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Tee
ParticipantDear nice_cup_of_tea,
you’re welcome. If you’ve grown up with having no say and always having to obey – basically with your own will having been crushed – it’s only natural that you’d develop huge resentment, not just against your father, but everybody else, whenever you feel they want you do something against your will, and you feel unable to say No. You were unable to say No to your father too, and your mother was probably the same, accepting his bullying and doing what he said. There is a lot of anger and resentment in you, that gets easily triggered, even with extremely minor things, as you say.
The solution would be to express and release that anger in a safe environment, such as therapy. To realize that you have the right to feel angry for having been bullied and controlled like that. You also have the right to protect yourself, to stand up for yourself, to refuse to do things against your will.
Once you express your pent up anger towards your father (in a safe environment, not into his face) and give yourself the permission to refuse to do things you don’t want to, you won’t be so easily triggered by small things, you’ll have a greater tolerance, but also a greater ability to say No to things you don’t want. So it will be much easier to deal with people.
But you’d first need to deal with that old anger from childhood, and then the present will sort itself out too.
How does this sound to you?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Tee.
Tee
ParticipantDear nice_cup_of_tea,
I’m at the stage though where I need to start attending certain social functions that I don’t particularly want to
Prior to the pandemic I managed to do things I didn’t want to do without getting so worked up about it.
You mentioned your in-laws as an example of people whom you don’t necessarily want to meet, but you feel you have to, for the sake of your husband. Are there other examples? Do you feel it’s a theme in your life that you feel you are forced to do things against your will, and it causes resentment?
Tee
ParticipantDear Felix,
I bet any parents would get tired to have a child like me
well, your parents in part contributed to your over-worrying and over-thinking. So blame it on them 🙂 But seriously, now that you’re aware of those tendencies of yours, and the family background that contributed to them, you have the power to change it, to change yourself. And you also know how…
We’ve already talked about your job at your family business, and your future there. You’re still young, everything is still possible, even going for a year or two to study abroad. But right now, you still don’t know what you want, you’re unsure about many things. So postpone those bigger decisions (such as about your career) till you feel within yourself what is that you really want. Till then, focus on smaller things, such as: “i also want to try going to the gym and wear braces…”
And even before going to the gym – start exercising. Don’t just think about it, do it. Start today.
Tee
ParticipantDear Felix,
i think there is a pair of dumbbell weights in my house… although it’s not heavy i guess i can try to use it for my exercise.
You can start with smaller weights (the ones you have at home), but if they are too light, buy another, heavier pair.
As for your teeth, you can inquire how long the teeth straightening process will last, i.e. how long you would have to wear braces. Also, if you’d be able to do it, considering your swallowing problem. Braces wouldn’t be a physical obstacle, people can eat normally with them as far as I know, but maybe psychologically for you it may be a problem.
Does it mean i shouldn’t analyze too much on it? Like i should just take it easy?
Yes, definitely, try to take it easy and live in the moment, without jumping in your mind all over the place, creating all those scenarios and potential obstacles in your head. Try to focus on the here and now, and what you can do today to improve yourself.
Tee
ParticipantSpelling error in the last but one sentence: that she can ever fulfill that need
Tee
ParticipantDear AP,
I just felt at home when I was by her side… She was my best friend and my lover. That’s everyone dream.. Right?
Yes, we all want that deep connection where we feel understood and loved for who we are. But at the time of the breakup, you must have felt differently about her. Although you felt so good and at home with her, you still couldn’t accept the fact that she cannot move closer to you, and that it’s largely not her fault.
You most likely reacted from your wound… perhaps you felt like she was depriving you of something – perhaps of that sense of home, of safety and security by her side – and it made you feel hurt and betrayed? And perhaps it also made you feel hopeless that she can even fulfill that need, with her ex preventing her to move away? Is that what happened?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Tee.
Tee
ParticipantDear AP,
I hear you, it is hard when you love her, and she’s moved on…
Specially if you believe she’s your soul mate. You probably feel there’s no one else, and you’ll never be happy with anyone else. Is that the case?
