Dear canary,

thanks for sharing some more… When that situation happened in the 4th grade, when your class mate cut his finger and you got confused as to what to do – have you told your parents about it? If so, what was their reaction?

In the fifth grade, when you felt extremely anxious because the teacher would often pick you to answer questions (to help you come out of your shell) – have you talked about it with your parents? Did they know you were skipping school because of that?

I am asking you this because if you needed to deal with problems on your own (or you didn’t want to upset your parents with your problems), it can easily lead a child to develop anxiety because there’s no one to help them and emotionally regulate them…

Dear Felix,

Right now i’m trying to stop my internal saboteur from making this issue a new obsession to worry about.

Excellent that you’re observing yourself and realizing that your internal saboteur would want to make this a new issue to obsess about. It’s a new subject to “latch” onto, and he does it in an attempt to keep you in stuck in one place, not trying anything new, not doing physical exercise, just overthinking until you get exhausted and depressed.

Notice his intention and do something such as physical exercise, walk, jog, drawing or whatever that can help you stop this voice and do something productive.

I’ll write more later.

Dear canary,

you’re welcome. As I said, your needs are totally legitimate, including the need for empathy and understanding, but the truth is that if we have a childhood wound, where those needs weren’t met when they were supposed to – then no one will be able to give us enough, unless we first heal that wound. Or, they will be able to give us in the beginning, as he did, but then they’ll get tired and give up.

You say he accused you of being too sensitive and too emotional, but you don’t understand why:

He told me I was sensitive and emotional but in a bad way. I don’t understand what I was doing that made him feel that way,

The answer could be this:

I would get lots of anxiety and need reassurance that he loves me. He would try his best to reassure me and make me feel better.

I admit I was very codependent on him because I wouldn’t take care of myself sometimes (especially during the end of the relationship) and I wasn’t able to self-soothe my emotions. I relied on him for my happiness a looot. I think that’s why he reacted with resentment and is hostile and disrespectful…

So you relied only on him to take care of you and soothe you when you were upset, and you also needed him to reassure you often that he loves you. That’s all a big burden for a person. He was doing it for a while, but then got tired. It was too much for him to handle, specially when you would go through an episode:

I would listen when he’d talk about himself and vice versa, until I would be going through an episode.

he was showing me love and empathy during the beginning of my relationship, it wasn’t exactly what I needed but I would tell him what I needed and he would understand and change to support me, but as soon as my mental state deteriorates, he’s not able to be there for me.

I imagine that when you went through an episode, it was too much for him to handle, he didn’t know what to say or do. Perhaps his defense mechanism was to “check out”, to not be there for you in those critical moments.

His mistake was that he didn’t tell you you’re burdening him at the time when it was happening, but would use passive aggression instead (like not being available to talk, or talking about himself when you were very fragile and in need of support):

I made sure to never dump everything on him but he never told me at the moment that he couldn’t talk to me (he didn’t set a boundary). I didn’t know I was doing something wrong because he never told me about it at first.

You experienced it as a sudden change in his behavior: at first he was super caring and considerate, and suddenly he became cold and unresponsive. The reason could be simple: it was too much for him, but he never dared to say anything openly. He rather accepted (or appeared to have accepted) your characterization – that he lacks empathy and that he should change. But he said he can’t change, because he allegedly suffers from the antisocial personality disorder. Frankly, this might not even be true, perhaps he’s just told you this as an excuse, because he didn’t want to argue with you any more?

I didn’t realize how hurt he also was because of our relationship until he told me about it and it finally hit me that we had been both hurting each other without realizing even though we loved each other very much.

It’s possible that he too was hurt, because he wasn’t able to meet your expectations…  and wasn’t able to tell you openly how he feels about those expectations. His resentment grew over time, first it manifested as “checking out” (passive aggression), and now he’s showing it openly by being hostile and disrespectful.

I don’t understand why I still love him to this day and care for him. I don’t even know if he feels the same way, even if he doesn’t it never changes the fact that I still care and love him.

There may be many reasons why you love him and care for him. Maybe one is that you feel that deep down he isn’t selfish and inconsiderate, but just couldn’t give you what you wanted. You said he never wanted to hurt you on purpose, and that may be true…

All I really want is to move on with my life and keep the good memories locked away in my heart, it’s really difficult and right now I’m not sure what to do.

