Dear Gary,

something else occurred to me – she opted for a night job, which seems like a pretty radical way to “break up her daily boredom”. You then practically didn’t see each other, because you were busy the entire day (full-time job plus rehearsals in the evening), while she was away the entire night.

Her choice of job also might have been her way of showing protest to your not paying attention to her, to letting her work in the night shift instead of stopping her and showing that you care about her. But you didn’t pick that up, but rather got involved in an affair yourself…

It shows you both made some rash, immature decisions at that time. The difference is that you’ve later realized your mistake, regretted it and apologized, while she hasn’t. You wanted to repair what was broken, she didn’t.

I wonder if you’ve ever apologized to her for not being there for her enough in those first few years of marriage, and for suggesting she should find a job, instead of spending more time with her?

Dear AP,

you said that when you first contacted her asking for her help in a legal matter, “she reached out with a very warm personal email expressing why she had kept away (how was were stuck in a drama triangle)”

What exactly did she tell you in that email? I believe it’s important because she might have said something that reveals her feelings and intentions towards you.

Dear Felix,

So i should just exercise in my room to make my body sweat?

you can buy a couple of dumbbell weights, or the rod with weights, and lift that in your room. You can exercise by the window, to have enough oxygen. I imagine you can also lift weights in the garden, since it doesn’t require a lot of space and moving around, so you probably wouldn’t disturb your father. Although 2 dumbbells doesn’t replace going to the gym, it’s a beginning, and you’ll feel better. Once the lockdown is over, you can continue in the gym.

Also, if I remember well, you said that sometimes your father goes for a jog – is he still doing that? Maybe you can join him, so you wouldn’t feel scared of the dogs?

if i really use braces i think the dentist will sacrifice that one tooth (backwards position) to be able to place the braces

how do you mean “sacrifice” your tooth? If your tooth is bent, can’t it be straightened by the braces?

As a person who frequently feels regret… So in the future, every time i feel regret doing something… i should just let it be and don’t think much about it? Even though it’s a part of humans emotion?

Regret is a normal human emotion, and sometimes healthy too, e.g. if we realize that we’ve hurt someone, and we decide never to do it again. Regret should lead us to change our behavior, but it’s only healthy if we also forgive ourselves for the wrong-doing we did. Beating ourselves up for something we did and never forgiving ourselves is not a good kind of regret.

A while ago you asked me about some instagram posts that you felt embarrassed about. I told you that if you’ve mislead people into believing that you’ve been working hard on a housing project, while you haven’t, you can feel regret about it (a healthy regret), realize it was a wrong thing to do, but also forgive yourself and move on. Beating yourself up forever for having made that post would be an unhealthy and destructive form of regret.

You’ve also expressed regret for admitting to your girlfriend/crush that you love her and for crying when she refused you. In this case you haven’t really hurt anybody’s feelings, you didn’t do anything wrong, you simply showed honest emotions. You showed vulnerability. Being yourself and being vulnerable isn’t a wrong-doing, and therefore regretting it isn’t a healthy thing, but it’s actually self-condemnation and it’s destructive.

To sum up, this is how I see regret: A healthy regret is accompanied by self-forgiveness and a positive behavior change, while unhealthy regret comes with self-condemnation and getting stuck in the past and ruminating about the past.

Can you see the difference between the two?

Dear Jess,

I am glad you’re feeling better and haven’t experienced a slump for more than 3 months! It definitely has to do with attending therapy and putting in place all those mechanisms to help you prevent and/or recover from a slump as quickly as possible.

I do accept the idea that I may be lonely. Even though it’s not a link I would’ve made between less interactions and depression, it definitely makes sense. The question is how to overcome this. I feel like I have done plenty of journaling over the years and unloading my feeling. I don’t feel like I have anything left to unlock.

In my previous post, in April, I made an assumption about what might have happened after you returned from your overseas trip: that you were disappointed that your friends – whom you felt were your family and really cared about you – didn’t really show much appreciation that you’re back and didn’t even ask you about your trip. As a result, you might have felt rejected and unloved. You might have concluded that you don’t matter. And this notion that we don’t matter to anybody, can be a huge driver for depression. How do you feel about your own worth – do you feel you matter?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear OrangeHeart,

you’re welcome, good you’re seeing the connection between your and your dad’s behavior.

I think my fear of going with my friend instead of my sister is because i just dont want to make my sister feel worse than she already does!

Right, and it’s the same fear you have with your boyfriend. It’s easier to keep them happy than upset them and then deal with the consequences…

It’s good you want to work on your assertiveness, but I think it’s also important to know where the lack of assertiveness is coming from: it’s not necessarily that you lack self-confidence and are shy, but it’s more that you are in the habit of suppressing your own needs not to upset the others. So I guess that in order to develop more assertiveness, you’d need to break free from that pattern you saw in your family, and realize it’s not the way to be in relationships…

Dear Candice88,

it seems you really tried everything, were patient with him, explained what bothers you and what might be his problem. And yet, he’s still finding excuses and avoiding to take responsibility for his actions, and always ends up accusing you. (this could be a little like your mother – she too would vehemently deny responsibility for her actions… just something to notice here)

We are going to our first couples therapy session in a week, so we will see how it goes.

OK. It may work since he sort of admitted recently that he was a “schmuck”. Until he admits his own responsibility (and his own unresolved issues from the past), there is no hope of him changing. Good that you’re aware of all that, and this time you’re determined not to tolerate his empty promises any more…

I am determined to move out, as heartbreaking as it is.

You’re doing the right thing. 100%. I know it’s hard because it’s also a new situation for you to navigate, but it will be rewarding to finally stand up for yourself. It’s hard but necessary…

If you need support in the following days or have doubts about anything, please don’t hesitate to post… wishing you luck with the move and everything!

Dear Candice88,

it’s good that you’re aware of the dynamic (that he sees you as his nagging mother who doesn’t love him and doesn’t care about him. And whom he resents a lot because of that). Have you talked with him about the need to work on his anger, specially related to his mother? It’s fine to express anger in a safe, therapeutic setting – that’s how he could be free from projecting it on to you.

Oh absolutely. I told him that those words are empty without actions, and I’m not going to risk forming a family with him based off of what I’ve seen.

Good that you’re determined to protect yourself. I do hope you stay determined once you get home… How do you feel about moving out now?

Dear AP,

at the end I was in a terrible place with my mental health and I pushed and pushed until she finally walked away.

How did you push her? If she feels angry at you, perhaps she secretly, or even unconsciously, expects you to apologize for your behavior? Do you feel there is something you’d need to apologize for?