Dear Annie,

a while ago you said:

I just find myself having no emotional or mental energy to do anything. And with my chronic neck and shoulder pain had been really bothersome and it’s been making things difficult since. And I just get so frustrated with myself and my pain. It feels like whatever I do this chronic pain never goes away.

Chronic pain can be related to blocked emotions, e.g. chronic shoulder pain can be related to feeling that you need to hold “the weight of the world” on your shoulders. You said you feel responsible to solve your parents’ problems – so in a way this could give you the feeling that it’s you who need to carry the burden (while others have it easy, like your sister).

It could very well be that when you start working on your emotional wounds, the chronic pain would subside too.

As I understand, right now you’re pretty much unable to move to a place of your own, because 1) you don’t have a job, 2) due to covid, and 3) because you don’t want to share a place with an unknown person, whom you don’t trust.

So you’re pretty much confined to your parents’ apartment and sharing the room with your sister. So physically, you can’t move and be free. But mentally and emotionally, you might be able to “move” and feel freer. One thing I believe would help you is not to expect to get empathy and understanding from your parents. Because you try to communicate with them, and it falls on deaf ears. Recently you broke down in front of your mother because she didn’t show compassion for you, and the friend that you had complained to earlier didn’t either:

… yesterday it just topped it off and I had a break down and cried in front of her because the same day, I was venting to a friend about something else that was upsetting me and her response made me felt like my feelings were invalid and I don’t feel heard, like my feelings are being dismissed. I was really feeling distressed because it’s like no one in my life understands or tries to empathize with me.

Expecting compassion and understanding from your mother – when she seems unable to give it to you – is what hurts you again and again. It just breaks your heart and deepens the wound. You’d need to accept that she isn’t capable of giving you what you long for, and seek it elsewhere. In fact, the best would be to seek it in therapy, where you’ll not only receive attention and empathy, but also the possibility to heal the wound of rejection, which is affecting most of your relationships.

I think this would break the cycle of you having a need, expressing it to someone unable or unwilling to meet that need, and then you getting disappointed and hurt even more.

Dear Javier,

How do I deal with all the nightmares, flashbacks, and anxiety attacks in the mornings?

Nightmares and flashbacks are a sign of PTSD, more precisely complex PTSD, which you’ve been suffering from. There is an excellent book: “A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD”, written by Arielle Schwartz. In there you’ll find many self-soothing and self-regulating practices, such as breathing, visualizing, mindfulness, physical exercise, etc. I highly recommend it.

Also, you said you’ve been introduced to sensorimotor psychotherapy and somatic therapy. How did you like it? Do you have an option to keep doing it?

Dear Felix,

I wanna take masters because i wanna feel an accomplishment for myself as there are only few who took masters… and also as an opportunity to live away alone for a few years…

I still wanna live away alone, and finally yesterday I asked my parents if i can go to china for language learning and they agree with it, because chinese (mandarin) language will be relevant for our business…

Cool! I think it’s a very good decision that you’ll be living away from your parents for a while, become more independent, perhaps learn to cook 🙂 (you said you want to). Perhaps you can even take some part-time jobs if your schedule at the language school allows it?

I feel so delighted that i can explore new places later on… and i can meet new people there… although the language course is only 2 years… and then i’ll go back to my home country and help my family’s business again…

I am glad you feel good about it. 2 years is quite a lot of time, you have a chance to learn a lot, not just the language, but everything else, which will give you that sense of accomplishment that you want and need.

I should’ve created my own goals that time and not prioritizing dating…

Well, you’re doing it now (you know what they say – better later than never 🙂 ) This is your new goal, it seems to me,  and it’s excellent:

But now i realize, that life is about learning everyday….. my principle right now is that i’m a person who needs to learn something everyday… so that i can be a more useful and improve my quality as a person.

It’s a great goal. You have more clarity about yourself now. You know what you need to feel better about yourself. Working out, learning Chinese and living on your own for a while – this will all help you feel better and happier about yourself. So you’re on the right path, Felix.

You may still have regrets (that’s your inner saboteur who’d like to take you away from your goals), but now you already have enough awareness not to take him too seriously. You also have another, positive voice in you, who keeps you moving forward. And that’s a great success. In fact, already that in itself is a big achievement!

I want to congratulate you, Felix, you’re doing a great job, and I am proud of you!

