your adult self) wants to have an easy-going girl, who is easy to please and doesn’t need much to be happy. But another part of you (your inner child) is attracted to girls with anxiety and other mental health issues, who per definition are difficult to please.

I remember how much more effort she put in and how much happier she seemed when working and on medication.

Yeah, I can imagine that she was much more stable and didn’t have those extreme emotional reactions. But I guess there were some side-effects of antidepressants that she didn’t like (perhaps feeling “dull”?), and she wanted to feel more alive, more herself. However, she didn’t go well about it. Her DIY “healing” only made her feel worse.

So until I have healed the core wound a relationship isn’t a good idea?

I think so. If you don’t heal the core wound, it’s likely that you’d end up in a similar situation.

Does that mean this wasn’t a good idea in the first place for me? I felt she was the main issue in the relationship was I a cause of the problems too then?

Well, this wasn’t a healthy relationship, but it was a lesson. And a wake-up call I guess to look deeper into yourself and heal that attraction to difficult girls. You yourself didn’t make the relationship worse, your only mistake was that you stayed for too long.

I will speak to my psych about my need to prove that I’m worthy of love.

Good, you do that! Let me know what she said…

Thanks again Tee I’d also love to get to the root of the problem

You’re welcome! I hope you’re seeing it more and more, and with time, you’ll be able to heal it too. I am rooting for you!

 

You’re welcome, Caroline! I am glad it helped you see your situation more clearly and have more confidence.

Wishing you luck this weekend, and looking forward to your post!

Hi Adam,

I think I got this idea from a friend. He supported me through these break ups and he had issues in the past with his now fiancé and he told me its hard work and no relationship is perfect.

Yes, that’s true. But there should be one basic precondition, which is that you accept your partner as they are (and vice versa). If you want your partner to change in significant ways, that’s never healthy. Your ex is someone who needs to do a lot of healing. She is not ready for a healthy relationship. You wanted to help her change and heal. That’s never a good starting point.

And if you are attracted to girls who are “damaged goods”, i.e. need to do some major healing in order to become functional, that’s almost a recipe for disaster. Because you’ll inevitably end up in this dynamic of wanting to change them, and they not wanting it, or wanting it but differently, and feeling not accepted by you.

And then all this friction starts building, as well as resentment towards each other. And you lose yourself in it, because you want to keep the girl by all means, no matter how dysfunctional she is, and you end up being bullied and suffering.

So you’re setting yourself up for failure if you’re attracted to dysfunctional girls. It’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can’t end well.

It’s funny you mention I made a vow because that’s genuinely what I did. After each break up I would say to myself something along the line of ‘if this girl takes me back then she’s the one, I have to do everything right’. I said that with my ex before this as well. I know I wasn’t the actual cause of this break up but I think I was a bit of the cause in previous relationships and I think thats where this vow developed as well.

Right, you didn’t give your best in your previous relationships, and when you tried to mend things later, if was already too late. And so you vowed to give your best in this one, to not mess it up.

You’re right at the end of the day regardless of what she was going through I was abused. A professional psychiatrist told me ‘this is clearly abuse and your relationship was a cycle of abuse’. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

Yeah, it sounds pretty bad. If abuse is too strong of a word, you can think of it as mistreatment. She treated you badly. But the fact is that a lot of her behavior was emotionally abusive. Even if she wasn’t doing it on purpose, that was the net effect on you.

After break ups I modified a lot of different things. I changed smoking, tried to be at her place more, do what she was wanting to do, tried being proactive with dates etc. but in the end she didnt modify anything. The only thing that changed for her was she left work, started changing medications and started studying at the very end. None of these benefit her mental health for a start.

Why did she leave work btw? Is it because she decided to get off her medication, and she feared she wouldn’t be able to work in such a fragile state?

The cycle of abuse as exactly what our relationship was but I don’t want to believe it. We would be so amazing for a couple months then something would happen and shed leave then we would reconcile. However towards the end it felt like nearly every week she was bringing something new or old up as a way to criticize me for not being present and being there for her.

Well, she was emotionally abusive because of her mental health issues. She was blaming you for everything and not taking responsibility for her actions. Or even if she apologized sometimes, that was short-lived and she continued with her complaints.

So I do suffer from low self-esteem? Because that’s exactly what happens, I start second guessing myself and that’s not what I should be doing in a relationship. I feel like she was making me question my sanity at times by the things she said. I will never forget when she said ‘what is actually wrong with you’.

