Dear Tineoidea,

you’re welcome.

The lessons have been learned I think, what’s left is to disengage myself from the pain and disappointment.

One thing I would like to emphasize, which has transpired during our conversation, is that in the beginning you didn’t see neither him or her clearly. You didn’t see his behavior as abusive, you said your relationship was both carefree and loaded with conflicts. The two just don’t go together, so there was some disconnect, or a blind spot in your perception, where you thought this is how a best friend should treat you, and that it’s still a great and valuable relationship that you want to keep.

Likewise, it seems to me that you didn’t see her clearly either. You thought that you had a super loving relationship, and that “the feelings, attraction only kept growing stronger“. At the same time, she was complaining about things going too slowly, she didn’t keep her promise of helping you with finances and/or relocation, she watched you struggle (financially and physically due to lot of work), but did hardly anything to help. This was all before your “friend” came into the picture.

I don’t know the entire story and the intricacies of your “convoluted legal and economic situation”, but if she promised to help with a rather important existential issue, and then was delaying things and left you stranded, it’s a sign that she’s not that madly in love, right? But you didn’t pick it up… Like with your “friend”, you might have thought that such behavior (selfishness, not keeping one’s word) is normal in a relationship?

Anyway, I believe she didn’t suddenly become cold and hostile, while just a few months earlier being super supportive and loving, with fabulous plans for the future. Rather, I believe that her ”cooling down” happened gradually, but you didn’t see or didn’t want to see the warning signs.

She expressed concerns about “things being too slow” (for some reason you couldn’t move to her country so easily), but you said those were minor problems and you always had a plan B. But perhaps she didn’t see it as minor problems…

When your “friend” approached her with an apology, she was ready to confide in him about your relationship problems, and they found a common language – that of criticizing and blaming you.

This is what I think happened, at least it would make sense to me (you said you’re trying to make sense of what happened). So basically, her withdrawing wasn’t such a surprise, but it was a surprise for you. At least that’s how I see it.

I think you would need to examine why you didn’t see the warning signs, and if you did, why you disregarded them. Perhaps that would be one of the most important lessons to learn from this whole experience…

Dear Tineoidea,

The living situation is mine to handle and I’m doing what I can, there’s no plan because a plan is impossible in my case

He runs a company in the field where my skills are relevant, I didn’t go into detail, only that me and her worked together, and he was actually very polite and helpful, giving me both tips and practical help like offering to introduce me to some companies which may be good for me.

It appears you do have a plan, or at least an idea, where to look next. So there is a possibility to apply for a job in that same country where you ex lives, but through different channels…

He was also obviously hurt by her but didn’t say anything negative, just that she’s also refusing to talk to him.

So you didn’t tell her ex that you were involved with her, but only that she refuses to talk to you? And then he said that she refuses to talk to him too?

The emotional side cannot be molded though, and I’m not somebody who forgets. I do not want to bear with the pain and that distorted image of her for the rest of my life.

You’d need to deal with your emotions though, in order to move forward.

I’m not somebody who forgets.

You said earlier that you don’t hold grudges and you don’t hate. Someone who doesn’t forget (having been hurt) and has trouble bearing with the pain is someone who does hold grudges, in my view.

If you allow your emotions to stay cemented (“cannot be molded”), you won’t be able to heal and learn lessons from this experience, so you don’t repeat it again.

Dear Tineoidea,

It is the same project, and of course he was removed from it a long time ago,

Who removed him? You, as the person in charge of the project, or someone else?

BTW, have you taken steps to counteract his slandering and not lose your reputation among the people involved in your project?

That it makes no sense for somebody to be so helpful, that her overdone friendliness feels very fake, that she will hurt me and separate us two. Things like that. He was worried that I was being played, and ultimately he was right.

If she started offering her money and help for you and your mother to relocate to her country – before even getting romantically involved with you – that is indeed too much. You might have complained or told her about your difficult financial situation, and she, in an attempt to be “nice” and a “good samaritan”, offered her help. As I said, people who have the need to be liked by others tend to do this, where they promise a lot and then don’t deliver on it.

So your “friend” was right that it was too much and even fake. He of course had his own selfish motives in mind when he warned you about her – he didn’t want to share you with anyone else. So his view is heavily skewed by his own selfishness and possessiveness, but in this instance, he was right.

