Hi Adam,

Your summary about it was good. It really felt that way, like if I say or do anything to unsettle her a bit then I wasn’t being a good partner to her.

Okay, so I’ll repeat her stance: “I don’t need you to tell me how to live my life. Just do what I ask of you and don’t complain.”

That’s a pretty selfish attitude, don’t you think? She didn’t care about how you felt, she was only interested in her own needs. And if you asked anything for yourself, or tried to point out at some things, she accused you of being selfish and condescending. You had no say in that relationship. And by the end, you said you lost yourself completely. You became a shell, in order to please her.

I won’t go into too much but I went to prison a few years ago when I was about 21-22. It wasn’t for long but it wasn’t fun either. When people go on about ‘what I’ve been through’ I think this is what they mean.

Oh I am sorry about that. That is a big trauma. And it might have impacted you in some ways, even if you don’t think about it any more.

May I ask: was she the first relationship after you got out of prison? Because it may contribute to the strong attachment that you feel towards her…

I think I believed a lot about what she said. After our last fight I went outside to get some fresh air and I remember crying telling myself I’m a shit boyfriend and I should be doing better. She made me feel inadequate.

Okay, so you did believe that you were selfish and not good enough. She made you feel inadequate and you believed it. You are now starting to realize that those might have been unjust accusations, but there is still a part of you that believes they are true:

I think I’m realizing now it was unjust accusations however I still feel like I lack in some departments from being told I am so often,

A part of you still believes you are a bad person, and that this is the reason she rejected you:

You’re right I do feel rejected as a person not just a partner. The fact that I couldn’t even get broken up with in person after nearly a year is difficult.

Another part of you – the rational part – knows you deserve better, and that you were abused in that relationship:

I know what I deserve though and it’s a lot better than what I got. I need to treat myself with that love though because I never really got it from her.

Yes, you would need to treat yourself with love. You still seem to want  to get that love and validation from her. Because a part of you believes you are unlovable, you’re not good enough, you are a bad person.

This wounded part – who believes you are unlovable and not good enough – is your inner child. I don’t know how and when it developed (whether in childhood or later), but it is still driving you. And I think it’s the reason behind your strong longing for her.

Because it could be that you see her as some sort of authority who should validate you and tell you that you’re a good and lovable person. That you’re worthy. That’s the feeling I get. And that’s why you can’t let her go, even if you’ve suffered so much in that relationship.

Our inner child (which is our emotional, wounded part) is incredibly strong. You can’t overwrite its desire and longing with reason. It can also give us that destined feeling, that you’re talking about.

If I am right, then nothing will help you let go, until you get in touch with that wounded part and give it the love and appreciation it craves. Until you give yourself love. You, the adult Adam, should be a good, loving parent for your inner child.

What do you think?

Hi Adam,

you’re very welcome!

I think what I wanted for her was the same however the way I thought she should go about it was far different from the way she wanted to.

Yeah, possibly. You both wanted her to heal. But you had different ideas of how to go about it. You said you did respect her attempt to wean off medication on her own and get over the “hump”. However, it wasn’t getting better at all, it was getting worse. So the hump wasn’t a hump, it became a permanent state of dysregulation and suffering. But she refused to try anything else…

Maybe to her I was someone who was getting in the way of how she wanted to heal. She did say she didn’t ‘need me’.

Well, I think she did need you in that protector role. She needed you to be on standby 24/7 and meet all her needs. But she also didn’t want you to have any demands or expectations on her. So perhaps her stance could be summarized as: “I don’t need you to tell me how to live my life. Just do what I ask of you and don’t complain.”

I may suffer from a low self esteem. My mother, best friend and even my ex all said I am too hard on myself and I should be proud of my achievements and where I’m at after everything I’ve been through

What is it that you have been through, if I may ask? Has there been a trauma that you went through?

I know I am hard on myself, I’m the first person to always admit fault and judge myself. I feel like I can’t switch it off at times but deep down I do love me.

Yes, you did say that all of your exes judged you. And because you’re quick to judge yourself too, you might have actually believed what your ex told you (that you’re not giving her enough attention, that you’re insensitive etc). I wonder how much you recognized her words as unjust accusations and how much you actually believed what she said?

I think at the moment my self esteem is low and I’m depressed but in general I’m not. I am confident and comfortable in my own skin, I always told my ex this and I wanted her to have that feeling.

There is a difference between self-confidence and self-esteem. Self-esteem is deeper: it’s a sense that you are worthy just because you exist. You don’t need to do anything to “earn” your worth. You are worthy just by being born.

Self-confidence is when you feel good about yourself because of some skill, talent or outer achievement. You are confident that you can sing, for example, because you are a talented singer. Some people have self-confidence, but they don’t have self-esteem. Because they believe that unless they perform well enough or have certain achievements, they aren’t worthy enough.

