Yeah 🙁  Breaking up with someone is a really hard thing to do. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, but it’s just one of those things where you just kind of have to rip the band-aid off. However, I think you’re right to not do it a couple days before she starts a new job.  At the same time, though, I don’t know if I’d wait too much longer either. I guess you’re just going to have to keep playing it by ear and be careful not to make plans too far into the future. If she talks about wanting to make any plans, I’d just tell her you don’t want to and you can even use that time to tell her you are having doubts about your relationship and don’t think you should make any plans because you aren’t happy with how things have been going.

this is so incredibly hard to do.  It’s funny cause when my ex-wife left.  She just left, we were done.  No hard feelings.  It was easy.  Now it feel worse and more difficult.  I don’t understand.

Was your ex-wife more independent? Your girlfriend seems very codependent so it’s likely you feel more needed and it feels like you’re breaking up with someone who can’t get along without you, like a child, which feels mean… but it’s not mean. She is a grown woman and it would only benefit her to learn to stand on her own. But if your ex-wife was different and more independent, then that’s why that one was easier. You probably knew she’d be fine and she knew that, too.

Give me strength for this.  I need it.  If I know one thing about myself it that i’m a lover not a fighter.  It is very hard for me to not feel bad and sacrifice my own feelings and needs for others.  There are many time i wish i was one of those people that didn’t give a crap.

I’m the same way… but here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned about sacrificing your own needs for others. When you’re sacrificing to make sure others are okay, in spite of your own needs, it tends to blow up in your face later on in a BIG way… because it deteriorates your health. If you kept on the road you’re traveling, sacrificing just so she won’t feel hurt, it will only get worse until the point where it just all explodes. So it might make you feel better short-term to not have to hurt anyone, but long-term it’ll make everyone more miserable. And that’s why that’s counterproductive.  Self-care is putting your own needs above others’ wants to make sure that you are emotionally healthy, and that is a very, very important thing to do. Self-care should be a priority for every individual.  I also want to point out that being with you doesn’t seem to be very healthy for your girlfriend, either.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Valora.

Ugh. My cousin had a boyfriend who pulled that once… threatened to take his life if she broke up with him. He was also mentally abusive to her and she was miserable with him. She broke up with him anyway. He didn’t take his own life. And quite frankly, it wouldn’t have been her responsibility if he had, and it was not fair for him to pin that on her in the first place. Same goes for your girlfriend. The next time she says that, I would drive her straight to the hospital and tell them she’s threatening suicide. And I’m serious about that. If she’s serious, she needs professional help to not feel that way. If she’s not serious, it’s abuse. That is a threat, and it’s not acceptable.  I’m quite convinced, based on what you’ve said, that she has very serious codependency issues. You did the right thing by walking out.

I sincerely hope she does get help. She is not responding in a way that is healthy. For either of you.

I think this is the best thing for me.  Yes, i want someone who is independent, can take care of themselves at the very least and someone that can have the freedom and is able to do things like i want to.

There are lots of women out there who are like this, especially these days. Many women are more and more independent and self-sufficient than ever.  So chances are good you will be able to find what you’re looking for who will also be able to give you the feelings you’re after. Once you get out of this mess you’re in.

Yeah, it sounds like has issues he needs to work on. It’s possible that this is just how he is. His culture may have something to do with it as well, but it’s said that 6 to 7 months is about the time that the “honeymoon phase” in a relationship starts to wear off (although sometimes it lasts longer than that), and that’s when you really start to see people’s true colors.

So, I think the decision now lies on you and what you’re willing to put up with. If it were me, I would have a serious talk with him about his behavior and let him know it’s unacceptable. If he cannot stop accusing you of cheating and all of these other things, then you should either break up or he should seek counseling if he’s willing and wants to change. But that will only work if he WANTS to do it. He may be able to change on his own without counseling if he actively works to change his behavior, but, again, he’d have to want to. Otherwise, if he is unwilling to see how his behavior is affecting you and unwilling to change, I would move on and find someone who would treat you better, because I can imagine it would be hard be stay happy in a relationship where this kind of treatment is going on.

Have you been to counseling at all?

I think the first step is figuring out exactly what it is that makes you feel unworthy… not on a surface level, but deeep beliefs, deep down. Why do you think you’re not worthy and what caused those? If it was caused by your relationship, exactly what aspects? What was said or done and how did it make you feel and why? You have to just ask yourself a ton of questions to get to the root causes, and then you work on changing those thoughts and beliefs. That’s where a therapist can really help because there are quite a few techniques that help do this. But it’s all about changing those beliefs.

Most of all, accept that HE thinks you’re worthy. He’s the one who gets to decide who is worthy for him, just as you are the one who gets to decide who is worthy of you. Not the other way around. So if he says those things about you, work on letting yourself believe them. He’s telling you what he sees. Allow yourself to see the same.

It seems my ex had a similar belief to you. When he broke up with me he was going through a depressive state and said he wanted to feel like he was good enough for me but he just didn’t and he felt like he was going to drag me down. What I saw in him was the complete opposite. He absolutely was more than good enough (especially when it came to the things I cared about) and he meant the world to me. We dated for 2 years, and this was eventually our downfall, so definitely work on these feelings now, before you get into a relationship, because you’re right, it could potentially sabotage it. BUT the feelings you’re having are ones that can be changed… you just have to dig deep and find the root cause.

