Hi Adam,

I think the hardest thing for me is just accepting that in the end she didn’t care.

Well, yeah, in a way, she didn’t care enough to seek therapy for example. Because therapy might have helped her, and in turn, might have helped your relationship too. But you know what – people with trauma sometimes have wounds that they don’t want to look at. It could be that her refusal of therapy and insisting that she’d heal on her own is a form of escape – not wanting to dig deep enough and face those wounds.

What I am trying to say is that her breaking up with you (and not seeking therapy) might have been caused by her fear of facing her pain, not by her not caring enough about you. It’s not about you, it’s probably about her own escapism and fear to face herself.

I am finding it hard to fully move on. It’s been 5 weeks and I feel myself still holding onto things. I am catch myself still wanting to check her socials and even detour past her place at times, I’m not sure why.

Well, 5 weeks is not much time. It’s still fresh and raw. It doesn’t help that you live close by though. That’s making it tougher for you. I’d say the best would be to move, but then again, you just bought a house there, right? You can’t really move to a different place, right?

I just found it really odd that she got the exact same jumper as the one she returned, I obviously left an impression on her in someway.

So it was your jumper that she was wearing, and she returned it to you when you broke up? Perhaps she really likes that type of jumper and that’s why she bought the same type…

I think you’re right, she never seemed open to therapy. She did mention if things get really bad we would do couple therapy but she told me she knows we can always work things out.

Yeah, and you “worked it out” by her breaking up and then reconciling on her terms… It seems like manipulation, Adam. You never worked out anything, except you becoming more and more tolerant of her moods and her bad treatment of you.

She knows she needs therapy she is just avoiding it. She admitted after our last break up that it was completely reasonable and she does need it.

Sounds like she agreed it’s a reasonable thing to do, because that’s what you wanted to hear. But she never really sought therapy – instead, whenever she got upset, she simply broke up with you. That was easier than therapy. Which means she wasn’t willing to work on herself or change anything about herself.

The bad break ups started happening before she reduced her medication. Probably due to the trauma and her reading into everything.

Oh I see. So she was quick to break up even when still on medication. It seems that’s her go-to defense mechanism: to escape, to flee the uncomfortable situation. It’s one of the 3 typical trauma responses: fight-flight-freeze. Hers seems to be to flee.

I don’t know if later she started using it to manipulate you, but in any case, it seems that rather than facing herself, she rather flees the relationship, because for her, that’s a “safer” (less painful) option.

In saying that reducing her medication definitely caused problems towards the end. It was always revolving around her withdrawals. My psych found it odd that it’s still occurring saying she shouldn’t be getting withdrawals every 2 weeks, might just be another cop out.

I don’t know anything about withdrawing from an antidepressants, and what the process looks like, but I am sure that doing it on your own, without professional help, is hard, if not impossible. I mean, there is a reason why she was on antidepressants – most likely because she wasn’t able to deal with her emotional states and regulate herself. If she hasn’t resolved her trauma, I don’t see a reason why she would be able to get off medication just like that. Basically to pull herself by her own bootstraps. That’s not how healing works.

I did trust that she would heal on her own.

Yes, you wanted to trust her, because she told you to trust her, didn’t she? You would suggest therapy from time to time, but I guess she convinced you she doesn’t need therapy and that she had a bad experience with therapy. She was certain she’d manage on her own – she even gave you the time frame of approx. 6 months to get off medication. So I guess she sounded very convincing and sure that she can do it alone, and so you trusted her?

I was very accepting of her moods as well. But I did show resistance because it started affecting me and I think she realised I was acting different. Only she didn’t want to accept that it was due to her “healing process”.

Yeah, that was unfair of her. Because she denied any responsibility for her moods, but rather blamed you for being insensitive, right?

I actually told her myself that I don’t say much to her because I know she is easily triggered especially while reducing medication. I also told her that she will do it all herself but I will be there the whole way. So I guess I was saying ‘I’ll take whatever you throw at me because I trust you are going to heal so in the meantime focus on yourself and treat me however you feel”. It honestly seemed like that’s what I was trying to tell her and I was okay with it.

Yeah, you really wanted to believe that she’d heal on her own. And also, you made a vow to yourself that you’d stick by her side as long as necessary (in part to prove that you’re a good and worthy partner). It’s almost like you believed it’s a storm and you need to hunker down till it passes. Except in this case, she was the source of the storm, and she wasn’t really doing anything to lessen it, on the contrary, she let things loose.

