Hi Adam,

good to hear from you again!

I am sorry you’re hurt once again, but at the same time, I hope you can see now that this relationship was pretty bad for you and your mental health.

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I felt as I couldn’t be myself and do what I want to do. She needed a caregiver 247 and when I wasn’t there for her it was again signs of me not loving her enough and her not getting what she was wanting.

We were fighting a lot the last couple weeks and it was all brought on due to her not feeling connected etc. we’d have a chat and sort things out but then again days or a week later she would say she wasn’t getting what she wanted.

It seems it was all about her and her needs. She really felt she can press a button and you’ll show up, or you’ll disappear from her sight on demand. That is emotional abuse, Adam. You saw it well. Anna Runkle (The Crappy Childhood Fairy) calls it emotional abuse too. She used the phrase “yanking a dog’s chain”. She also calls it trauma bonding: constantly switching from being nice and loving to you, to then blaming you and wanting to break up with you. That’s not true love, but trauma bonding.

You were hooked on her nice words and promises, that’s why you tolerated her abuse. And it was hard to let go, because you were craving those moments of connection and intimacy that were there. But the problem is that those good moments were soon followed by attacks and withdrawal. So it was a roller-coaster. And this roller-coaster of being “loved” in one moment and then rejected in the next is called trauma bonding.

I feel quite attacked honestly. I don’t think my side was ever considered and she would selfishly use me as a punching bag for her irrational behavior. I felt really shit about myself after an argument the other night and I remember thinking I can’t leave her but that she was going to do it soon. Now it’s happened and I may not be happy at the moment but I needed an out. I think I may have been receiving slight emotion abuse at times.

Yes, it was emotional abuse definitely, and not only slight. It’s a pity that you felt you can’t leave. Do you now, after seeing the video and understanding it was emotional abuse – feel any different?

As explained in the video it wasn’t a relationship that I wanted but I did tell myself and I push past this and deal with all the bad despite how it made me feel there would be light at the end.

Yes, because she hooked you with those good moments when it felt as if she loved you. That’s why you felt hope. You hoped that she would seek therapy and heal her trauma, so she can love you always, not only sometimes. But it never happened, because she doesn’t want therapy.

she told me nothing changed even though she told me what I needed to do. However I don’t believe I needed to change anything.

Oh she told you you need to change? And how so?

The whole situation sucks but I am feeling a tad better about it this time, I think I’ve just woken up to what was happening and I also got over trying to fill a bottomless pit with my love.

I also hope you’re waking up to how abusive this relationship was!

I lost myself in the process

I hear you, Adam. You tried to fit yourself to her requirements, you tried everything not to upset her, you tried to be supportive of her ups and downs… Anna Runkle calls this “crap fitting”. When we try to fit ourselves to crap that our partner is exposing us to.

But you can recover, Adam. However, you need to stop contacting her, stop trying to change her. You need to let her go, because she can’t give you what you need. Do you think you can do that?

Hi Peter,

To love our neighbor as ourselves isn’t then a reflection of how we love ourselves, or not only that, but that our neighbor is also It and so also our Self.

Yes, we are all One…

A psychotherapist Richard Schwartz, founder of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, had been working with hundreds of people, who all said that when they unblend from all their parts (the protector part, the child part etc), what remains is their true self. What that observes all those other parts is the true self. And so Richard Schwartz began to call it the Self (with the capital S).

There is a beautiful youtube video by another therapist (Dr. Tori Olds), who explains our Self from that perspective, including the 8 characteristics of the Self. It’s titled “How to find yourself: The True Self in IFS therapy“. I think it’s worth watching. It kind of blends psychotherapy and spirituality when explaining our true self, and to me, it’s quite fascinating.

Dear Dafne,

you are very welcome!

To summ up, next time he contacts me I will only accept meeting him in public (no going to his place for at least 2 more dates outside). I will find an excuse that the evening I’m busy and only day time works for now. If he doesn’t accept, I will say that I won’t be coming to his place. And that I can wait when he is ready for a more romantic relationship. We can stay friends for the moment being.

Sounds good! Let me know if he messages you again…

Actually, he doesn’t text me, only before the meeting so that might also be a sign that he doesn’t want to bond emotionally.

Yes, if he isn’t interested to check in on you throughout the week, and only texts right before he wants to pick you up, that too shows he isn’t interested to bond emotionally.

