Hi Sadiya,

I get that you are unhappy in your marriage & are over it and considering divorce at this point. Marriages are really difficult contracts because of the legal things that go into it and also the emotional & belief systems people have about it. I’ve come across a number of post where people were in a very similar situation to you, these women shamed themselves really harshly for falling in love with someone else after being in a relationship with someone they were unhappy with, and a few of them stayed not because they wanted to but because of fears about what society would think of what others would want.

At the end of the day, yes every decision has some consequence. And in these cases , neither will make anyone super happy .. It brings me back to the fairness vs Justice Question. Do we choose fairness or justice? Fairness may make everyone happy but it is not always just for the person. While justice may not make everyone happy but atleast its just. Two moms cry because they want a baby, the biblical figure on the deciding end isn’t sure who the real mom is… he can go with fairness & split the baby in half or Justice . One mom says “give me the baby!” The other mom says “split it in half!” Of course he finds the real mom is the one who wants the full baby- Justice. Even though it lead to the other one being unhappy.

This is to say, no one really knows what they want but you. No one has the answer but you. We can give you opinions all day. But I’d hope you’d choose the answer that makes you feel the most at peace outside of others opinion of you.

On the other end. I’m glad you are considering the well being of others. I had assumed you already did. It seems your husband may be okay other than a broken heart (though he has seemed to stop trying to resolve the issues Years ago..) , but your worry about how it will impact your children is valid. Yet in my opinion and it’s just my opinion – divorce is always hard on children but they are at the age where they can handle it way better compared to Let’s say young children under the age of 10 where psychologically their world are there parents and so they blame everything on themselves and internalize as such and it affects their cognitive development. The only one who I could really see it do damage on the most is the one in college. College is really hard and I’m glad you’re considering this.

Do your children know y’all are having issues? How has it already affected them? Do you think they already know?

If you did decide to leave I’d recommend making sure the one in college enrolls in therapy & getting some family counseling as well to help them process. If divorce is healthier for you, then trying to get them to understand it’s more of a mental health decision than anything else etc. because I get the sense that either something is happening between you and your husband  that is unbearably toxic for you – maybe like his unwillingness to listen after breaking boundaries  or doing harmful things or, maybe you’re just quick to get one now because of the emotions you have and built up irritation from your recent break up?

Do you really need to get a divorce? Can you just leave it separation and still live there and date happily and do you? Or what’s the marriage stopping you from doing that you would do otherwise?

Either way finances is an issue whether you stay together or not, and this is a basic need that people need to have in place before they make any decision . And it will probably help you breathe better and clear your judgment once you secure a savings. So I’d say start practically. Create a plan & a savings. End your relationship, go into separation if you really want to see others. But you don’t have to move out just yet. You can just be actual roommates until you save. All my opinion. All your choice.

With the person you has an affair with. I noticed some red flags then again I’m only hearing your side of the story. For him wanting to hang but it being last minute I could understand how that would be difficult for both of you. As adults scheduling is hard. In my opinion I think he should have been more patient With you and tried to schedule things ahead of time. That is a reasonable boundary and adult thing to do. On the other side in his defense, if it were a situation where there wasn’t clear communication, any cat and mouse stuff going on, he felt frustrated about you still being with your partner- maybe he was stand offish because of that. Sometimes people don’t always communicate their frustrations but I like to ask myself “what are there unmet needs?”

When it comes to him constantly wanting to meet at hotels. I can see why that registered as a flag to you. You said you risked it because you thought he was long term material. So Id imagine you wanted to do things that would build to a long term relationship. Meeting at a hotel , I mean, did he just want sex? Did you ask him? I wouldn’t get too caught up in norms or old beliefs that sleeping with someone makes you a “slut” as you said or bad person. If that’s what you wanted to do then okay . If you wanted to do something else like go to dinner then suggest and communicate that.