Yes I definitely adore the spontaneity. At first we hit it off however the next day she told me she can’t talk and needs to figure herself out… foreshadowing early on.

Maybe she was aware of how difficult she is in relationships. Maybe she was also aware of her tendency to escape when things get tough.

I left my number and said msg me anytime! She ended up texting me a few weeks later and I knew she would, that gut feeling was there. Again we hit it off and basically hung out the next day and the rest is history. So she almost chased me at first, she instigated the first date etc and I loved that. I feel like she got more uptight and judgemental of me as time went on.

Yeah, she seems to have dropped her guard for a while in the beginning and wanted to give it a try. But then soon enough her trauma got the best of her, and she just started reacting from her wounds. And she started blaming you, breaking up with you etc.

They were basically her exact words Tee. She didnt feel like she was her true self when she was on medication and she wanted to be off them. She wanted off them because she didn’t want to live her life on medication and she wanted to feel and enjoy things not on any medication basically.

Yeah, I get where she is coming from, but as I said, there is a reason why she was on medication. If she isn’t able to function normally without medication, then being off medication isn’t something to aim for, specially if she refuses therapy.

And let me just also note that the way she was with you a lot of the times – moody, emotionally abusive, not willing to accept responsibility for her behavior – that’s not her true self either. That’s her wounded self. So unfortunately she didn’t come closer to her true self in this “healing” attempt.

I think she thought something was wrong with her. She asked me many times if I thought something was wrong with her too.

Well, something was wrong with her in the sense that she was hurt and her emotions were overwhelming. She couldn’t emotionally regulate herself. But there is nothing wrong with her deep down, at the core.

A lot of traumatized children believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, that they are inherently faulty. I believed that too. Because my mother criticized me all the time, so I believed that I must be defective to my core. That was a false belief, the one that caused me great pain and suffering. But eventually, I’ve managed to heal it, and therapy helped me a lot (though it was a long process).

Perhaps she had a similar false belief – that something is fundamentally wrong with her. A good therapy would have helped her, but she was afraid of it, it seems.

I really did fall in love with her in the beginning and maybe that’s all it is. I loved her at the start but eventually there wasn’t much to love. Although I still did love her.

It seems you fell in love with a laid back version of her. Which wasn’t her true self, or rather, it wasn’t the personality that she could sustain, because her trauma would hijack her personality. And I guess that’s what you saw later in the relationship: her traumatized self hijacking and consuming the relationship.

You kept loving her, because you wanted to believe that your love will help her heal. But the truth is that she didn’t really want to heal. Because true healing means facing ourselves and our emotional wounds. So to be more precise, she didn’t really want to do the work necessary for healing. And that’s why you couldn’t help her either.

She really left a mark on me and I feel like I want to chase that high again that we had on the beginning. Whether it’s with her or another person I think that’s what I want to feel at the moment but I know eventually good things will come.

It’s good to know what you are craving: the high of meeting someone and believing that they are “the one”. When there is a hole inside of us, we have that deep longing for someone – someone with whom we’ll finally feel fulfilled. You said you’ve always longed for a partner, ever since you were a teen. It could be that you’ve longed for someone with whom you can feel that sense of bliss and oneness, which would finally fill the hole. Does this ring true? Do you feel there is a hole inside of you that needs to be filled?

I have a psych appointment tomorrow I’ll let you know how it goes!

Oh good, I am looking forward to it!

Dear Emily,

I’ve realized that you’ve written before, in 2019 and 2021. What you’ve described back then are very difficult circumstances in your childhood, where you were exposed to quite severe emotional abuse and neglect by your parents, and other people too. I am sorry all of that happened to you 🙁

You did report in 2021 that you managed to get some therapy: I was put in intensive therapy for CPTSD and general trauma and learned that I was a textbook codependent.

You understood that you were conditioned to put everyone else’s needs before your own: I was trained from birth to only ever care about what other people wanted and let everyone treat me however they liked just to keep the peace.

You’ve also learned how to respond to unhealthy situations and how to “reprogram” your brain: I’ve had to learn a lot of new terminology and learn what is/isn’t a normal and healthy response to certain behaviour or situations. I’m a programmer at heart and I view this as reprogramming my brain.

I would like to ask, if you’d care to answer: how are you now in terms of healing, setting boundaries, respecting yourself and your own needs? How is your life in other areas, apart from love life?

If I am counting well, you are now 38, so everything is possible, in theory, including motherhood, for which you’ve expressed interest (I still want to do all of the things that we planned to do a decade ago. I never got to travel with him, do all that romantic stuff, get engaged, married, build a home and family together).

