Then I will revisit my feelings and my girls feelings and how we are all doing.  If it hasn’t changed, then I will have to have a talk with her.  I’m not looking forward to that at all.  But If things don’t change, I know I can’t live like this anymore.  for me or my girls.  I feel like such an asshole.

I believe you said this exact thing back in November, where your plan was to wait and see until how you felt in the new year, and you’re still feeling the same way and saying the same things. Do you think it’s possible you’re trying to drag this out because it’s a conversation you don’t want to have because it makes you feel guilty?

Also… what would happen if your ex came to you tomorrow and said she wanted to start over and be with you again and told you everything you wanted to hear? What would you do about your situation with your current girlfriend then? Because even if your ex came back, you still have this problem of your girlfriend depending on you.

Hi Jemma,

I have trust issues, too, even when the person I’m dating has given me no reason to not trust him, and I’ve took a lot of time over the last year to get to the bottom of them. So maybe my experience will help you, too. I had a boyfriend when I was younger that cheated on me quite a lot, and I kept going back to him anyway. Over the years, I’d assumed my trust issues came from that experience, but when I dug deeper, I realized that it probably wasn’t that because he was someone you would expect to cheat… his dad was a cheater, his friends all cheated on their girlfriends, etc., so what he did wasn’t really a surprise and I stayed because I was young and stupid. haha.  I found out that my trust issues actually stem from the instances where people you would never, ever think would cheat end up cheating. My mom, a good, Christian woman with a strict moral compass, cheated on my dad.  My sister, same moral compass, cheated on her husband. I’ve had friends who I never thought would cheat that did. I think these are the things that hurt trust the most because you feel like you can just never tell and no how many times someone might assure you that they won’t, they still could.

So… what I’ve learned is that there is no magical formula to be able to trust. There is ALWAYS going to be a risk there because we are all humans, but if you find someone who is loyal, have faith in them and know that they’re worth that risk. The only thing that has kept my faith in loyalty is knowing how I am, which is loyal to practically a fault. There are people out there who deserve our trust, and if you have been with your boyfriend for a long time and he’s never really given you any reason not to trust him, then have faith that he will keep doing the right thing…. especially if he doesn’t tend to put himself in situations where he would be tempted.

I’ve also learned intuition can play a part on helping you decide whether you are right not to trust someone or if it’s your trust issues acting up. If you have a thought or feeling like someone is potentially betraying you and feel a fear in the pit of your stomach that gives you anxiety, that likely isn’t intuition, it’s your fear/ego making you mistrust. If you have a thought of betrayal and you still somehow feel calm, like it’s there but it’s something that is supposed to happen, that’s intuition.

If I’m reading that last one correctly… your phone was in the car but she said you didn’t need your phone because she wasn’t on her phone, then her phone dinged with a text message and you questioned her about it, right?

It’s entirely possible, though, that she WASN’T texting but someone just randomly sent her a message. Happens to me all the time because I rarely text people first unless I have a question or something. So maybe it would help if you could start thinking of scenarios that give her the benefit of the doubt instead of asking questions about it right away?

As someone who’s never even had a serious relationship, I just thought it was a matter of interest: if there’s a connection/interest, you pursue it. If not, then you drop it.  That’s why it was so confusing because I know there was an interest. I also thought a year was enough time and that he was dating, it showed he was ready.

Yeah, once you’ve had a heartbreak or two, especially a devastating one, it tends to complicate things so that it’s not quite as easy as whether you feel interested or not. I’ve passed on some really great guys in the past because I just wasn’t ready to let myself take that risk yet. Sometimes you feel like you’re ready and you really want to be with someone, and then once you start to develop stronger feelings, it’s like whoooaaa, nope, not ready. haha. So when he said it wasn’t you, definitely believe him. I really think it’s just him still trying to deal with what happened, and there’s never a time limit for that. And it’s also good that this happened NOW rather than you two getting into a committed relationship for years and then him freaking out when it’s time to make a bigger commitment (like moving in or marriage) and him leaving THEN, even though you still love each other. That can definitely happen, too (there are some people that are comfortable with a relationship level of commitment but moving toward any deeper commitment than that causes them to run).

I hope this trip that he is on allows him some alone time to do some thinking. Sometimes that’s all people need to calm down and get things back into perspective. Otherwise, I think you have a good plan, and it sounds like you’ve got a really good head on your shoulders. When you’re single, taking the time to focus on you and your own happiness for a while is always a great thing to do!

I agree with everything Marina has said here and I’ve found the same from my own breakup experience. Once I was able to quiet my ego so I could hear my heart, things became a lot easier for me… but when you’re right in the middle of it, it’s hard to even believe you can get to that point and it can feel like it will last forever… but it won’t. So if you feel sad, let yourself experience the sadness for a bit and it’ll pass. And it will come and go in waves for a while, but they will slow down and become few and far between over time. And also do the things that make you feel good like the meditating and talking to your mom. Those are very healthy things to do and will absolutely help. Sometimes this stuff just takes time to work through and you have to be mindful and gentle with yourself in the meantime.  Trying to keep my thoughts focused on the present always helped me too. When they’d drift to the past or the future, I just tried to refocus to the hear and now, and in the present moment, as long as we are not in any immediate danger, the here and now is usually better than our egos want us to believe it is.

I know I’ve told you this a bunch, but I’ll say it again because I second Inky’s advice.

You are not responsible for her leaving her old place and moving to yours. She made that decision for herself in a brand new relationship, which was a TERRIBLE decision on her part. Meanwhile, you were still grieving a relationship and she knew that even then, right? Terrible decision on her part.

I also highly, highly doubt that even if there wasn’t the mess with her kids and her work and your ex that you would feel any differently because there is still the drinking and the co-dependence on her part, neither of which are healthy and both of which would eventually drive you just as nuts. The fact that she put up with being second to your ex AND drilled into your head over and over that you’re the one for her despite the fact that you are in love with someone and AND the fact that guys fought all the time just screeeaaams co-dependence. It’s not going to be a healthy relationship even if everything else was perfect because she is way too dependent. If she were the type to have the independence that you wish she had, she would not be in this mess in the first place and she wouldn’t need you to constantly help her.  If she doesn’t have a very good job, she likely now qualifies for at least some government help being that she is a mom of 2. Make sure she doesn’t put you and your kids down on the paperwork. I’d have her try to get that to get back on her feet.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving this relationship and leaving her to deal with the mess that SHE made (because she’s an adult capable of making her own decisions and needs to take responsibility for that), and you would be smart to leave.

Yeah, I don’t think your girlfriend COULD block her if your ex already had her block because your girlfriend wouldn’t have been able to get to her account to block her. It’s weird that your ex decided to unblock your girlfriend though. Why even bother checking up on your girlfriend if she’s “DONE.” Makes absolutely no sense.

At any rate, she’s acting very, very immaturely and, in my opinion, she most definitely hasn’t done enough growth where a relationship would work for you two yet. You guys would probably end up having the same problems. So it’s good that you still have her blocked and are just trying to focus on what you’ve got going on with your current situation.  Hopefully your girlfriend will get a huge tax refund and that’ll help her to get back on her feet. If she does end up moving out, I wouldn’t even bother with seeing each other because you’re already taking a step backwards and it’s highly likely there is someone out there who is a better fit for you than both of these women, and being single will give you a chance to find exactly what you’re looking for, so I’d make a clean break of it, if I were you.