Dear Katrine,

good to hear from you! I was sick with covid 2 weeks ago, but thankfully am fully recovered now.

Knowing that Y is planing on going to Canada and travel with the guy I like, but still hasn’t told me about it. Makes me wonder if we are really friends or if something is going on behind my back.

I can imagine why this situation is making you feel uncomfortable. How come Y is travelling to Canada? Has she planned it before, independently of your guy, or there is something going on between the two of them?

In any case, the fact that she hasn’t told you yet, and you’re supposed to be close, is unusual. Maybe for some reason she feels uncomfortable telling you. Do you think it’s possible they got together? Because so far it was always like there’s nothing romantic going on between either X or Y and your guy, they’re just friends… Maybe they are indeed, but are travelling together because he’s going back home, and she was planning to travel to Canada in January, so they thought why not go together… I don’t know Katrine, it is strange. I guess you’ll find out soon enough…

As for your guy not looking you in the eyes, even if he was there right in front of you… well it’s a typical behavior of someone who is uncomfortable about contact. It can be his usual avoidant behavior with you, or it can be that there is something going on between him and Y, which makes him even more uncomfortable. Again, I don’t know, Katrine, but whatever it is, please don’t blame yourself – it is absolutely not your fault.

I’m trying to tell myself that I may not be as bad as it makes me feel, and try not to think too much about it.

No, you’re not bad whatsoever! The fact that he doesn’t greet you or doesn’t look you in the eye has nothing to do with you – it’s all about him and what is going on his mind. Please don’t let his immature behavior define how you feel about yourself!

The guy I was with earlier this year is in a new relationship. With a girl he knew from home before moving to Europe and wanting to settle here. All of his stories are about them going on dates. I stopped looking at them because it just makes me feel bad, because he never did any stories on social media with me.

As far as I understood, your relationship with this guy had an expiry date from the beginning. I mean, neither of you wanted it to continue once the guy leaves your country, right? And you weren’t really upset about it. I mean, that’s how I understood it. So perhaps that’s why he wasn’t posting anything about you on social media – since he knew it was only temporary? I don’t want to sound insensitive, but that’s how I understood it. Please tell me it wasn’t like that for you…

At my brother in laws 30th birthday party I was soo anxious, he has four siblings and they were all there with their partners and they still had there jobs. I was able too have fun though, talking a lot with his siblings and the conversation actually went as if we had been friends for years, that really surprised me. But then my sisters behaviour of such a loveling and caring person and they way his parents was talking about her like, who is this person? Do I really know he? when saying goodbye I couldn’t get myself to look her in the eyes I just looked down and said goodby and so joined my dad. A week later my dad got a phone call from her, she and his parents had noticed my behaviour and said that it would have consequences, I probably wouldn’t be welcome in their house again and I wasn’t going to be invited to my sisters birthday two months later. I was shocked. It was a very strong reaction in my book,

Yes, it is a very strong reaction! You were denied future visits because you haven’t cheerfully greeted your sister but looked down while saying goodbye. When did this happen?

I understand why you didn’t feel like greeting her – because you felt triggered. You saw how “loving and kind” she is with other people, and you know how selfish and judgmental she is with you, and that’s what upset you. You felt resentment towards her, and you couldn’t bring yourself to be nice to her. You let that resentment be visible to everybody, and I guess that infuriated her.

And sure enough, she retaliated, because that’s what she always did, hasn’t she? She had the right to be mean to you, but you didn’t have the right to be mean to her. Your parents defended her and never protected you. Or they blamed both of you, when it was clearly her fault. That’s very unfair.

It was the same this time: your father first scolded you (I guess repeating her words and her point of view), and then when you reacted and started yelling at him, he accused both of you:

He threathen to leave the family saying he didn’t want to have to deal with us children and all the problems anymore

Again, he wasn’t interested in finding out who is right and who is wrong – he was just interested in keeping the false peace. You were expected to give in to her whims, so she would stop her tantrums and her screaming. You needed to give in, so there would be peace in the house. You were always accused, while she was almost always excused.