But of course, you’d need to find a suitable man first. And not only that, but you’d need to feel good about yourself before you can actually build a happy life with someone else.

Maybe this is obvious and I am talking platitudes – but still, would you like to share a bit about your life now, 4 years after you first wrote?

Hi SereneWolf,

Oh I’m sorry to hear that, But it’s really impressive it’s been a while and you’re still standing strong with hope. Love that. Your strong spirit is helping you for not getting weaker. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks. It’s a challenge, but I simply have to keep up hope, because otherwise it would become very hard, I’d easily slip into depression. And I need to battle that.

Yeah but cats doesn’t smile like dogs, So I’m worried if she’s happy with me lol

Haha, cats don’t do anything if they’re not happy – they always put themselves first. So she must be happy 🙂

Well is that her overconfidence or she found some loophole?

She is hoping she found or will find a loophole in your armor, I guess.

I’m not sure, It’s been a while since I’m little vulnerable with someone, She’s understanding so we talk about lot of stuff. And yeah, I did have physical cravings for so long. That includes hand holdings to all the way to sleeping together.

Okay, if you also talk about your own vulnerability, and perhaps your own fears, and she is understanding, that’s good. I guess you appreciate her being understanding and not judging you, right?

But the thing is that even though I have attachment issues, I do get attached with women even though it’s not only for sex. Otherwise FWB would be easier for me. Because even for sex I need to have at least good level of trust, bond and attraction.

I’ve just looked up how FWB is defined. And it doesn’t necessarily exclude emotional bond, but the most significant feature is lack of commitment. You said you have fear of commitment. It also makes you uncomfortable to say “I love you” (or to hear her say it), I guess because it carries a future expectation of a committed relationship. So I guess if there is fear of the future and fear of commitment, even though you’re enjoying things at the moment, I guess that would still be defined as FWB.

From the PsychCentral? I mean like does that mean we should do everything out of love not for the love?

Not sure I understand your question. The article talks about how it’s easy to fall in love, when hormones are high and we might be seeing the person through rose-colored glasses. But once the honeymoon phase is over, we need to make an effort to understand the person, to work on ourselves and our own issues, to not project things on them etc. In that sense, love requires effort.

Yes even in Twitter just influencer gurus are everywhere, Do this and change your life, 7 figure income in your 20s and blah blah blah they make it sounds so easy, and be like it’s that easy why you’re not doing it?

Okay, so try to reduce reading about those mega success stories, because it makes you feel bad about yourself. And it would make most people bad about themselves. It’s the worse when we compare ourselves to others, and that’s exactly what your father and grandfather were doing to you, and now you’re doing it to yourself.

Yes mam, I have some interviews soon

I wish you success!

My father’s mother. After that he never tried to hit me or even raise his voice to my mother or me. Like I said only two times it happened but it was traumatic enough for me, Before I was in primary school and I don’t even remember it properly, But also that time I raised my voice at him.

It’s emotional abuse even it happened one or two times?

You mean he tried to hit you and your mother only twice? But I thought he’d get angry with you often and scolded you for even the slightest mistake. You said he made you feel dumb whenever you made a mistake (the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb). He was also comparing you to other students, telling you you should be grateful for the material support he is providing and why can’t you learn better. He was also having perfectionist expectations on you. All this is emotional abuse, even though he wasn’t physically violent.

I mean, his criticism didn’t happen only twice, right? He wasn’t displeased with you only twice, but it was a common theme, it happened all the time. You grew up feeling not good enough, due to his constant criticism and shaming. That’s emotional abuse, SereneWolf, not emotional neglect.

Just today Me and my brother talked to him on conference call, He was like you’re both adults you should know things I shouldn’t have to tell you. and I told him clearly that I don’t prefer just assuming things, whatever is it just say things clearly. He’s like no you’re adults you should be aware about this. and the matter was that my grandparents are sick so he be like me and my brother are irrepressible for not knowing to offer for more financial help. I mean we knew that they’re sick but how we’d know that they need more help? and he was like I waited for days that you’d call and offer? I’m like what? Just don’t wait and tell me things like that directly! He was like this is common sense so you should know. Really made me angry

Yeah, that’s passive aggression, I’d say. He doesn’t want to say what he needs directly, but is scolding you and your brother for not reading his mind and assuming what he needs. He is making you guilty for something that’s not your fault at all.

YES EXACTLY! He think everything he does is right and it always other’s fault.

