Inky, that’s funny. My “rule” for my bachelor father is that he is not allowed to date anyone younger than me. Something just feels a bit “icky” about it. But I agree with the consensus here – as long as everyone is a consenting adult, have fun 🙂

I’ve heard a formula, which is kind of silly but if you’re looking for a general guideline, it seems to hold up. As for the youngest you should date, divide your age in half and add seven years.

I am 35, so I shouldn’t date anyone younger than 35/2 = 17.5 + 7 = 24.5.

If your love interest is older, do the math on their age to see if you make the cut.

That said, all individuals and relationships are different, though I personally have a hard time understanding what a 45 year old would have in common with a 23 year old and vice versa (for example), no matter how youthful the older partner looks or acts. There’s just a whole lot of life experience the younger person hasn’t been exposed to that would make things tricky, imo.

I’m with the crowd here. Move on from them both. Pete and Shane are not your only two choices – you do not need to commit to the lesser of two evils. As Inky pointed out, if either of these two guys was “the one”, you wouldn’t be distracted by the other. Once you meet the right one, you won’t have such questions or doubts. Think of the possibilities of meeting a guy who makes your toes curl like Shane AND who is a loving companion like Pete (but with the bonus of not leaving you when times are tough). Doesn’t that sound exciting? Don’t settle for less.

Being a woman, I guess you don’t want my opinion so I’ll keep it to myself, but why do you care?

Spin, I’m sorry. It appears I offended you, which was not my intent. Don’t blame yourself for explaining it poorly. As I mentioned earlier, I tend to be conservative in my approach to relationships. I didn’t mean to imply there was anything “seedy” about the kiss, but I do believe that at times people have unclear boundaries. I prefer to avoid situations where there might be anything misleading or that could cause hurt feelings or mistrust if others (such as his wife) would witness it. Also, I appreciate that peoples’ definitions of “plutonic” vary and each unique relationship has a unique “feel” to it. I may be projecting somewhat, as I have had situations where I assumed plutonic relationships only to find out the guys were harboring romantic/lusty desires. Do your female friends ask for kisses at the gym, for instance? Would you find it strange if they did, or is it just another friendly kiss? Would you feel uncomfortable if this same friend asked for his kiss in front of his wife? Would she be unhappy? Just things to think about.

These are rhetorical questions. I certainly didn’t mean to scare you off from posting further and apologize if I’ve misconstrued anything. I’ve personally witnessed a lack of propriety in situations where I think people unknowingly set themselves up for trouble if they’re not sensitive to slippery slopes…. as for my comments about validation, again I am sorry because it appears to have rubbed you the wrong way. It just seems like there is a lot of attention at the gym regarding you, the trainer, people observing it, commenting on it, etc. as an underlying theme in your posts so I wondered if perhaps you found it all a bit exciting, for lack of a better word. Thank you for clarifying, and again I hope that you won’t stop posting simply because I didn’t understand.

SpinBunny,
You say “I should point out that he has never gone beyond the boundaries of friendship and probably doesn’t really know how I feel about him. I think I have become swept away with the chemistry and fantasy but I have seen an ugly side so I don’t have him up on a pedestal.” Just curious, what is this “ugly side” of him you refer to? Do you mean the fact he has (in my opinion) crossed some boundaries in your professional relationship? Or is there something more?

I personally tend to be a bit more on the conservative side when it comes to these types of relationships, but it would seem to me that things have crossed beyond professional “friendship” (you are a client and you are paying him for his services, I don’t really see that as friendship). The fact that others have picked up on this and his comment that you have some sort of worldly connection to me is inappropriate. Why are you texting each other anyway? Doesn’t the gym have a business phone number you can call to make appointments? The fact that you text and he’s “thinking of you” already hints to me that this is more than a professional relationship and it would cause me to have similiar thoughts as you are.

That said, I completely agree with Emma and yogabunny that his relationship is HIS to manage. I have a strong aversion to the term “homewrecker” because it places the blame for a relationship breakdown on an outside person who has made no commitment to honor. Sure, it may be morally murky territory to enter a relationship with someone who was involved with another (hypothetically, I know you stated you are not looking to do that), but the heart wants what the heart wants. If he’s interested, he should man up and end things with his girlfriend respectfully. Otherwise, maybe he’s just a big flirt? Either way, I would proceed with caution.

If you’re truly looking to get over this but don’t want to give up his PT services, start setting more clear boundaries. Stop texting, limit conversations of a personal nature (if you’re working out hard enough how do you even have time to talk?), don’t linger after appointments, stop socializing with him. A simple “Thanks, see you next time!” and out the door. I think more than anything though, be honest with yourself regarding what you want. You’re not an evil person if you want this man. Don’t torture yourself either way.

Hi Sophie,
I am sorry for your pain. Your situation sure sounds troubling. When he moved with you to a different state, was this the first time you’ve lived together? Do you think it’s possible he’s having a hard time adjusting to moving away from his familiar life, plus the growing pains of moving in together (if this is the first time)? It seems odd that he would ask your parents for permission to propose and then within a month of that, he’s showing signs of cold feet. However, maybe the blow of the “break up” really shook him and hurt him more than you might think. How did the proposal come about? Was it something you’ve been discussing together or did he surprise you? Do you think he felt pressured in any way to propose? Sorry for the 20 questions but it’s hard for me to offer any advice without understanding a bit more. Others on the board may have thoughts for you right off the bat.

If it were me, I would probably give it a bit of time – it sounds like there’s been a lot of change in the past month or so and maybe you just need to allow things to settle. I agree that after two years together, you would likely know if this is a person you want to marry, but if the “break up” was the first time you’ve had a serious disagreement (I’m basing this on the fact you said the two years prior were wonderful) it might take time to heal from that. I think a certain amount of level setting/reconsidering the marriage plans is healthy given the circumstances. Then again, I can empathize with your position that you know what you want and don’t feel like you should have to wait. As for the graduation, I would still plan to attend unless you’re prepared to make a really strong statement to not only him but his family.