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TeeParticipantDear John,
Assuming it is true, any idea what I need to do to fix the problem and what would it actually involve. Therapy of some sort presumably.
I think the most important for you would be to realize that your basic emotional needs were probably not met. And that you’d need what is called reparenting of the inner child.
There is a great video about it on youtube, by Barbara Heffernan, titled “Reparenting yourself.” It gives an overview of what it means to reparent oneself, and what our basic needs are (some of them are self-care, emotional validation, emotional regulation etc).
You can do parts of the reparenting process by yourself, but it would be better to have help of a therapist, someone skilled in working with the inner child or complex PTSD. I’d look for such a therapist, because you said CBT wasn’t too efficient for you.
If you’d like to talk more about it here, on your thread, you’re welcome. I’d be glad to help if I can.
TeeParticipantYou’re welcome, Anil. If you need help in the future, feel free to post again!
TeeParticipantDear SereneWolf,
when we scheduled an online date together and at last minute, she changes her plans and she be like is that okay if we do it later or some other time? Or like when we decided to watch something together and she be like letās talk instead of movie.
The way I see it is that it depends on her intention. If her intention was to spend time with you, and she’d rather talk than watch a movie, I don’t see it as a big problem. Specially if it didn’t happen often. If on the other hand she tended to cancel or change plans often, without any particular reason, that’s already a problem.
In other words, if she was passive-aggressive about it (she would promise something but then always flake on it), that’s not good. But if she would change her mind occasionally, specially it wasn’t such an important thing (like how you’ll spend your date), I don’t see it as a big problem.
And for her it wasnāt much big deal, Sheās like so what itās just a date or a movie Iām like itās not about that, Itās about Keeping your words!
Sure, keeping one’s word is important. But you also have to take into account whether it’s an important thing, like being there for you in time of need, or it’s a minor thing, like choosing which movie to watch. That’s a big difference.
Thatās absolutely right! but yeah Hopeful romantic does sounds lot better. Should we start to write movie script on this?
Hahaha… yeah, it does sound like a movie title, and believe it or not, there already is a movie with such title (I’ve just checked). But anyway, having hope is key… so restoring hope and a positive attitude about relationships is probably what you’ll need as a part of your healing process.
I mean I do currently have lot of people that I admire but like none of them are family members or relatives. And when most of the people who are close to you and when they donāt appreciate maybe thatās why.
Yes, if you got disappointed in your closest relationships, with people who were supposed to love you and support you, it’s hard. The fear and resistance remains in you, and you treat other close relationships (such as romantic relationships) the same.
But like you said instead of knowing them gradually, Mostly I get anxious and have this rush to know everything about them, if we vibe or not, I start to notice little things and overthink about it, And even when thereās much less time weāve spend together, I already start doubting on them
Yeah, this need to know everything about them at once is probably because you want to “be sure” what you’re getting into. And that’s because you want to minimize the potential harm. So I think you actually do it for your own protection – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.
That’s why you also start over-analyzing them and finding their potential “weaknesses” – all because you’re afraid of getting hurt. The latter (the over-analyzing and finding weaknesses in the other person) is a part of the outer critic – which over time sabotages the relationship.
And if we do vibe, again I rush even more and expect them have same intensity as me just so I donāt feel like theyāre not putting any effort into this.
If you do vibe, then you probably want to make sure that they are the right match, so you amp up the efforts, you’re like all in. And perhaps you’re testing them if they show the same amount of intensity as you. And if they don’t (because they have other things going on in their life and can’t dedicate 100% of their time to you), then you’re like “no, that’s not the real thing. She’s not committed like I am”. Is that what happens?
Haha yeah sheās lot more action packed in person (As a doctor should be) But because of her work we canāt meet that much and in texting sheās just like.. Haha, Yeah, good.. I feel like Iām pushing her to type things So Iām texting her less now. And Iām like the opposite, in texting Iām much more talkative than in person, I mean even if itās a new person. But yeah from my previous date we did talked a lot in person and spent a whole day together so who knows.
Good! So you like her and you’re actually keen to communicate with her. Are you starting to notice her “weaknesses” already?
Before when my 1st LDR girlfriend tried to reach out to me after breakup. I told her that I canāt step down from romantic relationship to just āfriendsā Itās really hard for me and I donāt want to work for it. And she told me that itās not about that but I donāt want to lose a person who impacted my life the most and most valuable to me. So just be in contact time to would make me feel much better. And after some thinking I said Yes to her. Because she also did make me more patient person.
