Apple Tree,

I am glad we can relate a little, I think this is helping me as well.

And thank you, I am hanging in there. My heart longs for them often, I still feel them, & sad that I can not just hold them. I am also very anxious. But that’s probably because I am dealing with some other heavy things in my family, lost a family member/parent figure who was very close to me.. I think it is also why I in some ways pushed them away, I was pulling for attention and comfort that partially they could have made an effort to do something, but the other part, they can’t resolve my internal issues of loss I am dealing with in my family. So its not fair to put that all on them.

Our communication was through social media, not texting. I sent my number but they wouldnt reach out. We never met in person, our work was online through skype. They kept communication to social media. It was alot more in the beginning but I think things got really emotional for them (me too), and they were trying to pull back to better manage their emotions. I think we took turns with struggling to manage the intense feelings and irritability from all the barriers in place making our connection difficult as well. Like them being in a committed relationship and living with their partner I think, and working together at a place where technically co-workers arent supposed to date. etc.

There was alot of built up frustration. And they were so distant I began to pull away. so with the recent incident in my family, and them not being present, and not being open, I just felt like it was all a game. so i sent them an email and let them know i was no longer going to be reaching out, but asked them to promise to reach out if they really cared.

Yes, finding self respect, not putting people on a pedestal, coping with anxiety is really hard. Mostly because I have an anxiety disorder that developed in my childhood from having parents who were unavailable. I also see how it affects my communication and attachment style and who i pursue.

Hi Apple Tree,

i have been dealing with a similar situation, but on the other side. I fell deeply in love with someone, i wasn’t looking, but we just had chemistry. They felt like home, long periods of staring in each other’s eyes. All the fairytale things you hear about on tv that I never knew to be possible. When I think of it it sometimes doesn’t make sense, given this society & all the things it teaches us psychologically about soulmates not existing or we have multiple (which is true). But my heart has been & will always be for this person, even when I finally move on. They are home. Even when they would push me away, I could look in their eyes & see myself. I have done similar things before so I can’t judge them.

they are in a longtime relationship and I believe this person let’s call them L, is afraid to leave their partner because they’ve been together for so long, they don’t trust themselves, & they feel guilt & shame. They are also pretty avoidant and anxious. I also haven’t been the best, I’ve been emotional & judgmental. I was a rock in the beginning but after waiting so long & them not reaching out i became emotional. I was hurt. I too have had relationships before, but never felt chosen or never let anyone close.

I took some time to reflect to figure out my true motives, heal my attachment style & work on my codependency. And I still felt like this person is right. Still do.

yet I don’t feel like they are trying. So I get frustrated and it makes me move on. I don’t know what they are going through emotionally & why it’s so hard for them to open up. I’ve been through a lot myself & kind of had to tough it through so I guess I’m not as sensitive as I could be because I’m jaded about them not opening up .

i love them deeply and just want to be there for them, love , comfort, hold , assure them. I want to build with them even if it means taking baby steps or starting from scratch. And I know it would be hard when they leave their partner if they do and they’d need space – but with communication I can be present and loving , I just need assurance to.

and have I talked to other people? Yes, but no one is clicking like with this person. I know the chemistry -it won’t last forever if we don’t continue or try. But I have hope.

I stay this to give you the other side the other perspective . If you lone this person & they feel like home that is no mistake . We don’t have control over who we love. And when we get older & grow things change & that’s okay. You gotta choose you. And things feel pressing because they are. Don’t let your desires go unattended. Reach out and atleast tell this person how you feel, your concerns , tell them the truth even if it’s vulnerable. And regardless to them wanting to be together or not you would have done a good thing. Spoken up for yourself , choosing yourself .

You do more harm staying With your boyfriend than not because you no longer have feelings for him. Why try to build more and raise a family on unstable land . We need to stop staying with people out of guilt and choose ourselves. So when we do have kids and a family we raise them with true love, and we can stop raising kids in broken homes who need trauma therapy because the denial their parents live in.

again even if it doesn’t work out or it’s too late with the guy you call home. Tell him truly how you feel. And it will let off a huge load.

keep your head up ❤️

Anita,

sending appreciation to you and your helpful posting. Lindsay, you are in good hands. I wish i had known about this forum a while back.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Hello Linds,

Don’t know how i find certain things but, I guess synchronicity works like this.