Yes, I think you suffer from low self-esteem. The typical thought (which is often subconscious) of people with low self-esteem is “there is something terribly wrong with me”. That’s the main false belief of people with low self-esteem. When she told you “what’s wrong with you??”, it’s like she confirmed this false belief that you have about yourself. And it probably hurt like hell.

I straight away apologized and said I’m sorry I should open up about my anxiety more to you.

And when you opened up about your anxiety, did she have more understanding?

All her bad behavior and insecurities made me question myself as a partner.

Yes, her criticism and complaints and telling you things like “what’s wrong with you” all contributed to you feeling bad about yourself, feeling inadequate.

In reality I was a fantastic partner and she was toxic and manipulative, but again I don’t want to accept that for some reason.

Look, no one is perfect. So I guess you weren’t perfect either. But she was toxic, I do believe that. Because whenever someone doesn’t want to take responsibility for their actions but blames the other person, that’s toxic in my book.

 

I’m glad you reassured me that I withdrew naturally because I wasn’t sure if I was purposefully doing it. There were times like when I asked for a night to myself. However we know what happened after I asked for that, so it stopped. She was trying to control me and punish me for not being her ‘ideal partner’ in the moment.

Of course you wanted time for yourself – because she was frequently criticizing you. You wanted to protect yourself from that. But then she would criticize you for not spending all of your time with her – so you felt guilty and gave in. And that’s how you slowly became a shell of a person – because she dominated you completely, you didn’t dare to do or say anything that would upset her.

I can’t bear the thought of her being critical of me because it was unwarranted in my eyes. She had no reason to say the things she did. I do believe I am a good person and partner but there is always things I can improve on as well.

Well, I think that a part of you (your inner child) actually believed her when she said you are a bad partner. If you truly believed you were a good partner, you wouldn’t have the need to prove it to her. You wouldn’t need her to validate you.

Your entire struggle is that you are attracted to girls who are difficult to please, but whom you want to please, so you can feel good about yourself. So that you can feel worthy of love. That’s what I believe.

In past relationships I have had the thought of something is wrong with me. Although this time after the break up I haven’t at all really. In reality something is wrong with her but I never told her that. Maybe saying something is wrong with her isn’t the right word, but she was traumatized and was on major anti depressants, anti psychotics at 17, she was taking valium to try self medicate as well at times. She had a lot of issues and didn’t want to face the music.

Yes, she has major mental health issues, which make her very difficult to function in a relationship. So you might say that something was/is wrong with her.

It does feel like so many things I have done would please others. Everyone I have told has reassured me I did everything and I have nothing to prove to her. My inner child still wants to reach out and see how she is and if she has moved on or feeling how I am etc.

You want to know whether she still cares. Because if she cares, it will mean you are lovable. If she doesn’t care, it will mean you’re not worthy enough. I think your sense of worth or lovability is depended on her. That’s the inner child wound.

I do resonate with being attracted to sensitive and fragile girls. I want to shelter them from the world. I think it’s more that I want to prove to them that I can be that support and I can help them help themselves. I have always been intrigued by women with a ‘damaged side’ lets call it. Somethings about it draws me in

Yes, and you explained in your previous post why you are drawn to such girls. You said: “I wanted to help my ex through all her issues so when she came out the other side she would see I am still there despite all the crap we went through. I’ll admit I wanted to be the one to help so she could look back and see how I was always there and in turn be able to love me even more.”

I’ll repeat once again what I said in my previous post: I believe you are attracted to fragile and sensitive girls because you believe that by helping them you will prove that you are good enough and that you deserve love. You will prove that you are worthy of love. That you are lovable.

I feel this is your core wound: not feeling lovable. Not feeling worthy of love.

I find it commendable to stick with someone through their issues. I genuinely believed that’s what creates those unbreakable bonds, I told her this in a letter when we broke up about 6 months ago. I told her things would change because I believe change is inevitable. Little did I know it wasn’t me that needed to make many adjustments but rather my ex.

So 6 months ago, after one of the breakups, you told her in a letter that you would change, that you would make adjustments?

What would a healthy motivation be to stick with your partner through thick and thin?

I guess if the relationship is healthy to begin with. Which means if both partners are dedicated to each other and to self-improvement. If one is denying responsibility for their actions and always blaming the other, that’s not healthy. If you need to lose yourself stay in the relationship – that’s not healthy either.

Thick and thin are often the outer circumstances – tough times such as loss of job, severe illness by one partner, car accident, financial crisis, losing one’s home, miscarriage or another trauma. In other words, often it’s the outer crisis which tests the couple’s bond. Sometimes it is the inner crisis, such as midlife crisis, which can either bring the partners closer together, or can lead to distancing and separation.