One of my friends came up with a new idea for dating. I’m curious what is your take on that. She advised not to be boyfriend/girlfriend until engagement. Basically we are connecting as friends, maybe kiss and hug (no sex with men).

Hmm… that’s a strange concept: to get engaged without being in a romantic relationship beforehand. If that’s what she meant?

I can meet with more than 1 person and get to know without giving the benefits of a relationship.

Yes, that’s dating. In the dating phase, you can meet more than one person and have that “interview” type of conversation, where you see if you are on the same page regarding what you want from the relationship, whether they want to get married eventually etc. But then once you pick your guy and start bonding emotionally and developing feelings, you can’t just remain friends till they ask you to get married. You need to have the romantic phase of the relationship, which can or doesn’t have to include sex. But what it has to include are mutual feelings and affection for each other, and prospects for a committed relationship, i.e. marriage.

So you cannot really jump from dating multiple people to getting married without choosing one particular person with whom you’ll engage in a romantic (boyfriend/girlfriend) relationship. That’s because you want to get to know the person quite well before deciding to marry them. You don’t want someone who will promise to marry you already on the second date, because that would be a big red flag.

Because those people who immediately offer marriage usually have an ulterior motive, e.g. they may want you to do the chores for them, look after their kids, take care of their sick parents etc (you were already involved with such guys, right?). Or maybe they are a conman who is after your money and wants to exploit you financially.

In any case, if someone wants to marry you only a short time after having met you, that’s a big red flag. So you need to be wary of both such guys, as well as guys who only want sex and don’t want any commitment. Both are bad news and something to stay away from.

I’m curious, Tee, what is your opinion on that? Is it a good way and more effective than being boyfriend/girlfriend first?

No, in my opinion it is not effective, if it means you skip the romantic phase and look for men who will tell you they want to marry you right after they meet you. You can’t expect such a guarantee. A guy can be interested in marriage as such, however he cannot immediately promise you anything. It’s a big deal, a big life decision, to get married, so the couple wants to get to know each other properly and know what they can expect from each other. I would date for at least a year before getting married. Anything that is rushed isn’t good.

I would like to get married and not stuck in a relationship forever.

I understand that, but as I said, you can’t marry a good, decent guy without first being in a relationship with him and getting to know him. What you should establish in the beginning is a) if he is free to marry and b) if he is interested to get married. If those 2 preconditions are met, and you like the guy, you can proceed to date and develop a relationship. And if there is mutual attraction and similar values, it will hopefully result in marriage, not too far down the line.

How does this sound?

Dear FurryRat,

you say you’ve been told the job has given to you because of nepotism. Does it mean your boss did it as a favor to your family? Did you know that he is a friend of your family?

But when I informed my current boss, he seems upset that I am leaving before the contract is up

there’s nothing I do for work. I don’t go to the office, and just essentially stay home everyday doing my own things.

I don’t understand why he would be upset about you leaving, unless he believes it will be bad for his relationship with your family? Because if you’re not really required to do anything, or only some irrelevant stuff to kill time – I don’t see other reasons for him to be upset.

I believe it’s totally okay for you to look for another job, something you’ll enjoy and where you’ll be able to use your skills and talents. However, if you got this job because of your family, there might be another side of the story – perhaps too much influence of your family in your life? Anything like that?

Dear Anna,

you are very welcome.

I am sorry your ex is giving you such a hard time. The fact that he threatened to sue you for something you said, and also that he acts superior pretending to wish you all the best – is a pretty clear indicator to me that he is narcissistic. Narcissistic people tend to threaten and seek revenge, and yet keep saying how good and caring they are, while you are the bad guy.

I am glad this was the last straw and you blocked him everywhere. But it seems he still has a big impact on you because you take his words seriously and you believe him, right? You say his email made you cry – and I can imagine he said some really nasty things and you took it to heart, right?

I am sorry he is torturing you like that. It seems he really ruined your self-esteem and made you doubt yourself. You can recover, Anna, but it’s important that you don’t believe his accusations! You are not a bad person, you’re not narcissistic (I guess he accused you of being narcissistic because you dared to express your own needs?). He is trying to put you down, so he can control you and have power over you. Narcissistic people need to feel better than others – that’s the only way they can feel good about themselves.

I understand it’s hard for you to face all of this alone, with your two good friends not really able to offer much help. You can post here and share your struggles, if you’d like. You don’t need to hold back. I’ll try to help.

