Dear SereneWolf,

How are you?

I’m having some health issues that have surfaced only recently, in the last couple of weeks or so, and which do worry me. I am looking for treatment options and hoping for the best. Please don’t ask me about the details, I don’t feel like sharing too much about it at this point. But thank you for inquiring about my well-being, I do appreciate it.

I am glad you found some peace of mind in that Henry Cloud’s video. Yes, you’re already doing a lot – realizing your issues, asking for help (both here and in therapy), and making concrete steps, practicing new things, slowly but surely changing your approach.

Slowly but surely becoming more compassionate with yourself, by “treating myself like I’m my own best friend, Being Mindful, And I’m not in need of validation from others“. I mean, if you treat yourself like you’re your own best friend, that’s pretty self-compassionate.

However, as you say, there is another part of you, who is impatient, pushing yourself to do more and better every single day. This part is also frustrated and judging you if you don’t perform, i.e. meet your own high and impossible standards (in few months I feel like I worked a lot on my soft skills I’m still not proud of myself and still wanting more and more). That’s the inner critic. Your inner critic seems like a drill sergeant, pushing you to do more and more, not allowing you to take any rest.

This inner critic/drill sergeant is never happy with your performance. Even though you’ve only started working 2-3 months ago, and are the youngest manager in your company, and have started working on your soft skills and even implemented some employees-friendly measures in your department – the drill sergeant is still not happy. He is pushing you to do more and faster!

He is one cruel guy, isn’t he? And I hope you can see that you can never please this guy. You’ll never be good enough for him.

What you need is to strengthen the compassionate, good parent part, who will tell the drill sergeant to back off. Who will protect you from his demands, his cruelty and his lack of empathy. You are already developing this compassionate part, and your goal is to strengthen it further.

So each time when you hear the voice telling you “this isn’t enough, this is so far from where you need to be, you need to speed things up, you’re such a disappointment…” – you need to tell him to BACK OFF. Like a good parent would protect his child from a bully, you need to protect yourself from this bully in your head. You need to stop listening to him.

If the army analogy resonates with you, you can even imagine that this empathic guy, who will put the drill sergeant in his place, is someone higher in rank (a colonel, lieutenant or general – if I understood the military ranks correctly 🙂 ). So a colonel might tell the drill sergeant to back off and leave you alone. Or, if you don’t like the military analogy, you can come up with another person you admire, who is a kind, warm and empathic father figure.

I was doing some things in my childhood that my parents considered reckless. Eg. Skipping my primary school classes sometimes to see lion in the green fields of my village. Or just foxes or deer. But with group of people obviously not all alone. Because It was really exciting for me. I’ve literally seen how lioness gave birth to a lion cub and I still remember that moment vividly.
Another time I was crazy enough to walk down on the unknown road for 12kms just because I wanted to find out where it goes because there wasn’t any sign and I asked one man there what’s there and he laughed and told me why you don’t find out? because I don’ know, So I walked but luckily at the evening time another man from my village was there and he got me back home safely.

My father was furious, and my mom was crying. = more restrictions for me

I was around 8-9 years old that time.

Okay, I understand your parents’ concern – they didn’t know where you were the whole afternoon, and it was already evening when you came back! They were very scared. Women when they are afraid usually cry (like your mother did), and men usually get angry (like your father did). So your parents’ reaction was kind of normal…

But I wonder if you knew that they would be worried and went to explore anyway, or you thought there wouldn’t be any consequences? Or your curiosity was stronger and you couldn’t stop yourself, even if you knew your parents would be worried?

Hmm I’m not actually worried about losing my freedom because I’m really independent now and my parents knows well about my freedom mindset.

Alright, good that your parents accepted your freedom mindset. This freedom mindset, if I am interpreting correctly, also includes your desire for exploration and trying out new things, right? It’s a healthy attitude, and in some spiritual teachings it’s called the expansive principle, which is necessary for growth. The problem is if we take it to the extreme by e.g. doing reckless things, which might endanger our life and our health. Or if we work ourselves to death and never rest, all in the name of  “expansion”, growth and excellence.