But if he blocked you. Then the communication can’t happen and you can’t work it out. He may just be hurt about some things and will unblock you later. If he does come back and you still want it to work, ask him about why he did it. Tell him your true intentions. And see if your intentions match . Be clear about your boundaries what you’re willing to do, and why they matter to you. And then, if it’s a match it’s a match , but if not that’s okay. What did it all teach you?

Also have you tried marriage counseling ?

how old are your kids?

I would suggest just communicating your needs. If people like you back , they’d be happy to fulfill them.

Anita,

i think you are exactly on point.

Apple Tree,

just saw your question “how have you seen your answers to questions?”

I get answers by simply asking then releasing it and trusting the answers will come in due time or trusting the resources to research or delve deeper into new information will be delivered. When I look too hard for answers it’s harder to distinguish what’s real and what’s trauma lens. So I found trusting and releasing works.

i also re-read where you said the person you love doesn’t love you anymore or doesn’t feel same way bc he’s dated more people. Our situations are very similar. Me relating to the person you loved. He does still love you , people who love you enough to push you to grow don’t just stop loving you. But sometimes it’s easier to brush it off or bury it beneath surface in order to move on.

When we feel people so deeply, and are highly connected such as me and L or you and your person. Those intense emotions are hard to deal with bc we care so deeply for one another. It’s extremely painful to be in separation, it’s extremely painful to witness someone we love be at odds or struggling or not choosing what they desire. It’s extremely painful to find someone we feel a deep connection for and that we feel we are supposed to be with, not choose us back and it’s even more painful when we know they like us back and feel same but still don’t choose to take a leap. As it validates , “this is real , this is my soulmate and a blessing yet – they aren’t going along with the plan and I feel cheated.” That’s how I felt with L, and I was very resentful and hurt . So it’s not that he doesn’t love you. He just did what he had to do, being so sensitive and empathic , in order to move on.

we create intimacy . And we can recreate it with others . They may not be the ppl who initially sparked our flame. But as we heal our attachment trauma, we can find relatively descent partners.

Also, what do you mean by do the work for him? sorry I was half asleep when I responded.

I hear you. You are right, just because she doesn’t reach out doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.

How are you feeling? How’s the anxiety ?

cool!

Yes, L likes to be outside too. she really needs nature to feel grounded. She is very simple in that sense.  I personally can do without the woods/insects & weather challenges lol. But i respect her thing, and if she ever asked me I would join her for a hike. I always wanted to picnic on a mountain somewhere with her.

i personally don’t own a tv havent since high school. I know that’s weird. If i do like a movie it’s rare, or i watch the same ones over and over. i do like all of will smiths movies though. Lately i’ve watched some hulu, here and there, ill watch key & peele. I really like Bojack horesman and Rick & Morty. It’s good to just not be so serious and worrying and to laugh sometimes. I also enjoy doing stand up comedy, it’s been a minute but have been thinking about it a lot lately.

Yes, we are still connected. I don’t know how long it will last. I worry she will just forget me or move on or meet someone else. But i also trust i will meet my life partner even if it’s not her. I came to a realization i need people. Took years to admit that. It’s biological though, studies show since the beginning of mankind, people without healthy attachments are more likely to die sooner. I also realized it’s kind of relevant for me to have a partner with the type of work i do. I do a lot of energy work with people, i help people process often, i help people activate their own growth and healing. But who will do that with me? It’s very lonely at times. Having the insight i do, and doing the work i do that I don’t always feel it’s my choice. I feel the universe just brings certain people to my doorstep so to speak. but I feel I am supposed to have someone to come home to, who is home. Who we can both do that for eachother in a safe space. or just rest and nap together and rejuvenate and be present with one another.

I mean I dont know if L gets all the same signs, but i know they do get a lot of signs. was a relief to know…

My signs are really strong but i’ve always been this way. It takes a certain type of person to be able to handle what i encounter on a day to day basis..

typo

to a certain extent*