Also, there are good youtube videos on narcissism. One of the most famous youtube experts on narcissism is Dr. Ramani – you can check her channel.

Another super helpful youtube channel is Crappy Childhood Fairy, with tons of videos on how to heal from childhood trauma aka complex PTSD. She has a good video on narcissism, titled Narcissistic Abuse: These Characteristics Make you Vulnerable. Maybe you’ll recognize yourself and your ex in the story she presents.

Please know that his abuse is NOT your fault and that you didn’t deserve it. And that you are not the bad person he is portraying to you to be! I hope you can accept it and start your recovery slowly from there… This should also give you a little more energy to get things going, little by little.

Hope to talk to you soon!

Dear wannieK,

you’ve got a lot of maturity and self-awareness, and I am glad that writing this down helped you gain more clarity. He was very attached to you, even clingy, and you weren’t really in love with him, weren’t attracted to him either. He would have allowed you to date girls and experiment while you were with him, but you had enough respect and empathy for him to refuse such an arrangement:

Ultimately, I told him I wouldn’t allow him to treat himself so low like that and he should know his worth. I didn’t want to settle with him because that would be unfair to him and selfish of me. I told him that I would be hindering his chance on finding the right person for him. I also was honest and told him I never felt attracted to him thus couldn’t love him as much as he loved me

You actually respected him more than he respected himself, and that shows you are a good, caring person. Even though he thought that staying with you while you were not really treating him well is less painful than being without you, you did the right thing and cut things off. I guess he was codependent and you didn’t allow this to continue, for his own sake.

after the breakup he couldnt get out of bed for a month and couldnt focus in secondary school to the point of having to drop out. Hearing that broke my heart, I ruined a person’s life and I had the audacity to re-enter.

Well, it takes two to tango. You didn’t ruin his life – if anyone, he was ruining his own life with his codependency. Yes, he was in great pain because you didn’t give him the love he hoped for. But still, if he actually dropped out of school after the breakup because he was completely broken – it’s not only your responsibility, it’s his too. Because I imagine that he was destroyed like that because he had abandonment issues, stemming most probably from his childhood. So the pain he felt after you left him was augmented by that old pain that he carried inside of him.

Anyway, don’t blame yourself for ruining his life. You did hurt him, but you’re not responsible for the immensity of pain that he felt and for his dropping out of school.

He said he is dating someone now and he seemed genuinely happy. I may regret my decision now bc I just lost a great guy, but I believe it happened for a reason: I wouldn’t be as self-aware of my red flags and my ex would’ve lived in mental turmoil and insecurity if I settled.

Yeah, you were not attracted to him. He might be a great guy, but not a great guy for you. You’re young, you don’t need to settle for people whom you’re not attracted to. You don’t want to be in a relationship out of pity or a sense of guilt. So you did the right thing – you set both of you free.

Writing this gave me a sense of clarity as to why the breakup had to happen, I saved my ex from myself.

Well, you might be a little harsh on yourself here. You’re actually a loving and caring person. But you couldn’t give love to him. And you didn’t want to pretend and force yourself…. You were very honest with him, which is commendable too.

I have a lot of things to fix within myself before I can enter another relationship. I do not want to hurt a person who is willing to give me the world again…

Yes, I guess you do need to find out what you really want and work on some issues. This is as a side note, but you’ve mentioned that you can never apologize in person. One reason for that could be that we were made to apologize a lot in our childhood for things we haven’t done (i.e. unjustly accused). So perhaps this could be why you can’t bear to apologize in person?

I just quit the job we both work at, now there is absolutely zero contact b/w us. This is the start of a new me

I think it’s a good decision you don’t work in the same place. You can give yourself a fresh start, rather than blaming yourself and regretting things. I wish you a great new start with lots of self-discovery and healing! 🙂

Dear Anna,

no, I did spend some time with him in person before deciding to move to his country. I guess he was showing me his good side and mirroring me, what toxic people do..Plus, I did ignore a few red flags.

Oh right.. if he was a narcissist, he might have been love bombing you. Or simply telling you what you wanted to hear. It’s good you’re aware of those red flags now…

I hope soon I’ll be strong enough to cut contact with him altogether..

Yes, if he is a toxic person, I guess keeping contact with him isn’t really helping, unless you have to be in touch for practical/logistical reasons.