So I wonder if perhaps you do have self-confidence, because of your success in some parts of your life? (such as your career). But still, that you may lack a deeper sense of worth – a sense that you are worthy just because you exist? And that you don’t need to do anything to prove your worth?

Because I remember after the last breakup (in March) you told me you felt bad not just because she left you as her boyfriend, but that you felt bad as a person, because she refused your help. If you felt rejected as a person, this tells me that you do have problems with feeling worthy, which would indicate low self-esteem.

The relationship was unsatisfactory however I can’t help but beautify it even after everything that has happened.

I feel as though I don’t actually understand that this is a hopeless situation for me.

The urge to reach out is still there as well.

This is just an assumption, so please don’t take my word for it. But what if your main hope is to prove your worth to her? Maybe you still hope that you can prove to her that you are a good person, and not a selfish and insensitive guy she might have accused you of? If that’s what motivates you, then it would make sense that you don’t want to give up and want to prove that you’re a good person, i.e. to prove your own worth.

Dear Katrine,

oh… sorry to hear that 🙁 I don’t think he is lying though. But it is tough on you, I totally understand. Because something always gets in the way.

Do you know when he is arriving to Portugal? I am sure that then you should be able to talk more regularly. And clarify what he actually feels about you and how to proceed.

In the meanwhile, try to reduce your anxiety, e.g. by doing some exercise, going for a brisk walk, or perhaps a jog. I think moving  your body and burning that extra stress might help you calm down and feel better.

Dear Sammie,

you are very welcome!

I was in denial about being pregnant as a coping mechanism.

He was passionately against children

I can see why you were in denial. Perhaps it was because you knew he was very much against children and you didn’t want to face the prospect of raising a child alone? And in general, I guess you knew on some level that he was a bad and unreliable partner, so you knew that having a child with him would have been very hard.

Tee, I’m grateful for your honesty. I needed to hear this. He was toxic. He was hard work. I was also scared of him. I could get a bad stomach every time he told me he was on the way to my house. I would be physically sick.

You’re welcome, I am glad it added some clarity. And if you were scared of him – wow, that says a lot! Was he physically abusive too?

He was so lovely to me at times. He took me away for my birthday and planned lovely days out for us. He would do little things like make sure I had medicine. He would tell me he would always have my back and be there for me.

Yes, that’s the worst: the abuse mixed with seeming kindness and care. That’s called trauma bonding: we get attached to the good times, when we felt loved and cared for, and we disregard and minimize the bad times, when we were abused. And we hope that some day, we’ll only get the good times and that the bad times will stop…

I did feel loved at times. What makes it so hard is that at Xmas/NYE, he was so lovely but I think he has already made his mind up to leave. It’s the dissonance of “he seemed to care but he left anyway”.

Yes, he gave you the appearance of caring. But really, he didn’t care. Because at the end of the day, his behavior was hurtful and abusive.

But, before this I was a strong, focused woman. Who I am now, I don’t recognise. But at the start of the year I asked the universe for peace, and then he left. I think I have been gifted this man leaving my life.

I am glad he left your life and that you found a measure of peace. And I hope you won’t take him back, if he comes knocking at your door again. It’s great that you’re finding your strength again: you’ve got yourself a new job, you’ve redecorated your house, you have been going out, and you’re planning to go traveling. That’s all amazing!

A lot of the times, we may be strong in other areas of our life, but in the field of romantic relationship, we suffer. We might have a weak spot for not so good guys. I don’t know what your experience with men was before him, but if you see a certain pattern, it might be worth to work on it and heal it.

I wish you peace and strength and lots of healing!

Hi Adam,

The dreams can vary from things related to games, movies, sports. the dreams usually have famous people in them etc. For example I may daydream about playing in the NBA but it’s not actually me in the dream.

Okay, so is it like you being famous in those daydreams? (although someone else plays you, e.g. some famous actor or athlete?)

I think she really believed that she could share that future with me at first but eventually it did change. Maybe the reality of it became too real and she didn’t want to take responsibility for her life knowing she wasn’t in a good spot for any of what we spoke about.

Yes, very likely. It could be that in the beginning, she was thrilled to have met someone who is super supportive and caring, unlike her father and her exes perhaps. So she was over the moon and felt like she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. But then the reality kicked in, and she realized you had expectations on her, and she didn’t like it… and she started to resist more and more.

Again I always go back to what she said – “Right now what I’d want is to be in your arms selfishly, I say selfishly because I know in the long run it will just cause more harm for the both of us”. It’s like she wanted it but knew it wasn’t right. That’s how I feel now also.

