Dear Katrine,

I am so glad that this year has been one of the best years of your life, because as you say, you’ve had some major successes, in spite of the struggle and challenges. But you’ve really made great progress, and so yes, you should be happy about it, and also proud of yourself!

It’s also great that you’re realizing how supportive your colleagues are (specially X and Y), and that they are in fact safe people – people who accept you as you are, don’t judge you and wish the best for you. So I hope that you’ll be able to relax even more in their company. The goal would be to become so relaxed around them to actually invite yourself to the New Year’s party (!!) instead of waiting for them to invite you. To say something like “hey girls, I decided I’d like to celebrate this New Year’s Eve properly – is there still space at your party? I’d love to join after my shift is over.” I am sure they wouldn’t have anything against it, in fact they would be thrilled.

I know that you said it would be pathetic if you invited yourself, but it’s not pathetic at all. It’s called self-confidence. You’ve already established that you are liked by many people, and by X and Y particularly. So you could just approach them with that attitude of openness, of cheerfulness, of self-acceptance… and I am sure they will welcome you with open arms!

I’m gonna start to watch Dr Nicole Lepera’s videos tonight. Being in the overwhelming state of fight/flight is by far the harddest for me to deal with. Like the time in the bar where a girl was flirting with him, that one was so strong it took me a week to return to my baseline. A process a want to speed up so for one I don’t do anything that I might regret and also because it’s extremely hard on your mind a body to be in.

I hear you when you say it’s hard to not slip into the fight-or-flight mode, once you are in a challenging situation. I do hope Dr. Lepera’s videos will help. Anita mentioned DBT and mindfulness, which are great methods for emotion regulation. The key is to breathe deeply, from your belly, and remain in your observer mind (observing your racing thoughts and feelings, knowing that those thoughts are trauma-driven thoughts and not true. So you just observe them but don’t believe them. You mentally separate yourself from them.)

I’ve also come across a very informative youtube channel, called Lewis Psychology. There is a video called “DBT skills: Wise Mind, Emotion Mind and Reasonable Mind.” I liked the idea of the wise mind a lot. We want to stay as much as possible in the wise mind, so perhaps having a mantra such as “I am anchored in my wise mind” would even help in the situations you’re triggered. I don’t know, haven’t tried it myself yet, but it just occurred to me that having a mantra that goes together with deep breathing might be a good idea in those situations.

It’s really good to hear that you’re more willing to go out and hang out with people, and even challenge yourself in situations which earlier would have been uncomfortable. That’s great – you’re building your “socializing muscle”, if there is such a word. Probably not, but you know what I meant to say 🙂

The only thing I am a bit wary of is the fact that your new flatmates will be a couple. I’d feel a little strange in such a constellation, but then again, I’ve never had a flatmate 🙂 I do hope it works out for you!

Dear humour,

My mother has grown weak with age but she has returned to her usual strong self. She just wants to see me happy.

It’s good to hear your mother has gotten stronger again and “can do without you”, i.e. doesn’t depend on your help. My mother also always said she wants me to be happy, however she criticized me a lot while I was growing up and didn’t have faith in me. So she kind of ruined my capacity to be happy… It took me many years to regain it…

And it’s always like that with childhood trauma – it ruins or severely limits our capacity for happiness. For example, we may feel confused and incapable of knowing what’s good for us. We don’t trust ourselves. I was like that. It came from my mother’s criticism of me, and then later I made some wrong choices, which left me feeling I can’t trust my judgment and I don’t know what is good for me.

It seems that you too have a similar belief about yourself:

I may be falling behind in life, not sure of the choices I have made, little afraid to make choices for the future. Everyone around me seems to be making a lot of progress. I don’t think I have failed but I feel I have not lived upto my true potential.

It seems you too believe that you can’t trust your judgment and that you’re afraid of making choices in the future. Another belief that I see in your words is “I am falling behind, I am worse than others”, which usually boils down to “I am a failure.” I had this belief for a long time too.

My false core beliefs are mostly the consequence of my mother’s heavy criticism, and then my father not protecting me from it, not standing up for me. So I was alone mostly, no one giving me encouragement and support, and no one telling me that I was lovable and worthy. I adopted the belief that I was faulty to my core. And also worthless.

