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Hi Ruminant, Inky, Big Blue:
All of your responses were so comforting, particularly because I haven’t told people in my life the specifics with the exception of my therapist. (Yes, she specializes in domestic violence.) It makes me feel so validated just to hear that other people have had similar experiences and that I’m not going crazy. I didn’t know cluster b personality was a thing, but I just looked it up and wowza..that fits the bill.
I think that you are right – I should stay with friends for a while and look for another place. I will record the events and look into how to follow through with a restraining order in the event that he comes around again.
As for mobilizing myself again…I would like to “own the store/town..” I am having anxiety because I feel targeted and my self esteem is clearly not in good shape if I was in this to begin with. I have thought of telling everyone I can, but I am
1. embarrassed/ashamed and 2. hesitant to give it any energy, including negative energy, as I think it may feed his ego. On the other hand, there is a part of me that wants to warn people/future women with some sort of online truth. I am not sure that is the way to handle it though.
Thank you both. I really appreciate it.
your words mean a lot.
Thanks for all your responses. I called my sponsor and AA folks walked me through this today. I went to 4 meetings and talked with people. They told me the first months of sobriety are full of emotion and insane ups and downs. I had no idea it would be this hard.
The guy has compounded my recovery, so I am stepping away and back off from him. I can’t think clearly about all of that yet.
Thank you so much. I will be okay, with help from here and my community.
Yes, Joseph, I think that I am afraid of “success” as much as failure. If I get through this semester, it means I have 4 months left until I look for a job and my life may change a lot. I will have arrived where I’ve wanted to be for a very long time. It is terrifying!!
Same with the bf. If things go well with us for a few more months, we will most likely take a big step together. I don’t know if I”m ready, so I constantly look for why that is impossible. (Total self sabotage!) I think I can probably work on my self-esteem.
School first, this week. And sort the rest out after. Thank you Matt & Al, it is true — I need to stay connected to the big picture this week, get rest and prioritize. Everything else after in steps.
Thank you for your response.
Yep, you are absolutely right. I think I am afraid to bring things up around this issue because he had a hurtful and tough experience with long-distance before me. Sometimes I feel like I”m walking on eggshells, because I don’t want for us to decide it’s too hard or that we can’t do it. But if I swallow it down, I know it will come out eventually, probably in a not-so-mature way.
I think the first step is realizing it’s okay for me to feel this way, and it does not mean I am needy or strange. Then, I will try and gently talk with him.
Thank you Matt.
Thank you two!
I agree…..I think I have some past triggers around this issue. I am going to work on my own feelings and reactions.
Mika, your website looks really interesting…I’m going to check it out!
You have so much wisdom. I appreciate your thoughtful response.
Acceptance of the situation is exactly what I need to do if I am to continue, and I will try everyday to build rather than focus on the distance.
I really loved your comment about what have you seen, smelled, heard…really nice.
Best wishes to you!
I think every couple works out a groove for that — but in my opinion, counting and keeping track of things like groceries is trivial and nit-picky. Just trade off.. Large expenses can be discussed…Generally I feel if one person makes a lot more than the other, then either 1. it can be proportional or 2. type of housing/costs should be considered if splitting 50/50. The idea, I think, is to not let money run the relationship, as most divorces are over this. It also doesn’t mean to ignore it. It seems if both people are financially independent in that they can support themselves, a lot of problems are overcome. But this all gets more complex with marriage and children.
What is the situation? Are you married or not? Kids? What kind of jobs/wages? Is one person expected to do more at home/with the kids?
Your feelings are normal. Five years is a very long time, and do not feel you have to rush back into dating. 5 weeks in comparison is nothing!
Everyone deals with these things differently. Some people handle the pain by withdrawing, others with ‘rebounds’ or new relationships, but the feelings your ex is avoiding will come back and hit him eventually. I’d tell your friends you don’t want to hear ANYTHING about him. I actually asked my friends to delete my ex from facebook and if they didn’t want to, to not reveal anything about his life to me.
Try to use this time to fully examine and feel what you are going through. After my 4 year relationship ended, I covered the negative feelings anyway I could, and they are creeping out now, 3 years later. Try to find your center and what makes you excited. Go out with friends. Try to stay busy. Cry as much as you need. This feeling will pass. Allow yourself the time and space to get there.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. If someone is scolding you when you call, that is not right…..Please do not blame yourself!!
Matt, your response in particular resonated with me. I’ve heard before from friends that men take longer to commit. (I hate that we are such stereotypes!) I think you hit his behavior right on the head. I did have a conversation with him recently, and he said he understands now how I feel, even though he didn’t before. And that he has never been with someone that asked him to think about things like that. He also said that how I feel is fair and that all he can do is gain my trust back.
Jamie, I like your idea and I will ask him that.
Overall, it seems he wants some guidance from me on what I feel ok with and not. I want to be with him, so I think it is worth the risk, as long as I can stop analyzing and enjoy.
Thank you for your responses. I read them carefully and I am considering your words, which mean so much. I hope to be able to experience and validate my own feelings so they don’t lead to this anymore. I have tried a few things in the past week — counting when angry, choosing words more intentionally, and removing myself from people and situations that I feel uncomfortable with. This seems to be a good start, and I’m going to try and continue on that path.
Peace to all of you as well.
Thanks for the response! Our experiences do sound similar.
I agree, I actually get a lot done when he is traveling for work, and it helps me keep an eye on my own life/goals. I think I am nervous that he too likes newness/excitement, so the traveling works to our advantage now, I worry about if we’re capable of being stable/stationary.
It’s really intense when he’s in town. It feels like everything else stops for a week or two, because we don’t have much time together. Would it be best to absolutely stick to my schedule either way? Sometimes I want to rearrange things to get more time together.
I like your straight talk. I’m going to try it. =]