Ok you will have to bare with me as I am still dealing with a broken heart.Long story but the first guy I lost my virginity too in October walked off whilst going down on me becasue he couldnt make me cum he said ” finished” and walked off .I was very angry hurt and confused and its going to take a while for sex itself to feel ok with me again;thats why its so important to me especially now.The foreplay I dont mind but sex with him was very uncomfortable no connection and over all it was just a very horrible experience. I am still sad but dealing day by day with it and cut all ties with him he was still writing and not knowing what he wanted so got angry and shouted at me when I expressed my confusion and pain.Over all it was a horrible situation and he was suppose ti be a friend after 8 years. I did blame myself I was really uncomfortable and confused i didnt feel good around him but like I wasnt even there .He even asked me if I could finish myself off when fingering and when i asked him if he could go down on me he did then said ” finished” and wamked off and spent like 20 mins in the shower ages he must have been jerking off.I made him cum in my mouth and he did during sex on my stomache and cleaned it up.In all honesty I wouldnt have cared if he couldnt make me cum or orgasm ,I would have been happy just to be with him I liked him so much ans this was a friend I spoke to online for 8 years .After i spoke baout it so much he just kept getting angry and saying stuff like ” its tiring talking about this again and again ” and when i first bought it up how much is effected me and upset me he said ” I think you should talk to a female as I really cant relate” the worst bit is I asked him twice to ut a condome on the first time was before whene we were kissing i asked if he had acondome he said yes but then got on with it if you get me and i panicked and asked again whilst he was in me he said ” arent you on the pill” i was but low oestrogen and there for panicked that may make me more prone to being pregnant which mater i foundb ut could have! luckily I tool morning after pill next day but was very sick all week and emotionally very distarught,its kinda like mild rape i asked him after when i gt back to mines ” didnt you pack any” he said ” yes but i woulc have had to search for them ” I have to remember this for the rest of my life really caring for someone who never showed me the affection of respect i needed nor would ever listen to my needs.He suffers from terrible depression ,social anxiety and bad anger due to past stuff he refuses to talk about.I suffer very mild depression and told hil he can talk to my therapist and he wouldnt.I tried so hard to help him , in the end he never helped me nor understood what he did and how he treated me effected my confidence in sex .He regretted all his relationships and his ex was an alcholic they wwere together five years he said “she use to self medicate” now i know why on top of her own stuff!!I locked myself in my room and comfort eat for a week but had to snap out of it but happened a few times. i JUST WANT to forget about it but keep getting flash backs its hard and a i worry when we dont talk something very bad has happened to him in the end last week he wrote after amonth f my angry email being sent ” i am fine i cant talk to you further i have my own things to worry about” never once listening understanding or acknowledging how hard its been for me.I cared so much about him !!!!I really am struggling and feel so sad despite his bad behaviour,i feel i let him down and failed myself also!!xxx hope i didnt embarsse u with some details!!! he now refuses to talk to me after i wanted to try sort it all out and after i worried something bad happened to him and was concerned i sent messages worrying that he did something bad he replied like 3 weeks ago or so “I am fine I cant talk to you further i have my own things to worry about” i feel so devalued and so so low u wouldnt believe.

i want to work on being friends again but he refuses to talk now

he is so fead up of me getting upset over what happened and doesnt know or understand why

i saw moments where he was spaced out

he is not in a good place im nt angry now i was for a very long time just concerned its not fare on me but i dont like seeing someone suffer like that yet i tried EVERYTHING to help hmi he wont help himself!!!

i suffer from very mild depression in comparrison

but things can trigger it off

it was a toxic relationship and i couldnt understand how a “friend ” for so long can be that cruel but i dont think he even realises what he says and does hurts others

often when we push people away is when we need people the most

i offered my support he wont accept it

he cant help me if he cant take care of himself

i told him he needs to learn to forgive the people who upset him and try love himself

i do also need to try love myself and not be so hard on lyself and realised my pattern of choosing the wrong men is for a reason

they are all emotionally unavailavle in some way

my father is

hes always struggled

and i didnt have him around as a teen….

I feel very very lonely and the one person I thought who was suppose to be one my good friends has hurt me so much i dont think I will get over this.I worry so much about him and he never once considered how I felt ever.

Hello Tiny Buddha members,

I have to say I always appreciate your advice and honestly on your responses. This is definitely a wonderful community.
I apologize, being I know there are a ton of relationship questions, and just can’t seem to wrap my head around my situation. Did I sabotage this relationship with my anxiety and misunderstanding, did I push too hard, do some people honestly not commit or do they when they find the one?