I wonder what your family dynamics was. You did share a little about your family, mostly that yours wasn’t a happy and “normal” family. And that you tried everything to make them happy, but failed. What was your relationship with your mother, i.e. your father when you were a child? Because it defines what messages and false beliefs we adopt about ourselves.

Dear Addy,

you’re welcome, I am glad you liked the example.

Just today I’ve tried to empathize my friend, but the thing was that her stupidity made me little grumpy so.. Like who reads negative news (Murder and etc) super early in the morning and then be like “It felt like a nightmare”?

As anita said, when you see someone as stupid, it prevents you to empathize with them. OK, maybe you don’t see her as stupid, but you thought her behavior is stupid (to read the news first thing in the morning). But even so, an empathic response would have been something like “Oh that’s terrible” (reacting to the news of some murder). And then proceed with a suggestion “you know, that’s why I never read news so early in the morning – sometimes they are so horrible they spoil my entire day. I prefer to start with xyz…” (here you describe what helps you start your day in a positive, uplifting way).

So you empathize with her feeling of distress, and then you suggest something which might help her in the future. But you don’t push your opinion on her (specially since she didn’t ask for your advice), and you don’t treat her as inferior to you. If you do that, you won’t sound grumpy or condescending…

And for work I had to speak in Indirect way to one of the colleague ” like yeah it’s not like I told you to do it 3 days before. Obviously, you have other important stuff to do” but after that I felt like I did hurt her in some way.

Yes, that was rather cynical. Was it your subordinate to whom you said that? Was she supposed to complete a task and failed to do that, and this was your way of scolding/criticizing her?

I don’t know why attacking like that is a reflex for me

Being cynical and sarcastic is a defense mechanism. I think it happens when our heart is closed (guarded), and so we’re not able to empathize with others. A lot of people use it in communication on social media, specially when they argue with people with differing opinions, because it seems cool. When you use sarcasm, you’re not vulnerable. It’s like a shield. But when you use sarcasm with people with whom you want to have a close, friendly relationship, that’s a problem. Because we don’t want to throw poisonous darts at them. Rather, we won’t honest and open communication…

If you use sarcasm automatically, like a reflex, it could be because you were attacked a lot in your childhood, and you learned to close your heart and pretend it doesn’t hurt. And then you use poisonous darts to defeat the “enemy”. Maybe it’s like you’re saying “you can’t hurt me, I’ll rather hurt you“.

Maybe I buried something so deep for so long that I don’t even remember but it’s still there and I don’t know how to work on that

It could be that you built a shield around your heart, so you can’t be hurt again? And this shield goes up automatically, whenever you feel a certain friction or disagreement with anybody? And you start throwing those “darts” at them?

Dear humour,

Actually my mother is healing with me but she has always been strong and supportive and kept the family together.

You said she used to be strong and supportive, but when your father died in 2017, she suddenly became weak and fragile, both physically and emotionally:

My mother has always been a strong lady who took care of all important things around the house but once my father passed on, my mother has grown weak, physically and emotionally. She has grown tender towards me. … I am really worried if I can let go off my mother. … I find it hard to accept the fact that mom could get lonely…

Does it mean that she has returned to her usual strong self in the last 5 years? And that you’re not worried any more about her being lonely and unhappy?

As for binge eating, you said:

I eat healthy food too but I also eat because I crave a good feeling.

Are you perhaps aware of an inner critical voice (the inner critic) which is telling you certain negative things about yourself? For example, “I’ll never be happy”, or “I am such a freak” (both of these is what I’ve been telling myself while suffering from an ED). So what are those thoughts/beliefs that you have about yourself, which sort of run half-consciously in the back of your mind?

Dear anxie1y/thosedays,

I am sorry you’re feeling bad 🙁

After a lot of reading, I finally found myself diagnosed with adult ADHD.

Have you been evaluated by a professional? You did say you would go get a professional evaluation, but I am still asking because it’s not clear from your sentence.

I don’t know much about adult ADHD, but they say it’s highly treatable. Do you have a treatment plan?

Please share whatever you feel like, whatever you’re struggling with. I hope that with a proper treatment and a proper attitude, you will get better!

Dear humour,

Maybe there is more than one reason causing me to binge eat. I am not able to figure it out. I feel hungry most of the time but this is not happening since a long time, just a recent development.