What do you feel she can give you that you can’t give yourself? Because if you can’t let her go, there’s most probably a deeper need that you feel only she can meet…
Tee
ParticipantDear AP,
She told me why she had kept away – that we had been in a drama triangle (she went through therapy) she said that is why it ended and why she had kept away
Right… you mentioned a little bit about this drama triangle: that at first she promised she’d move closer to you, but then her ex, the mother of her kids, forbid her (I guess she has the right to veto moving to a different state?), and she backtracked on you. You felt very hurt and couldn’t accept it, and so you suggested you should date other people – basically pushing her away and initiating breakup.
She’s obviously been in therapy for that, and probably has worked through her anger and pain, and has forgiven you, I guess. That’s why her answer wasn’t cold and curt, but warm and heartfelt. She talked about her kids, which is sort of a neutral topic. Maybe she thought you were interested in knowing how her kids are. And also, she likes your children, so she suggested a video chat with all of you together.
In all this I don’t see that she’s shown interest in renewing the relationship with you. It rather seems to me that she doesn’t hold a grudge against you any more – she’s healed and moved on – and that’s why she agreed to help you in your legal matter. She didn’t want to be a b**** and refuse you, specially if she has the resources to help you, and she’s healed from her wounds, so she can deal with you without getting triggered.
Why send gifts to the kids, suggest a chat with , all of these things just to remind me that she has a partner and no longer loves me and wants anything to do with our lives ??
Because she likes your children and doesn’t mind staying in touch with them occasionally? Specially when they told her they love her and miss her, it’s only natural she told them she loves them and missed them too. And that she sent gifts. It’s a completely natural reaction – she is kind with your children and doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. But she also doesn’t initiate contact with them and only replies when they write to her.
This still fits the scenario where she doesn’t really want to renew the relationship with you, but nevertheless, is polite and helping you with your legal matter, and is kind to your children.
Tee
ParticipantDear Gary,
something else occurred to me – she opted for a night job, which seems like a pretty radical way to “break up her daily boredom”. You then practically didn’t see each other, because you were busy the entire day (full-time job plus rehearsals in the evening), while she was away the entire night.
Her choice of job also might have been her way of showing protest to your not paying attention to her, to letting her work in the night shift instead of stopping her and showing that you care about her. But you didn’t pick that up, but rather got involved in an affair yourself…
It shows you both made some rash, immature decisions at that time. The difference is that you’ve later realized your mistake, regretted it and apologized, while she hasn’t. You wanted to repair what was broken, she didn’t.
I wonder if you’ve ever apologized to her for not being there for her enough in those first few years of marriage, and for suggesting she should find a job, instead of spending more time with her?
Tee
ParticipantDear OrangeHeart,
I just dont like conflict, i dont know how to break free.
when you express your needs, and it’s different from what the other person wants, how does it make you feel?
If you were to tell your sister the truth (that you don’t want to go to concert with her because she’ll get drunk and unpleasant), how would it make you feel?
Tee
ParticipantDear AP,
you said that when you first contacted her asking for her help in a legal matter, “she reached out with a very warm personal email expressing why she had kept away (how was were stuck in a drama triangle)”
What exactly did she tell you in that email? I believe it’s important because she might have said something that reveals her feelings and intentions towards you.
Tee
ParticipantDear Gary,
it seems to me you’re feeling a complex mix of emotions. You feel sorry for her, since she’s terminally ill, but it seems you also resent her for going through with the divorce (“She seemed so callous and uncaring and it cut me to the bone.”) and for never apologizing for hurting you.
You’re wondering if she ever even loved you, and would like to get that answer from her, before she dies. Well, what if she loved you but in a selfish and immature way (like Inky said), and since you weren’t meeting her needs, she looked for someone else. And then when she found that you too had an affair, she was extremely offended (indignant, you say) and perhaps continued with Rob partly out of spite.
It seems she wasn’t mature enough to apologize, perhaps she felt she was hurt more by your cheating than you were by hers (which also suggest immaturity on her part). Also the fact that she would be spending time with her lover while her two small children (age 2 and 4) were alone with the babysitter shows another layer of irresponsibility and immaturity.
If you look at her as having been immature at the time you knew her (and if you agree with this characterization), how do you feel about her?