Actually, it’s okay if you don’t remain friends with your exes. You don’t need to force yourself to do it. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to her as friends, you can tell her that. But if you’re cool about it and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, then fine.
He said that donāt just run towards challenges but build your mindset that way that, Whatever comes to you, itās not even a challenge for you. Just like training mind to be less fearful about whatās coming next challenging.
Yes, if you define “challenge” as something insurmountable, and it paralyzes you, then yeah, it’s better not to see it as a challenge. But if you define challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow, and something that basically won’t harm you – then you don’t need to fear the word “challenge”. But anyway, as he said: “training mind to be less fearful about whatās coming next” – that’s a good piece of advice.
TeeParticipantDear John,
you’re welcome!
Yes, it’s quite possible that you’re suffering from the fawn response, i.e. appeasing the bully, rather than setting boundaries and protecting yourself.
You say your childhood is not a likely source of your trauma, but only what happened with your wife, starting from your early 20s. Maybe that is so, however I do see some potential red flags in what you said about your childhood:
[about your mother] In many ways she is a very ordinary person who just likes to stay at home in a quiet and peaceful environment where no one bothers her.
[about your parents] She is a good natured person and got in very well with my father in that they never had any significant arguments in all the years they were married.
[about yourself] From childhood to this present day I have never really discussed any of my problems with any family member. ā¦ I was never discouraged from discussing problems but I would never raise them as I would not feel comfortable in doing so.
This potentially paints a picture of a quiet and seemingly “peaceful” home, where your mother expected not to be bothered by you, your brother or your father. And where you as the child might have felt uncomfortable seeking help, protection or soothing from her, since that would have upset her.
If you didn’t want to upset your mother with your problems, that’s already a sign that you haven’t received proper emotional support while growing up, but have learned to deal with problems on your own. Moreover, you might have concluded that you shouldn’t ask anything for yourself and that your needs are not important. If so, you’ve learned how not to stand up for yourself and to endure whatever bothered you silently, on your own.
If any of this is true, it would have been a setup for you later not having the courage to stand up for yourself, even in an abusive relationship. For enduring and trying not to upset the bully – similarly as you tried not to upset your mother. I am not saying your mother was a bully, just that perhaps you’ve learned the pattern of self-abandonment (abandonment of your needs and desires) as a child, in the relationship with your mother.
What do you think?
TeeParticipantDear SereneWolf,
Yes that what happens!
Okay, I’d like to develop this a bit more, but could you give me an example of a situation where your girlfriend didn’t give importance to something that was important to you?
Yes I think so. I believe I may have to be hopeless romantic again
Hmm.. actually no, you don’t have to be a hopeless romantic, but a hopeful romantic š I mean, hope needs to awaken in you that a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship is possible. Right now, this hope doesn’t exist… in its place, there is skepticism and fear, as it seems to me.
This is so accurate! Yup definitely!
Okay, so this probably means you don’t trust people, you can’t view them with appreciation, because you’ve been disappointed in them… starting from your parents and grandparents (specially your father and grandfather), to just about every adult you grew up around. Almost nobody appreciated who you really are, but criticized you and expected you to be something you’re not. Would you say that’s true?
If so, I can see a connection between people not appreciating you when you were a child and young adult, and you now not appreciating them. And believing that they would judge and hurt you… And it seems you believe that about your romantic interests as well.
Thanks for the good tip. Maybe next time when I find someone I want to go on a date with, Iāll ask you what kind of move should I make. I find those things to be very complex. Like you said just normally talking is better, But I was just making lot of different scenarios how it should work
Yeah, talking to the person, gradually getting to know them, is the most natural way. But perhaps you believe that you need to show that you’re brave enough, or cool enough, and so making a “film-like” move on someone is what you think will knock them off their feet? I don’t know, just speculating hereā¦ let me know how you see it?
Yes Iāll practice more mindfulness on this one as well
How is it going with the doctor girl btw? Actually, she made a rather film-like move on you too, proposing to you after only seeing you several times in her office!
I ended my every romantic relationship in the past on good terms. So yeah, we still talk sometimes. Not to all of my exs. But this recent one and the one before this one.
Cool! So no hard feelings on their part, it seems.
I mean few years back when I just started working.
Oh okay. So back then you felt you’re not capable of certain things, so you were blocking yourself. And now you don’t have that mental barrier any more, and you take on challenges more easily?
