Hi Adam,

Yes she definitely was at times limiting my playfulness as I was worried about triggering her. I don’t think she understood my playfulness fully either.

Yeah, people with trauma and low self-esteem can get very offended, not able to take a joke, even if it’s an innocent one. She probably felt threatened by those jokes, as if you’re saying you don’t love her or don’t respect her enough.

I would say it’s more like losing myself in a daydream than being dysfunctional. It just feels excessive sometimes, like I have to day dream.

Did you notice that something triggers your daydreaming? How long do those episodes last?

I think that is definitely what happened. Smoking was a bigger issue in my last two relationships. I really did give it my all. My first ex I tried fighting for months later and she told me if you fought earlier it would’ve been different. I was the distant one at first and didn’t want to rekindle until later on. That really stuck with me so I got into the mind set of fight before it’s too late

Oh I see. So with your first ex you started caring (and fighting for her) too late, so you made sure you don’t repeat the same mistake again. And you quit smoking too, because you wanted to be there for her fully.

I think it is a right time wrong person scenario. It’s a hard lesson but it’s true, we can’t make people change, even if we do everything we can.

Yes, she was definitely the wrong person. But at least you’ve learned a lesson, even if it was a painful one.

I think I could be attracted to it if I’m being honest, however I’m not sure why. My psych said it could just be a coincidence. I don’t think it’s to do with having less issues but more of a protector role.

Right. Well, she was your first relationship where you’ve tried your best. And this could be because you felt ready to settle down (you said you’ve achieved your main career goals so far, bought a house, and so the next step was to find a partner and settle down). So maybe it’s just that you really took it seriously and wanted to make it work. Maybe that’s the only reason why you were so attached to her, and there are no childhood issues involved.

Let me ask you though: have you ever felt inadequate in your childhood? Have you perhaps hoped (and daydreamed) that anything in your life should be different?

I will do my best to stay away from all things related to her.

Yes, please try to stay away, because really no good would come from trying to get in touch again.

I had an average day I’ve just felt so unmotivated and a bit lonely. I think I’ve cried nearly everyday but I’m coping.

I am sorry, Adam. Your feelings are normal. Maybe you’re lacking motivation in part also because you tied your future happiness to her? So perhaps it’s time now to tell yourself that you can still be happy, and still have the future you’re hoping for, only not with her. You’re stronger and wiser for this experience. You’ve learned some lessons, although painful ones. Things will be fine, and you’ll be okay.

I guess you’re right I was a parental figure but I don’t think I was very similar to her father. And thanks that’s good advice not to message him.

Btw was her father a positive person in her life, or not so much? And you’re welcome. Yes, better not stir the pot unnecessarily and get yourself attached to her again, indirectly.

I have just read Roberta’s message as well. It’s interesting you brought up the hormonal cycle. My ex actually just had a laparoscopy to have endometriosis and a marina removed. So maybe it was possible this exaggerated her triggers. We had a big argument before her surgery also. Not sure if any of this is significant.

It could be that she was more sensitive during some days of the month, however if so, she would have later come to her senses and apologized for her abusive behavior. She would have made the connection between “those days in the month” and her irritability. But I guess her unresolved trauma is what really started her triggers, whereas her hormones only played a minor role.

Hi Adam,

There was never any resentment or hate coming from my sarcasm.

That’s what’s important. You really were just playful and your remarks innocent. But she took it the wrong way.

And I wouldn’t even call it sarcasm, because sarcasm is a form of passive aggression, where we resent something or someone but don’t want to say it openly, so we resort to sarcastic remarks. I think there is always resentment and anger in sarcasm. Yours was more like humor, I’d say. Being funny, making funny comments and sometimes innocently teasing her, but with no bad intention.

I have dark humour as well. I learnt to hold this back early on because of her trauma.

Good, so you were thoughtful enough to curb some of your dark humor. That shows you really didn’t mean to hurt her, but did your best to treat her with empathy and sensitivity.

She also agreed that I am playful however my ex could’ve brought that side out a bit more. I spoke about that balanced feeling where I am not too excited but not unsatisfied. Like you were saying I may have enjoyed the roller coaster of highs and lows because of this.

