Dear nice_cup_of_tea,

you’re welcome. If you’ve grown up with having no say and always having to obey – basically with your own will having been crushed – it’s only natural that you’d develop huge resentment, not just against your father, but everybody else, whenever you feel they want you do something against your will, and you feel unable to say No. You were unable to say No to your father too, and your mother was probably the same, accepting his bullying and doing what he said. There is a lot of anger and resentment in you, that gets easily triggered, even with extremely minor things, as you say.

The solution would be to express and release that anger in a safe environment, such as therapy. To realize that you have the right to feel angry for having been bullied and controlled like that. You also have the right to protect yourself, to stand up for yourself, to refuse to do things against your will.

Once you express your pent up anger towards your father (in a safe environment, not into his face) and give yourself the permission to refuse to do things you don’t want to, you won’t be so easily triggered by small things, you’ll have a greater tolerance, but also a greater ability to say No to things you don’t want. So it will be much easier to deal with people.

But you’d first need to deal with that old anger from childhood, and then the present will sort itself out too.

How does this sound to you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

I bet any parents would get tired to have a child like me

well, your parents in part contributed to your over-worrying and over-thinking. So blame it on them 🙂 But seriously, now that you’re aware of those tendencies of yours, and the family background that contributed to them, you have the power to change it, to change yourself. And you also know how…

We’ve already talked about your job at your family business, and your future there. You’re still young, everything is still possible, even going for a year or two to study abroad. But right now, you still don’t know what you want, you’re unsure about many things. So postpone those bigger decisions (such as about your career) till you feel within yourself what is that you really want. Till then, focus on smaller things, such as: “i also want to try going to the gym and wear braces…”

And even before going to the gym – start exercising. Don’t just think about it, do it. Start today.

Spelling error in the last but one sentence: that she can ever fulfill that need

Dear AP,

I hear you, it is hard when you love her, and she’s moved on…

Specially if you believe she’s your soul mate. You probably feel there’s no one else, and you’ll never be happy with anyone else. Is that the case?

What do you feel she can give you that you can’t give yourself? Because if you can’t let her go, there’s most probably a deeper need that you feel only she can meet…

Dear Gary,

something else occurred to me – she opted for a night job, which seems like a pretty radical way to “break up her daily boredom”. You then practically didn’t see each other, because you were busy the entire day (full-time job plus rehearsals in the evening), while she was away the entire night.

Her choice of job also might have been her way of showing protest to your not paying attention to her, to letting her work in the night shift instead of stopping her and showing that you care about her. But you didn’t pick that up, but rather got involved in an affair yourself…

It shows you both made some rash, immature decisions at that time. The difference is that you’ve later realized your mistake, regretted it and apologized, while she hasn’t. You wanted to repair what was broken, she didn’t.

I wonder if you’ve ever apologized to her for not being there for her enough in those first few years of marriage, and for suggesting she should find a job, instead of spending more time with her?

Dear AP,

you said that when you first contacted her asking for her help in a legal matter, “she reached out with a very warm personal email expressing why she had kept away (how was were stuck in a drama triangle)”

What exactly did she tell you in that email? I believe it’s important because she might have said something that reveals her feelings and intentions towards you.

Dear Felix,

So i should just exercise in my room to make my body sweat?

you can buy a couple of dumbbell weights, or the rod with weights, and lift that in your room. You can exercise by the window, to have enough oxygen. I imagine you can also lift weights in the garden, since it doesn’t require a lot of space and moving around, so you probably wouldn’t disturb your father. Although 2 dumbbells doesn’t replace going to the gym, it’s a beginning, and you’ll feel better. Once the lockdown is over, you can continue in the gym.

Also, if I remember well, you said that sometimes your father goes for a jog – is he still doing that? Maybe you can join him, so you wouldn’t feel scared of the dogs?

if i really use braces i think the dentist will sacrifice that one tooth (backwards position) to be able to place the braces

how do you mean “sacrifice” your tooth? If your tooth is bent, can’t it be straightened by the braces?

As a person who frequently feels regret… So in the future, every time i feel regret doing something… i should just let it be and don’t think much about it? Even though it’s a part of humans emotion?

Regret is a normal human emotion, and sometimes healthy too, e.g. if we realize that we’ve hurt someone, and we decide never to do it again. Regret should lead us to change our behavior, but it’s only healthy if we also forgive ourselves for the wrong-doing we did. Beating ourselves up for something we did and never forgiving ourselves is not a good kind of regret.

A while ago you asked me about some instagram posts that you felt embarrassed about. I told you that if you’ve mislead people into believing that you’ve been working hard on a housing project, while you haven’t, you can feel regret about it (a healthy regret), realize it was a wrong thing to do, but also forgive yourself and move on. Beating yourself up forever for having made that post would be an unhealthy and destructive form of regret.

You’ve also expressed regret for admitting to your girlfriend/crush that you love her and for crying when she refused you. In this case you haven’t really hurt anybody’s feelings, you didn’t do anything wrong, you simply showed honest emotions. You showed vulnerability. Being yourself and being vulnerable isn’t a wrong-doing, and therefore regretting it isn’t a healthy thing, but it’s actually self-condemnation and it’s destructive.

To sum up, this is how I see regret: A healthy regret is accompanied by self-forgiveness and a positive behavior change, while unhealthy regret comes with self-condemnation and getting stuck in the past and ruminating about the past.

Can you see the difference between the two?

Dear Jess,

I am glad you’re feeling better and haven’t experienced a slump for more than 3 months! It definitely has to do with attending therapy and putting in place all those mechanisms to help you prevent and/or recover from a slump as quickly as possible.

I do accept the idea that I may be lonely. Even though it’s not a link I would’ve made between less interactions and depression, it definitely makes sense. The question is how to overcome this. I feel like I have done plenty of journaling over the years and unloading my feeling. I don’t feel like I have anything left to unlock.

In my previous post, in April, I made an assumption about what might have happened after you returned from your overseas trip: that you were disappointed that your friends – whom you felt were your family and really cared about you – didn’t really show much appreciation that you’re back and didn’t even ask you about your trip. As a result, you might have felt rejected and unloved. You might have concluded that you don’t matter. And this notion that we don’t matter to anybody, can be a huge driver for depression. How do you feel about your own worth – do you feel you matter?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Tee.