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Dear canary,
I am very sorry you’re struggling so much. I believe there are 2 main problems that you’re struggling with: 1) feeling a lack of support by others (I have no one to talk to about this… I just need someone to empathize with me and understand me.), and 2) feeling that you are “less than” because of your anxiety (Having such horrible anxiety is exhausting. I don’t feel like a human being sometimes because of it.)
I believe both of those problems stem from your childhood. You were afraid to even share your fears and anxiety with your father, and your mother was afraid to share it too – so you’ve learned that your anxiety is a big no-no, something aberrant and to be ashamed of, something that makes you abnormal. That’s where I believe your problem No2 stems from – that you sometimes feel like you’re less than human because of your anxiety. Feeling worthless and that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.
The other problem is lack of support. Your parents are now saying “when you cry, we cry“, which isn’t helpful because it makes you feel guilty about your feelings. And they don’t want to really know about your problems, they minimize them (but you look better! You’re doing better.).
In your childhood, maybe your mother had a similar attitude: “when you cry, I cry”? She lived in fear of your father and it was probably a burden for her to deal with your fears alone. And she didn’t know how to. Whereas your father’s attitude was something like: “if you cry and show weakness, you’re weak, you’re defective, and I’ll be very disappointed in you”. Would you agree?
You didn’t reply to my previous post, but it seems to me your father had quite a damaging effect on your self-esteem. And in combination with your mother’s fear of him, you were mostly left alone to struggle with your fears, which then grew bigger and bigger, leading to anxiety.
It seems to me you are still living with that same wound of 1) not receiving proper support and 2) feeling “damaged” due to your anxiety. Would you agree?
Dear Ryan,
I tend to date women who have had poor relationships in their past. “Poor” meaning either abuse or infidelity.
At the same time, I tend to date accomplished, stable, college-educated women–nurses, law enforcement, Ph.D., etc
Are those the same women? The accomplished, college-educated women, who had poor relationships in the past?
I’m not settled in my own soul and cannot feel settled with another.
I always feel like I need to get myself right before I meet another,
That’s largely true. If you aren’t happy with yourself, you won’t be able to be happy with another. The question is why you aren’t happy with yourself, and this is what I’ve been trying to explore here with you.
My theory is lack of self-esteem: on one hand, you believe you are inadequate and you need to change first, before you meet the right woman (I always feel like I need to get myself right before I meet another). But a part of you hopes you aren’t inadequate. This part craves the validation and praise he is receiving from women who are head over heels for him. This part is going from one relationship to another, staying 6-8 months at most, and basking in their love and adoration. He feels good about himself for a while.
But the inadequate part doesn’t really buy it – he “knows” you aren’t good enough, and sooner or later, you start withdrawing from the relationship. You blame it both on yourself and the woman (I am highly self-critical–and critical). You feel you aren’t good enough (I’m not settled in my own soul), but the woman isn’t quite to your taste either. The latter is mostly an excuse – you simply want out, you know you can’t stay. As I said, I believe you want out because you believe you would prove to be inadequate in the long run.
But you don’t want to stop dating completely, until you “get settled in your soul”, because you crave love and validation you are receiving from the women you are with. That’s why, after each breakup, you start thinking: there has to be something more (or better) than this. I hold onto hope that the next girl will be different.
You seem to forget your own principle: I always thought I’d get a grasp on things in my life, and then I’d meet that one person who was right for me. You forget that it’s largely due to your own issues that you can’t keep the relationship. You start believing that this time, you’ll come across the right person – before you solve your own issues. This is how your mind tricks you into pursuing new relationships, without really solving the underlying problem, which is in you.
Anyway, that’s one possible theory. The question is how to heal yourself… You say you did CBT on and off for more than a decade. Have you worked with your inner child? Because you seem to be very intellectual, but your emotions aren’t very involved.
It could be that those emotions are stored in your inner child – all the anger and hurt and pain… Your inner child believes he is inadequate and unlovable. You, the adult Ryan, would need to get in touch with that little boy and show him you love and appreciate him. You’d need to become a good parent to that little boy… How does that sound to you?
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 