You’re right that you need to move on from focusing on him to focusing on yourself and dealing with your anxiety. That’s the only way you can have a healthy relationship in the future.

You say you have a good relationship with your parents, and that they are supportive of you seeking professional help. You also said you didn’t tell your parents when you were admitted to hospital for suicidal thoughts, and that your ex- boyfriend was the only person you talked to about those things. How come you didn’t want to confide in your parents? If you feel like it, please share some more…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear canary,

I would just like to add that you are not too much, and that your need for empathy, comforting and soothing is legitimate. Your anxiety is probably the result of those and other needs not having been met properly in your childhood. There are ways how to meet those needs after the fact, in adolescence and adulthood, in a safe therapeutic setting.

What I was saying is that he, as a young guy and a non-professional, is unlikely to be able to meet your needs, even if he were the kindest person on earth, because there is a wound there that first needs healing. If in addition he has his own issues and reacts negatively to your needs, then he definitely isn’t/wasn’t able to give you the support you need. But help is available, and I hope you can get access to therapy soon…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear Natie,

you’re very welcome, I am glad that you can now see your dynamic with him a bit more clearly. What are you planning to do regarding your relationship?

as for being the eldest , yes 100% thats correct and not only my sibilings but the entire family’s problems somtimes..

It seems you took it upon yourself to be the serious and responsible one in the whole family… If you would like to say some more about your childhood and the family dynamics, you’re very welcome.

i am starting to learn how to let go slowly , there is alot of bad habits i need to change about me ..

Since you easily slip into harshly accusing yourself (“I am the devil in the relationship”), my advice would be to start with a lot of self-compassion and self-acceptance. Also, try having compassion for your inner child – for the girl you once were, burdened with responsibilities beyond her age, trying to be a perfect daughter and a perfect sibling (if I am guessing right?)… If you feel like sharing some more, please do.

Dear canary,

He did appreciate me in his own way

He shows his support and love to me in a very different way, at first I wasn’t used to it and I wholeheartedly believed he did not love me because he was not showing me love in a way that I understood it.

Could you give an example of how he was showing his support and love for you, which at first you didn’t register as love?

You say you needed him to show empathy because that’s how you feel loved. Can you give an example of a situation in which you expected more empathy but he failed to show it? And what was his reaction instead of empathy?

Dear Natie,

I’ve been catching up with your posts on this thread, since when you posted originally I was on holidays and rarely at the computer. I see that you’re questioning whether it was a good idea to initiate the breakup, and further, whether you’re an evil person, a devil, for focusing on your career first and not wanting to settle down just yet.

This is what you wrote on the subject of career vs settling down:

he wanted to get married from the first year of our relationship and i want to be with you but lets first figure out our careers and do our MBAs and then we can settle.

he said some ugly words about the fact that he doubts any guy would want to be with me with my mentality ( not wanting to marry right now and join him at the states because im still not ready and we agreed on marrying at 27 and so i arranged my career and studies to happen prior to that time-

he always told me he was proud of me and how motivated i am in my career and he feels bad for my bad luck in my unstable jobs but suddenly i was told twice that i was selfish and i put work as a priority because if you love someone you need to compromise and life is short and work in a specific field is not important

im putting alot of effort into my career and studies at least for the next 3 years and refusing to tie the not in the meantime,

im asking too much from a guy to wait all these years ( especially that he met me at 21/22) just for me to start my career and get my MBA , , in his own words ” no guy waits all that long , all i want is to be with you , i dont see why you cant make that happen even if it means to change your entire career you can always find another job..

he saw my latest internship to the UAE ” as a selfish move and that i did it for my own good and not to the good of the relationship” –> which is a point i can not understand till now

we had a huge fight two days ago where he ended up acusing me of being slefish and just want to follow my career

i asked him to continue doing our long distance relationship like any other couple but he said that this is not love and im not putting him as a priority then

It appears that from the start of your relationship, he wanted to settle down relatively soon (presumably after you both graduate?), but you didn’t want that and expressed that to him. You then agreed to get married at 27, after you get your MBA and/or settle in your career. So it seems that in the beginning, he agreed to wait and supported you in pursuing your career and further education first. But after a while, specially after his father’s death, he seems to have changed and started accusing you of being selfish for putting your career first before him.

Would you say that’s true – that you initially had an agreement, and then the circumstances changed, and as a result, his attitude changed too?