Not willing to take responsibility for one’s actions and always blaming others is a mark of a toxic personality. It seems he is now less “in your face” about his expectations, but still does that indirectly, without saying it out loud, but still you can feel the sting.

Yes it made me so desperate to just earn and live on my own, I didn’t wanted to be burden on them. They always made me feel like they did so much for me and it felt like burden to me!

Yes, they (your father and grandfather) made you feel guilty if you brought home anything less than straight As, right? They made themselves into martyrs, while you were the bad, ungrateful son/grandson for disappointing them and “torturing” them like that.

That was putting so much pressure on you. No wonder you felt like a burden – because they made you feel like one. And then you left home, because you didn’t want to be guilt-tripped by them any more, right? You rejected their “nurturance”. You told your father: “I don’t need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things.” So you were fed up with his guilt tripping and making you feel like a burden. You decided to be on your own. “Self-sufficient” at 16.

But do you see how this “self-sufficiency” is a defense mechanism? It was born out of being blamed all the time, feeling like a burden all the time, and wanting to break free from that. With moving out, you basically told your father “I don’t need anything from you”. But that’s not true – the child always needs support from their parents, both material and emotional. But this was a defense mechanism, because you didn’t want to endure that blame and guilt-tripping any more.

So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelor’s first then I was blaming myself that I didn’t focused on my studies like other people otherwise I’d be more educated now…

In order to support yourself, you had to work, and so no wonder that you couldn’t get your bachelor’s degree on time. But then you blamed yourself for not studying enough like other people. Well, now it’s time to stop blaming yourself and understand that leaving home was a self-protection mechanism, born out of despair and not wanting to be abused any more.  So instead of blaming yourself, try to find compassion for yourself – for the young boy of 16 who ventured out into the world to support himself, because his family was emotionally so cruel to him. So rejecting. So conditional love.

And congratulate yourself because you’ve managed to get your bachelor’s later on, in spite of working full time, which is always much harder. And now you’re even in the process of getting a master’s degree, if I remember well? So congratulate yourself for all your educational achievements, even if you got them a few years later than planned, due to objective circumstances.

Remember, you’re not lazy and “good for nothing”, but it’s that you needed to work in parallel with studying, which makes you actually a high achiever. Even though your father believes you are “less than”, tell yourself that you are a high achiever and very resilient. Because you made it in spite of the objective difficulties.

I searched it’s called experience-dependent neuroplasticity. When we focus on the good, Good happens. It’s about positive mindset or positive perspective of life

Oh yes, neuroplasticity is a great thing, because our neural circuits can literally change as we focus on positive things and start having a more positive mindset.

So currently what internal challenges that I have? What do you think?

Well, it seems like you’re still comparing yourself to others in terms of professional success, and are feeling “less than” and that you haven’t achieved enough etc. I hope what I said above might help you put things into perspective and have more empathy for yourself and your life path so far.

Right I’m just trying to consume less information. There’s just too much noise everywhere. In this noise it feels like my own inner voice is getting lost.

Yes, try to focus less on other people’s achievements. Don’t compare yourself to others. We all have our individual stories and our unique challenges. We also all have different lessons to learn in life. You only need to focus on yourself and your own life.

Dear Caroline,

We did not saw each other much since that time, only some birthday party and couple of phone calls. She seems nice and different. So I can’t really tell the vibe right now. Is it a phase or is it now different.

You mean you saw each other last weekend, and after that you were together on a birthday party, and you spoke on the phone a couple of times? How did she behave during the birthday party? Was she a bit distant (even if polite)? Did she seem offended or hurt a bit, or anything like that?

I told her she was being mean to me, treating me like I am her younger brother or something, calling me names and mocking.

Good that you were specific enough!

 That’s how I feel, like we are siblings and we show each other’s affection by mocking. Except it’s not affection, it’s just siblings who hate each other dynamic.

Actually you said earlier that you are always kind to her. Or at most you stay silent to her mocking. So you don’t behave like you hate her, right? You haven’t been mocking her back, or treating her harshly?

She just said she was sorry. And then started to be nicer but, as you wrote, and as I also wrote, it’s like she is in power and allows me to do things. She decides.

Yes, it seems she is very identified with that parent/superior role, only now she is trying to be nice.

And what I want is: when I want to do something, even if she doesn’t agree or doesn’t approve I still want to do it. Sometimes alone and sometimes with her, if the situation requires like buying something together or going to see a movie that I like.