TeeParticipantDear John,
I haven’t been on the forums when you’ve originally shared your story, but I got to read most of it now. I am so sorry that it got to this, and that you couldn’t move on from the unhappy marriage.
As others have told you before, you’ve got an excellent insight and rationally, cognitively you understood everything. But it seems that on the emotional level, you got stuck and the fear of leaving was too big. It would cause paralysis and you’d always return to your wife.
The emotional level is related to our childhood, and I believe that the paralyzing fear that you felt (and are probably still feeling) belongs to the child in you. The child in us feels helpless to move, unable to act on its behalf. Not the adult.
That’s why I believe that working with the inner child could unlock the secret and finally give you a push in the right direction, i.e. towards freedom. You said you’ve worked with a CBT therapist. This might not be enough, since CBT remains on the cognitive level, while you need to go deeper. You need to access the emotional level and maybe even the pre-verbal level. So if you’re still considering therapy, I’d suggest working with a therapist specialized in Complex PTSD, i.e. in childhood trauma.
I know you said nothing was wrong with your childhood, but as others have said, it’s very unlikely that an emotionally healthy person would put up with the abuse for so long. We’re often not even aware of the way we were deprived in our childhood and how our essential needs were not met. If there was no physical abuse, we don’t necessarily see how we were harmed. There is also a thing called emotional neglect, so even if we weren’t abused, we might have been emotionally neglected and our needs not met.
So I encourage you not to give up, because I am sure there is a way out, if you really want it. You’re not doomed – you only need to find the proper therapy, which will address deeper levels too.
TeeParticipantDear SereneWolf,
But thatās the cons for a good therapist, right? If theyāre like really good at what they do, They donāt have enough time for all of their clients.
Unfortunately yes, the better they are, the less available they are. I think a good pace for therapy is once a week or maybe once in 2 weeks. If you’re seeing your therapist only once a month, it might not be enough.
But yeah this world needs more people like you
Oh thank you for your kind words!
Thatās mainly because I donāt express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right?
Well, this is what you said about your communication style:
Silent treatment was like my main trait. And instead of discussing I just expected them to solve it because I be like itās their fault, they made me feel this way. So now itās their responsibility
I think you said the reason you started resenting them (or one of the reasons) was that they didn’t pay enough importance to what was important to you. But instead of telling them it bothers you, you were just sulking silently and didn’t want to talk to them. You blamed them for “making you feel that way” and expected them to fix the problem, without ever telling them what’s bothering you. So, this is what I said that you should change.
So when you ask: Thatās mainly becauseĀ I donāt express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right? — it’s more like you don’t say what’s bothering you (you hide your real feelings), and instead, you expect them to guess what’s bothering you and make amends. Is that how it usually happens?
Hmm thatās right Iām feeling like Iām not able feel the way that I felt in my first or second relationship. So feeling of Love is just meh for me.
This sounds like rationalization: it could be that you’re afraid of feeling “in love” again (like you did in your first 2 relationships), because it was very frustrating and energy draining for you. And so you’re guarding yourself from that feeling, because you don’t want to feel all the “side-effects” of feeling in love again. When you think of being in love, you immediately think of the “side effects”, and it’s just cools you down immediately and makes you feel “meh”. Maybe this is what’s happening?
And I think that feeling of love (Not just romantic) is really important. It gives that warmth and give you the perspective to look everything around you with love and kindness. I know my heart is full of love, for sure! But what the point if itās this much guarded and closed.
Sure, the feeling of love is important, and I guess you have it in you, because you find joy in many things in life. You said it yourself that your inner child is still in awe about life. Which is great!
But it could be that you’re in awe with animals, plants and nature in general, but much less with people? Because you’re afraid of people, you believe they’ll hurt you… specially people very close to you, such as your romantic partner. So maybe you don’t see the other person with the same awe and appreciation like you see the night sky, for example?
And like after starting this thread I did tried to approach a girl once (I was talking to Anita that time) and I still remember it vividly. We were on the bus sitting next to each other and It took like me 2 hours to approach but I was crazy I didnāt talked, I was all sweaty and anxious, I typed it my phone notes app and showed it her. And She said Iām engaged. After that in my head I was like āoh well I proved my point I did asked her. Now look at the window and just listen to Spotify. Donāt you dare turn your face towards herā
š Yeah, it’s usually not a good idea to make a move on someone on the bus š Because you haven’t even talked to her, and then out of the blue, you showed her the text saying you liked her… which is a bit too much… Next time, try a more gradual approach (even if it’s on a bus š ): try talking to the girl, engage her in a conversation, and see if she’s responsive or she feels uncomfortable…
Okay so Iāve asked this to one of the girl I was in LDR with and she told me I did kind of acted critical and superior but never judgmental. I asked one of my close friend too and she said the same thing. So yeah after gathering the data I can say Yes.