I came across this thread, & I am actually dealing with a similar situation to you Lindsey. Thought I’d share my point of view before I log off..

I too was in a very long relationship with an emotionally abusive & manipulative ex. I didn’t have kids, but he was able to manipulate me when I was more vulnerable mood wise.. It was also messy because of family & their lack of boundaries.

After enduring a situation like this for so long, not having our needs met for so long.. we just really need to know someone cares. We also really need love, emotional & physical fulfillment. However, that’s complicated then if we havent fully healed from years of emotional abuse. So complex trauma, trust issues, not trusting self etc.

I also had a thing with a co-worker that i felt extremely guilty about. I was lonely. We’re human, so self compassion helped me get over that. Men hit on women daily in the workspace, you think they care? nope that’s like a normal thing for them. Its us women who are really harsh on ourselves. You don’t owe anyone anything.

I had a few dating options right after, most wanted sex or were just as manipulative, fake , had hidden intentions. And one person who I talked with on facebook, who was really sweet, and always present and really got me and saw me, but I didnt give this one any attention because they were actually healthy.. lol, probably really long term relationship material. They were the only one who listened, compromised, cared, was patient, but i couldn’t see any of that because i was in my trauma.

So, what im really wanting to say to you is.

Trust yourself. In everything. You are both wanting to rendezvous with K, while you also are aware that K’s behavior is a bit avoidant. Can you accept this for what it is. Like not putting all your eggs in one basket? Not expecting anything he hasn’t committed to or shown you?

Also setting boundaries & standards. The tricky part here is, without healing from the past relationship. And getting into a new one so soon. we risk making the same mistakes. Letting people get away with things here and there without really letting people know its unacceptable. then we give months, years to another person who hurts us because of our unrealistic expectations.

Again we have needs and so, if sex is one of them, K is that guy. But otherwise, do you really want to give energy trying to change someone or do you want to invest time into someone who actually has done the self development work to meet you where you are at?

Is there anyone else in your life right now, who may seem boring yes, but is consistent? Listens, compromises, cares & wants to invest in you , without any question? I would say if you do, invest in this person. You need to develop healthier attachments in order to heal the pain from your previous relationship.

Stay lift-ed, & therapy would be helpful too 🙂

Best of luck.

When you said you don’t have much education but an associates and bachelors.. I was a little thrown off. You have a great education. I am already seeing that you would benefit from working on having some self compassion & confidence.

None of us can tell you if your mother is narcissistic based on this description.

But I do want to validate you and your feelings. This is tough.

When we are children, psychologically & biologically we rely on our parents completely, they are our world. So when our parents aren’t able to provide us with the proper support, we naturally adapt to normalize the situation & validate it as “this is normal,” “what can I do to help my parents because they are my world.”

Basically, we step in to make sure our parents are happy, so that they can take care of us. Its another form of survival. Even if that means acting as caretakers for our parents. This creates enmeshed boundaries, that unfortunately many people have to work through and on, to correct throughout our adulthoods.

Honestly, I can tell you to put you & your needs first all day. But no one knows the truth but you. Your feelings are a guide.

When you work on self compassion, confidence, and self love. You will slowly start to receive answers about what it is you need to do for you, in order to have more peace in your life. Lean into that.

It’s like when people say, on a crashing plane, we have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first.

I’d recommend doing something for you. Something you love, thats just for you. that no one can interrupt. For me, its hiking and meditation by the beach, i leave my phone behind, and i go off by myself with no interruptions.

The important peace here is 1) finding something you can do just for you, and 2) making a small change in your daily routine. which will bring about more small changes.

Any of her videos :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MF9-nqLou0o&list=PLGmv5uiIj6PCQaLgURqKjy-GtUNl8YhrI&index=24