It’s great that you know what you want. So basically, if you want to do something, you still want to do it, regardless of whether she approves or not. And the good thing is that it only depends on you whether you do it or not. You don’t need her permission.

For example, if you want sushi, and she makes a mocking remark (that you are high maintenance), you still order sushi. If you want to see a movie, and she says no that’s a stupid movie, you still go and see it, either alone or with a friend. If you want to paint your room, and she says no you can’t, you don’t get discouraged, you don’t fight with her either, you simply go ahead and do it. You’d need to develop that inner strength and determination that says “this is what I want, I am allowed to have it, and I will have it.”

I decided we won’t be going shopping together anymore, I just don’t want it.

I think it’s a very good decision! Because you said you tend to be indecisive about what to buy, and you used to ask her a lot. So now, when you’re shopping, try to relax, be in the moment and feel in your gut what you really want. For example, do you want this flavor or that flavor – try to imagine each flavor and decide which one you like better.

Try to listen to your body and your gut, let that guide you when making purchasing decisions. With a little practice, with some trial and error, I am sure you’ll become much more adept in knowing what you want and need. And you won’t be so insecure and in need of her approval.

The way she told me we are going to this concert that I would like to go, even though I never said I want to, she just assumed because I like this artist. So she is generous and wants to take me there. How to change this? I do not need her to give me those things, I want to make my own decisions. I want to buy an avocado or sushi or paint my room without her command: “NO, don’t”, “stop it”.

How to change this? – Well, I think the first step is that you need to be more certain of yourself. You need to stop needing her approval and permission. You need to stop caring so much about her opinion. That’s how you develop more inner strength and autonomy.

And then, or at the same time, you can talk to her about it. You can say what you told me here: “I don’t need you to take me there, I don’t need your permission to go there. I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell me what I can or cannot do. I’d appreciate if you didn’t decide for me. I can make my own decisions.”

You can practice saying that in front of the mirror and see how it feels. You don’t need to tell her immediately, but just practice it with yourself.

I know she is fed up with her mother buying stupid things but I don’t think she goes shopping with her anymore. She is just fed up and angry. and takes it out on me. And I have had enough.

Good! You don’t have to take it any more. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. Even if she might be comparing you to her mother, or whatever other issue she may have, that’s not an excuse to take it out on you. So you’d need to tell her what bothers you and how you’d like to be treated instead.

You can tell her something like: “I don’t like it when you try to prevent me from doing the things I like. When you object every purchasing decision I make and tell me no, you can’t have it. I am an adult, I earn my own money and I would appreciate if you treated me like an adult.”

I think I will be more mindful of what I am saying, whether I am asking her for permission, suggestion, or say things that sound like I am.

Yes, that’s a good decision too – to pay attention to what you’re communicating. Because if you sound like asking for permission, she might just automatically disagree with everything, due to her subconscious programming.

And whether she is commanding me, and what is her general response to things I want to do/buy.

Yes, that’s excellent too – pay close attention to her words and if it’s really a command and she wants to control you, or it’s some automatic reaction.

I do not care anymore to offend her, I am really angry about this.

You have the right to stand up for yourself. That’s not offensive. If she gets offended, that’s your clue that something’s not right.

I have no idea what else should I do to get my power back.

Those are all great ideas: going shopping alone, being more mindful about your own communication, and hers as well. Express what you are bothered with more freely. You can do it in a polite, calm voice, but still determined.

Also, when you go shopping, and in other situations too, pay attention to your own needs and wants, listen to yourself. Because you’ve been taught to diminish yourself, to give up your needs and wants. So you’d need to reverse that, in order to develop more self-confidence and inner power.

I do not feel respected. I feel like a stupid child often. Tee, do you think there is a chance this could be changed?

The only thing you can do is start respecting yourself more. To stop feeling like a stupid child. So the only thing you can really change is the inner feeling. And you can start communicating that self-respect more to her, both by being more confident and also by telling her how you would like to be treated. That’s what you can do. It’s actually quite a lot, so you’ve got many tools in your arsenal.

However, what you cannot control is her reaction to you. You cannot control if she starts respecting you and treating you differently. You’ll have to see about that. But you can start taking charge of your side of the equation.

How does this sound? Does it feel overwhelming or it sounds doable?

Dear Katrine,

how have you been? Has he arrived to Portugal? Did you manage to talk to him since?

I hope your visit home was a good one and that you managed to refresh a little.