But what I am trying to say is that if one partner is dysfunctional and unable for a healthy relationship, it’s not a good relationship to fight for.

I really still believe she was very close to being right for me, I still don’t know if I did pick her due to my unmet emotional needs. The psych told me I may not have been as spontaneous or playful as her. But I was still childish and a joker and I have always been this way with other partners too. What do you think I am looking for in a partner when you talk about my unmet emotional needs?

I think you look for validation. You want to prove to them that you are worthy of love.

I think that’s your core wound and the main magnet that draws you to sensitive and needy girls. Because you believe that by helping them overcome their problems, and staying by their side, you’ll prove how good of a person you are. That’s what I think.

I don’t think differences in character, such as playfulness, play a major part, because you said yourself that you too can be playful and goofy. You’re not some rigid guy with no sense of humor. You may be less spontaneous and more organized than she is, but spontaneity is not the main attraction point for you, I believe. Rather, it’s the “brokenness”, which you believe you can help fix.

It does feel like I get dragged into that feeling of fulfillment very quick. I like to be exclusive with people straight away basically and I think that’s to do with me being a jealous person. I always ask partners early on if we are exclusive and they all say the same thing ‘I don’t have time for anyone else but you’. It makes me feel special and wanted, fulfilled. Then soon enough we end up in a relationship.

This part is actually quite normal – that you want to be exclusive. We all want to feel special. And also, being exclusive is a guarantee that the girl wants a committed relationship. Because you don’t want something casual. You want her to be dedicated to you.

Your idea that it’s a craving feels so real to me. It genuinely feels like a high I want in my life, already I am so keen to get into a relationship or something exclusive but I know it’s not a good idea. Not until I am actually over my ex at least.

Yeah, you said that without a relationship, you feel dull and bored. In a relationship, your hopes, dreams and longings awaken. Your inner child starts hoping that he will find the perfect love. Not only that he will feel loved, but also lovable. Which means worthy of love. That’s the high he is chasing for.

And I agree, it would be a bad idea to get into another relationship at this point – before you heal that core wound. Because you would end up in a similar situation.

I am glad I am making progress because it does feel like it, only slow progress. But progress is progress! I don’t want to manifest it but I think I have a slow recovery ahead of me.

Yes, you are making progress. It doesn’t matter if it’s slow. These things take time to heal.

Okay it good to hear I was just escaping the lows and avoiding more criticism.

Yes, it’s hard to be around someone who is constantly criticizing you. Constant criticism and blame is emotional abuse too.

I would always wake up and regret not seeing her the next day because I know she would continue to criticize me even then. So a lot of the time my thought was ‘either I go tonight when I don’t want to but tomorrow I will avoid a fight/criticism or I don’t go and tomorrow I am the cause of another argument, another negative she pick at’. This was my thought process for most of this year and it isn’t healthy when I look at it that way. It just seems like a lose-lose situation for me.

Yes, it definitely seems like a lose-lose situation: no good options for you. You’d be criticized no matter what you do.

It would frustrate me so much just knowing each night after work I could be looking at an argument. The alternative was come over to my place but she always had a ‘valid excuse’ to want to stay at home. My excuse of working until 4pm then cleaning, cooking, walking and feeding the dog, making lunches etc. were never an excuse. She actually use to say to me I didn’t have an excuse not to be there for her at times when I genuinely had good reasons.

Yeah, this all seems very egocentric and trying to control you. You needed to do as she pleases, even if objectively you were the one with a job and more responsibilities than her. But she didn’t care about your needs, only about her own.

Okay if she reaches out I will keep it first person. My psych told me not to mention therapy etc. but to say that we both have things we need to do before we reconnect. You think its better to keep first person.

To be honest, if she reaches out any time soon, it would be a disaster if you reconnect, because nothing really changed. She certainly hasn’t done any healing, and you too are only starting to realize what might be the problem and why you might be picking wrong girls. You still need to work on yourself a lot.

That’s why I thought the best would be to give her a polite rejection. Basically, telling her that you need to work on yourself (which is true), but not telling her what she should do, because at this point what really matters is that you work on yourself.

I don’t see it as an assumption really. I see this relationship still as fixable but she needs to do certain things and I believe it is mainly therapy and work.

Yes, but it’s not only she who’d need to change. If you want to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship in the future, you’d need to heal your own wounds. The sense of unworthiness, which I believe is driving your attraction to needy girls. So I’d focus on myself, because that’s the only thing you can control.