Tee
ParticipantDear Felix,
So i should just exercise in my room to make my body sweat?
you can buy a couple of dumbbell weights, or the rod with weights, and lift that in your room. You can exercise by the window, to have enough oxygen. I imagine you can also lift weights in the garden, since it doesn’t require a lot of space and moving around, so you probably wouldn’t disturb your father. Although 2 dumbbells doesn’t replace going to the gym, it’s a beginning, and you’ll feel better. Once the lockdown is over, you can continue in the gym.
Also, if I remember well, you said that sometimes your father goes for a jog – is he still doing that? Maybe you can join him, so you wouldn’t feel scared of the dogs?
if i really use braces i think the dentist will sacrifice that one tooth (backwards position) to be able to place the braces
how do you mean “sacrifice” your tooth? If your tooth is bent, can’t it be straightened by the braces?
As a person who frequently feels regret… So in the future, every time i feel regret doing something… i should just let it be and don’t think much about it? Even though it’s a part of humans emotion?
Regret is a normal human emotion, and sometimes healthy too, e.g. if we realize that we’ve hurt someone, and we decide never to do it again. Regret should lead us to change our behavior, but it’s only healthy if we also forgive ourselves for the wrong-doing we did. Beating ourselves up for something we did and never forgiving ourselves is not a good kind of regret.
A while ago you asked me about some instagram posts that you felt embarrassed about. I told you that if you’ve mislead people into believing that you’ve been working hard on a housing project, while you haven’t, you can feel regret about it (a healthy regret), realize it was a wrong thing to do, but also forgive yourself and move on. Beating yourself up forever for having made that post would be an unhealthy and destructive form of regret.
You’ve also expressed regret for admitting to your girlfriend/crush that you love her and for crying when she refused you. In this case you haven’t really hurt anybody’s feelings, you didn’t do anything wrong, you simply showed honest emotions. You showed vulnerability. Being yourself and being vulnerable isn’t a wrong-doing, and therefore regretting it isn’t a healthy thing, but it’s actually self-condemnation and it’s destructive.
To sum up, this is how I see regret: A healthy regret is accompanied by self-forgiveness and a positive behavior change, while unhealthy regret comes with self-condemnation and getting stuck in the past and ruminating about the past.
Can you see the difference between the two?
Tee
ParticipantDear Felix,
Aside from the exercise…
have you done some exercises?
now my brain gets motivated to go to the gym later on after my city’s lockdown has been lifted
You said you would do some jogging around the block. Is it possible at the moment (with regard to covid)? If not, try to exercise in your room, or in your garden…
Your thoughts are similar as before, you’ve already expressed once that you see this girl as a rival, or that you’re jealous because she’s a girl and as such, has an easy task to find boys, whereas you as a boy don’t have such an easy task to find girls, etc. You also talked about having a shortage of girls in your city and mentioned other issues that you see as potential obstacles for you. This is all your mind overthinking and keeping you stuck.
I know you’d say that this is me overanalyzing again… but do u have a few words regarding this situation of mine? Like maybe u might understand what i’m feeling right now?
My words and advice are the same as before: 1) adopt a positive self-image (use mantras, affirmations, love your inner child, have faith in him, etc), 2) do things that will give you a sense of accomplishment (to counter the idea that you’re weak and incapable), 3) do physical exercise to reduce mental chatter and produce good chemicals in your brain, such as dopamine.
I really cannot give you a different advice at the moment…
July 30, 2021 at 12:57 am in reply to: Dealing with emotional/physical slumps on a regular basis #383690Tee
ParticipantDear Jess,
I am glad you’re feeling better and haven’t experienced a slump for more than 3 months! It definitely has to do with attending therapy and putting in place all those mechanisms to help you prevent and/or recover from a slump as quickly as possible.
I do accept the idea that I may be lonely. Even though it’s not a link I would’ve made between less interactions and depression, it definitely makes sense. The question is how to overcome this. I feel like I have done plenty of journaling over the years and unloading my feeling. I don’t feel like I have anything left to unlock.
In my previous post, in April, I made an assumption about what might have happened after you returned from your overseas trip: that you were disappointed that your friends – whom you felt were your family and really cared about you – didn’t really show much appreciation that you’re back and didn’t even ask you about your trip. As a result, you might have felt rejected and unloved. You might have concluded that you don’t matter. And this notion that we don’t matter to anybody, can be a huge driver for depression. How do you feel about your own worth – do you feel you matter?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
Tee.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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