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XenopusTexParticipantSchipp: Those are three good questions. I wish I was better at time management. Lately have been spending time in a state of shell-shock trying to address things. The overlaying of multiple court scheduling systems on each other has resulted in chaos. Amusingly, even though I’m not at home much, there’s chaos there too. Basically everywhere I look it’s chaos. Kind of feel like the crew of the Bismarck when a good chunk of the British Navy was attacking it, or King Kong swatting at bi-planes (minus the screaming damsel in distress thankfully). Spend a ton of time trying to put out fires, and not so much on getting practical stuff done.
I would like to think that I would make time for her.
Larger scale weddings which require planning are, in my opinion, largely a waste of time and resources. There’s a “Staff (or stave depending on who you ask) Church” in a town about ~120 miles from here that I think was imported from Scandinavia. People out here frequently want to get married in the thing. My question is: what exactly does driving 120 miles to have various people say various words give you long-term that having those same people say the same words locally? The marriage ceremony is about creating legal fictions and establishing a package of legal rights; you could basically do the same thing with a written contract.
As far as children go, kind of a question of timing.
Bah, couldn’t get to sleep, now can’t keep eyes open. Will try to finish later.
XenopusTexParticipantAnita, I am not sure who is waiting for me. Of course, given that my locale has the highest levels of STD’s in the state, it may be a question of what’s waiting for me 😛
Been really crabby/pessimistic lately after watching the U.S. decide to self-immolate, and seeing the rule of “mob” supplant the rule of law at times. That, and the fact that I’ve been catching hell for things that I should not be catching hell for. Perhaps it is a good thing that I haven’t had much social contact this week.
Ideally, I’d hope that it would be someone who: is intelligent; has common-sense; is independent; is at least reasonably attractive; is educated; etc.
Singh, for a long time, I associated my job with myself. Now, I’ve been at that so long, it’s hard to change. And, at 39, feels like a challenge to find women who aren’t attached, who have some degree of common-sense, or who don’t keep repeating issues. I.E.: when your boyfriend and soon-to-be fiance with whom you bought a house with is utterly terrified to travel to Scandinavia to meet your financially well-off parents (and not flight anxiety), shouldn’t that raise some red flags?? And, when you kind of get the, um, er, um response from family shouldn’t that also raise some red flags?
For a while I tried to dedicate time to introspection, somehow that got swallowed up. The month of December is utterly horrifying on the calendar, so kind of doubt that there will be much relief there.
Sometime this weekend, need to find time to go out the range and practice. I used to find that interesting, and in a strange way, relaxing… now it seems almost like a hassle. Some of the law enforcement folks wanted me to come out and shoot their qualifying course this coming Wednesday. Now, to not look like a complete schmuck, going to have to go out and practice some (only gotten one short round of handgun practice in for the last year). Guy I’m supposed to be going shooting with scored 290 / 300 on the course for this year’s qualifying, not sure if the guy who scored 300 / 300 is coming too.
Personal time is a strange thing to me. I nearly always have a cellphone with me, with my work phone synched with our email system, and I’m the #1 person to call when the fecal matter impacts the rotating air circulation device. I think I should start a list of the states and Canadian provinces that I’ve been called/texted in when supposedly “on vacation.” The last enjoyable “vacation” I had was a long weekend in Regina, SK where I said to hell with the phone and left it behind, and decided to just experience things.
Part of the problem is that I don’t really enjoy much anymore apart from certain types of music, and I’m too cheap to buy a really good audio outfit.
Not even sure what my hobbies are anymore. Look at doing stuff and just kind of think *meh*.
XenopusTexParticipantPeople have this belief that everything can be fixed. Doctors and medical equipment dealers cater to it with life-support machines. Clergy of various stripes cater to it by claiming that their particular dogma will fix, save, etc..
There’s a saying: It’s all over but the crying.
Unfortunately, some things simply can’t be fixed.
You can’t “make” somebody love you. Love is a personal choice that an individual makes. Trust me, there were times when I truly loved someone and it wasn’t reciprocated, and it really hurt.
