Dear SereneWolf,

Ah I see, Hope you find a really good doctor that helps for your health much better

thank you!

Yes I knew that well but since she wasn’t comfortable opening up with therapist I felt like I should help her much as much as I can. But in result it just emotionally drained me because yeah it was one-sided help.

Yes, it was just you helping her, being like her therapist, which is not an equal relationship. And yes, it’s emotionally draining, specially when you see the same issues come up again and again… and nothing changes.

And it sometimes it made me question myself like does it even matter to help people? because at the end of the day they’re going to do just whatever they want.

Yep.. people who don’t want to seek therapy usually don’t want to really help themselves. They tend to complain and maybe feel a bit better when you encourage them, but this only lasts for a short while and they slip back quickly into their old patterns. So no real change happens.

Well kind of yeah both reasons I didn’t feel the need and when I did feel it I was like let’s not rush she’s going to text if she wants it, Why should I seem needy first? That’s what I was thinking

Yeah, that’s you not wanting to show neediness and vulnerability. So there was a moment when you did feel like texting her (that was a spontaneous impulse), but then you shut if down, for fear of appearing needy.

Yes I do feel bad though. Because in short time she’s quite vulnerable with me and I’ve disappointed her already.

Well, your fear got in the way. You can still repair the damage, if you’d want to…

Overthinking and fear I suppose. Like now relationship is gradually getting deeper but soon it will end

What are you telling yourself, i.e. what’s your internal dialogue, which makes you believe it will soon end?

But we actually can’t and that’s what disappoints more. Right?

Correct! We hope to change our parents, and then we hope to change our emotionally unavailable partners, but we don’t succeed. And it leads to disappointment.

Naah he doesn’t do that to me. It’s been a while, he used to do that a lot in past

Good! I am happy you can have a more civil relationship now…

Hi Adam,

I use to feel like she didn’t love me at times when I was younger but it was like you said, I didn’t want to disappoint her and she was only wanting the best for me.

May I ask what she was doing (or not doing) that made you feel like she didn’t love you?

I don’t remember trying to save people when I was younger, it could be I was trying to save myself through intimate partners? It did make me feel good knowing I have someone close in that sense.

Okay, so the desire to save people only developed later, perhaps only with this girl?

Talking about her own issues and she doesn’t want to do damage to others. She obviously cares for me but is she trying to make me pity her? I’m not sure.

I don’t think she is looking for pity. I think she is telling you why she can’t really function in a relationship. Although if she isn’t willing to go to therapy and chooses to suffer alone, that would indicate a certain helplessness and victim mentality – like giving up on herself, thinking nothing will help.

She does want me in her life and told me that talking to me matters a lot to her which is confusing. She is also confused.

So if she gave up on herself but still wants you in your life to talk to her and cheer her up – it would be like having a depressed friend who needs someone to complain to, but doesn’t really want to do anything to help themselves. If she is like that, it would be like you trying to cheer her up, make her feel better, but eventually not succeeding because she doesn’t want to deal with her core issues, i.e. her trauma.

Yes this girl was never too much for me despite all her issues.

Based on her behavior, she does seem like a handful. But for some reason, you have a need to be around her and help her. Perhaps you need to feel helpful and needed, and that your help is appreciated? Whereas in your childhood, with your mother, your efforts were somehow not appreciated and nothing you did could make your mother happy? Just speculating here, please let me know if this is off track…

Dear Caroline,

I want to write you a longer post later, but just wanted to say this quickly now: don’t text her, at least not until you’re clear what the intention of your reaching out is, and how it might impact your current relationship. The implications might be bigger than you want them to be.

So try to hold back a little…. It was a good idea you took a long walk. Maybe put on some loud music and dance to it – whatever helps you to channel that extra energy and adrenaline that is now running through your system.

Think strategically with this one, you still have plenty of time to reach out, if you decide it’s a good idea.

Hi Adam,

really glad I could help! I am not a mental health professional, but I do have some training in mental health topics and personal development. So I am not completely clueless when it comes to human psyche 🙂

I do feel completely rejected as a person, maybe that’s what leads me to thinking some of these negative thoughts about my own character despite knowing I am caring and loving deep down.