It could be that his father’s death was a big emotional shock to him, and suddenly he became more vulnerable, asking you to accommodate for that and change the original agreement (of getting married at 27). But you had and still have the same goals and ambitions as before (nothing wrong with that), and didn’t want to abandon them just like that. So you’re sticking by the old plan, and he’s asking you to change it, for his sake.

I don’t think you’re evil for wanting to accomplish your career goals. I don’t think he is evil either for feeling vulnerable and perhaps lonely, and wanting to settle down sooner. I still think it would be best if the two of you could talk honestly and try to understand each other’s motives. But if every discussion you have ends up in an argument and him accusing you of being selfish, then he isn’t willing to see your point.

What I am noticing as a potential problem is that perhaps he doesn’t feel heard by you, because you tend to immediately offer practical advice on how to reduce his pain. For example, when his father died, you said you were sending him prayers, meditations, suggesting therapy etc, but when talking to him on the phone, you weren’t very supportive but moody, and perhaps he sensed it. Perhaps, rather than hearing about ways to reduce his pain, he just wanted to be heard and his pain acknowledged. Or, when he called you from the US in the middle of the night, crying, you told him to man up and were upset that he woke you up:

3 days after his arrival to the states he called me crying in the middle of the night and i was like really? and i started talking with a high pitch but all my content was me telling him the following ” its tough  i know we all been there , i know people who kept on crying for 6 months and wanting to leave and then they survived it ,, i went through this just like you last year and its going to be ok, you need to man up as your father told you ,, etc..” anyways we ended up arguing as he was like why are you screaming why are you acusing me of waking you up , why cant you be more loving by telling me that its ok to go back home or to keep on crying and that its difficult and nothing forces you to stay , etc…

It seems like he didn’t feel heard by you, because you sort of attacked him for calling you in the middle of the night, and then you told him to man up and “get over it”.

You said you were like a mother to him in the first 2 years of your relationship, helping him in so many ways and teaching him how to improve himself. Anita likened your behavior to that of a practical mother. Indeed, you seem to be very practical and pragmatic in your approach: if there’s a problem, you seek to fix it as quickly as possible. But you may be missing the soothing, comforting quality of that “mother” – having compassion and understanding, and simply listening to the other person, being there for them, “sitting with their pain”, so to speak.

It doesn’t mean you need to be a mother to him, either a practical and problem-solving, or a comforting one, but I am just saying that there might be an energy about you where you tend to seek solutions before you really empathize with the person. I wonder if you see any truth in this?

Dear canary,

you’re welcome, and I am glad it feels freeing to you to still love him but not having expectations of him changing. This helps you be free from emotional attachment to him, from the hope and excitement that you feel if he shows signs of improvement, followed by disappointment and anger if he hurts you again. Basically, it frees you from the emotional roller-coaster, where you make your happiness and well-being dependent on his actions. I am sure you know all this, but I am still saying it out loud to make a stronger point 🙂

As for his disorder, there are people who love and care only about their immediate family, and would do anything for them – even lie, cheat and steal if necessary (i.e. behave in an antisocial manner). It seems your ex might belong to this category of people… When you were his friend and then girlfriend, he might have put you in the “loved ones” group and would behave kindly to you, or at least would try. Although you say that even then he lacked empathy, but perhaps he was willing to work on it and become “a better person” for your sake. Even after you broke up, up until April 2021, it seems he had remorse for leading you on and hurting your feelings. He even said he was a “shitty person”. He seems to have regretted that he’d hurt you.

I guess this is the personality that you liked – that he at least saw how some of his actions were hurtful and perhaps showed a willingness to change. But this April, it seems he stopped caring – you say he stopped caring how his actions affect you. I guess this is how he behaves with everybody outside of his “loved ones” group: he doesn’t care about them, doesn’t care if he hurts them or exploits them. This is probably the personality you detest and don’t want to have anything to do with.

It seems to me you saw a potential in him when he was open to change, when he would admit his mistakes and show some remorse. That was attractive to you and got you hooked, got you hopes up. Based on what you’ve written, he never was truly caring and supportive of you, but at least he was “trying”, or he saw that he “should be” more empathic, and this was what kept you hoping. You did say in your last post that you had “a great bond and connection”. But I wonder if that bond was rather around working on his “improvement” and his need to change, and not really a bond in terms of feeling respected and supported by him?