Well, it could be that she realized she can’t be the person you wanted her to be. She wanted to be “safe in your arms” – she wanted you to be her protector, who unconditionally loves and has no expectations of her. But she also knew that you do have expectations on her, which she wasn’t able or willing to fulfill. She knew that her position is “selfish” – not able or not wanting to change in the ways you expected it from her.

In other words, I think she was aware that there was a big divide between you, and that you will never see eye to eye.

It’s like she wanted it but knew it wasn’t right.

Actually, I don’t think it means she wanted the same as you. I think it means she knew you’re not wanting the same thing. And that’s why she sort of knew it wouldn’t work.

I have been doing my best at trying to focus on my life. Keeping as busy as I can however I have been smoking a bit, planning on cutting down however I need take the steps to do it. It’s like I know how to be my best but I am afraid of taking the steps to start that. I’m sitting on the fence. Almost as if I’m scared to do this journey alone. I think this is another reason I want a partner, I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be. However I don’t do it for myself…

Okay, this sounds like you don’t feel good enough and you feel you need to change (I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be). This pain of not feeling good enough is causing you to seek ways to self-soothe and numb the pain. And one way is addiction.

In the past you said you were addicted to weed and other drugs (I was smoking and doing other drugs at the time so my head was very clouded and foggy.) But when you met this girl, you decided to quit and become your “best self”. And indeed, you did your best. It could be that you wanted to prove to her and yourself that you can be a good person (I want someone to grow with and show how much I can change and how good I can be).

It sounds like there is a part of you who believes he isn’t good enough. And this relationship was a means to finally prove the opposite. But since it failed, you are back with your pain (of not feeling good enough), and again in need to self-soothe…

What do you think? Does this sound plausible?

Dear Katrine,

I am hoping too that your talk on Monday will turn out the best and dispel your fears. Let me know how it went… I am rooting for you!

Dear Honey,

I know about it but he lied to me that they are no longer together

Her girlfriend found and said every mean things to me. They are no longer together and he wants to be with me.

It seems to me that they are no longer together only because she found out and broke up with him. Otherwise he would have been still living a double life. Now, when she left him, no wonder he is begging you to take him back and claims that he loves  you. But he would have continued lying and cheating on both of you if he hadn’t been discovered.

So my advice is not to trust this man. He is a liar and a cheater. If he was cheating on his girlfriend, he won’t have qualms to cheat on you some time down the line. He has been lying to you already, so that shows you his character.

I love him so much. I do want to give him a chance but it’s really painful.

You may love him, but you don’t want to be anyone’s fool. And he is trying to fool you now, making excuses why he lied. My advice is to leave him and don’t look back.

Hi Adam,

I told my psych that it hurts because she didn’t understand how I loved her and loved me differently. She replied and told me that my ex would also be feeling the same towards me, that I didn’t love her how she did. It was interesting and also hard to hear that.

Yes, it’s typical that people with trauma require all their partner’s attention and care, because the wounded inner child is leading their life. Your ex behaved like a child, and all children are naturally selfish – they want their parents’ attention 100% of the time. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to survive. So when we are children, that’s totally normal, but when someone behaves like that in their adulthood, it’s a problem.

So don’t blame yourself for not being able to give her that kind of attention that a baby or a toddler requires from her mother. The fact that she was unhappy with the level of attention you gave her doesn’t tell anything about you, but about her insatiable demands, which are the result of her unmet childhood needs.

I think when i just need a mental break it triggers my daydreaming a bit.

And when do you typically need a mental break? Is it after you’ve spent a hard day at work, focusing on what you’re doing? Or perhaps when in a relationship and focusing all your energy on your partner, sort of watching you’ll say, paying attention not to offend her (like it was with you ex)?

Smoking does as well. Movies and just media in general can trigger a feeling of wanting to daydream. They can last maybe between 5 – 15 minutes. When I was a teenager, I would go on walks to allow time for my daydreaming.

Do you remember what triggered it back then? Was it also mental fatigue?

I really felt ready and like she was going to be the one for me. She fueled my fantasies with her comments too. I had that fate and destined feeling straight away with her.

Yes, you felt ready and you wanted to find a girl to settle down with. It was a strong desire in you. When she told you that she too wants to settle down and be your wife, no wonder you felt over the moon. You thought you’ve found “the one” – something you’ve been dreaming of ever since you were a teen.

I think that’s why it felt destined. Because everything fell into place, you believed. You thought your dream was finally coming true. And that’s why you tried so hard to make it work, even if you suffered abuse in the relationship. Because you wanted it to succeed at all costs.

Now I’m worried it will return if she reaches out at any time, and it probably will still be there for a long time. I think it has to do with me being too readily available at times and giving people my all straight away.