Well, it seems your ex tolerated some forms of your playfulness, like collecting shells, but didn’t always tolerate your humor, specially if you were making funny remarks about her. So in some ways, she was also limiting your playfulness, don’t you think?

I think it’s easy to notice when my father is “off with the fairies” at times and I think I am also the same. I think my ex saying ‘I didn’t even give her eye contact’ at times was her noticing I’m daydreaming a bit. Little smiles and hand movements is what I also noticed at times that are similar between me and my dad. I noticed as I got older when I’d say dream I would smirk during it at times and I would see this in him too.

Daydreaming in itself is normal, we all lose ourselves in thoughts from time to time and our gaze gets a bit glassy 🙂 But it’s not the same as maladaptive daydreaming, which is a disorder, where the person loses themselves in daydreaming to the point of losing touch with reality and not being able to perform normal daily tasks. It’s a form of dissociation and is usually caused by trauma or neglect.

Would you say your daydreaming was/is dysfunctional, or it’s more like losing yourself in thoughts and dreams about the future, from time to time?

I am an anxious person but I have always dealt with it. I do get a lot of anxiety in relationships I think because of all the egg shells of walked on during them. Partners have definitely made me question my sanity and if it is really me who’s the problem, which has added to my anxiety.

Right. So your anxiety is mostly about relationships, not about other parts of your life? You were with partners who accused  you of being uncaring and/or neglectful. And in the past, when you were smoking weed, you might have indeed been like that.

It’s interesting because this is perhaps the duality you were feeling in the past: on one hand longing for a partner, and on the other fearing the relationship. So perhaps when you were in relationships in the past, this fear popped up (fear of not being good enough?), and so you self-medicated with weed? And then it became a self-fulfilling prophecy because clearly, if you’re smoking, you cannot be a caring and fully present partner.

Perhaps in this relationship you dropped your fear of being in the relationship, and you took a plunge with all that you had. You did your best. You were a caring and a fully present partner. But she was not the right girl…

Perhaps the lesson is that even if we do our best, we can’t make the other person to change. But it doesn’t mean we did anything wrong.

I think it is significant in someway, maybe I am drawn to girls who have unresolved issues and feel like I can be a confidante or a savior. I’m not too sure. I only really felt like this with my ex though not my other partners.

Right, with your previous exes you said you were neglectful/avoidant (you smoked weed), whereas with this one, you thought she was worth quitting. But it’s interesting that all of them have anxiety and/or are on medications.

So perhaps you are attracted to girls who are a bit insecure and fragile, and you feel you can be their protector? Or maybe with such girls, you believe they won’t judge you because you have “less issues” than them. But then exactly the opposite occurs: they end up judging you a lot? This is again just an idea that I am throwing out, please disregard if it doesn’t apply.

I told her about my worries for the next few weeks and months, she said if she reaches out you will have to be firm and break the cycle of abuse. She needs real treatment and help which would take a lot of therapy etc. 18 months she said atleast. But she said don’t think about the future and if she does ever approach you work, therapy are a must and who knows maybe there’s an option to reconnect but to not even think of that possibility. Take it as it comes.

Really great advice! I also think it would be very harmful to be in touch with her in any way. Because as your therapist said, you need to break the cycle of abuse. And if you keep in touch, you would sooner or later end up being abused again. Because nothing changed on her side. So yes, you need to stay away from her by all means.

My psych actually explained the cycle of abuse to me and how it works. You have a honey moon stage, then something’s happens, then apologies follow and you make up and end up in the honeymoon stage for something to happen again leading to more apologies. She asked me if that seemed familiar and it really was. Every couple months we were splitting and then going through this cycle. With my past ex it made me realise that the relationship was a lot healthier as we went a whole 9 months and then split but never got back together. My psych also spoke about trauma bonding and made it clear that it wasn’t my trauma that was causing it by rather hers.

It’s also great that your therapist explained how the cycle of abuse works, and about trauma bonding. Yeah, you were hooked to those good times (and her promises), and that’s why it was hard to let go, even if the relationship became more and more toxic, and you less and less of yourself. And yes, it was clearly her trauma causing all of that. Your weakness was in staying and hoping things would change.