Alright, so you agree that your outer critic could be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. Okay, so keep that in mind next time when you start having critical thoughts about the girl you’re dating, and start feeling that she should change…
Btw it’s interesting that you could talk about this to your ex. Does it mean you ended the relationship on good terms?
Like for leadership roles I used to think why would I take this much responsibility? Thatās just crazy. Just work on what you have and relax.
Hmm.. I got the impression that you were pushing yourself to do more and faster all the time. That you weren’t telling yourself to just relax, but quite the opposite?
TeeParticipantDear Anil,
I am glad you’re feeling better at the moment and are practicing self-help. However, bad feelings might return, as you said it yourself:
Iām reading books and trying meditation it does help me for certain time but it doesnāt take away how I feel about everything.
It’s normal that if we suffer from childhood trauma, the problem is deeper and we often need another person or people to help us. We can’t pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. We need support.
It’s also understandable that you don’t want to talk about these things with your friends and family (I kept these things discrete from most of my friends and family.) That’s why a therapist might be a good idea. In any case, it’s good that you have access to therapy, should you need it.
I know that I have been immature sometimes but Iām learning to be mindful, mature and decisive. Iām also spending my time on career as I never did before.
Excellent! I do wish you continued success. If you happen to feel down again, please know that you don’t need to do it alone – there is help and with good counseling, you can get permanently better. Wishing you all the best!
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I too (like X) think he uses alcohol, women and drugs to feel better about himself. I really hurts, I have been through a lot and donāt deserve this behaviour.
I know.. unfortunately when people are in their ego, they hurt others. He definitely hurt you with his behavior, because he was actually manipulative, both before you confessed to him, and after. Before you confessed, he behaved like he cared about you, but then it turned out he doesn’t. He was like “no, I don’t see you that way”. Although he did behave “that way”!
And then after you confessed, he started playing those games, as if he still wants to have power over you and keep you pining for him. So, looking back, it seems all he did (and is still doing) is manipulation. And that can be really hurtful, because you like the guy, you have your hopes up, and then it just gets squashed…
I think in this case my avoident naturen served me better, cuz I never gave him the same amount of attention as the others.
Rightā¦but you know what I am thinking now? That perhaps your avoidant nature was a challenge for him (if he indeed craves female attention), and that’s why he was keen to win you over? Maybe he was flirty with you because in the beginning you ignored him (or pretended to ignore him), and he instinctively tried to charm you away and make you his “fan”? Because he needs girls to like him…
I don’t know, maybe I am taking this too far. But it would explain his behavior, which so far was a mystery to me and I couldn’t figure him out. Let me know what you thinkā¦
I am sure we will stay in touch. He talked about going back to Brazil in May for a couple of months and then come back here.
I am so glad! You seem to have a genuine relationship, without games and playing hide and seek. I am rooting for you two! And I hope the situation with the head chef resolves soon.
TeeParticipantDear Anil,
I donāt know why I was always under the assumption that a romantic interest would understand me and fix me but I donāt think its a feasible solution to achieve happiness.
That’s actually very common – our romantic relationships are a mirror of the relationship with our parents. And in our romantic relationships we try to get what he haven’t received from our parents. In your case, you craved that someone would love you, care for you and understand you, because you haven’t received that from your parents.
But you’re right, it’s not a feasible solution to achieve happiness, because even if we were to find a super caring person, that emotional wound and the sense of lack that we’ve experienced in childhood would still be in us, and it would never be enough. When there’s a wound inside, it’s like a bottomless pit – it cannot get filled, even if someone is trying their best to love us and care for us.
That’s why the solution is to heal that wound first, to give ourselves what we were lacking in childhood. And that’s when you won’t be so needy in a relationship, but will be able to love and care for yourself better. As a result, you’ll also have a different dynamic with girls, you won’t be so needy, and you’ll be able to have a healthy relationship.
the last couple of months have been terrible, I caged myself in an endless pain and suffering with alcohol, cannabis and cigarettes (Currently, Iām sober for a month and I feel a bit better) . Iām doing a bit better now with good sleep, food, meditation and mindfulness.