As I said, very unfair. No wonder you’ve got so much resentment towards her!

I think you’d need to process that anger, preferably in therapy – years and years of abuse by your sister, and your parents tolerating that abuse, not protecting you from it, even blaming you for it. You need to express it in a safe environment.

If you do, two things will happen: 1) You’ll be less affected by her behavior in the future, and 2) You’ll be able to set boundaries with your sister and even cut all contact with her, if necessary. Because you don’t deserve to be abused like that – you don’t need it in your life and you’re allowed to say “No! Thus far and no further!”

Do you have an opportunity to go therapy?

Dear SereneWolf,

I am glad that it helped you to get a different perspective – that of growth instead of disease. And also that you were reminded that we all need help, regardless of our position in the company and the level of success we have. In fact, it could be that successful people are more open to getting help (i.e. to work on themselves), and that’s what makes them so successful! I am not sure about this, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if it were true.

I’d say mostly some of my friends and colleagues. Because at work I’m spending time with them and when I’m out I’m spending time with them, and I guess like me they may have vulnerability issues like me too that’s why they’re afraid of opening up.

Okay, so it’s not your parents but your friends and colleagues, the people you spend most of your time with. I think you’re right – they too probably don’t feel comfortable talking about their issues, but pretend that everything is fine. I don’t want to use stereotypes but sometimes when men get together, it’s hard to really talk honestly – it’s all about joking, sarcasm and trying to verbally outsmart each other. I am not saying all men are like that, but they are more prone to putting on a mask of a “tough, cool guy”, because that’s what they think is expected of them. And it’s a defense mechanism – they think that showing vulnerability is weak and dangerous. So they just do what they think is safe – which is to pretend. Maybe you’re surrounded by those kind of guys (and maybe girls too)?

Dear SereneWolf,

I’d like to add something to what I’ve said in my last sentence (to surround yourself with people who support you). I know this might not be easy for you, specially if you’ve never really shared about your internal struggles with other people, if you were hesitant to talk about your fears, self-doubts, insecurities etc. If you don’t have friends whom you can confide it, you can’t just suddenly surround yourself with such people.

That being said, it would still be important that you do have someone to talk to (besides us on the forum), someone who can support you in your growth. Even the top CEOs strive to grow, and many of them have coaches. Not only business coaches, but personal coaches, who help them deal with the challenges of managing people and managing the company. They’re not embarrassed to seek help – on the contrary, they are proud of it. They are in the growth mindset, which also includes growth in emotional health, empathy and soft skills in general – everything that you are aiming for.

 people around me does makes me feel like psychotherapy isn’t normal so I’m hesitant for that.

But growth is normal, right? Even desirable? How about reframing your quest as the quest for growth, for being the best version of yourself, instead of “healing from disease”? Would that help you accept that it’s okay to seek help, that it’s not an embarrassment (like maybe you thought so far)?

Dear Hello,

thank you for the update! I am glad you’re moving towards separation as you planned and will have your own place since January 15! Congratulations, well done!

In my opinion if he truly cared a lot looking within, proving his care and respect for me, he would have immediately responded differently by saying something like “I’ll erase tinder now and I’m truly sorry” or “ I can see how me speaking to my x affair would be hypocritical “

but no – he’s done nothing to dive into the real issues which tells me he has no intentions of doing so

It does seem he has no intentions to change, but believes, rather immaturely, that he can woo you with his love bombing and his “good behavior”, so you would forget everything he did so far, so he can continue doing what he’s done so far: spending your money, possibly cheating on you with other women, and assassinating your character, so you would feel like a bad person who owes him something. His motive could be both mental dominance/control over you, and financial exploitation. A very toxic combination.

It’s good you’ve explained to him why you don’t love him any more, but I agree with anita – there is no need to explain it further. You don’t need to justify your decision any more. You’ve made a good choice – finally your self-preservation instinct kicked in, and you saw how harmful he is to you. And you decided to run for the hills!