I am not sure if this is significant but I forgot to add there were a few times my ex told I treat her like her Dad. However I was completely different to her father. She also said her ex was similar to her father but agreed with me that I wasn’t in a lot of ways very early on in the relationship. Not sure why that changed and she said I treat her like that at times.

Well, you did behave like a parental figure at times, being both her protector and also trying to get her to put her life in order. So perhaps she saw that as patronizing. But if she saw her ex as a father figure too, it might be that she was projecting, or that she was actually attracted to guys who would protect her and shelter her from everything, so she would feel “safe” (which is impossible unless she actually heals the trauma).

I was thinking about messaging her ex just to see what his experience was. Do you think that is a wise idea or I should avoid opening that can of worms?

No, I don’t think it’s a good idea. You don’t know if he would be open to that, and it’s a bit like licking the wounds together – I don’t know if you want to bond with her ex in that way. Specially if you don’t even know the guy.

If you start talking to her exes about her, it would be like you’re still a bit obsessed about her, so it’s not really helping you to move on.

So my advice is no, don’t talk to him. Process everything you have in therapy or here if it helps you, but don’t open that can of worms (very good analogy, btw!)

I just deleted our messages in my phone as I caught myself looking through old messages. She definitely seemed a lot happier and grateful early on. Messaging me during the days and mornings at work compared to blunt and short conversations later on.

Great decision to delete her old messages! The less you get stuck on those mementos of the past, the easier it will be to move on.

Hi Tom,

To be more direct, this may be difficult to improvise in case these challenges that you face is with your spouse- don’t you guys think so?

Yes, it’s trickier if it’s your spouse. You can’t just leave, and besides, maybe you shouldn’t either, but rather see things through a slightly different perspective. Helcat made an excellent remark about different people expressing their love differently. So even if someone is messy and unorganized, they may have other qualities that you appreciate, and other ways of expressing their love.

Even though you say your spouse is the polar opposite of you in some aspects, she still may be a good, honest person, with a kind heart. So instead of focusing on her drawbacks, perhaps you can learn to accept them, and appreciate her for her other qualities.

Of course, everything has its limits, so if she completely disregards your concerns and doesn’t even want to hear you out, that’s another thing. If you feel disrespected in your marriage, that’s a problem.

But if she simply has different priorities, this doesn’t mean she disrespects you. In that case, maybe it would help to talk to her and express appreciation for all of her good qualities, and also ask her to try to be more punctual, because it means a lot to you. So basically, you approach her with a different attitude: that of appreciation and acceptance, instead of judgment and rejection. This might cause a shift in her too, and more willingness to pay attention to things that are important to you.

What do you say?

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your prayers and your kind words.

I must be honest, dear Dafne, it pains me that you’re still hoping to get love from this man, after he told you repeatedly that he is only interested in sex. Not only in any sex, but in wild sex. And he was explicit in telling you what he would have liked you did to him – as if you were a call girl.

Instead of seeing you like a person, he sees you as just some woman to satisfy his lust with. Instead of asking you how you are, he reaches for your décolleté. I cringe when I think about it. And you should too. Because that’s not what you want, do you? You told me you want exactly the opposite.

To his defense, he didn’t reach out because he knew his stance would hurt you (He explained that he decided to not reply as he did not want to hurt me.). He stopped trying to persuade you into being a sex object for him. So he let you go. But unfortunately, you can’t let him go, even if he didn’t give you a single reason to keep pursuing him.

I know why you can’t let him go – because you believe he might come around some day. But it’s like looking for diamonds in a pile of garbage. What’s the probability you’ll find it there? Zero.

So you’d need to stop looking for your dream man in him, or men similar to him.

Is he really devasted so much by his divorce and can’t find a way to deal with that? How can I help him? Is it the right moment to try to be just a friend for him?

Perhaps he is devastated, but he isn’t looking for emotional consolation. What he is looking for is sex. He isn’t looking to talk to you either. He didn’t tell you how he feels, or what lead to his divorce. You don’t know anything about his supposed suffering, because he isn’t willing to share it with you. So how can you be friends with him?

You don’t need to help him because he doesn’t need your help. He only wants your help in relieving his sexual frustration.

I’ve heard so many stories, where women started friendships with recently divorced men (even after refusing sex) and after a while they ended up together happily. It took some time but it was worth it. Could this apply to my situation?

