Dear Anna,

no, I did spend some time with him in person before deciding to move to his country. I guess he was showing me his good side and mirroring me, what toxic people do..Plus, I did ignore a few red flags.

Oh right.. if he was a narcissist, he might have been love bombing you. Or simply telling you what you wanted to hear. It’s good you’re aware of those red flags now…

I hope soon I’ll be strong enough to cut contact with him altogether..

Yes, if he is a toxic person, I guess keeping contact with him isn’t really helping, unless you have to be in touch for practical/logistical reasons.

It’s just I’m even more lost now because I feel I’m losing two of my friends, one of them someone who I considered my best friend.

Do you feel it’s because you have changed, or perhaps it’s them? I am asking because you said your best friend is going through a hard time as well, so perhaps that’s why she isn’t able to support you the way you’d want to? You said she used to be your safe haven – could it be that her personal struggles make her less able to be that stable point in your life?

I hope to get a job at least soon, so that I could travel and afford a therapy.

I wish you success in landing a job. If I may suggest something: you said you don’t know what career path to choose and that you have brain fog. My advice is to not be too picky with jobs at this point, since you need the money. Once you get a job and get things going and start the positive spiral again, the brain fog will clear and you’ll be able to decide what career path to take, where to live etc.

But at this point, I’d say don’t put so much pressure on yourself to make the perfect decision. Just take something, even if it’s not the job of your dreams, and get the ball rolling. Once you get up on you feet, you can switch to something more appealing and long-term.

What do you say?

Dear Dafne,

you are welcome!

This man seems to be honest with his intentions but not yet ready emotionally to move on. I’ve met some men before pretending to want a relationship when in fact they just wanted to have fun or use me for another things (eg. looking after kids, language lessons, cooking etc.)

Yes, he is honest about his intentions. However, his intention is NOT to have a serious relationship with you, not even to meet you in public, but only to meet in his apartment and have sex. He told you that openly. So even if he isn’t trying to fool you about what he wants – he is still not the man who can give you what you are looking for.

I live in a very small town where most of the people are already married, retired or interested only in casual relationships. It is why I feel that I won’t have a new chance any time soon.

You only need one decent guy, and I am sure there is one such person out there. If not in your town, then in the area. You don’t need to chase this guy, who told you openly that he is not interested in a real relationship.

Also, if I really wanted to get this man out of his shell, what would you suggest?

As I said, I understand your attraction to unavailable men because they remind you of your father. You think you’ll be able to turn this guy into the man of your dreams, even though he doesn’t show any signs of wanting to change, or wanting to change because of you.

When you refused to go to his apartment, “He was very disappointed and said that if I do not want to come to his place then he doesnt want to go to the exhibition.” This shows he is still not interested in meeting you in a public place and getting to know you – he is only interested in sex with you. Nothing changed since the day you first met.

My friend adviced me to call him and say that I want that we both compromise (if we want to keep seeing each other). She said that she can think of 3 suggestions:

Dear Dafne, he only wants to see you for sex. Is that okay with you? If not, then please don’t pursue him any more.

1. Tell him that I want to show him my favourite place for walks or taking a drink (near my appartement) and would like that he takes me there and after we can go to his place but no sex

The first part (meeting in public for a walk and talk) is good. The second part is not necessary. If you don’t want to have sex with him, why would you go to his apartment? And secondly, you shouldn’t need to bribe the guy with sex so that he would go out for a walk with you.

2. To invite him to my place for a short tea time and then trying to get him in public near my place

Again, this is bribing him with private time (where he can try to have sex with you), so that he would go out to talk to you.

3. To accept his invitation to his place (before 9.30 pm) and saying upfront that there will be no sex. If he refuses, there is no point to keep on trying.

Why would you go to his place and expect that he wouldn’t initiate sex? What do you really expect of him in such a setting? Okay, I know you expect he’d finally open up and start talking to you…. but if he really wants that, he would do that in a public place too, during a walk or a coffee together. You don’t need to be in his apartment if you want him to open up. If you go to his apartment, it will mean only one thing for him: that you’re willing to be convinced to have sex.

Tee, which of these suggestions would you advice to use? Personally, I do not feel like inviting him over is good at this stage but maybe I’m wrong.

I really need to try one more time even if it sounds desperate.

Unfortunately, none of these ideas are good. I know you feel desperate, Dafne, I know you think he is your last chance. But that’s not true at all. You can find a good guy if you stop settling for breadcrumbs thrown at you by bad guys. Honestly, I am concerned that if you keep pursuing this guy, you may get burnt. He might take advantage of you if you agree to go to his apartment again.