If you feel hungry most of the time, it could be even something to do with your health, e.g. diabetes or hyperthyroidism. Did you have your blood work done recently? When you binge eat, do you feel hungry, or it’s more like “emotional” eating?

Yes Tee, I am currently living with my mother.

And how is it to live with your mother? You’ve shared that you like to help, so I am guessing you’re helping her a lot? How is it otherwise? (if you’d like to share)

I think understanding your relationship with your mother (and your late father) can help you understand yourself and also the way you behave in romantic relationships. For example, if we haven’t felt loved as children, we’ll often be attracted to people who aren’t interested in us, or who are emotionally unavailable. And we’ll suffer because our love isn’t reciprocated. Maybe you had experiences like that?

Hello Pradeep,

Tee here 🙂

I am sorry about your skin allergy – wish you a speedy recovery!!

I think you are bang on – he does have low self esteem and all the other issues you mentioned. Though I can’t figure out why because right from his childhood his mom quite her job to be with the children and I eased up at 40 to be available to my kids and have supported them throughout.

Hm, I don’t want to speculate why he might have developed low self-esteem, nor am I saying that it is your (his parents’) fault that he is like that. It seems you and your wife did everything to provide him a nice childhood, not just materially but also emotionally, since e.g. your wife quit her job so she can spend more time with the children. And it sounds like you were not an “absent father” either – you said you were quite supportive too.

If you feel you provided enough emotional support, without too much criticism, scolding, or making him feel like he isn’t good enough – well then, it’s not your fault. There could be other reasons for his low self-esteem, e.g. his school (bullying by his peers, just as one possible example). Or his sensitive nature as well. Or a mix of both.

Whatever the reason, he is an adult now and should take responsibility for himself. The fact that he is behaving irresponsibly and gets angry and dismissive if you even bring it up – shows that he isn’t willing to take responsibility for himself. He isn’t willing to look at his problem and address it, but wants to behave a little like a “spoiled child” and wants you to leave him alone.

Your wife might be somewhat of an enabler, fearing that if she is strict with him and sets some boundaries, it will be even worse.

Dr. Henry Cloud, a clinical psychologist, has a very interesting video on the topic of parents as enablers, and how to deal with problematic adult children. The video is titled “Breaking Codependent Patterns with Adult Kids“, and I recommend you watch it. I don’t know how much it applies to your son, but the point is that you as his parents should not be the source of help, but a bridge for him to find help (e.g. you should encourage him to seek therapy). Your role is to strengthen his capacity to help himself.

You may e.g. demand that he goes to therapy, or that he wakes up every day at a certain time, otherwise you can’t have him stay at your house, for example. The point is that the current situation isn’t helping him and I think you need to set some boundaries. You don’t need to be cruel with him, but you can set boundaries lovingly. Let me know how this sounds…

Dear Addy,

Thank you both for your insightful response. It lightened my bulb about being Empathic. I should try to be more empathic than trying to not criticize… I need to be more compassionate with others and myself.

you are very welcome. I am glad your light bulb went off about needing to have more empathy, not just for others but for yourself too.

I don’t like when people complain and not doing anything about it.

mostly what I do is when I listen to complain I directly go for solutions

This kind of approach is called the unbalanced masculine: when someone complains about something, i.e. expresses pain or hurt, we immediately offer solutions, instead of simply saying “I am sorry, this must be hard for you.”

Validating the person’s pain is the first step to empathy. In fact, there is a step before that: In order to validate another person’s pain, we need to first be in touch with our own pain and validate our pain. We can’t be empathetic with others unless we feel empathy for ourselves first.

I don’t want complaint about him [your father] or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

Constant complaining is not a good habit, and I understand if you don’t like it. However, expressing pain, hurt, sadness… isn’t necessarily bad. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we complain if we express our pain. In fact, expressing our emotions and naming them is the first step towards healing.

It seems to me, Addy, that the reason you don’t like listening to people “complaining” (i.e. sharing about something that bothers them) is that their pain reminds you of your pain, and you don’t want to get in touch with that pain (the pain you’ve experienced as a child and youth being heavily criticized by your father). You want to quickly jump to solutions, without “sitting” with that pain, without even admitting it’s there.

Empathy is the opposite of that: admitting the pain, sitting with it, not judging ourselves for it, just witnessing it and having compassion for ourselves for having experienced such pain.

What do you say?