Hey SereneWolf,

my condition is still fluctuating, so I am still looking for something to give me better relief. But not losing hope, so…

Well now she does. She just comes and sleeps on my lap or belly occasionally. She also let me pet her head when she’s in the mood otherwise my finger is like a chewing toy for her.

Good – seems she is getting more tame as the time goes by 🙂

I mean yeah I know that that’s what relationship is about sharing intimacy. So I didn’t mean only for grief, Obviously something more than that

Yeah, sure, sharing intimacy, being vulnerable, opening up when something is bothering us… it’s precious to have someone we can do that with, without being judged and ridiculed.

I feel she’s acting like one of my first LDR (Long-term) girl, She also acted like this because she doesn’t want to lose contact. I guess she still may have hope that she can change things.

Yes, I think so too. She is hoping you would come around and start really bonding with her. She is hoping she’ll melt you finally 🙂

And we did talked about it very openly and I said if we still continue like this it would be harder to move on later on. She said she is aware of this but she said she would even like this regret.

Okay, she is taking the conscious risk…

So I said it’s not wrong to create more memories together. But I did said I’m not sure so we still take things slowly… and I accept I do crave things from her that’s why I’m not able to directly say No to her.

What are you craving from her?

What you really think women get attached than men? But yeah for this case yes.

I think that women bond quicker emotionally if there is sex involved. So if you keep having sex, she’ll definitely get even more attached, while for you it’s a question, specially since you have attachment issues. But it seems she is willing to take that risk, since she is hoping you might change (or that she might change you)…

Yes, mainly work and career related things. Maybe I should use LinkedIn less. It makes me feel behind and somewhat jealous and question my abilities. In LinkedIn there are informative stuff but also lot of “Success” posting so..

Yeah, maybe it’s like Facebook – you start comparing yourself to other people and start feeling less than… so probably LinkedIn is something that triggers your inner critic and makes you feel bad about yourself. Maybe it would be better if you didn’t read those success stories, but only the information related to job openings…

Also lot of company is laying off people, so I just started to apply for different positions while ago which is also the stressful situation because even after applying for lot of job there isn’t much positive feedback yet

Are you still trying to find a completely remote job, so you can work from anywhere?

Yeah that’s like we talked before, Even though your father was aware he wasn’t able to protect you, So is my mother. And another thing I guess I didn’t told you is that my mother was worried about physical fight and something would happen to me, because if I remember only two times my father lost control and tried to physically hurt me and also hurt my mother when she tried to save me and when I saw that I didn’t showed him respect like I don’t care who you are you can’t treat us like that it would made him even more angry he be like you can’t disrespect me like that don’t raise your voice in front of me. And I would just be like this is nonsense and go to my room and not talk him for a day or two. And yet all my family (Not my siblings) is like it’s just his anger he didn’t mean any harm. I’m like I’m the kid here or is he’s the kid that he can’t even control his anger? You can bow down to his anger but I won’t. Literally even my relatives says like oh just ignore that he just have some anger tendencies… A good son shouldn’t disrespect his father. But that time only my grandma told him like what are you even doing? That’s how you treat your kids? and he did accept that it was his fault and he’s sorry. Only to my grandma not in front of me. Otherwise, his “pride” would hurt. And after that my mother knew that If anything happens again I’d disrespect him again and it would make things worse between us.

Oh I see. So he was physically aggressive once and even hit your mother when she tried to protect you. And since then your mother was afraid for both you and herself, and was trying to reason with you not to talk back and provoke him even more. She tried to calm you (the child) down, so you wouldn’t provoke him (the adult)?

It seems your father wasn’t just an emotionally bully, but also potentially a physical bully, and there was a danger of domestic violence. And so your mother did everything to prevent that violence – by basically being obedient and trying to appease him, and also trying to control you and reason with you to be more “mature” (even if you were just a child).

Your mother unfortunately didn’t dare to challenge your father and demand that he controls his anger. Maybe she feared she would attack her too? I guess what made things worse is that men’s anger and aggressive behavior were societally acceptable, since everybody was excusing your father, as if he “didn’t mean anything bad”. Your grandfather was similar in character to him, and I guess your father actually received a similar treatment from his own father, right?

It was only your grandmother (your father’s mother?) who warned him and he sort of admitted that it wasn’t the right thing to do. After that, has he tried to hit you or your mother again, or that was the only incident?

But I guess his mindset didn’t change much. He thought he can yell at you and bully you as much as he pleases, while you should stay silent and “respect” your father. That father is “god” and children shouldn’t talk back. A very toxic attitude.