I met a wonderful person 3 years ago. We hit it off right away with great conversation, respect, attraction. I was 35 and he was 33. After almost a year of a great relationship, he moved into my house. Prior to this, we talked that this was the step before getting married. He was a fun, spur of the moment kind of guy, but with this, not the most responsible or “future” planner. Numerous months into the living situation, I asked about the possibility of marriage/future. We ended up booking a place to get married, being we realized they were filling up so fast. We shopped for rings, he asked my Dad for permission, but at the same time, he seemed to be pulling away. This caused me anxiety and nervousness, being I didn’t understand what was going on. With this I became aggressive (don’t understand why) and confused. I didn’t act from my heart and became scared. I freaked out one night and he said that we should talk and wanted to slow things down. I said okay, but didn’t understand. This seemed to change our dynamic. We both pulled away from one another and broke up one night after a fight and he moved out.

This broke me and I was an emotional mess. I, along with my family and friends, didn’t see a breakup coming. I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t eat/sleep, couldn’t think straight. I had loved and wanted to marry this person. Then my ex did some not-so-nice things, such as talk bad to our friends, sent the wedding refund check to my house addressed to him, showed pics of him and my friends out on FB, and started seeing someone else. After a month or so, a friend set me up with someone as well, and I wasn’t ready, but starting dating, with my mind on my ex. Then two months later, my ex reaches out and wants to try it again, which completely confused me, but I was excited and nervous. I thought I should give it a try, and it started out great. I bring him back into my world, family, friends, travel. As I am around his friends, I notice that some don’t talk to me, and it’s awkward around his parents. I was used to getting along so well with his friends and family, so this was really hard for me. We did great for about 6 months, and then I asked him again about our future, being I am now 37, want children/marriage and also want to know his intentions, being it seemed like just “having fun” was his. He then tells me that he doesn’t know and wants to wait and see. He wants to see if I’ll freak out again and how we get along. So, he mentions seeing a couples counselor, which I think is a good idea. But I am not feeling commitment from him. This is all so difficult, being I was nervous he would just break up with me again and don’t feel “safe.” I don’t know if it’s all in head or in my heart as well. I feel that things are wrong and perhaps have a hard time forgiving him for the past breakup. At this time, I feel depressed and feel like my self esteem is not well, but we are spending a ton of time together, planning future trips, etc.

Then around the time we were supposed to get married (9 months in the 2nd time), this date sticks in my mind and brings up old hurt, but when I try to talk to him, he doesn’t communicate anything solid. Then the night of our mutual friend’s wedding, he seems distant and is talking to an old ex up at the bar (late night after the wedding). Instead of being classy and going up to talk to him, I get jealous and feel threatened, so go up and yell at him and go walk back to the hotel by myself. He doesn’t come back for another hour and the next day, my anxiety gets the best of me, and I ask him what are we doing, what is going on, called him an a**hole and just ruptured. I felt horrible about myself and what I did. The next day, we talk and basically says he doesn’t know about the marriage, he doesn’t like it when I get frustrated, and because we don’t have a lot of time to figure things out, he thinks we should be done. I didn’t try to stop it and felt a bit of relief just to know something. I look back and have so much guilt for the way I acted. I was given a second chance, and I blew it, letting my thoughts, anxiety and the unknown get the best of me. I didn’t feel like myself. I can’t help but think I threw away a wonderful future with someone being I needed to “know,” felt unsafe, felt insecure. This was 7 months ago, and I just can’t get over the shame, embarrassment, and low feelings of myself. I am 38 and pushed away a great guy. We had tons of mutual friends and my family loved him. I just don’t understand why I acted the way I did if I loved him. He is now enjoying his life. At first he was texting me a lot and then said he didn’t know if he made the right decision, but then in another phone call, he told me how busy he was dating. All this hurts, so I asked for no contact and I am talking time to get “better” and wonder if I should even ever be in a relationship. I am doing metta mediation and seeing a counselor, but still find myself so broken.

• This topic was modified 10 years ago by lightsource.

Before I start, I want to say how useful Tiny Buddha has been as a resource. I’ve discovered a lot of things that never would have crossed my mind before visiting this website. I just want to preface this with some of the anxiety/guilt I feel for using these forums to cope. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety and the resulting loneliness and depression for years now, I know using an online community isn’t the solution to my issues. I hope it can become a starting point to get me on the right path.

I’d like to tell my story. Forewarning… it’s going to be wordy!

Summary: Struggled with social anxiety most of my life. Having a hard time letting go/not dwelling on the regrets of what I’ve missed out on or the mistakes I made.

I recall my social anxiety starting around ages 9-10. I grew out of wetting the bed at a much later age, around age 11-13 if I remember correctly. Wetting the bed kept me away from going on school camp trips, it caused me to face ridicule for having to wear pullups at someone else’s house but even at my own home. My thoughts were consumed by the embarrassment of peeing myself and that kept me from participating in events I would have enjoyed.

