There is also something else that I want to talk about, ( and it annoys because I feel like im rumating), but I think I should acknowledge the fact that I have been very insecure about my nose since freshmen year. Back then it was not that bad, because I would just notice a hump (which was probably cause by playing rugby)  through a certain angle in photos.

If it helps you any, I was insecure about my nose when I was your age, too. Mine is very small but is what I call “ski slopey.” I have a bump at the bridge that slopes down and then the tip of my nose turns up a little bit at the end but it’s quite noticeable from my profile because of the bump. I felt weird about it…. but then I had 2 kids who both have my nose and I love it now because I think their noses are cute on them… so  that means mine probably doesn’t look so bad on me either.  It just goes to show how we can see things on ourselves that we don’t like but when we see the same things on other people, we realize they’re actually not as bad as we thought…. so it’s probably not your nose that’s the problem, it’s just the way you’re viewing your nose.

During junior year I was insecure about it, but at the same time I knew girls thought I was pretty good looking, but this year I’m barely attracting any girls and feel like I became uglier.

It’s likely the girls are sensing your insecurities rather than anything about your facial features. I’m sure your physical attractiveness hasn’t changed much in that time, but confidence is emotionally attractive, so if you can get back to feeling like you look good and you like what you see and how you feel, I’m sure you’ll experience a turn-around when it comes to attracting the ladies.

Mark, I just simply plan on telling her that i don’t think we are compatible.  Not as families or lovers.  That the amount that we fight and disagree and have issues with our children and our children having issues with each other is too much.  That in fact it is reversed.  What i mean by that is that for the amount of time we fight or have problems is the amount of time that we should be happy and all getting along and vise versa.  I’m going to tell her that I’m just not happy like I should be and my girls are not happy either.  That we need to be on our own.  That I need significant time to also rebuild my relationship with my girls.  That I just can’t do this anymore.  Feeling guilty and responsible for her happiness and wellbeing.

Just jumping in to say that this sounds good. Solid reasons.

Also, I know you’re feeling guilty, but guiltiness implies a responsibility for a specific wrongdoing, and you are not the only person at fault for the downfall of this relationship or for her feeling hurt. You both contributed in your own ways. Although it’s totally understandable to feel sad or down, try to reframe it in your mind so that you know you aren’t the “guilty” party, she is not the victim, and that blame is shared quite equally in this case. People feeling hurt is a natural byproduct of situations like this and no one is technically at fault for that either. You both have hurt each other so no one is specifically to blame. It’s both of you. It might help you with your resolve to actually go through with the breakup this weekend if you’re able to get over that guilty feeling a bit.

Really, there’s no point in trying to understand why narcissists are the way they are. It’s a legitimate personality disorder that is unlikely to change… and lots of times, I’m noticing that they have at least one parent that is very enabling. Sounds like his mom is his enabler. That’s also unlikely to change because neither one sees anything wrong with his behavior.

You just need to stop letting yourself get sucked in. You know better at this point, right?  No matter what you feel for him, you know your life is better off without him in it, so that is a boundary you must set for yourself and stick to it. Push HIM out before he pushes you out.

Yeah, I agree! Definitely a great idea to just give him his space and just hang out and enjoy each other’s company when you can.  🙂

In my opinion, it’s good that you’re noticing your irrational thoughts and are recognizing that they’re irrational. That’s good because that means you can change them. If you know something is irrational you can dig deeper into the WHY. Why am I thinking this? What is it that I really want? If I got what I thought I wanted, would it REALLY help me or is what I TRULY want something deeper than that?  Once you start questioning this stuff and really dig in there and hash out the root, it fixes the cause of a lot of this stuff.

The irrational thoughts that you’re having is where that book comes in handy too. There is a chapter on recognizing the “automatic thoughts” or “thought errors” as they call them, labeling then (overgeneralizations, mind reading, “should” statements, etc), and then rethinking/rationalizing a more adaptive thought. Once you practice doing this, your thoughts will likely turn from automatically maladaptive to more adative thoughts, so they’re more rational than irrational.  To change your mindset you just sort of have to retrain your brain, and that takes time.

With the meditation, if it’s leading you to pick out irrational thoughts, it might actually be working. Those bad feelings and thoughts are just there to show you what needs to be looked at and worked on, so it’s not necessarily a bad thing and definitely not a waste of brain energy. Recognizing and acknowledging your issues is how you fix them 🙂 So that’s actually really mindful… to be able to even recognize your issues. (and having issues/bad feelings/irrational thoughts also doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you… we all have them for different things. Life is a constant state of growth). Maybe try meditation again, a little more regularly for a bit… like set aside 10-15 minutes in the morning to do it and then another 10-15 in the afternoon, same time every day if you’re able to, and see what comes up.