You can change your approach to things, but ultimately, it’s up to the other person to believe or not believe. To love or not to love.
My thought is that both parties are experiencing depression because each of you are looking back over the years at experiences, etc. and missing what was. There are also the children, which are a complicating factor.
Based on what has been presented, it appears that the marriage is basically dead with whatever outward displays being the relationship equivalent of say the autonomic nervous system’s final death twitches.
XenopusTexParticipantPeople romanticize the past. Ever seen a place again that you haven’t been to in a long time? That “cozy” little studio apartment in the “historic” building on the “active” side of town turns into a cramped room in a partially collapsed building on the wrong side of the tracks when you get a chance to revisit it.
People hate to admit that they made mistakes. I couldn’t possibly have devoted “X” number of years to this steaming pile of feces in a vaguely humanoid shape, there has to be some redeeming quality there somewhere…
People think they can “fix” others. Well, you can, but it usually requires surgery or a “nut cracker” or Bob Barker [remember to spay and neuter] with some hedge clippers:) But, that’s another type of “fixing” I guess.
People think they did “something.” Well, unless you’re a Stygian Hag, Grendel’s maternal unit, or a gorgon, it’s probably not something you did. If you are one of those things, the chances are pretty good that your significant other is not around to complain about it.
People are afraid of losing what they have. They fear losing what they have more than they anticipate gaining something new.
People think they “need” something.
People have crappy self-confidence at times. Part of the thing that abusive people do is work on trying to destroy the self-confidence of their victims.
Question: Is getting beat to hell (assuming that’s the physical problem) worth whatever “benefit” you get out of the relationship?
Next question: Can you get that benefit elsewhere without getting beat to hell?
Final question: Why aren’t you doing this already?
There are lots of guys out there who don’t believe in beating the hell out of or emotionally abusing their significant others. There are lots of guys who believe in treating women with respect. My suggestion is to find one of these guys, and leave this particular male biped to his own devices.
Sorry for the somewhat snarky tone, I have no time or respect for men who abuse women.
November 16, 2016 at 9:19 pm in reply to: Need Urgent Advice!! breakup before booked holiday! #120535XenopusTexParticipantIn the immortal words and wisdom of Monty Python’s Flying Circus… Run away, run away (in response to the vorpal bunny). Don’t be like Sir Bors 🙂
First big problem sign: drug use. Maybe I’m exceptionally jaded due to my line of work, but you’d be amazed at how many women come into our office and say “he’s such a great guy when he’s not drunk, high, stoned, etc. …”. My advice is to not go there with persons who have a history of drug use.
Second big problem sign: off-and-on fighting. No relationship is perfect, but it seems like this is in the slow flat-spin of death.
Third big problem sign: you are afraid of a fight breaking out between you two at your parent’s place. Unless your family is a collection of utter misfits, this could be a serious issues.
XenopusTexParticipantLeanne: You can’t be everybody’s favorite person. No matter what you do, somebody won’t like you. Sometimes lots of people don’t like you. Sometimes people really don’t like you and try to vandalize your stuff or hurt you. Would you want to be a mugger’s “favorite person”?
I struggle with rejection at times too, but keep trying to remember something an acquaintance who was in sales told me: Some Will, Some Won’t, So What, Someone’s Waiting.
I also struggle with negativity (though, sometimes, things really do just s**k). Not many folks “light up” to see me. The last woman who did, I wound up apparently not having enough time for. That hurt at a level I have not felt before. I understand your pain. I’m more likely to be frowned at, yelled at, or threatened (what my collection of non-hunting firearms are for) than I am to be smiled at.
Really didn’t know how to react when somebody thought I was great, and boy did it cost me. Unfortunately, can’t go back and fix the matter. Don’t fall into the trap of negativity to the point where you may not recognize something positive.
XenopusTexParticipantShipp, I guess I need to go back and revisit priorities/values. Also have had a massive blast of negativity which not only makes me unpleasant to be around, but also makes me slower.
XenopusTexParticipantUnless you want to be stuck with the lease, co-signing it may be a bad idea.