On top of wetting the bed, I was always a little overweight as a kid up until my teenage years. I don’t remember being specifically made fun of, but I do remember being uncomfortable with how I looked. Adding to all this, I was the younger brother in the family so I took the bullying from my brother and his friends. Given the other issues I had to confront I think bullying just added to the feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment.

So what happened as I grew older? I was already naturally shy and introverted. It just got worse. I closed myself off. I lost friends from elementary school to middle school; some by circumstances, others by my inability to develop deep friendships. I spent middle school hanging out with anyone I could, even if they didn’t match who I was or what my values were. That’s when I started to feel what it meant to be lonely. I started HS a shy, insecure kid without any deep friendships. Yet, I had lots of opportunities to turn the corner. I played on the HS soccer team and started to develop confidence through sports. Teachers in 8th grade suggested I take Honors/AP classes in HS, but I declined. I still was lacking deep friendships. By my sophomore year, I was playing soccer and golf. I recall sophomore year being a happy year for me. I still lacked friendships and didn’t fill my life with a lot of meaningful things outside of sports.

Things took a turn for the worse after sophomore year. I found solace in video games and pornography. They filled the void of not having real friendships or relationships. But they worsened my anxiety, depression, and loneliness. I gave up the things that I worked at before like sports and school. I went from turning a corner in soccer sophomore year to basically quitting junior year. I held on to golf but didn’t put anything into the game and played mostly in fear of embarrassment and not being good enough. I avoided hanging out with the friends I did have, I didn’t even attempt or consider going to balls or proms. I graduated HS with no ambitions and grades that got progressively worse each year of high school. Fortunately, I still hung on to some hope. Despite the passing thoughts of ending my life, I carried on to junior college still consumed by anxiety and loneliness.

I let college consume me, partly to give myself a distraction from my lacking social life. I succeeded in that aspect as I completed junior college and transferred to a good university after 2 years. Yet I let opportunities pass for friendships and achievements. I was invited to participate in a research conference to present a project I did in junior college, but declined. I made some friends in my classes, but that was the extent. I didn’t try to develop those friendships.

After I quit playing soccer my senior year of HS, I started to gain weight quickly. Being highly inactive playing video games coupled with a crappy diet, I started to dislike how I looked. Fortunately, I decided to make a change and put emphasis on exercise and eating healthy. I lost weight and started to have some confidence with who I was. I entered university with a desire to get involved and make friends. I did see some growth in that aspect. I tried to play on club sports teams but either didn’t make the team or eventually didn’t follow through. I made friends through my living mates. This helped slowly break down walls I built for myself to protect myself from being vulnerable. Yet I still had a lot of issues with social anxiety. Not having many friends and having no relationships up until that point made it hard for me to open up to people. I lied when people tried to figure out if I was a virgin — which I was until my senior year of college. I didn’t assert myself or try and be proactive about doing things.

I finished university with some confidence and some better friendships, but I still struggled with anxiety and loneliness. I still didn’t have a purpose or fulfilling friendships or relationships. After a year living and working at home, I moved out-of-state to attend graduate school where a friend was going. Initially after the move I still struggled with loneliness and anxiety. I found living with my friend to be toxic, no fault of his own, but being around him and his GF just intensified the loneliness I was feeling. Then came another opportunity for me to turn a corner. I got an internship in a field that I would truly love to find a career in. Not only did I find a purpose in work, I met a girl through the internship that I fell deeply in love with. Yet, I let my social anxiety and some other poor decisions strain both those opportunities.

I didn’t make the girl I loved feel loved and wanted. I didn’t expose myself because I was afraid I wouldn’t be good enough. I struggled to communicate because I was afraid of being rejected. Truthfully, I don’t think I knew how to care for a girl properly. I never experienced an expression of true love like I did with her (outside of my parents unconditional support). I struggled to release the fear of judgement of what others might think. This was made worse by us being coworkers as well.

The internship started great and I enjoyed every aspect of it. I did however struggle with the fact that my friend applied to for one of two positions and didn’t get selected. I felt some guilt in beating him out for one of the positions. This added to the social anxiety of working the internship and having the relationship with someone from work. This was a friend who asked me to try out for the golf team in high school. I most likely never would have been involved with the game if it wasn’t for him. I really struggled with the thought of not wanting to seem “better than him” by enjoying the internship and finding a girl I really liked.