Obviously after the breakup, I didn’t expect any grand plans anymore yet she still promised to keep helping in the ways she can (as those ideas of hers started even before we got romantically involved). Just a couple of days after that, she suddenly became very aggressive and petty, withdrew all the support entirely, said we aren’t friends anymore and many other hurtful things such as attacks on my personality…. She even refused to take a quick look at some critical documents I made with her guidance and to give her opinion on those.

My take on this is that after the breakup, she didn’t have the need to be liked by you any more. She became openly hostile. So she didn’t need to keep the pretense that she is a good samaritan and that she has your best interests in mind.

During the turmoil, she sent me many mixed signals as she would go from angry and cold/cruel to nostalgic or even affectionate. From saying that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore to saying that she missed me badly and still loves me even if that diminished.

That was in the transition period, while she was still not sure what she wants (she said something like “I don’t know myself”). She still wanted to appear kind (as if she were the same kind person who offered to help you and your mother so generously), but at the same time, her doubts about you have intensified. I think that’s why she was sending you mixed signals.

He himself admitted to putting her against me and even trying to force our separation, he’s full of hate for me and obviously has been filling her head with all sort of delusions and slander.

I think it would be worth, just for the sake of complete honesty with yourself, to examine if there was anything you did that went against the moral code, or best practices, in your field of work. Something that would give him an excuse to slander you. Or, if there were things you told him about her, that she didn’t know (e.g. that she is very important to you because she’ll solve your and your mother’s existential problems). And then he might have used that to tell her that you are with her only for the money. You see what I mean? Were there such things in your behavior or attitude, either private or professional, which might have painted you in a bad light, if taken the wrong way?

My only hope is that she’ll be able organize her mind and remember what we had, what happened during the conflict with him, his vile treatment of me, and how he actually is. And I hope that it happens sooner than later.

Are you expecting her to get back to you? Are you hoping that she’d still help you with your relocation? What are you expecting from her?

Dear Candice88,

Another thing to point out is how the toxicity wasn’t let out of the bag all at once. … I was the one that noticed that it was addiction – he never admitted to that before the last 6 months.

When did he start behaving suspiciously? When did you suspect first that something is off and that he might be hiding something?

I completely understand that the addiction has nothing to do with me. Before yesterday I was upset but at peace with the ball being in his court and never expecting to hear that he got sober in the end.

But the cheating is what is tearing me apart. The cheating is what is telling me that I’m not good enough. And that something is inherently wrong with me.

Right. So you attributed all of his bad behavior to his being an addict, and not because you’ve deserved any of it. So you didn’t feel bad about yourself. But once you’ve found out that he cheated on you, you suddenly felt it was because of some failure in you. That you’re not good enough or desirable enough. You didn’t think that his cheating (and being attracted to trans girls) is also contributed by his drug addiction? And if it were, would you feel better about yourself?

Or, as an option B, that his cheating is caused by him being a lousy person in general, regardless of his drug use or not. And again, that it has nothing to do with you?

Dear Tineoidea,

I myself was pushed into a corner with his behavior and didn’t know what else I could try at that point, and I have tried a lot. He kept hurting her, himself and me because he simply refused to apologize and to treat her with basic respect since he thought she’s insidious and has ulterior motives, will hurt me and separate us two (all prophetic).

I understand that this is what happened in the situation with your ex. But I actually meant how you treated him in general, i.e. what the relationship dynamic was between the two of you even before he met your ex. If it was more like you were a parent, and he was a child whom you felt responsible for, then it might have been patronizing. You might have felt superior, in need to guide him, and as I said, save him from himself. For example, save him from the consequences of his “reckless behavior”.

It seems to me that you were attached to helping him, you wanted to help him and save him at all costs. And so you kept involving him in common projects, even if he only caused trouble? I am just assuming here, but would you say this was the relationship dynamic between the two of you?

Like I said before, those two started the conflict but the responsibility of solving it was placed on me.

What did they actually expect from you? How should you have solved it?

It involved my mother being stuck in a place she didn’t like, doing ridiculously exhausting work which worsened her health. Because moving somewhere else would have compromised or set back those “plans”. She encouraged my mother to stick to it and that soon things will be much better.