Hmmm, making “decent money” yet living in the soon-to-be inlaw’s basement? I’d apply the airliner oxygen mask line to the situation: help yourself before helping others.
XenopusTexParticipantBeen sick for a bit, feeling better, so taking the time to respond. Listening to an organ transcription of the soundtrack to Conan the Barbarian, so things can’t be all that bad yet 🙂 Fantastic use of parts of the old Gregorian Chant Dies Irae; nothing musically says we’re here to kick your a** quite like hellfire and brimstone 🙂 Though, it does lose something to Verdi’s Requiem, particularly the 2013 BBC proms edition… the choir size is simply epic.
Rock: I’m not saying one candidate is better or worse than the other. I find both to be bad choices, but each for very different reasons. In my opinion, both candidates are so bad that it might be time to appoint the person next in line after the current pres and VP to a one-year term and do the elections next year when both parties can present worthy candidates. That was one of the reasons I wasn’t going to get political, that and the fact that this probably isn’t the place for that stuff anyway. Regardless of who “wins” the election, I am thinking that there is probably going to be a great deal of internal civil unrest, not to mention issues from outside.
You are right about the things that I can and cannot control. Just pains me to see the changes in the country. When somebody thinks of the Northern Plains, assuming that they think of them at all, I bet they don’t think drive-by’s. That’s a Chicago, LA, Bakersfield, Cleveland, Detroit problem… right?
I have actually considered keeping a 1911 and spare magazines along with my IWI Tavor and spare magazines in the car, and join the rest of my compatriots who bring assorted weaponry with them wherever they go.
As far as the craziness in the rest of the world, if there was an all-out exchange while I live out here, there wouldn’t be much to worry about. The place would be slagged along with most of the rest of the state, and most of the neighboring states.
XenopusTexParticipantTrev, would love to see a picture of your Bentley Continental GT(S) twin-turbo W-12 from the get-rich-quick scheme you linked to, which seems to promise such results. Surprised that they just didn’t go all out and show a picture of a Rolls or Maybauch out front of ye olde mansion.
Yes, curiosity got the better of me, so I trusted in my AV/Firewall to take a look at what particular brand of snake oil was being peddled. Reminds me of those slick glossy paper brochures selling “prime” land in Florida that turned out to be in the Everglades…
Mefisto: Early in career jobs can, well, ****. After getting a Bachelor’s and Master’s in the biosciences and a Juris Doctor with Honors degree in law, I wound up selling jewelry while looking for a job in the legal field. Was 31 when I found my first job in the legal field.
I was really depressed too. Went through the full gamut of SSRI anti-depression medications, and saw things on them that would be inspirational to Jefferson Airplane(Starship). The depression wound up impacting my performance in applications, etc. It kind of became a self-fulfilling prophecy. To be brutally honest, it ****ed. I was focusing on things such as time out of school, the “tier” of my law school, etc. The more I focused on how much I hated the situation, the worse things and performance became. You know it’s bad when you misspell your own name on an application.
During that period of time, I probably helped to keep the US Postal service in business, and probably was single-handedly responsible for the deforestation of vast tracks of pulpwood plantations. Feel your pain about the application process.
Ultimately, I decided to look at places where the employers couldn’t afford to be so picky. Where people didn’t care if you graduated from Harvard or Podunk U. People weren’t beating the doors down to come out to “The Middle of Nowhere”(tm) on the Northern Plains. I had never even been to this part of the U.S. before. Suddenly, I saw a wealth of opportunity in places like the Dakotas, Montana, and Wyoming (okay, not quite the Northern Plains). When I mentioned it to some classmates I knew, I got shocked expressions back.
Applied for a job out in what is colloquially known as BFE, and flew from Florida for the interview. The classmates I knew thought I was nuts, the people where I had been working thought I was nuts, even people I ran into out here thought I was nuts for moving from Florida to the land of -30F and below winters. Guess what? It worked.
I don’t know if you are in the US or elsewhere. What I do know is that sometimes, when things don’t seem to be going the way you want them to, you need to look for opportunities where others don’t. If you are in the US, I would strongly suggest looking at the Dakotas, Montana, Wyoming. Even with the lower oil prices there is still economic activity out here, and there are still jobs of all sorts. Heck, even the local newspaper out here has been looking to fill various staff positions for the last year-and-a-half.