So my advice is: don’t try to bribe him with sex, i.e. don’t agree to meet in either his or your place – before you go out and spend time in public for at least 3 times. If he isn’t willing to spend time with you in public, he is no good.

I wish you strength in this, Dafne. Don’t sell yourself short, you are worth so much more!

Hi Mr. Ritz,

So I’m wondering how to deal with this to avoid another incident?
If I’m not feeling any strong emotions when I hear the news, what am I supposed to do to avoid the anxiety later?

Well, you said that this suggestion of mine sounds pretty accurate:

But in any case, it seems like something is triggered – something that is beyond your conscious awareness. One possibility why things are beyond our conscious awareness is that they were not allowed to be expressed, typically in our childhood (say we weren’t allowed to cry or show weakness), and so we have suppressed them.

So if you have problems expressing emotions (let’s say fear), and it comes out indirectly, in form of an anxiety attack, then I guess you’d need to get in touch with that fear. It most probably stems from your childhood, so I think you’d need to work on some of your childhood memories (those that were hurtful) and process what happened to you.

You mentioned you’ll start seeing a new psychiatrist. Is she also offering counseling/psychotherapy? Because I guess that’s what you’d need if you want to address childhood issues.

Hi Mr. Ritz,

That also should be true. This friend is one of the most relaxed mellow guys I know, but his wife is pretty intense. He may suppress some anger, but I’ve never seen him let it out.

Yes, it could be: if the guy is mellow and never stands up to his intense (probably angry, criticizing?) wife, it is likely that he has a lot of suppressed anger, which he isn’t allow to show. Maybe not even to himself. But the anger is building up and can cause high blood pressure, for example. Although you say he doesn’t have high blood pressure either, so that’s kind of curious.

In any case, I think it helps if we try to deal with those emotional blockages and let our emotions “flow” (best in therapy), because it might help prevent some of the physical symptoms too.

P.S. Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.

Dear Dafne,

you’re most welcome! I am happy you found my message comforting and that you started to look at your life from a new perspective.

I’ve spent past few days by myself. For the first time I didn’t run away from my own thoughts and feelings but just sat there and let myself feel everything.

Great! I am glad that you spent time self-reflecting, feeling your feelings and staying present with them…. that in itself is so healing, Dafne!

One of my biggest challenges is to make my own decisions. I am always afraid that I will hurt a person or that I’ve said or done the wrong thing. That’s why I always ask for someone’s advice. I am afraid of rejection.

Tee, how do I brake that pattern and why there is so much fear behind any romantic decision (eg. replying a simple text message, talking on the phone or analysing my every move and regretting that I could do it better)?

When we were not loved properly, or only conditionally loved, we fear rejection. We believe it’s our fault that our parents rejected us (which is not true!), and we try everything in our power to be perfect (to say the perfect words, send the perfect text, do things perfectly…) – so we wouldn’t be rejected. I think your worrying about what you said or did is a part of that same attempt – trying to be perfect so that the person (your father) would finally love you and accept you.

You break this pattern by learning to love yourself more… We can talk about the methods how to do it, if you’d like to.

He thought of asking me for a drink but then decided not to as I am looking for something more serious. I told him that I’m also afraid of men as much as he is afraid of women but still would like to try and in the worst case we stay friends. His reply was that he thinks that I deserve someone special and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. It all seemed very honest.

Well, in the paragraph above he honestly told you his intentions: that he isn’t looking for anything serious. That’s why he didn’t reply to your text. He also told you that he doesn’t want to hurt you (by his selfishness) and that it’s better you find someone who can give you what you want. And he told you it’s not him.

He also told you he doesn’t want a relationship right now and doesn’t want to be seen with you in public:

It turns out he signed the divorce papers but doesn’t want any relationship right now and is not ready to go out.

However, you still wanted to keep communicating with him, probably hoping that he’d still want something serious, eventually, i.e. that he would change his mind, right? And so you invited him to an exhibition, to which he immediately invited you to his place. Since you said yes, he decided to try his luck again and get to you to have sex with him. So he texted you the same evening to come over to his place. He wasn’t interested in the exhibition, getting to know you etc. He tried to cut corners and get you to sleep with him – on that same night!

By the way, I am sure he wouldn’t have invited you to his place if his son was really asleep in the other room. That was a lie. Same as probably what he told you about divorce papers – this could have easily been a lie too. Because he still doesn’t want to be seen with you in public. So it could be that he is still very much married….

He was very disappointed and said that if I do not want to come to his place then he doesnt want to go to the exhibition.