It’s just I’m even more lost now because I feel I’m losing two of my friends, one of them someone who I considered my best friend.

Do you feel it’s because you have changed, or perhaps it’s them? I am asking because you said your best friend is going through a hard time as well, so perhaps that’s why she isn’t able to support you the way you’d want to? You said she used to be your safe haven – could it be that her personal struggles make her less able to be that stable point in your life?

I hope to get a job at least soon, so that I could travel and afford a therapy.

I wish you success in landing a job. If I may suggest something: you said you don’t know what career path to choose and that you have brain fog. My advice is to not be too picky with jobs at this point, since you need the money. Once you get a job and get things going and start the positive spiral again, the brain fog will clear and you’ll be able to decide what career path to take, where to live etc.

But at this point, I’d say don’t put so much pressure on yourself to make the perfect decision. Just take something, even if it’s not the job of your dreams, and get the ball rolling. Once you get up on you feet, you can switch to something more appealing and long-term.

What do you say?

Dear Dafne,

you are welcome!

This man seems to be honest with his intentions but not yet ready emotionally to move on. I’ve met some men before pretending to want a relationship when in fact they just wanted to have fun or use me for another things (eg. looking after kids, language lessons, cooking etc.)

Yes, he is honest about his intentions. However, his intention is NOT to have a serious relationship with you, not even to meet you in public, but only to meet in his apartment and have sex. He told you that openly. So even if he isn’t trying to fool you about what he wants – he is still not the man who can give you what you are looking for.

I live in a very small town where most of the people are already married, retired or interested only in casual relationships. It is why I feel that I won’t have a new chance any time soon.

You only need one decent guy, and I am sure there is one such person out there. If not in your town, then in the area. You don’t need to chase this guy, who told you openly that he is not interested in a real relationship.

Also, if I really wanted to get this man out of his shell, what would you suggest?

As I said, I understand your attraction to unavailable men because they remind you of your father. You think you’ll be able to turn this guy into the man of your dreams, even though he doesn’t show any signs of wanting to change, or wanting to change because of you.

When you refused to go to his apartment, “He was very disappointed and said that if I do not want to come to his place then he doesnt want to go to the exhibition.” This shows he is still not interested in meeting you in a public place and getting to know you – he is only interested in sex with you. Nothing changed since the day you first met.

My friend adviced me to call him and say that I want that we both compromise (if we want to keep seeing each other). She said that she can think of 3 suggestions:

Dear Dafne, he only wants to see you for sex. Is that okay with you? If not, then please don’t pursue him any more.

1. Tell him that I want to show him my favourite place for walks or taking a drink (near my appartement) and would like that he takes me there and after we can go to his place but no sex

The first part (meeting in public for a walk and talk) is good. The second part is not necessary. If you don’t want to have sex with him, why would you go to his apartment? And secondly, you shouldn’t need to bribe the guy with sex so that he would go out for a walk with you.

2. To invite him to my place for a short tea time and then trying to get him in public near my place

Again, this is bribing him with private time (where he can try to have sex with you), so that he would go out to talk to you.

3. To accept his invitation to his place (before 9.30 pm) and saying upfront that there will be no sex. If he refuses, there is no point to keep on trying.

Why would you go to his place and expect that he wouldn’t initiate sex? What do you really expect of him in such a setting? Okay, I know you expect he’d finally open up and start talking to you…. but if he really wants that, he would do that in a public place too, during a walk or a coffee together. You don’t need to be in his apartment if you want him to open up. If you go to his apartment, it will mean only one thing for him: that you’re willing to be convinced to have sex.

Tee, which of these suggestions would you advice to use? Personally, I do not feel like inviting him over is good at this stage but maybe I’m wrong.

I really need to try one more time even if it sounds desperate.

Unfortunately, none of these ideas are good. I know you feel desperate, Dafne, I know you think he is your last chance. But that’s not true at all. You can find a good guy if you stop settling for breadcrumbs thrown at you by bad guys. Honestly, I am concerned that if you keep pursuing this guy, you may get burnt. He might take advantage of you if you agree to go to his apartment again.

So my advice is: don’t try to bribe him with sex, i.e. don’t agree to meet in either his or your place – before you go out and spend time in public for at least 3 times. If he isn’t willing to spend time with you in public, he is no good.

I wish you strength in this, Dafne. Don’t sell yourself short, you are worth so much more!