No, I am afraid it can’t. Because this guy doesn’t want friendship with you. He doesn’t want to confide in you, to share his feelings with you. When you asked him whether you are similar to his ex wife, he showed you some photos and videos of her. But it made him upset and he told you he doesn’t want to go to yoga or any activity with you, not even a walk with you. He only wants to meet you at his place:

His hands were shaking, started to smoke and said he doesn’t feel like going out, talking, doing things together, no yoga, no walks. He just wants to be there for his son but is open to meet me without going out.

Which means he doesn’t want to talk about his past, his emotions, his struggles…. If he doesn’t even want to have a walk with you, that shows how talk and emotional connection mean nothing to him. And if you expect to get it from him, it’s really like looking for diamonds in a pile of garbage (sorry for being blunt again).

My friend told me to tell him that I do not want to loose him completely or let him suffer in silence. She adviced to stay close but only as friend (no kiss, no touch etc.).

Dear Dafne, how do you stay close to this guy if he doesn’t want to talk to you about anything substantial? The only way to stay close to him is to agree to have sex with him. There are no other options, I am afraid.

I am sorry you’re suffering so much, Dafne, and that this longing for a man is ruining your health too. But being with this man and agreeing to his conditions would ruin you even more. It would break your heart.

So please don’t put yourself in a situation where there is a 100% chance of your heart being broken. Instead, try to focus on your healing, on filling the void in your heart that was created by your father’s coldness and absence. And then you’ll be able to attract the man who truly loves you and respects you.

Hey SereneWolf,

I mean you’re right but I think it’s also could be like I’m not someone who mostly misses someone? Not even people who are really close to me, But I do miss my cat maybe that’s why? Because it’s kind of a dysregulation?

Yeah sure, that’s what I meant: you were/are feeling down because you are missing your cat. And that’s what makes you more susceptible to overeating (which is a form of misguided self-soothing and self-regulation). We feel comforted when we eat, and you needed comfort, so it’s kind of logical…

And I accept that she did gave me like a good emotional relief so now I’m like should I find a new gf and cuddle her? Just for that emotional relief you know…But I know it’s not a proper fix.

Haha… no. If caring about your cat and petting her gave you emotional relief, you should find a new cat, not a new girlfriend 🙂

Also good news is that since my Neighbour (If you remember I play with her kid) rescued a cat and told me that I can have her as long as I want, It does making me feel little better but still making me miss her more.

That’s nice of your neighbor, but perhaps you need a little more time before adopting another cat?

And yup as you guessed I’m overeating and even (like the most time) to not overthink while eating I started watching anime or movie while having my meals.

Usually when we watch TV while eating, we end up eating more, because we don’t really pay attention to food and our sense of being satiated. Is this your experience too? Btw, are you binge eating on healthy food or comfort food, if I may ask?

Well she does asks me if I’m stressed about something or not, because they think one of the reason people are skinny is that they’re stressed. And also, she’s not much aware about modern mental health things (Americans have like hundreds of them and like each trait have a name)

Right… well, it’s still primarily your physical looks/well-being that she is interested in. Because she notices that you’re skinny, and so she asks if you’re stressed. Maybe she is interested in your emotional well-being too. But to be honest, based on what you told me about your childhood, I don’t think your mother had/has a real interest in your emotional well-being. Because when you were exposed to your father’s rage attacks, she would tell you to tolerate it and not make a fuss about it. So that’s not really emotionally supportive.

So because of that I didn’t had like healthy fats and mostly pure vegetarian for a very long time, I’d be eating mostly green vegetables, No milk or even rice because I thought it makes people fat and because years of misconception my body just adapted it like that. So that’s what I’m trying to change.

Oh so you were basically vegan! That’s tough, I tried it once, and it was too much for me. I would be fine being a vegetarian, I don’t really need meat. But I do need dairy products, so veganism is not for me.

Haha okay so even for this I’m somewhat responsible, Because we did talk deep level things and she did asked me about the way I am and you know that she likes my “Calm” so I did tell her very clearly that it’s all self-awareness and mindfulness. So she got more interested about self-improvement and stuff so

Cool… But one thing to keep in mind is that a part of your “calmness” is suppressing your anger, right? I mean, you appear calm in front of people, but inside you might be boiling. That’s a very useful skill (control of emotional reactions), and I guess you developed it by mindfulness? But on the log run, the goal is to heal some of that anger, so that you don’t feel so threatened and afraid of judgment in social situations.