Glad you’re doing better now and taking care of yourself better! But yes, addiction is a typical way of soothing our pain. I believe that every addiction is about soothing or numbing the pain of our inner child… If you can get in touch with that inner child and meet his unmet emotional needs (the best would be with the help of therapy), you can be free from addiction too. And other issues too, such as low self-esteem.
Have you considered therapy? Do you have access to it?
TeeParticipantDear SereneWolf,
I believe weāre getting closer too. Heck youāre even more efficient and resourceful than my current therapist
Haha, I’ve been talking to you longer and much more frequently than your therapist, that’s why š
I did share my hopes and dreams without fear of being ridiculed. Because Iām kind of confident about talking about something that Iām passionate about. And I never felt that they are judging my hopes or dreams just because itās not same as some other people.
That’s good! It’s nice that you could freely share that part of yourself, and that they weren’t judgmental at all.
But like silent treatment was like my main trait. And instead of discussing I just expected them to solve it because I be like itās their fault, they made me feel this way. So now itās their responsibility.
Yeah, that part you’d need to change…
Thanks for the positive progress reminders. I think for self-compassion itās only starting but thanks to mindfulness Iām able to see some progress. Also thanks to you obviously
I am glad you’re seeing some progress! And you’re welcome!
But that makes me think likeā¦ Is that why my heart feels in like neutral gear now? I donāt know how to explain because for so long I havenāt actually shared my heart and have a real intimacy. So even though now that doctor girl is good, I still donāt feel like anything much for her. Maybe just a little attraction but nothing more.
Right… well, your heart is probably very guarded. And you probably don’t allow yourself to feel much because you’re afraid of where it may lead you. So far relationships were always a disappointment and a cause of frustration, so you’re very very careful. And also, you said that so far it was always that the girl approached you. You never made the first move… But did you ever like a girl but were afraid to approach her?
Hmm more or less yes I think.. But Iāll still think about it more and let you know
Okay…
Right! and thatās really interesting and awesome concept to know about. Love it
Glad you liked it!
Yes I agree. And I think before starting all this I just used to run away from the uncomfortable situations and emotions. But without facing we canāt actually understand the root and heal it. But as I started to face things head on my resilience got better and better and I did overcome some of my past fears. Still have to work on some fears but yeah
Really good to hear this. You’re right ā there is no growth and fulfillment in life without facing our fears, so yes, youāre on the right track š
TeeParticipantDear Anil,
you’re very welcome.
The toxic behaviour was I blamed them for my unhappiness. I did not abuse either of the women physically or verbally but I texted them mean words, avoided them and stopped talking to them
I see… so you said something mean to them, you blamed them for your unhappiness, and then you stopped contact. Yeah, I mean, it wasn’t nice, but it’s understandable – it was pain and hurt speaking from you, and this was your way to express your anger.
I believe that a lot of your current pain and suffering is related to your childhood, because you said you didn’t really have any emotional support, and you grew up exposed to your parents fighting all the time:
My childhood was not good to be honest, it was okay. My parents would always have constant fights and arguments in the house which gave me a bit of trauma and no emotional support.
In such an environment, without tenderness, care and gentle feelings, the child feels terrified. Also, the child feels unseen and unimportant, because the parents don’t care about him, don’t pay attention to him, but are preoccupied with hurting one another. The child’s emotional needs are unmet, even if his physical and material needs are met. So even if your parents provided for you and enabled you good education, it seems they still failed in providing what is most important: emotional care and support.
I think that’s why you are in such a dire need to be loved and cared for. And that’s why you tend to “latch onto a person, hoping I would find happiness.” The child in you has those key emotional needs unmet, and he is looking to have them met by another person, i.e. a romantic interest. At least this is my assumption. How does it sound to you? Does it sound plausible?
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
Yeah I think so too. Heās only hanging out with girls from work never the boys, or even just a mix. First it was X and Y and the partying (that he keeps saying that he will stop with) now itās the young girls and drinking. I can see the weirdness and anxiety in him goes away and heās confident.
Oh I didn’t know that he’s hanging out only with girls. Yeah, in that case it does seem like he needs female company to boost his ego. Almost like he needs to be liked and desired by girls to feel good about himself (you said that being in female company makes him self-confident and less anxious). That’s why he is probably flirting a lot – because he needs all that attention and interest from girls.