Dear Candice88,

I am happy to hear from you!

I am doing okay, on paper. I started a new job, am able to sign a lease for my own apartment, and will be moving out in a month when my new place is ready.

These are all good news.  You’re taking care of yourself and not depending on him to change in order to be happy. You’re creating preconditions to be happy on your own, if things with him don’t work out.

I can imagine how disturbing it was that he told you only in the last moment about his other commitment, even though you’ve reminded him several times about your therapy appointment. And it’s an ever bigger disappointment, I guess, to see that he doesn’t even understand what he did wrong, believing he has nothing to apologize for. That’s quite worrying, to be honest, and not a good sign. It could be that he’s going to therapy just to “appease” you, but that he isn’t really interested in changing.

So I still feel abused, manipulated, taken advantage of, and grossly unappreciated.

It’s understandable – he might be actually manipulating you: going to therapy just to reduce tensions, so you wouldn’t leave, but nothing more than that. From his reactions, he doesn’t seem like he really sees a problem with his attitude, or the need to change. So again, you’re doing the right thing to be moving out.

due to so many past negative experiences sometimes I still do catch myself believing that I deserve this kind of treatment.

When you do catch yourself thinking that, make sure that you’re aware that it’s just one part of you (the child part) believing that, whereas the adult part knows it’s not your fault at all. So be aware of your adult self and get anchored in it if possible.

And if you feel anchored enough, perhaps you can tell your inner child – the girl who was always blamed for her mother’s abuse – that it’s not her fault, that she did nothing to deserve the abuse. And also, that she doesn’t need to abandon her self-respect and healthy boundaries, so that the abuser would feel fine. You don’t have to abandon yourself to get a morsel of his “love” (or your mother’s “love”).

It’s good you’re working with a therapist and have her support. You’re doing the best for yourself, so just keep at it, one step at a time.

Dear MKnox,

you are very welcome,  I am glad this was helpful to you. I’ve watched Dr. Ramani’s videos, she really is a great expert, I’ve learned a lot about narcissism and other mental health issues from her.

I am going to accept that they will never do the right thing and give up on any line of thinking in that direction. I will not wish he will give me closure or try to seek it out because I know he will not. I will not try to have any contact with him or his parents. If I see him I will go in the other direction and I will not seek him out in any way. I will write this letter and give it my friend and then put this in my past be done with it and just work on healing myself from this terrible trauma. I will realize that he doesnt win and I am not helpless because he will always be a monster but I can get well. My mantra will be success is the best revenge if I ever start thinking about it. I will work hard to heal.

This is such a beautiful resolution for your own healing! You may even print it out and put it on a visible place, so you can always remind yourself when in doubt. If you stick to these principles, you’ll definitely be able to get stronger and heal from his abuse. Truly, you aren’t helpless and you can get well, and you don’t need absolutely anything from your abuser to get better. Your healing is in your own hands, and you can do it, with the help of those who truly care about you.

I am praying and rooting for your healing as well. Best of luck to you, dear MKnox!

Dear MKnox,

I was also saying true closure comes with both parties communicating and being on the same page, and i feel what I am doing is different from true closure because both parties are not involved.

True closure – I guess this would mean both parties agreeing on what lead to the breakup and remaining friends after the breakup – is rare even in less toxic relationships. The party that is left behind is often angry at her partner and think they betrayed them. The party that initiated the breakup lost empathy and understanding for their partner, or may feel guilty that they don’t love them any more. None of that is really conducive to dialogue and landing on the same page. So even in less toxic relationships, there is rarely “true closure”, the way you define it.

Amicable separation, with partners separating as friends, usually only happens when both parties have found new partners and both want to leave the relationship. All other scenarios lead to a more or less uncomfortable separation, specially for the party who is left behind.

What I am trying to say is that amicable separation is very rare. But what’s good is that amicable separation is not a precondition for true healing. Numerous victims of abuse have healed without their abuser’s apologizing. And numerous women (and men) in non-abusive relationships have healed after the breakup – even if the other party wasn’t on the same page as them. So the notion that “true closure” is only possible if the breakup is amicable  – is not really true. True closure is possible with proper healing and processing. You don’t need the other party for that.