I’ve got to ask: is this feeling of being rejected as a person familiar to you? Has it happened before?

I am definitely feeling different about things today and I’m not under the illusion of I could’ve done things differently as much anymore, I pull myself up on it whenever I have that thought.

That’s great! It’s good to hear you can stop yourself from berating yourself and blaming yourself…

Her trauma and mental health is the reason too why she left in my eyes. I think everyone agrees.

Yes, you’re right, it’s definitely not your fault.

I don’t believe someone would be more worthy than me but maybe more compatible?

Well, maybe, who knows… But you don’t want to be with someone who is not compatible with you, do you? And besides, two dysfunctional people can be “compatible” to each other and stay for decades in an dysfunctional marriage, but it’s not really what you’re aiming for, right? Your relationship could have easily become dysfunctional, with her bouncing in and out, and you trying to reassure her all the time… but then it would be a codependent relationship, with you being codependent on her.

Maybe I am blaming myself a bit but it doesn’t feel like I am. However, I do know that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved someone who would stick by me and let me in too support them, even as a friend.

Well, not everyone can remain friends with their exes. So I don’t blame her if she can’t be friends with you (you still don’t know that, but let’s assume it turns out she can’t). So the fact that she can’t be friends with you – because too many emotions are involved – doesn’t mean that you are someone worthy of rejection. If you know what I mean? The fact that she can’t be friends with you doesn’t say anything about your character, your likeability or trustworthiness as a person. You are a great person, and a great friend, but maybe not for her, because she simply can’t be friends with her exes. Can you see that?

I am doing my best to cleanse myself of these “what ifs”.

Awesome! Accept that there was nothing more or different you could have done. You did your best.

Being the abandoned party sucks but I will grow so much from this experience. Whoever it is in the future I will be a lot more vigilant and hesitant, not saying I will completely put my walls up. I think they will go down eventually as I tend to let people in very easily, I’m an honest open person.

Yes, you’ll definitely grow from this experience and draw some lessons too. I think what you need to be aware of is your need to save people. You can’t save people with unresolved trauma, and if you try, you might end up in a dysfunctional relationship. And another lesson: the fact that you couldn’t save someone doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that there is something wrong with you.

I think the most difficult thing for me right now is because she is away, I am still in limbo. She may not know she received a letter and poem, unless her sister who was home when I dropped it off has told her. So its almost like I’m eagerly anticipating that she will get home and read the poem and reach out to me in someway. A part of me really hopes she does but a part of me also thinks maybe it’s best she doesn’t.

Right.. it seems you’d still like her to reach out, even as a friend. But keep in mind that she might not be able to stay friends with you, because too many emotions are involved. So don’t let that determine how you feel about yourself…

I think you’re points are fantastic, I think I am being harsh on myself and not kind enough. Not necessarily blaming me and feeling guilty for what happened.

Thanks! Yeah, you are being somewhat harsh on yourself. Try to accept that it’s not your fault and that you’re a great person, even if things with her didn’t end the way you wanted.

Dear Caroline,

you’re very welcome!

She even told me she was in love with me, and I think I told her this too. But it was so weird, she had some issues with ex girlfriend who found out about me and our “relationship” was not longer a fairy tale, we hurt someone else and then we hurt each other.

I see… so it could be that when her ex found out about you (and perhaps was jealous?), you felt as if you two were hurting her (“we hurt someone else”). And you felt guilty and perhaps believed you don’t deserve the “fairy tale” (was not longer a fairy tale). And you then sabotaged it by cheating on her. Could this be what happened?

She once called me her girlfriend but I did not even react, I think I did not see this text and when I did it was couple days later..

So it seems you disregarded that she told you she was in love with you, and that she called you her girlfriend. And it could be because the guilt was bigger – the guilt that you were hurting someone, even if that someone was her ex (and therefore mostly irrelevant for your relationship).

I know you did not say it wasn’t love, but.. do you think it wasn’t?

Now that I understand it a bit better, I think you did love her, but it seems your guilt was bigger and you sort of sabotaged it.