With her, you definitely did give your all straight away. Have you experienced it in other relationships too? (perhaps friendships?) Because in your previous romantic relationships, you didn’t really give your all at first (you were avoidant).

I am even worried about getting this destined feeling with anyone not just her as I feel like it had made it so much harder for me this whole time.

Well, if what’s driving you is a desire to settle down and start your own family, and this desire is very strong and pervasive, then it could indeed cloud your judgment and make you cling to people like your ex, even if they’re not good for you.

I feel stuck in limbo still. This week has been much harder than last, I feel as I’m getting worse with time. Work is being affected and I’m very unmotivated, so I am going to take some time off soon.

I’ve noticed fluctuations in you – some days you’re more hopeful and upbeat, others you’re more daydreaming and having thoughts of getting back together. I think this is normal in the aftermath of this very painful breakup. Please know that it’s normal that sometimes you feel better, sometimes worse. But you will get through this eventually, because you’re doing all the right things.

It’s a good idea to get some time off of work, to recuperate. However, try not to use it for daydreaming and smoking weed, because that’s what’s going to make things harder. Being alone with your thoughts and feelings isn’t the best, I am afraid. Perhaps going for a vacation to a new place, a place you’ve always wanted to visit, would be appealing to you?

I have really hoped anything would be different. My biggest hope since early teens was probably to get a girlfriend and then as I left school, I finally started getting them, but I still have not made it to 12 months with a partner. They always leave and it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

Well, you’re still learning. You said you weren’t that eager in your first relationships and that both of your exes left you because you were avoidant. So in those relationship you were probably doing something wrong – you were smoking and didn’t care much about them.

Perhaps you sort of sabotaged those relationships because you both feared and longed for a relationship at the same time. So it might have been an inner conflict, which made you wishy-washy about the relationship.

But with this girl, you were ready and you decided to give it your best.

There was a trend where I was always questioning myself with all my exes and my last relationship was the worst for this. She told me once during an argument that something is wrong with me and it really hurt. It made me feel like I was in the wrong and the cause of all issues and arguments.

Yeah, that’s hard to hear. You were trying your best, you gave her a lot of attention, you were caring and supportive, you were there almost 24/7 for her, and yet it wasn’t enough. As I explained above, the fact that she wasn’t satisfied with you is not your fault – it’s her own trauma wounds. So don’t take it to heart. Don’t take it to mean anything bad about you. Because it wasn’t your fault.

I tied everything about our futures together and that’s what I always told her. My priority was my future together, so it’s our future. She would see this as her not being the priority in the moment. She was never able to envision the future like I did.

Because she wasn’t really on board with being a wife and mother, I believe. She was too immature for that. She herself was so extremely needy – how on earth would she be able to meet a child’s needs properly? She might have told you in the beginning that she’d be your wife, because that’s what you felt so strongly about and she wanted to please you. But her heart was never in it. In fact, I bet she was actually afraid of such a task. Because women with trauma and unmet childhood needs often feel very scared and incompetent of being mothers themselves.

What she wanted from you is 24/7 care and attention in the moment, and no expectations about the future. If my assumptions are right, she wasn’t on board with being your wife, simply because she felt incapable of it. But perhaps she never articulated it. And so you kept hoping and pushing for your dream, which wasn’t actually her dream too.

 A week before we broke up it was her sisters birthday, there was a massive argument when they went out for dinner because he didn’t get the right sauce. It reminded me of my ex in a way, like he didn’t get what he wanted so now everyone has to suffer despite being a birthday celebration and it ruined the night. My ex told me he actually said “this is why I didn’t want to go out, because it always ends in an argument”.

Haha, yeah, it always ends up in an argument because he is the one causing arguments! But he didn’t want to admit it, and kept blaming everyone else. Yes, he doesn’t seem like a positive person. He is probably having anger and rage issues, but is blaming others for his explosive behavior. Your ex also wasn’t able to admit her own mistake but was rather blaming you. So perhaps there is a similarity there.

I think all this trauma, unresolved mental health, no desire for therapy, reducing medication without guidelines, no work for nearly 6 months or general direction in life, small friend group who weren’t always a positive influence just to name a few things. One of these by themself is enough to damage a relationship I feel. It was a whole concoction of what I just listed. I just want to be done with all this but I am struggling to do what’s best for myself.

That’s an excellent summary, Adam. You are seeing it very well. It’s good you’re aware that she wasn’t in a good mental space at all to have a healthy long-term relationship. And you’re working on letting her go. But it’s a process, don’t rush it. You’ll get there.

But as I said, make sure you don’t spend too much time alone, smoking and ruminating. Rather, if you take some time off, take a vacation and get to some new vistas. If you have good friends (or one good friend), you might go together with them.