No matter what, be gentle with yourself. All of this stuff takes time. Realistically, you’re at an age where you’re going to care what other people think at least to a certain degree. I think that’s normal, too. My advice is to just try not to actually compare yourself to them (not comparing will save you a ton of suffering), and just keep working on being okay with who you are because the RIGHT people for you will love you for exactly who you are. The right kind of people can really appreciate someone who is genuine, authentic, and loves who they are, so that’s a good goal to work toward… just figuring out who you are for yourself and being that person… and knowing it’s okay to be that person and that you don’t have to put on an act for anyone.  And it’s also okay for not everyone to like you.  One of my favorite quote is by Dita Von Tease and she said “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”   And how true that is.

It sounds like you two are on exact opposite ends of the parenting spectrum and maybe you both need to meet in the middle.

Screaming at a kid is not good, but I can tell you that I spanked both of my kids when they were little and, if you do it when they are very young, you don’t need to do it when they get older because they don’t like it, don’t want it to happen again, and they learn how to properly behave so that they don’t get spanked anymore. I completely and totally disagree with the idea that spanking does any kind of permanent emotional damage to kids (I’m talking spanking, not beating though. There should be no marks or bruises left). I know some people are very against it, but that’s my opinion on it. I was spanked when I was younger, and my kids got spanked when they were toddlers. They are now 7 and 13 and I cannot even tell you the last time I had to spank them, and they are both very well-behaved, loving, well-adjusted kids and now all I pretty much have to do when they’re misbehaving is give them the “mom look.”  If you are uncomfortable with spanking, though, that’s okay, but you’ll need to find some other form of punishment to use when she misbehaves that she absolutely hates in order to deter her from misbehaving again.

On that note, it’s quite possible that you are being a bit TOO lenient on her, with just letting her scream and carry on, especially if it’s happening in public places, because it’s very important to set boundaries. Lots of times, kids will test their parents to see what they can get away with when what they really need is structure.  Parents DO need to have some control over their children or those children will walk all over them (and everyone else) when they get older. My daughter also spoke very, very clearly and definitely like a 5-year-old when she was 3, so I know exactly what you mean when it comes to that. It’s likely you have a very smart girl on your hands and potentially a little firecracker, which makes it all the more important that you make sure you are able to have a firm hand with her (speak calmly but firmly when she is misbehaving and follow through with what you say, hold her to your punishments. Don’t let her “cute” you out of following through with them. haha)

On the opposite end of the spectrum seems to be your husband, who is reacting in a completely different way than you are. Screaming at kids definitely doesn’t get you anywhere, but what does help is a calm, firm voice. They have to know you mean what you say, that they need to obey what you’re telling them to do, but screaming and yelling only makes them afraid.

If I were you, I would maybe start with picking up some parenting books. You may not agree with everything that’s said in them and that’s okay. You don’t have to take all of the advice given, but it would be a good place to start. Even reading blogs written by people who are child psychologists or have some form of training (i.e., not just random blogs written by moms), might help direct you two toward a parenting style that will fit you both, but it sounds like you both need to adjust a little bit and meet more in the middle… with both being calm AND firm in your parenting.

Could I still accept it and let it go but at the same time not hang round with him? I said to my friends I can’t really hang round with him anymore as he’s been  so rude/awkward in my point of view.  Or perhaps i should try to ignore that

Oh, absolutely!  Accepting it and letting it go is just for yourself, your own feelings. You’re just not letting it bother you anymore. If you don’t like the new dynamic with him and don’t feel like you want to be around him, that’s totally okay. I’d just go with the flow at this point.  That friend that I mentioned earlier that became awkward with me… he was still invited to all of the parties I was and we both always went, we just didn’t really talk to each other and focused on our other friends that were there, and that was okay. Eventually we started talking again, even just little conversations here and there, and that’s okay too. The same may eventually happen with your friend and it’ll feel less awkward to you.  Until then, you can do whatever it is you feel comfortable with. Accepting it and letting it go will just give you some peace about the current situation.

I spoke to him about getting help and not just reverting to drugs & alcohol…he told me that he uses his ADHD & anxiety as a crutch to continue to abuse alcohol and pot. I know you can’t necessarily “abuse” marijuana but he will not go to sleep without smoking first. However, we’ve been on numerous vacations with my daughter and he does not do that around her (or smoke cigarettes etc.) It’s almost like he is living a double life..

You absolutely can abuse marijuana, even when people try to tell you you can’t. It’s just like any other drug (including caffeine. Caffeine can be abused, too). There is even a medical diagnosis called “cannabis use disorder” now.  If he even says flat out that he uses ADHD and anxiety as a crutch, it’s likely he just really likes abusing alcohol and pot right now.