As for the letter, I wouldn’t leave it on your friend to decide about its destiny. It’s too big of a responsibility for them. You would need to decide for yourself whether you want to send it or not. My advice is not to, because you’ll still be hoping for some reaction, and if the reaction is bad, you’ll feel even worse.

My advice is to write the letter and give it to a trusted therapist, as a way to express yourself and have your voice heard. With time, you can start speaking out and writing on the issue of narcissistic abuse, helping other women as well.

Dear Felix,

I feel regret because i know i’m smart enough to take that major….

This’ll be my bachelor degree for the rest of my life… and people in my country will view me as someone lazy who gets an easy bachelor….

Well, if you truly believe you are smart and capable of more, and you would like a higher degree, you still have the option to go for further training, such as MBA (when the situation with covid improves).

This is my final degree because i decided that i“ll not take masters after discussing with my parents….

After discussing with parents, we decided that i shouldnt take masters, along with the part time jobs and try living on my own… and i agree with it… we discussed for three straight days….

What made you change your mind regarding Masters and everything else? Is it just the current situation with covid or something else?

Dear MKnox,

I hear and understand your pain. And I see you are also very conflicted: a part of you still wants your abuser and his parents to hear you out and show you some empathy, even though another part of you knows it won’t happen. Here is the rational part of you, understanding what happened and that you won’t really get closure from them:

I think it was a big mistake unmasking him in the end and trying to stand up for myself and demand the respect of being able to have a voice and receive closure.

Its all lies and contradictions and manipulation and gaslighting.

How could someone do this to another person and just not even care? Much more i think he WANTS to destroy me and gets pleasure from my pain. Its just so devastating.

And here is another part of you who is confused as to what happened, because she wants to hope that it wasn’t all that bad:

With this relationship I have no picture, I have no understanding.

I can never truly understand the truth and it drives me mad that i cannot.

When I could put my finger on what happened and finally say this is it, You are a narcissist or worse a sociopath or psychopath I at least had some understanding and logically I can know this is the truth but emotionally i just cannot understand.

The emotional part is your inner child – the little girl that was hurt by her parents and cannot understand it because how could they hurt someone they are supposed to love. She is still looking for their apology, she still believes that if she wrote them a letter, they would finally understand and stop abusing her. And maybe even start loving her. Only you aren’t hoping to get it from your own parents, but from your ex and his parents. But the wound fueling your longing and your hope is the same: the wounded little girl who just wants her parents to finally show compassion for her, because it’s unbearable to think that they don’t love her, when she loves them so much and has even forgiven them for their abuse:

And god if your the kind of person that would read all this and hear the victim say they just want to forgive and have a voice and have closure and move on and be done with this and still try to hurt them then youre a truly evil person and i dont think thats true. esp of his father.

You said you’re not projecting your parental issues, but unfortunately, you are, because it’s the little girl who needs that closure. She cannot get it from her parents, so she is desperate to get it from his parents, specially his father. Can you see that?

I know if they did the right thing, it would make healing a lot easier for me.

You make your healing and recovery dependent on the abuser and his enablers. Do you see how it lowers your chances of healing?

Closure not a thing you can give to yourself. Closure involves both parties being on the same page.

Not necessarily. In some cases, e.g. in the case of rape, should the victim wait for the abuser to apologize and only then move on and heal?

Closure is having that full picture of what happened in the relationship and being on the same page together about what happened.

The first part is true: the victim needs to have the full picture of that happened without excusing the abuse. The second part isn’t true: you don’t need the abuser’s apology in order to heal. A rape victim doesn’t. She could wait her whole life and never get the apology she is hoping for.

Apologies and forgiveness are there and both can move forward knowing how to grow from it.

What if the abuser doesn’t want to grow from it?  What if he doesn’t even admit that he did anything wrong?

All I can do is give myself understanding and information and learn to heal from this and it will take so much longer and leave more wounds than if they did the right thing.

Again, the first part is true: you can and should give yourself understanding and information and learn to heal.

The second part isn’t true: it won’t take much longer to heal, and it’s because you won’t depend on their apology – an apology you might be waiting for the rest of your life. It will be much quicker and less painful if you stop waiting for their apology and give yourself closure.

I know it’s hard for you, because the little girl inside of you is still waiting to be loved by her abusers… but if you want to heal, you would need to give love to that little girl. You don’t need to do it alone though – a good therapist can give you the compassion and understanding that you long for and deserve.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Tee.