XenopusTexParticipantAnita, your experience sounds a lot like what people experience out here. If they are prepared it’s a totally different experience from being unprepared. We just don’t have the wandering bands of pick-pockets… yet 😉
In all seriousness, preparation is important. People moved out here in the last decade to “better themselves,” move away from other situations, for opportunities, etc. At lot of them wound up leaving after a short time simply because they weren’t prepared for the change. Things are different when you pass “nowhere” to get to your destination; people didn’t realize that (closest city of more than 50,000 people is ~240 miles away). People came out here from all over with dollar signs in their eyes. They came with no place to stay, no plan, and no preparation (read that potential corpsicle come winter). It did not end well for many of them.
Anita is right, you need to prepare if you are looking at moving. Moving to get away from anxiety won’t work. I have lived in Florida, North Dakota, Ohio, and Virginia; my anxiety didn’t magically stop when I crossed the border from West Virginia to Ohio, or any other border.
Like you, I’m not terribly adept at the social scene. Unless you live in a place like Amidon, ND (population of 26 clannish souls), moving is probably not the answer. I would suggest making yourself go places and meet people. Have found that I have had to do the same myself.
XenopusTexParticipantMaking a list of things you are grateful for is probably a good idea. Unfortunately, my little piece of the world has had an uptick in crime and violence. Things that used to be problems for big cities on the coasts are showing up out here. In other parts of my state, things have reached some level of insanity that was utterly incomprehensible just a few years ago. Now I understand why some folks in my position own a light set of body armour and keep an AR-15 or equivalent in the vehicles along with a pistol on their persons. Yeesh.
More globally, it appears that the stupid continues to flow out of all sides. Just hope that something really stupid doesn’t happen. The posturing though is just absolutely stupid.
XenopusTexParticipantShipp: sorry for the delayed response (appellate work was calling). That is the theory. Right now, some flak from folks about which cases I have, etc.
XenopusTexParticipantMy apologies all. Wasn’t intending to ignore. Spent last few days in jury trial. 14ish hour days. Successful, but long, long days, and still wired from the caffeine 😉 When I finally do “crash” it will be ugly.
Shipp, I had thought about private practice. After having done public sector stuff for ~8 years, not sure how well private practice would work for me; don’t do well with the detailed time keeping thing for example. Supposedly, I will be moving to pretty much a docket of complex cases, charging decisions, and appellate work. I work best putting complex stuff together and not handling hordes of things; tend to feel overwhelmed by stacks of multiple different files than same-sized stacks of just one or two files.
Peppermint, back when I lived across the alley from the courthouse, I would periodically forget my phone at the office. Would sometimes wind up with law enforcement knocking on doors/windows/etc. to get in touch. I have done the let’s do it later bit on some requests. Most of the time I get called though, it’s a needs to happen now thing. We just need to get other people who can answer the question that is on fire 🙂
XenopusTexParticipantPeppermint: Didn’t wind up going. Wound up doing paperwork at the office on a call, at least it saved me from the moving … I got out of there before they started working with the piano 🙂 Not sure if next weekend will work or not. I am torn… I enjoy going out in the field, but feel obligated to get things done at work. Especially when folks go into panic mode when they can’t get in touch with me. Of course, season isn’t year round, and there aren’t always decent enough days to go out, or there aren’t always people to go with.
Spent a lot on outdoors type stuff this year, and haven’t found the time to get much use out of it. The office always seems to call.
The other guy winds up not doing a lot of stuff. We’ve had issues with things piling up and not getting done. Now that we have a newer person in the office, the new guy is getting dumped on quite a bit.
Kath: you asked what I wanted out of life. I have been thinking. Professionally, I would like to be respected and valued in my field; something that I probably have issues getting to due to my hard-line nature and general disdain for certain parts of the profession. Relationship wise, I would like to get married, and possibly have a child (assuming the world hasn’t found a way to immolate itself by then).
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