Here is your proof – he is not interested in any exhibition. He only wants one thing…

I really would like to give him the chance but don’t know how. Shall I just call him and say that I will come on the weekend but earlier? At what point shall I tell him that I won’t accept the casual sex but I can accept a bit of romantic closeness (say it in the car or when I get to his place)? How far is too far?

I understand that you want to give him a chance – it’s the little girl in you who would like to believe that the man she loves (her father) will eventually love her back…. That’s why you want to give this man a chance, even if he clearly told you that he’s not interested in a relationship, that he’s not interested in anything serious and that he doesn’t want to be seen with you in public.

Dear Dafne, this man can’t give you what you want, and he told you so. He doesn’t want to get to know you and see you as a person. He is the antithesis of what you really want… But the little girl in you would want him to be the fulfillment of her dreams… Please, stop contacting this man and focus on healing yourself and your inner child – on giving her what she really needs.

I wanted to see him but my fear was stronger. And my friend advised to go another time, but bit earlier and when the son is not there. Tee, what do you think of her advice? I thought it is better when his son is there as he might be more careful.

I am glad that your fear was stronger. This man would have hurt you. It’s good that you didn’t agree to go, but it wasn’t necessary to invent an excuse (such as that your car broke down). It is absolutely acceptable to say No to an invitation to a man’s place at 9:30 pm. You would have been in the same situation as last time, only now he might have been more insisting. And I am almost sure his son (if he has one) wasn’t sleeping in the other room…

And yes, you’re right, I want a man who sees more than a sex object in me. Someone who is interested in me as a person. Maybe it takes time Maybe he can open up slowly? Is there any way to know?

It’s good that you’re clear on what you want: someone who is interested in you as a person. This man unfortunately is not like that. He is the antithesis of that. I hope you can see that now…

I hope this wasn’t too much to hear, Dafne, but this is the truth. You deserve a man who will really see you and care about you. This guy isn’t that. You deserve so much better, and you can have it too. You just need to do some healing before, so you can stand up for yourself better and not be tricked by selfish men.

Dear Jamie,

you are most welcome, glad I could help.

It honestly amazes me that they did not stopped at criticizing the other people from the destroyed online community, but pretty much everybody else in their lives, too. Now that I’ve actually stop and thought about it over these past couple of days, I realize that they were the type to complain about their own family members, neighbors, people they work or go to school with, and so on. To them, if you’re not also this moody badmouther who hates anything peaceful or joyful, then you’re someone worth criticizing, and… honestly, you’re right. It was toxic. It is toxic.

Yes, it does seem toxic. Because it seems the only thing these people ever did was criticize. They were chronic complainers.

And so no wonder that when you started feeling better about yourself (when I became happier and happier in general… as time went on and I slowly found my self-esteem rising as a result of personal healing), they started attacking you and criticizing you.

Because they didn’t want to do what you did: take responsibility for your own life and healing. They didn’t want that – they wanted to keep blaming the world and outer circumstances. You were a reminder to them that things could be different – if they make an effort. But they didn’t want to, and so they started blaming you.

You said one of them specially resented you because she felt you were more privileged, and so she was jealous of you. That’s really bad when people focus only on what they don’t have, instead of being grateful for what they do have (they felt they had nothing to have gratitude over).

But again, I’m happy we did not worked out ultimately because I don’t want to be as unhappy as they are.

Great! I am happy too that you didn’t make amends with them and agree to follow the “poor me” narrative and blame everyone else…

The thing that helped me most was visualizing myself being able to talk to my younger versions and being like a mother figure to them, since I essentially grew up without one around me (emotionally speaking).

Being a good, loving mother to your inner child is a great practice! If you’re doing that already, I don’t have anything special to recommend. I too grew up without an emotionally supportive mother, so giving my inner child the love and appreciation was what helped me a lot…

I wish I could have figured everything out by now, but sadly life is never that simple or always goes according to my personal timetable.

I get the feeling that you’re still quite young, so you couldn’t have possibly figured out everything by now 🙂 In fact, we learn till we’re alive, so…

I was once the fool one too many times with people who pretended to be wounded just so I could help them, and all so they could take advantage of me in other ways.

I see… you wanted to help people, and then they took advantage of you? Perhaps you were attracted to this toxic group too, because you felt sorry for them and wanted to help them (since they were complaining so much), but then they turned against you?

I’m still not sure on how to look out for predators like that, though I feel more protective of myself naturally now than back then, thankfully.

If you find yourself only giving and not receiving anything, or receiving just breadcrumbs in a relationship – that’s one of the red flags. We can talk more about it, if you’d like to. I am glad that you feel a bit more protective of yourself nowadays…

Dear Saoirse,

you are very welcome! I wish you the best possible resolution of this dilemma. Let us know how it went, or if you need some more help.