I think this all comes back to me because it was not processed at the time. I drank and did not want to face those feelings, and now they came back.

You’re right, I think the time has come to process it now… process what happened back then, but have compassion for yourself. Don’t blame yourself. As you said, you had a lot of issues and trauma, so have compassion for the confused and wounded self that you were back then. You can even write an apology letter to her, and then burn it, i.e. never send it. That could be a good closure…

It is true that something is lacking in my life right now, I am calm and things are in order but there is no romance, spontaneous meetings, happiness. It’s more like adult life. Routine. Is it bad?

Yeah, routine without any excitement is pretty bad. Try to spice things up. Perhaps once you process the feelings regarding this ex girlfriend, things might start moving within you, and perhaps some of your joy and excitement for life will come back…

Dear Caroline,

welcome back! 🙂

What you describe as love for this girl 7 years ago seems to me more like an idea of love, an excitement you felt, strong feelings you had… but all that happened in an undefined relationship, where you didn’t even know if you were dating or you were just hooking up. Am I assuming this right?

There was no communication (We did not really communicate and there were lots of misunderstandings), you didn’t talk about the status of your relationship and what you are to each other.

As a result, you “cheated” on her, not knowing you were cheating, assuming she was seeing other people. And then she got hurt, and that’s how you “broke up”.

You think what you felt for her was love (But what I thought then is that I loved her. And now after all these years I think I did love her, that this was love). Well, I believe that even if you loved her, this love wasn’t expressed as it should have been, because it was never communicated properly, and then you cheated on her.

So if it was love, it didn’t seem like love (at least on the outside), and it was mixed with other feelings as well. You did say you had your own issues and trauma, while she was into drugs. So I can imagine it was complicated and there were lots of difficult feelings…

This spring, happiness, love. I miss it and she was there.

It could be that you’re not happy in your current relationship, or with your life in general. And you miss excitement, and the feeling of “love is in the air”. And this makes you daydream about her?

So to me, it’s more like a symptom of something missing in your life and/or your relationship, rather than a sign that you should reach out to her.

What do you think?

Dear SereneWolf,

I’ve visited my hometown and it was good.

good to read from you again! I am glad you had a good time back home.

Have you already visited another doctor? What did S/he? said? Take care of yourself.

I have, but he wasn’t helpful at all… so I’ll keep looking. And thanks for your support!

Because I did felt like I’m the responsible for “saving” her since I was in the relationship with her so I used to think as her best supporter and a lover it’s my responsibility. Otherwise what am I even doing for this relationship?

Yeah, supporting each other is a natural thing in a relationship. But if it’s one-sided and you’re “supporting”, i.e. trying to heal her all the time, that’s not healthy. I mean, you’re not her therapist, you’re her boyfriend. It doesn’t mean you can’t talk about issues, you sure can, but deep emotional wounds can only be healed in therapy, not in a romantic relationship.

Wow so I think 50% means still there’s good chance. Although I’m surprised since US consumes more anti-depressants than any other nation. As per statistics more teens and women.

Yeah, the US probably consumes too many antidepressants. But in terms of emotional health, they might still be better than some other parts of the world… of course, all those are generalizations, so not really relevant.

And yeah she seems pretty upset because I didn’t try to contact her while I was in my hometown, and today she told me that she actually texted me “I miss you” but then deleted because she thought that I’m not missing her so she shouldn’t admit that either. But we’re meeting this weekend so let’s see what happens. and tbh I already feel scared just because she said “I miss you”

Okay, I like that she was honest about wanting to text you, but then deleting it. So she showed her vulnerability after all, even if at first she wanted to hide it.

How come you didn’t text her at all while you were away? Didn’t feel the need, or you stopped yourself because it would have seemed “weak and needy”?

tbh I already feel scared just because she said “I miss you”

Right… what’s the first thing that comes to your mind when she says “I miss you”?

Oh I see I didn’t know that. So it’s also related to PTSD we’ve talked about?

Yes, we (our inner child) is trying to finally get our distant/unloving parent to love us. Only now it’s not the parent but our romantic partner whom we’re trying to change.

Yes It does makes sense. And since I’m practicing more empathy I do see more good qualities that people have around me..