Throughout the internship, which was full time plus some evenings and weekends, I held on to a part-time job I worked when I could. Initially, this was fine. The extra money was going to help finish paying for graduate school. During the middle of the internship when I was on summer break from school, I was offered to stay on for 2 extra months, but it was during school. I accepted the offer. Once school started, I attempted to maintain 3 graduate classes, 40+ hours at the internship and working weekends at the part-time job. I still had to fit personal needs and my relationship in there — I overwhelmed myself. I lost track of exercising and eating right which helped with confidence and anxiety. My relationship deteriorated quickly, although I had some red flag behavior early on. I ended the internship not on the best terms and missed out on a potential job opportunity.

Now I’m left with nothing. I lost my relationship and the opportunity for a job I found meaningful. I’m left feeling the depression, anxiety, and loneliness I’ve struggled with most of my life. I feel abandoned, rejected, and not good enough. I’m really disappointed that in a life full of regrets, I created more that I have to work through.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. It’s appreciated.

• This topic was modified 10 years ago by Sab.

Hello there,

I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with the term, but it’s become rather prevalent over the past several years, with the rise of social media. In short, it’s basically someone who portrays and/or creates themselves to be someone that they are not altogether (via Facebook, twitter, etc.) in the hopes of “ensnaring” other individuals. In either case, i’m quite sure I mildly experienced it last week…recently, i’d been trying some online dating with little success over the past few months, when I received a very flirtatious text message last wednesday. Instantly of course (as i’m generally a very cautious person), I responded by asking who it was, to which they in turn responded with a “never mind” almost as if they were playing hard to get (I suppose this could have been red flag number one, but my curiosity prevailed). From there, they continued to flirt with me, and even ask more personal questions, to which I would answer. They then oddly enough requested to meet with me that evening, but I had reservations. I told them i’d agree to it once they sent me a picture, one i’d never receive. The next day I followed up with the individual inquiring about the photo, they indicated that they had wanted to send me one but had “changed their mind”. We began to exchange further messages, to which I asked them who they were again and how they got my number, and they of course side stepped the question and sent more flirting text messages. Now, at this point the “novelty” had worn off, and rather than actually meeting, I was more interested in just knowing who it was I was actually speaking with, so I continued to play along. I was skeptical for the entire time we had been conversing, but I suppose a part of me was hoping this in some way was legitimate? So finally, they requested to meet me again, to which I responded only under the condition that you tell me exactly who you are and send a picture of yourself…they responded “my name is Kyle and I can’t send pictures on this phone”, I was absolutely floored. As a 100% heterosexual male, I was not even CLOSE to seeing it coming. Further more, in our conversation, everything discussed eluded to this fact. So having learned this, I indicated to the gentlemen that I have nothing against gay men, or gay women for that matter, but have no interest in men what so ever, and left it at that. He then made some telling remarks that I believe are somewhat important in retrospect. He indicated he was “sorry, he just wanted to see what it was like” how he “didn’t want to make me mad, just understand” and even tried to pursue me further when I said it wasn’t a big deal, saying “it is, I should at least try it once”…although not initially, you can imagine the mix of emotions i’ve experienced up until this point, foolishness, embarrassment, anger (but mostly at myself). Even though I never necessarily believed what was going on, it’s clear a part of me wanted to believe the “idea” in my head…and that my ego is mad for not being able to deduce the truth sooner…the fear/anxiety part of me says “what if they post the whole conversation on Facebook” out of spite or to try and humiliate me…but then a funny thing happens, and it’s why I mentioned what they had said earlier. If you look and listen closely…they’re an individual with very low self-esteem, and it’s sad really. So rather than getting angry at them, or pitying them, i’m doing my best to have compassion for them. Because in truth, the problem isn’t so much them, that i’m continuing to struggle with currently, it’s me. A little over 6 months ago, I got out of a relationship that turned my whole world upside down, co-dependency, perfectionism, lack of self-love, insecurity, and fear. Just about everything you can name came spilling out, that was inside me for the last 25 years. And although i’ve made significant progress, I think the recent mishap just continued to shed light, to shake me up possibly, so I don’t grow complacent…and let me know, I still have a ways to go (cheers)

Hello,

I am a 33 year old mother of two small children. I work full time and am also taking online classes. My commute to work is 1 hour one way and I also live over 2 1/2 hours from our family. Needless to say my life feels very stressed as of lately and I feel lost.

I feel like I am lost and don’t know how to fix the way I am feeling. My husband and I have great jobs and how two small boys who are the cutest things. Yet I still feel stressed, unhappy, anxiety and resentment. I have the hardest time making decisions and I used to be on top of getting things done around the house and errands, but now I all I want to do is nothing. I have gained weight and can’t stop eating unhealthy.

I had been taking depression medicine and seeing a therapist, but I am not happy with either. I just want to be happy with who I am and what I have accomplished in life. I feel like my anxiety and stress has taken over and am in this huge rut that I can’t get out of.

Any advice or tips on how to meditate and reframe my thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

StressedMomma