And I guess you didn’t want to bow down to him, you didn’t want to show respect to him, and that’s what caused friction. And I guess that’s why you left home so early?

Yes that’s right and the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb. He be like I did this and that and some people are not even able to provide daily necessities to their kids and yet they’re performing well then what do you need?

He was extremely toxic, SereneWolf. He brutally criticized and shamed you for even the slightest mistake. No wonder you got traumatized by that. He expected you to be “grateful” for the material stuff that he was providing, while of course you couldn’t be grateful when he was putting you down so mercilessly.

Emotional support is much more important for a child than having material abundance. He gave zero emotional support. What you experienced from him was emotional abuse. (In the beginning you said you’re suffering from childhood emotional neglect. Well, this was not neglect, this was emotional abuse.)

They didn’t tell this to my face but I knew their thinking and I did like studying they never had to tell me like go and study like my siblings. They still believe I’m a “good performing” student even though my attention span and curiosity for studying is worse now

Who is “they”? Your father and grandfather?

No wonder you started having issues at school later – it could have been a consequence of the emotional abuse you’ve been experiencing at home. You were under so much pressure you couldn’t take it any more. It could have even been a way of rebelling too. Sometimes we rebel because we can’t bear to be oppressed like that. I guess one way you rebelled was to leave home, but perhaps having issues at school was another way, only subconscious?

I don’t remember what’s that term called but it’s like what you think is what you see? So I guess if I’m hearing good things about myself, I do feel good things about myself and after that I notice even more better things..

That’s great! Maybe the term you’re looking for is self-fulfilling prophecy: you expect good things, and then good things happen to you. And vice versa. In any case, I am glad that you’re more open to praise and that it helps you feel better about yourself.

Ah the feeling of satisfied with myself! Damn when will I get that?

When you heal your inner child and completely dismiss the inner critic… but you’re doing great, you’re making progress…

Yeah that drill sergeant! I do think most of the time he’s not even there he just comes up when I’m feeling down about something and I do try to listen to Good general (Uncle Iroh)

Now I do have friendly inner voice and him. Like I said before I act like I’m my own friend and try to handle the situation if I’m telling myself bad things and Uncle Iroh kinda makes it even better.

Maybe the drill sergeant shows up when you’re looking at LinkedIn and start comparing yourself with others? This voice is actually your father’s and grandfather’s voice, because they were always comparing you with others. It’s great you have Uncle Iroh as the antidote!

Just yesterday I read on a post that says “Love is not just a feeling, It is a daily choice that we make.” What does that mean? Can you elaborate if you know?

Well, one explanation could be that love is not just words (“I love you”), it’s also deeds – the things we do to show our love and appreciation every day. Okay, I’ve just looked it up, and the first thing that came up in search was an article titled “Why love is a choice you make every day.”

The article is worth reading, but basically the main point is: “It may feel easy to find love at first – your hormones are leading the way. Building love, which implies emotional intimacy, may take effort and action.”

You are welcome, Sammie. Thank you for your good wishes and Godspeed to you too!

I will be happy to hear from you some time in the future. Have a great adventure! 🙂

Dear Caroline,

I think what you’re going through is normal. On one hand, you feel angry that people don’t respect you and sometimes even bully you, and that you haven’t done much about it so far:

I feel really depressed knowing how many people treated me like this. I am afraid no one would ever respect me because people know they can bully me.

It got so heavy suddenly when I realized how much I listen to other people, how they impact my decisions, my life. Things I buy, I eat etc. It’s so easy for people to manipulate me.

So you feel angry both at yourself and at other people, right?

At the same time, you fear standing up for yourself. You fear confrontation:

The worst is.. I am afraid of confrontation. I am scared of talking about this. Me? Standing up for myself?

And you are judging yourself for it:

So….pathetic.

So you fear confrontation, and you judge yourself for it at the same time. You believe you are weak, right?

I think the first thing is to just be aware of the mix of emotions you’re feeling at the moment: anger at others, anger at yourself, fear to stand up for yourself, and judgment of yourself for being “weak.”

It’s all natural. The first thing you can do to help yourself is to feel compassion for yourself. Feel compassion for your weak and scared part (your inner child), don’t judge yourself.

There is a reason why you are scared – because you’ve never stood up for yourself before and you’ve learned from your mother that one shouldn’t either. Your mother both shamed you and gave you a bad example of how to deal with other people’s bullying and disrespect: to just “suck it up”. To become small and invisible. To contract into yourself. To not provoke anybody. To not contradict. To not stand up for yourself.