So by turning against you, your ex also betrayed your mother. Your mother counted on her financial and possibly other help to get her out of her currently unfavorable situation. And this is what hurts you most – the harm done to your mother.

I have a feeling that you cannot help your mother get rid of her exhausting work, because you too are struggling financially? Your ex promised both you and your mother to help you financially, but she only gave you “breadcrumbs” and then turned against you and went back on her word. So she left you stranded… is this what happened?

Dear Tineoidea,

Perhaps as a brother more than a child, although there were many times where I did sort of have to treat him like a child due to his behavior.

Right. It seems you were both mother and father to him. In your mother role, you were unconditionally loving and forgiving, in your father role you might have been strict and cold sometimes (after he’d throw a tantrum), but you’d quickly revert to your “motherly” love and caring for him. Would you agree?

I am slowly getting but every time I wake up, there’s this still this deep pain because of the harm she caused to my mother. It’s one thing for her to blindly believe whatever angry slander, delusions and exaggerations about me that he’s been throwing at her, as a way to justify her stockholm syndrome, cheating and monkey branching, but how is my mother at fault for anything?

How has she caused harm to your mother? If I understood well, it had something to do with her withdrawing her financial support?

Dear Candice88,

I am really sorry that things took a turn for worse with M. But to be honest, it was to be expected, since M’s habits and lifestyle could easily allow him to keep using. This is what you wrote just recently:

I’m still going to bed and waking up alone 6/7 nights a week, I make dinner for when he says he will be home and I eat alone, then go to bed alone,

But now when he doesn’t come to bed because he’s in his car on his phone for hours, or making music for hours, or in his garage until sunrise (all times he told me he’d come to bed “soon”), or late for anything, it just ends up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused.

He was spending nights away from home, and hours and hours in his car, away from you. That’s very suspicious. Have you ever checked on him when he was in his car btw?

You said a couple of times that he lies often:

I didn’t believe him (he lies often)

he’s lied so much about his drug abuse

You knew about his propensity to lie, but you wanted to believe that this time, he’s not lying – even if everything suggested that he was. You wanted to believe that this time it would be different, and that he’d finally give you the love you craved.

That’s your inner child, Candice. The child hopes against all hope that the parent will finally change and give them the love they long for. You’ve stopped hoping to get love from your mother, instead you’re hoping to get it from your boyfriends. And so far, you’ve been attracted to people who are unlikely to be able to give you proper love. You’ve been attracted to cheaters and addicts. You wanted to “save” M, so he can finally love you. It’s the same dynamic as with your mother.

Don’t beat yourself up for this, Candice, but just be aware of it. Your childhood wound is what makes you attracted to these  lousy men who are unable to love you. You are hoping and trying, believing their lies, believing it’s your fault that they can’t love you…  because that’s what the little girl in you believes: that it’s her fault that her mother doesn’t love her. That she isn’t worthy enough, that she is trash.

I hate myself for still loving him. I feel like trash for still having feelings for someone who treated me like trash.

Let’s rephrase this: The little girl in you still has the need to be loved, and she is willing to do anything to get love from someone who reminds her of her mother. Don’t blame her for loving him, rather – heal her. Instead of helping this unworthy men “heal”, you’d need heal her first.

He is 10 minutes away from me. I don’t trust that I will be strong enough to stay away, as everyone keeps telling me to do.

The little girl most probably won’t be strong enough. That’s why you, the adult Candice, should help her and reassure her. You’d need to give her love, so that she isn’t craving it from unworthy men.

How does this sound to you?

I just want to add – good that you’re getting tested for STD.

And I am also glad your feelings for S have mostly resolved, and that you’ve realized you don’t need him in your life.

Dear Tineoidea,

Ah, nothing outside of the average child’s mischief.

Good, so you don’t feel guilty about having caused her pain, or anything like that?

It’s just that not all mothers are as caring and involved.

Do you know of a mother who hasn’t been too caring and involved with their children?

Perhaps I’ve been trying to copy the traits my mother displayed during my upbringing, the absolute loyalty and utmost care no matter what, bearing with everything. While such behavior is only natural when directed towards your children, I guess one has to be more assertive with friends and lovers.

Right. It could be that you behaved like an unconditionally loving mother with your former friend. You tolerated everything. You remained loyal, “no matter what”. Perhaps you took pity on him because his mother wasn’t loving and caring?