If he starts getting nasty now that his love bombing tactics isn’t working – you may want to stay at the hotel if necessary. Or stay mostly in your room, minimize contact with him. Be cold and curt with him. The goal is not to expose yourself to his manipulation any more, so the less contact you have, the better.

Also, remove him from your bank account, so he cannot take your cash. Don’t trust a word that he is saying, be very cunning and cautious with him. The less he knows about your plans, the better. Unfortunately he’s not a friend, so be wary of what you share with him.

I’m focused entirely on moving forward and very much looking forward to the other side of this.

Great to hear you’re so determined. I am rooting for you, and wishing you Godspeed in the next one month and beyond!

Dear Dan,

I have a hard time getting angry, I don’t really ever get angry, I usually get sad and upset at myself.

Yes, you’ve mentioned that before – that you never get angry, even with people who clearly abused you, such was your brother. Not getting angry at your abuser but instead, getting angry at yourself is a trauma response. That’s a typical reaction of a child who was abused and never protected. The child always, without exception, puts the blame on themselves. Unless there is a loving and compassionate adult who can help him process the trauma and put the blame and responsibility where it belongs: on the abuser.

So please know that you not getting angry is the result of the unresolved childhood trauma. Anger in this case would be a natural self-defense mechanism, telling us that we are violated. Anger is necessary to protect ourselves.

So I think it would be super important for you to see a therapist, preferably someone specialized in childhood sexual abuse, and process that trauma. During the healing process, you would be able to express anger at your abuser as well, which would help you not feel helpless anymore. Getting out of powerlessness and helplessness is key in healing trauma.

I don’t think getting angry helps anyone or anything.

Actually it does, as I’ve just explained. Because anger is a natural self-defense reaction. But it’s best if you deal with it in therapy, and get angry in a controlled, safe environment. Getting angry at your abuser (in a safe, therapeutic setting) can be extremely healing.

Maybe I should ask her to meet in person so that I can get some closure. Although I know that I would probably lose my composure if I saw her.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet her in person, because she’s already made up her mind. And as you say, you would probably start crying and begging her not to do it, and it would leave you even more hurt, even more inconsolable. I don’t think that anything good would come out of meeting in person.

After she texted that she was filing, I haven’t responded. I’m not sure if I should or if I just stay silent. Maybe silence speaks more volumes.

You don’t need to respond. I mean, whatever you say won’t change her mind anyway. She probably knows how hurt you are. So, if you don’t feel strong enough to respond, don’t. You don’t need to be polite with her. Sometimes indeed silence speaks volumes.

Dear Addy,

yes I am fully recovered, no more sleep problems, and also my sense of taste has recovered fully. So I am happy and grateful! Thank you for asking!

Thanks for sharing I’ll watch the video and let you know. Also I want to let you know nowadays I’m being more mindful about being empathic which does making me feel better.

Good to hear! Did you have a situation in which you stopped yourself from using sarcasm and responded differently?

That’s right but reasonable expectation or not I don’t want to get angry or disappointed. More like in serene state like I shouldn’t have problems with her actions, and I just have to see my reactions.

You know, anger is not always bad – I mean feeling anger, not acting on it impulsively. There is another great video by the same psychologist, Dr. Henry Cloud, which I totally recommend watching. It’s called “Anger is a signal, not a solution“. It explains how anger can tell us that something’s wrong, that our boundaries are crossed and we’re not being treated right. It’s a signal that we need to change something about the situation or the relationship we’re in.

Dr. Cloud says that when we feel anger, we should examine whether it’s something unresolved coming from within us, or our boundaries and sense of well-being are indeed being violated, i.e. it’s an external problem. And then act accordingly. Never impulsively or aggressively though.

More like in serene state like I shouldn’t have problems with her actions, and I just have to see my reactions.

It depends what her actions are. If she’s doing something that violates or disrespects you in some way, or promises things she doesn’t keep etc, then it’s normal to feel angry and upset (anger is a signal, remember!). But you don’t attack her, start yelling at her etc. Instead, you take a pause, breathe deeply, and clarify with yourself what it is that bothers you. And then you communicate with her, as calmly as possible, that this kind of behavior bothers you and what you would need from her in the future. So, it could be her fault indeed, but you communicate it in a calm, mature way.