I always have reached out to my exes 2-3 months later for some reason just to check in. Would you say this is unwise with this ex? or all in that case?

I would definitely stay away from this ex. She had a destructive impact on you. I’d work hard on my own healing, on healing the obsession you feel about her. That’s why no contact would be super important if you want to heal.

You made a lot of sense today Tee! I appreciate you a lot, you’ve honestly been such a big support for me.

You are most welcome, Adam!

My friends are starting to get over it. They have my best interest at heart because I know they don’t want me going back or getting hurt again in the future. They are supportive overall in say this.

I am glad you have such supportive friends!

I hope I’m not overwhelming you with all this drama. I do want to find this core problem. From what I’ve gathered it’s to do with me finding a sense of worth within a partner? or proving im worthy of love? Is that what your leaning towards?

The latter: your need to prove that you’re worthy of love.

And no, you’re not overwhelming me. I am happy if I can help you get to the root of the problem.

 

Dear Dafne,

I am feeling slightly better, but my healing is very slow and will take time. But I hope I will heal eventually, even if it takes a long time.

The priest did not encourage chasing him but he told me that everything is possible. I told him about his bad behaviour and the sex bit too as it gave him more clarity. The priest said that this man is not himself and may even behave irrationally or promiscuous. Sometimes it is a part of his grieving process and sometimes his heart will never heal. He might be a good man but in a bad place in his life now.

Normally he doesn’t approve women to go after divorced men as they are still healing, having feelings to their ex or in the worst case not divorced at all (only legally separated).

This is a valid point. If the guy is “not himself” and behaving irrationally and promiscuously, would you want to be with him? If he is a good guy (in theory) and his heart will eventually heal, then you better wait till he heals and shows you he is a good guy. Because right now, he behaves very selfishly: he only wants to use you for sex, he doesn’t want to go on dates and get to know you, and his attitude is humiliating (e.g. he has expectations that you should please him sexually and that’s the only thing he talks about).

You should take the guy as he is, not as you want him to be. His behavior right now is pretty abhorrent. That’s the only thing that matters. All the rest is blind hope and wishful thinking.

In my case, he thinks it is too late for us because I told him what I want. At the beginning I should not reveal that I am looking for something serious (dates, affection, feelings etc.). This scares away most men (especially after divorce). He would come back to me at some point and ask me out himself. So he believes it is more about the male psychology.

I don’t agree with him on this one. Is expecting to go on a date with a guy before jumping into bed with him too much to expect? Is it too serious? Too much of a burden for the guy?

Well, that’s not male psychology in general, but how chauvinist males think.

He would come back to me at some point and ask me out himself

He still can, if he decides he wants a normal relationship, not your sexual services. You don’t want him as he is now. If he changes some day and heals (presuming he is “not himself” at the moment), he has your number.

I also might have pushed him away by the constant demands to go out with him. Maybe I should have let him go after the 1 date and wait for him to contact me first. It seems like men want what they can’t have.

He realized he can’t have what he wants (sex without a relationship), that’s why he didn’t reach out. Even if you haven’t messaged him, he wouldn’t have reached out, because he realized you’re not going to give him what he wants.

There is only one way he would be interested in you: if you agreed to have sex with him. No other “tricks” would have made him interested.

 

Dear Caroline,

I feel really anxious and depressed.I could not sleep at night. I hate this life. Sorry if this is too much. I coped with so many similar situations already and seems like I have no one. No one who respects me anymore.

I am sorry this feels so heavy on you suddenly. I guess you really don’t want to tolerate disrespect and abuse any more, which you have been doing for much of your life. You want to do something about it, but at the same time, it feels overwhelming. I totally get it.

You are so worthy of love and respect, Caroline, it’s just that you might have surrounded yourself with people who don’t respect you enough, or you have tolerated their poor treatment, and it kind of got out of hand.

You have followed the same old pattern from your childhood. I think it’s called learned helplessness – you believe you’re helpless in face of people treating you badly. You feel paralyzed to do anything. You feel like a victim. That’s your inner child who is scared. But you have the adult part who is strong and capable, and can protect both yourself and your inner child.

So now it’s time to activate that adult part. However, you don’t need to do everything at once. You don’t need to tell your girlfriend everything that bothers you about her, and end up breaking up with her. You don’t need to cut off relationships with people all of a sudden.

You can express one little thing for starters, e.g. that you prefer not to be called a certain name. Or when your girlfriend tells you you are high maintenance for ordering sushi, you just laugh at it and order it anyway.

So start with something small, start setting boundaries in small things. And then see how people react to it. Does this seem  doable?