Excellent!

First one isn’t seems hard but yeah second one does seem hard. I think even though I’m getting enough reminders inner critic is still isn’t fully silent.

Okay, so if the inner critic can still make you believe you’re not good enough, it means that your inner child feels not good enough. And you’d need to tell your inner child that he is precious and talented and lovable, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

When those thoughts of “not good enough” start popping up in some form, try to be like general Iroh to your inner child and tell him how precious he is. And that whoever tells him differently is a liar and doesn’t know a thing!

Oh yeah it could be like that! Like I said before about duality, What to do about that?

Be aware of it. I think the main duality in you is 1) the inner child who is afraid of judgment and believes he is unworthy, and 2) the protector (which is the shield around your heart) who wants to protect your inner child from harm. But he is doing it by wrong means – by shutting down intimacy and vulnerability altogether.

What would need to happen is that you be a good parent to your inner child and assure him that he is worthy (as I described above). And you also assure him that you’ll protect him from other people’s judgments and mistreatment (by setting boundaries, learning to say No, etc), should there be need for it.

So you, the adult SereneWolf, become the good and healthy protector for your inner child. Like a good father. That’s how you can replace this unhealthy, toxic protector, who is the Outer Critic/shield around your heart.

I hope it’s not too messy the way I’ve explained it?

He doesn’t talk disrespectfully to me anymore. He talks more calmly to me, Explain things to me.

Good! If he isn’t trying to put you down, isn’t yelling at you etc, that’s great.

Since I’m not living with my family I already spend much less time with my father.. and even when I’m home I mostly spend time with my siblings and mother.

That’s good too. You’re already minimizing the time spent with him, even during your visits, and instead spend time with those in whose company you feel good and not judged…

Hi Adam,

To answer your question one of the conditions my psych said was to actually say that therapy is a must so I know she is making the changes. But again it’s hard as she wouldn’t want to be forced but I think it would have to come to that for my own security.

I agree with your therapist that she would need to seek professional help, and not rely exclusively on self-help or you helping her. Her issues are big enough to warrant therapy. This I think should be your precondition if she wants to get back together some time in the future. If she resists, of course you can’t force it, but you can still stick to this requirement. As you yourself said it, it’s important for your own mental and emotional safety.

Deep down I know she was lucky to have me. I genuinely do love myself and things I do for people, I always go above and beyond. I know im good without hearing it from others.

This is so good to hear, Adam. I am happy that you love yourself and don’t need to seek confirmation from her or anybody else.

Girls are definitely my biggest killer as I tend to get attached and obsessive which is what I will be looking at next with my psych. My first issue was the weed smoking but now I have good control over that and I’m happy where I am with that.

It’s great you could put smoking under control. That’s a great achievement!

As for the girls, it seems to me that in your previous relationships you were less attached to them than you were to your last girlfriend:

I probably wasn’t very considerate during my first couple relationships. They would definitely frustrate me a lot with their own problems which is harsh to say. …. I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back. I was smoking full time during them and it was a problem but I couldn’t stop.

Am I right thinking that you didn’t want to be too attached to your previous girlfriends, and it was more like that they were needy and clingy, while you were more of the avoidant one? They wanted something from you, and you found it annoying and just wanted to be left alone and smoke weed? (maybe this is oversimplification – let me know what the dynamic with them was?)

Whereas with this girl, things were different:

However this girl was different as I actually want to help her and be there for her.

None of them I felt for how I did this girl. Every moment seemed so real and there was no second guessing my heart at all. It really felt like destiny or a higher force to me and that’s why I wanted to give it my all.

For her, you stopped smoking weed. You didn’t want to break up (like you did with you past exes), you were clinging to the relationship, no matter how hard it was. You didn’t find her annoying, and you didn’t feel like you were walking on eggshells, even though she was quite sensitive to how you were treating her.

It’s almost like the roles were reversed in this relationship: you were the one who was clingy, and she, with her frequent breakups and her dissociation/withdrawal behaviors, was like the avoidant one.

I don’t know how significant this is, but thought to mention it, since I’ve just noticed it. Anyway, let me know what you think…