I am saying this because you have a history of your mother accusing you of not being “cool” and “sensible” enough about being bullied by your father. She blamed you for your natural self-defense reaction, which is anger. But now, you don’t need to blame yourself for feeling angry. Instead, you take it as a signal and examine it. Anyway, watch Dr. Cloud’s video – he explained it excellently.

I want to change it. Yes

Good! And you will change it, with time, as you’re becoming more and more aware of yourself and working on your healing… it will change, there is no doubt about that.

Hmm so I knew they’re wrong yet still I blame myself sometimes. but you’re right it’s the self-critic

Yes, the child always blames themselves when the parent criticizes them. Later, when you got older, you saw that their behavior was wrong, but the child part of you still believed that he is the one to blame, that he’s not good enough. And now your inner critic (which are the internalized voices of your father and mother) is blaming your inner child. The same dynamic as when you were a child, only now the critic is within your own head, not outside.

I did started practice (Mostly via sitting and imagination) that but because I didn’t do that before I don’t know how to do that progress of loving my inner child and being compassionate with him

You can try it when you get upset about something and your first reaction is to beat yourself up for not being super calm and serene. You can tell yourself “it’s okay Addy that you feel angry, no wonder you feel angry, this was indeed hurtful what they did… ” And so you validate your own anger, instead of scolding yourself for it.

You can also get yourself a cute fluffy animal (a teddy bear or something that symbolizes your inner child) and hug that animal and talk to it, caress it… Maybe it will help you communicate better with your inner child if you have something physical, not just an image in your head.

I totally agree I’m hope I’ll be able heal those core wounds of mine.

You will, just have a lot of patience with yourself. Small steps, baby steps… and lots of validation of your own feelings, rather than judging yourself for it. Also, if you get frustrated with yourself for not healing faster, instead of criticizing and blaming yourself, have empathy for yourself, have patience, tell yourself it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re lovable, there’s nothing wrong with you… The key is self-acceptance, radical acceptance of all your feelings, allowing them to be…. without judging yourself for it.

The paradox is that the more accepting we are of our “faults” and “imperfections”, the faster we heal. That’s the power of self-compassion.

Dear Katrine,

One of the hardest part for me is that she is so empathetic and caring about people outside the family. I thought that she wasn’t capleble of it, because of what she has been through but seeing her treat other people so well, and then take her anger and frustration out on us, the very people who kept her alive.

I know what you’re talking about. My mother is like that: very empathetic and understanding with other people, but extremely criticizing and blaming of me and my father (her immediate family). As if she is split in two.

With other people, I guess she is doing what she believes a good Christian should do: help others, sacrifice, be kind… I guess she feels good about herself for being such a “good person”. But then her unresolved childhood wounds and her stubbornness come out with me and my father – always blaming us for her problems, never taking responsibility for any of her bad behavior. No empathy or understanding for us, only for other people.

Perhaps with your sister it’s similar – maybe she knows that being kind to others will bring her some benefit (people will like her, respect her, want to be in her company…), and so she is eager to behave nicely with them. But with you and your parents, she probably feels unconditionally accepted. She feels she can do whatever she wants and there won’t be any consequences (all will be forgiven), and that’s why she doesn’t have to pretend. She can be selfish and rude.

I also feel like something bad has been said about me behind my back, her boyfriend won’t look me in the eye when talking to me, and he hugs my parents but will only shake my hand and that doesn’t feel good.

It’s quite possible she makes up stories against you, portraying you as a selfish person. And people believe her, because she is so kind to them, so there is no reason not to trust her….

Anyway, I think the first step for you would be not to blame yourself when your sister is blaming you – not to trust her accusations and her characterization of you. You’re not selfish just because she says you are. You’re not selfish just because you refuse to fulfill her every whim.

Once you accept that you’re not a bad person as your sister is trying to portray you, it will be easier for you to not take her insults seriously. And you’ll also be able to set some boundaries, so she cannot just say or do anything to you without any consequences.