Also, you said he’s not ready for a full-blown relationship yet anyway, so be careful to not get attached to the idea of a relationship with this man until you know he’s ready for a full-blown one. If you start assuming there will be one when he’s only said he’s not ready, it’s a sure-fire way to increase the bad feelings. So definitely best to keep your heart in check there, too.

I really think my girlfriend is delusional or in denial about the whole thing.  She is weird, because she says she knows i don’t love her like i did my ex.  and that she doesn’t think i will, but yet she still wants to stay with me.

I don’t think she’s necessarily in denial or delusional because she is very much acknowledging the truth of the situation. The fact that she’s choosing to stay, though, says she is codependent, which is just as harmful to a person and a relationship as being delusional or in denial.

She does need to take responsibility for her moving in also.  It wasn’t like we were exactly on cloud 9 when she did.  She should have decided to wait and make sure all was good  between us. I do take responsibility as well.

Exactly. It’s very clear that you’re also taking responsibility for your part in it, which is why you’re feeling guilty, but this is on her, too. First and foremost, a parent’s main job is to do what’s best for the kids. Not to sound judgmental on my part, but making them switch school districts so she could move in with a her boyfriend she’d only been seeing for a few months was not a good idea, and that was on her. She’s the one that chose to move her kids.  You didn’t force her to.

But like you said… we all make mistakes. The important part is recognizing them, taking responsibility, and learning the lesson from them. But it isn’t right to accuse you as if you were the only one who made the mistake or that you forced her into the position she’s in. She put herself there by agreeing to it.

I also wouldn’t do too much comparing with this situation and your ex. They’re just two different situations. Just because you’re feeling this way about your girlfriend doesn’t mean your ex felt that way about you at the time. It’s hard to say what your ex was going through. And as much as it sucks to recognize this… whether your ex thinks about you often or not doesn’t really matter because she isn’t a part of your life right now. Who knows, maybe she’ll come back once you’re free again and have had a chance to focus on you and your kids for a bit, but as of right now, she’s staying away. I think she might still have some growing to do anyway given how she handled things the last time. It still showed some immaturity.

I really need to get back to myself, with just me and my girls. I need to make them and me my priority anymore, NOT other people, no matter how I feel about them.

This is absolutely the best thing you can do. Just get back to being you and spending time with your girls and see if your daughter notices you’re more “you” after a while. Get in a good spot with the way you feel in general again. Then let love find it’s way to you after that. I don’t think it hurts to hold a little hope alive for a reconciliation with your ex down the road, but also keep your options open, get to know new people with the hope that there could also be someone even better than your ex out there… someone who makes you feel the same way that your ex did (that “home” feeling), who has kids who are already grown and is free to travel and go do fun things, has their life together, and who is ready for a mature, committed, life-long relationship…. that’s what you’re ultimately looking for, right?

I hope that has made it slightly clearer. I should not solely blame him but I do think my father had an impact on my choice in men in some sort of way. I don’t know. Maybe the therapy can help peice these things together.

Yes, this is definitely common for parental relationships to impact future romantic relationship choices. The good news is that if you are attracted to guys who are bad for you, this can be changed by working through your feelings with your therapist. Once dealt with and resolved, it should be much easier for you to then hold out for the kind of love you deserve, someone who treats you well.

Stay strong with your resolve when it comes to not seeing your ex, no matter how much your mind tells you it will make you feel better see or talk to him. Your past experiences have shown you this is is not the case, so remember those. Once you get through this hardest stage of the withdrawal and detaching, it should get easier for you. You deserve better than he can give you. Just keep reminding yourself of that whenever you start feeling weak.

Maybe even write in a journal the thoughts you have that say you should NOT be around him… anything that he’s done that’s made you feel bad or treated you in a way you don’t deserve… then read that journal every time your resolve weakens. It should help to strengthen it up again. Read it whenever he shows up at your work or wants to meet up with you before you respond to him.

Good luck at your job interview! You really do sound like you’re taking some great steps towards feeling better, and I’m sure those will help a lot, too! And we are always here to vent to whenever you need it! 🙂

Okay, let me ask you this…. what do you think it is that is making her depressed and upset? Is it the situation you two are in or something else?

Also, her jealousy is very clearly out of control at this point. Do you think it’s likely to get worse the more you continue the relationship or do you think talking to her would make her stop being so accusatory or suspicious? Because it definitely doesn’t seem to be getting any better yet. There is no reason she should have been calling you like that when she knew you were working (and it’s VERY common for those in fields like electricians and plummers, etc., to be called out on emergencies. Nobody wants their house to burn down or flood!), especially to the point where you felt like you needed to race home in a snowstorm. So no matter what you decide to do, that behavior has to change. It’s not at all healthy for either of you.

To me, this relationship as it is seems like it’s very toxic for both of you. If her depression is stemming from her feelings about the current situation, then wouldn’t it make sense that changing that situation would actually help her in the long run, after she gets over the initial pain?