You see what I mean? Too much expansion can be bad… unless we balance it with self-care, nurturance, rest, tending to what we have, rather than thinking of new acquisitions all the time. This other principle is called the contracting principle, and it’s a necessary force in the universe, otherwise things would blow apart. We are in harmony when both principles are in harmony within us, neither of them overly dominating. Alright, maybe this is too much philosophy, but I am mentioning it anyway, in case you find it helpful…

But maybe I still have to look deeper about what I’m grateful for and actually be happy about it. Instead of running for one goal to another.

Yes, being grateful and happy for what you have is maybe the best antidote for the overly expansive and acquisition-oriented mindset.

One little kitten started to come to my place frequently so she’s kind of my pet now. Even though I don’t know much about taking care of cats I’m loving this

That’s sweet! Just give her (or leave her) some food, she’ll sure come again!

So There’s this girl, few months ago and she wanted to be in relationship with me and I told her no and after that we were just talking sometimes. Like two times a week or even less. Nothing Romantic.

Were you talking to her while you were in a LDR with another girl? You’ve mentioned some problems in your current LDR – are you still with that girl?

Also, how you can make text color blue here?

You mark the text you want to quote, and you press the quote button (third from the left) in the task bar.

Thank you so much, Helcat!

Dear SereneWolf,

Do you make new year resolutions every year?

No, I’ve stopped doing that long ago. I used to, but I’ve never followed through, so it was pointless. Just recently I’ve watched a Henry Cloud video, where he said that unless we don’t change anything in our routine, what difference will a flip of the calendar make?

The way I see it, New Year’s resolutions sound good in theory, because we’re beginning a new year, with all those possibilities in front of us. But we’ll need to introduce some changes (first in our mindset, and then in our routine too) if we really want those goals to come true.

Yes, that is what I’m trying to do but it’s no easy thing to be honest

When is it the hardest for you to be compassionate with yourself? Maybe if you can give me an example?

Remember when I told you that I believe in action-oriented things? So It’s because of this, otherwise I just dwell in overthinking about outcomes, and it takes lot of time and drain my energy as well. Although it still happens sometimes

So if I understood you well, you are action-oriented and strive to implement new things ASAP, without too much thinking about it and analyzing it in advance, because if you do, you’ll end up overthinking and it will drain your energy. Is this what you’re saying? So you just plunge into it right away, and see what happens?

If so, it’s not necessarily a bad strategy. You can be action-oriented and still compassionate with yourself. For example, you can tell yourself something like “okay, let’s try introducing the employees’ feedback box and see how they like it”. You’re kind of curious and relaxed about the outcome.

But if you say to yourself “I want to learn how to be a great leader by the end of the month, and I need to introduce the employee’s feedback box and all these other novelties, because that should help me become a great leader in 30 days” – well that would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your attitude is, but perhaps it’s something similar to the latter?

Maybe yes.. That time first thing I wanted was Freedom which I have now and I’m really appreciating it. And If I didn’t moved out I don’t think I’d be developed this much as per mindset.

Because my parents are overprotective. For example I started swimming classes and after a week I’ve told them but at village in my teenage years they be like don’t go inside deep water and do this and that and me and my siblings weren’t allowed to go swimming without my cousin who’s an expert swimmer, but I didn’t learned swimming like that. Even when I started swimming lessons, they asked hundreds of questions. If I’m getting watery eyes, Water is too cold and blah blah.. But finally I’ve learned swimming because My parents weren’t around me to stop.

I see… so your motivation was to be free both from their judgment, but also from their constraints and limitations. They were overprotective, they tried to stop you from learning new things, because they were afraid for your safety. And too afraid indeed, because you weren’t trying to do anything dangerous or reckless, but you were simply trying to learn how to swim – and you took swimming classes. You weren’t trying to learn to swim alone, in a lake or a river, without anyone to oversee you. But they were still afraid…

I can relate because my mother refused to buy me a bike, because she was afraid I’d get overrun by a car… And so I’ve never learned how to ride a bike in my childhood, and it got ever more difficult as I got older. I did try it as an adult but never got good at bike riding… because of my mother’s fears.