Hmm I see, So a question, so as human beings do we always try to fulfil other people that we’re good at? If so, Why is this drive?

Yes, we are attracted to people who possess the qualities we don’t, or which we might have suppressed. So if you are calm (or at least seem calm) and detached, and she is too emotionally reactive, your calmness and poise is what might have attracted her to you. So what we believe we miss, we look for in others. Or for example, the person who is shy and lacks self-esteem might be attracted to someone who is self-confident and extroverted.

I guess so yeah.. They visited me this weekend with both of my siblings. And so far this time he didn’t even compared this time.

That’s good! He might have sensed that you’re fragile and sad, due to your cat’s death, and so he was behaving himself. Or perhaps even your mother told him to behave himself…

I guess because I never had that in my childhood and only criticism so now it’s just hard to trust what people say

I understand… you believe everybody is like your father or grandfather. Or maybe like your mother, who wasn’t always honest with you? (You did say you don’t like when people act kind to you, only to get something from you. And I think you mentioned your family in that context too.) So you might have a really bad model there: the people closest to you either being very judgmental, or not being honest (not having the purest intentions) when they praised you?

It means should I believe in positive feedback? If so how you’d determine what to let in or let out

Well, we need to have discernment of course. But if you hear the same praise from more people, that should tell you it’s most probably true. If you cannot accept compliment at all, that’s a sign that the inner critic has the upper hand.

Also just a side note, Are you working from home? I found this from a LinkedIn post, and it says whenever you’re working always play a Instrumental/LoFi music that you like… and I think it’s actually helping me focus more and somewhat in better mood and less anxious as well.

Actually, listening to music while working would distract me, but if it helps you focus and be less anxious – cool, go for it!

Dear Dafne,

I am fine, thank you. I do have some health issues, but I am managing, so it’s okay.

You’ve been so helpful again! I really like your suggestions for the vision of a dream man and also the example text you created

I am happy it helped you! Have you perhaps written your own version of your “dream man”?

Tee, you were right about this last man. Unfortunately, it got even worst than I expected. I’ve sent him the text 3 days ago and till now he did not reply at all! (left me on seen).

Sorry about that, Dafne. Sadly, I knew it would most likely turn out like that. He really isn’t interested in more than sex, that’s why he is not replying.

I can’t believe it. I’m not even worth a simple reply.

Oh you are so worth it! Only he is an inconsiderate, selfish man.

All the promises written in the sand. I was so wrong about him. I thought he is suffering after his divorce and needs time. Now I can see that he has not even the smallest decency to be a man and reply.

Yeah, I think he actually doesn’t know how to say it politely that he isn’t interested in going out with you and dating you properly. That’s why it’s easier for him to stay silent. He believes you’ll figure it out from his silence that he isn’t willing to give you what you’re hoping for…

As for his promises, it was just something he said to make you come to his place. Remember he said he’s only willing to go to the exhibition with you if you first come to his place. So all those “promises” served one goal: to get you to sleep with him.

My friend suggested to give him a final call in few days to have a closure but I’m not sure if asking for reasons over the phone is a good idea? Also meeting him at his workplace might seem like too much.

I don’t think calling him is necessary. If he picks up, he’ll probably try to manipulate you once again to come to his place. You don’t need to know his reasons – what you need to know is that he isn’t willing to have a serious relationship with you. That’s all you need to know. And he was very clear about that. And yes, if you go see him at his work place, he might view it as too intrusive (and it is, in fact). So no, please don’t contact him, don’t ask for explanations, don’t seek him out. Let him go.

Also, my friend found his profile on the dating site so I guess he is busy with other women. I believe that they are more easy going & carefree than me so it makes him more interested

Yes, he is seeking women who are more willing to have casual sex with him.

He told me that he is not looking for anything serious but on the webpage it says that he is not sure yet. Might be a way to attract more women?

Yes, that’s a bait. It’s rare that a woman would want to get involved with someone who from the get-go tells her he only wants her for sex. By being vague about it, he is increasing his chances to meet someone who would give him what he wants.