So that’s the pattern you are battling with. It’s not your fault that you have it – you’ve learned it and adopted it in your childhood. So try to have compassion for yourself and for your child part who was taught to stay silent.

In short, don’t judge yourself for being where you are. You’ve got to start somewhere. Slowly but surely, you’ll start turning around that pattern. One small victory at a time.

As for the anger, it’s good to feel the healthy anger towards people who were/are bullying you. That helps us do something about it and set boundaries.

As for your girlfriend’s treatment of you, perhaps you’ve got into this dynamic where you are indecisive and often ask for her opinion, and then she starts treating you like a child and patronizing you:

I realized she tells me to do or not to do things all the time, and the reason might be that I ask her about everything. While we are shopping I ask her “should we buy this” “maybe I will buy this” and she almost always says “No, don’t”. “You can’t afford it” “Why do you need this” and it’s always on grocery shopping that she cares about spending too much money (my money buying my things – and I have my own money). When it comes to buying cds online or expensive things for herself she doesn’t have that much problem. I really must stop asking her, I have to just take things I want, with no asking, no waiting for reassurance. Maybe I am the problem that I lack confidence and I ask her everything. So she became so bossy because I have no opinion of my own.

Yes, it’s possible that you are insecure and she feels like a parent to you. But also, she might be projecting stuff on you, like you said, due to her issues with her mother:

I think maybe it’s the pattern at her home: her mother doesn’t work and she spends too much, she buys things she doesn’t need for kitchen, plates, glasses, clocks, all kinds of necessary things and she pays for this from her husband’s money. And I noticed while we were visiting them that he sometimes jokes about her, it’s very similar. So it’s like this: she spends a lot of money for stupid things and he jokes about her, sometimes it’s rude.

I can imagine this can be an issue for your girlfriend: she has a mother who is a compulsive buyer (basically a shopping addict), and whom she is trying to prevent from over-spending. It’s very likely that her trying to prevent unnecessary buying became a reflex for her, and she’s doing it to you too, even if you’re not the same as her mother.

Over time, as you get more confident about your purchasing decisions, you’ll probably be asking your girlfriend less for “approval” of what you should buy. And if she tries to stop you, you can tell her that you understand her concerns, but that you’re not her mother and are not a shopping addict. And that you’d prefer if she wouldn’t try to prevent every purchase of yours.

So my girlfriend kind of projects this on me, I think. I once asked her why she is so mean while grocery shopping and she once told me she used to shop with her mother and she would go around the shop for hours choosing stupid and unnecessary things to buy.

There you go: she is very likely projecting on you. And she is even aware of it. So next time you go grocery shopping, you can remind her of that, and ask her to please not try to stop you from buying the things you need and like.

We rarely talk about this. I think it got worse when she lost her dog and did not process those emotions. She yells at the cat and it’s for no reason, it’s stupid really. I know it’s because of the dog. And the new job perhaps, she gets angry, anxious, I think this job stresses her out but also gave her confidence that she earns money and works in this environment, she became more presumptuous.

Okay, so as you become more confident in standing up for yourself in small things, you can also start talking about emotions with her. In particular about her anger that she is so freely dumping on you. You can say that you notice she has angry outbursts both at you and the cat, and that you don’t appreciate being at the receiving end of her anger. You can say that you’re willing to talk to her about what’s bothering her, but that you’d appreciate a more loving communication on her part.

You don’t need to say all that at once – like bring up all the issues at the same time. But you can start setting a boundary here and there, e.g. not let her anger escalate but say that you don’t feel comfortable being at the receiving end of it, and that you’d appreciate if she would calm down a bit.

And then you’ll see how she reacts to those remarks – whether she is open to self-correcting or she starts deflecting and blaming you.

I texted her yesterday, she asked why I am so sad. I said about this name calling and being rude. She said she was sorry and that I should have told her because she didn’t know. So she obviously doesn’t remember I already told her this once. Not sure if she said sorry about this pet name only or overall being rude. We are going to meet today, I’ll see how that goes.

It’s a good sign if she apologized at least for something. She might be taking you for granted, because that’s what some people in long-term relationships do. And since you haven’t really said anything when she was rude to you, it kind of spiraled out of control. Maybe she is not a mean person, but her anger got the best of her. Well now, she has a chance to self-correct. I hope she will be open to change and to listening to you.

I am rooting for you, Caroline! You can do it. Remember: you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Therefore, it’s okay to stand up for yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.