And with you, it seems that even if he doesn’t want to date you, he still has the need to “keep you interested” by playing those games. Now that I think about it, it could be that he is sending you strange vibes not because he has feelings for you and is conflicted, but because he has the need to keep the woman interested, even if he is not interested in her. Because that gives a boost to his ego. I am sorry if it hurts you to hear this, and I am not even sure if it’s true, but based on everything you’ve shared about him so far, it seems quite likely to me, unfortunately.
Itās stille not easy to see, but I have been reacting eay less than before. I donāt know if heās still going to travel abroad or if heās changed his mind. Hope he does leave cuz itās hard to move on from something that you are constanly confronted with.
I am glad you’re less and less reactive to him! And that even if he stays, he won’t be such a challenge for you in the future.
The day we went to the gallery I got a bit nervous around, not knowing what to say. It felt a bit date like and a very good day.
Did you have butterflies in your stomach? Because if so, it’s a good sign for you, isn’t it?
Today I was supposed to see him at work but he left shortly after saying heās not sure he will come back to work here again because of the head chef. He said he needs some rest and time to think which I completely understand and he knows I am here when heās ready to talk about it.
So the head chef still hasn’t been fired? I am sorry your guy is feeling bad about it. No wonder he is considering leaving if nothing changes. But if he decides to leave his job, I hope you two will still stay in touch!
TeeParticipantDear Anil,
I feel so guilty and ashamed because I confessed to a married woman and it made our friendship awkward.
First, don’t feel guilty because although she wasn’t officially divorced, she was separated from her husband. She even had a boyfriend after her separation, with whom she broke up. All that happened before you even met her:
she was separated from her husband (she was a victim of domestic abuse, so she left her husband but never divorced him). She had a boyfriend after moving away from her husband and they broke up soon (This happened before I met her)
So when you met her, she wasn’t in a relationship with anybody, so you weren’t trying to steal her away from anyone. You confessed your feelings, because you fell in love with her, and you didn’t make any mistake by doing that.
Where you probably made a mistake is that you couldn’t accept her rejection and you did something that hurt her:
I fell so hard for her and I confessed to her after 6 months, she denied it politely. I couldnāt accept the rejection and avoided her on purpose because I know I would end up getting hurt again and would hurt her in the process of making her love me back.
After my confession, I just couldnāt bear the pain and I became so toxic towards both of them and hurt them both. I stopped talking to them or meeting them anymore.
May I ask what have you done to hurt her? Did you just avoid her (and that male friend of yours), or there was something else you’ve done, which you think is toxic behavior?
You say you had a similar experience with another woman 7 years ago. She too rejected you but you couldn’t accept it, so you say you ended up hurting her:
A part of me wanted her but I know it couldnāt happen no matter how hard I tried, I ended up hurting the woman I loved and myself.
How have you hurt her?
I have been running around in circles looking for love or approval, but it never happens. … I would like to know what can I do now to make my life and people around me better.
It seems there’s been a pattern of unrequited love: you loving someone and yearning for their love, but them not loving you back. We have such deep yearning usually when we don’t really love ourselves, and we believe we need someone to fulfill us. To give us the love we desperately need. It’s very likely related to your childhood and perhaps feeling unlovable?
TeeParticipantDear Eriads,
His issue is that the two of them have never really ābonded … Itās true that she does sometimes avoid him because sheās shy and she really doesnāt see him as anything more than my husband.
B also thinks itās rude that she will sometimes come and go and not say āhiā to him or engage in conversation.
If your daughter sometimes avoids your husband and doesn’t want to say hi, it tells me she does feel certain resentment towards him. But the question is what is the cause of this resentment? There can be plenty. Just an example (I am mentioning this not knowing any of your background), it can be that she resents you for remarrying, it can be that her father doesn’t like that you remarried and she solidarizes with him. Or maybe she feels a certain pressure from your husband to be friendly with him, which she doesn’t like.
Also, the fact that the two of them never really bonded can be due to multiple reasons. Maybe it’s because you started dating him 3 years ago, which is at the beginning of covid, so you couldn’t really travel and spend fun time together? Or she lived with her father during covid? Or your husband prefers certain activities during leisure time, which your daughter doesn’t like? Again, there can be a number of reasons.
I think you should think about the possible reasons for your daughter’s distance and resentment, because that will give you the clue about how to deal with it. It could be a combination of more factors. It could also be that your husband is too sensitive and has too high expectations, so he kind of exacerbates the problem instead of acting like an adult (as you pointed out too) to seek resolution?
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.