Maybe the sexual compatibility is more important to him than getting to know someone as a person first. Maybe that’s how the relationships start nowadays and I was not aware of it.

I don’t think sexual compatibility is what he is interested in, unless he is into kinky stuff, which he would have indicated on his profile. He is interested in plain old sex (sorry to be so blunt about it), i.e. in a woman who is willing to give it to him. That’s all. No mystery there.

And no, relationships shouldn’t start with checking each other’s sexual compatibility, because I believe that if two people love and care for each other, sex will come naturally. In other words, there is a high probability that they will be sexually compatible. It is the personalities that need to be compatible first and foremost.

Tee, how is it that some women go easily for casual sex and it turns into a committed relationship? And women who wait with sex are ghosted in the end?

Maybe they don’t go for casual sex, but fall in love and have sex pretty early on. And if they’re lucky, it’s a good guy and things progress into a committed relationship. I think it’s not that frequent that a woman is “cool” about having casual sex and doesn’t develop feelings. There are some women like that, but they are not the majority.

As for women who wait with sex, it depends how long one wants to wait. If she wants to wait till marriage – it has to be consensual. She has to communicate it with her partner. But if she wants to wait for a few months, or whatever time she needs to properly get to know the guy – that’s not an unreasonable expectation.

I think the worst is if the woman feels pressured to have sex, even though she isn’t ready for it and doesn’t want it. If you feel pressured by the guy or modern societal “norms”, and your heart isn’t in it, you shouldn’t do it.

Is there any way to know when is the best moment to start being physical with a man (and avoid being ghosted)? Some coaches say that it is not about sex on the 1 or 2 date but the emotional attraction you created before it happened. But how is it that those women create the bond so fast?

I agree that emotional bond is important. As I said above, what happens frequently is that the woman falls in love and is eager to enter sexual relationship too. If the woman is relatively emotionally healthy and can recognize a good guy, then chances are she won’t be disappointed and things will turn out just fine.

But if the woman has issues (e.g. emotional wounds), she might be attracted to problematic guys. So she falls in love with the guy, enters a sexual relationship with him and is eager about him, believing that he is “the one”. But the guy is actually trouble and doesn’t feel the same about her. Maybe the guy is just using her, or isn’t emotionally available and cannot really give her the love she is longing for. But she is in love with him and suffering…

What I am trying to say is that a lot of times when you think that someone created an “emotional bond” very fast, it can be that this emotional bond is one-sided, where only the woman has deep feelings and hopes for a long-term, committed relationship. While the guy is not that enthusiastic at all and sees the relationship more casually. (Of course, this can be vice versa: in some cases, the guy is the one with a deeper attachment, while the woman is flaky and avoidant). Real love requires two-sided emotional bond…

It is all a big mystery to me…

Yeah, there are no hard and fast rules. The best advice I can give you is to work on your healing, so you can recognize a good, decent guy, whose goals are compatible with yours. The more you respect yourself, the less likely it is that you’d tolerate lesser treatment and men trying to take advantage of you.

I regret that I let him be more than a friend. I was hoping that it might change something between us but it didn’t.

Be satisfied with yourself that you didn’t fall for his manipulation and slept with him. You weren’t really friends either – as he wasn’t interested to get to know you as a person. So the little that happened between the two of you cannot break your heart because you wisely decided not to give yourself to this guy. You decided well!

Dear Katrine,

I don’t want to scare him away, maybe telling him something like i feel he has been distant lately and I’m gonna give him some and that he can always reach out to me

Well, if you phrase it like that, you’re assuming that he wants a time out, and you are giving it to him, and kind of pretending to be cool about it. Neither of this is true. First, you don’t know what his intentions are, and second, you are totally not cool about giving him a time out. Instead, you are very anxious about his potential leaving.

So instead of playing the “cool girl”, I’d talk to him and express my feelings. But as I said, without attacking him. This is called non-violent communication: you speak in the “I” form. For example, “I feel hurt when you don’t discuss important things with me”. Instead of “You’re being so cold and distant lately and aren’t telling me anything”.

Or you can say something like “I feel sad because I feel that you’ve been distant lately”.  So you express your feeling and tie it to his behavior, but you don’t attack him for this behavior.

How does that sound?