So the thing that I noticed is that first of all even parents are not believing in their kids that they can handle themselves and making them feel more dependent or not enough, which is kind of true reality for lot of families here nowadays.

You’re right, many parents fear for their kids, to the point of being overprotective and stifling their child’s growth and development. My mother was certainly like that, and I myself was quite an anxious child too, so I stayed by my mother’s side rather than venturing out to explore the world…

Luckily, you were a different type. You didn’t allow yourself to get intimidated by them. You ventured out on your own, and dared to try many new things.

Yes I agree with this. That’s why I’m trying to be mindful about my inner voice now even though nowadays it’s keep telling what’s next? what are you doing?

I wonder if the push to always try new things and never give yourself a break is in part related to your fear of being “subdued” and made dependent/controlled by your parents? A subconscious fear that if you don’t keep moving, they’ll catch up with you and “restrain” you and you’ll lose your freedom?

Dear Helcat,

thank you for your good wishes!

The health challenges I’ve mentioned have only just started recently, and I am yet to see a doctor. It could be serious and debilitating, but I hope it won’t turn out that way. But yes, please do include me in your prayers.

I like the prayer you’ve shared. “May we live freely with good bodies and healthy minds” is what resonates strongly with me.

Dear Lost1Flow,

you’re welcome, and happy New Year to you!

She always thought I deserved someone who “treated me better”, but I honestly was happy enough. … I think she was jealous that he was taking away my time from her, which I only really realized when I was away from it.

It does seem your mother wasn’t motivated only by her concern for you and your well-being, but also by her self-interest to have you near her, being completely dedicated to her.

You say that you are her “sole friend/companion/emotional support/aid” – which means you are meeting all of her emotional needs. No wonder she wants to keep you just for herself.

But that’s pretty selfish of her. When she says she wants you to live your life, I don’t think she is really honest about it. Because if you lived your own life, cared about your own needs and even had someone else in your life – you wouldn’t be able to care for her so much, and be her emotional crutch.

She has been a good mother me, though. I’m painting a terribly one-sided picture. I know she made sacrifices for me growing up

Maybe she did make sacrifices for you, but now she is asking you to sacrifice your life for her. Good parents usually don’t expect that kind of sacrifice…

I am sorry if this isn’t the most positive note to start the new year on, but I feel it’s the reality that needs to be taken into account…

Dear Lost1Flow,

I’d like to address something you’ve said about your family:

I had a chance at having my own life, with a man I really loved years ago, but my family kept me away from him. Now he’s married. How do I move past the resentment that they kept me (and continue keeping me) from a happy, normal life of my own?

Your family prevented you from building a life with the man you really loved. Since you feel resentment towards them, it tells me they have wronged you. Because he wasn’t a bad person, was he? You could have been happy with him, or at least you could have tried. But your family somehow convinced you to forego that marriage and stay with them, perhaps so you can take care of them?

Your mother says she wants the best for you:

She says she wants me to live my life, but at the same time she’s so dependent on me.

But let me ask you something: when you wanted to marry the man you loved, how supportive was she of that?

Dear Dan,

have you been affected by the recent “bomb cyclone”, like some parts of the US were?

Good to hear you’re planning to return to something you’ve loved since you were 6 years old: martial arts! The more of the enjoyable activities you include in your schedule, I think it will be easier to stay away from unhealthy habits… And of course, dealing with your core wounds would help a lot… Are you still going to therapy?

Happy New Year, Dan! I hope it will be a much better one than the year behind us. I too hope we can stay in touch. All the best to you!

I forgot to say: Happy birthday to you, Katrine! May this New Year be a really good one for you!!

Dear anita, happy birthday to you too! And happy New Year as well!!