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  • #401261
    anita
    Participant

    Dear S K:

    You are very welcome.

    Rest of them made me feel like I committed a crime / I am loser” – (1) the aggression you escaped in the workplace (“yelling, mistreating, publically humiliating“) is the crime, not you leaving it, (2) you were in the process of losing your mental functions (“my brain and mind shut down“, etc.), so the losing was in staying in that workplace, not in leaving it.

    They said one cannot keep quitting over such reasons. I believe a life without a value system or ethics is a life very poorly lived. I believe no one should face such a situation at workplace” – no workplace is perfect and many are far from perfect, but yelling, mistreating and humiliating workers is not to be tolerated and accommodated. You can decide on your minimal requirements of a workplace, what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate.

    I would like to know though – what are the small every day actions / thoughts for positive affirmations that will help overcome anxiety? My struggle with anxiety and overthinking continues and I really want to learn to manage it” –

    – these are my suggestions: 1) If you don’ t have one already, form a daily routine that serves you well. Routine calms anxiety,  2) Make daily aerobic/ other physical exercise part of your daily routine, 3) Start each day with a Focusing Exercise: mine includes a few simple yoga postures. Warrior 1 and Warrior 2, are two such postures. I  hold each for a couple of minutes. Sometime during, I repeat to myself the word courage (intending to be courageous today), and a couple other intents for the day.

    4) During the day, when you feel that your anxiety level is rising, change something about what you are doing: if you are sitting, get up and walk around, take a break, listen to a bit of music, etc. (positive distractions from elevated anxiety),

    5) List people and situations that elevate your anxiety and either avoid them or change something in regard to them: learn, practice and improve your people skills, such as assertiveness skills and resolving conflict skills.

    You are welcome to let me know what you think about the above and I’ll reply further.

    anita

    #401255
    S K
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita, for your reply. You may be literally the 3rd or 4th person for positively responding to this move. Rest of them made me feel like I committed a crime / I am loser / I escaped or that I will never get a job now. Which is why I started wondering if I did the right thing.

    I understand their concern, but senior people, including my parents, my  previous bosses and even my counselor (the sessions are not helping at all), have said that we will keep meeting people like this in our life and we need to be strong and face such situations and not run away, like they think I did. They said one cannot keep quitting over such reasons. I believe a life without a value system or ethics is a life very poorly lived. I believe no one should face such a situation at workplace.

    I would like to know though – what are the small every day actions / thoughts for positive affirmations that will help overcome anxiety? My struggle with anxiety and overthinking continues and I really want to learn to manage it.

    Thank you!

    #401248
    Leaagain
    Participant

    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>Hi, I’m Lea. I’m 19. I suffered really traumatic physical and emotional bullying through middle and high school. I also suffer from abandonment issues- I have a whole thread on that called “I’m so scared of being hurt by others I have no one” basically- I have no friends, I’ve never dated, and the only family I have are my parents and little sister (12) I also have a lot of pets- three- no two dogs (I lost one of my dogs yesterday- had her since I was 4) and I have 24 cows (I also lost one this week.)</span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>My abandonment issues have affected every friendship I’ve ever had. I’m petrified of becoming dependent on someone then having them walk out on me for no reason. (People have before- my grandparents on both sides and childhood best friend of 10 years ghosted me) I’m also scared of people turning on me. (Had a friend in middle and high school who was good to me then started harassing me- I was pushed, kicked, hit, pushed, locked in rooms etc) and I had a friend in middle school whom I was very deeply close with and I confided in her for everything. One day she started fat shaming me, daily, and constantly. She was much smaller than me 5”0 tall and I’m 5”10 and very active and quite physically fit. So I was going to be heavier than her. But she didn’t get that. I started exercising to the point of exercising three times a day for a few hours each time. I even exercised on my bathroom breaks at school. It was bad. I got out of it after distancing myself from her) </span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>After that I was too scared to do anything with anyone in school or out- I still am to this day. What’s the point? Every relationship is so take take take- so one sided. Why should I even try? To fit in? Relationships have never treated me well and I’ve never benefited from any of the ones I’ve had (just learned some lessons) I purposely never went to parties in high school. I purposely skipped prom- i never high school dated- I always thought high school relationships were all about image and were so superficial. I didn’t go to my graduation party or anything- why? Basically everyone graduates what’s the point? </span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>I’m broken, needy, sensitive, moody, mentally ill- obviously and emotionally unstable. I don’t see any friendships or relationships in my future for a long time (until I get help). I would imagine it is going to be stressful, hard and because I have no self love or respect I’d probably attract someone who doesn’t love me or respect me. I’d be highly anxious and on alert that someone would just up and leave me. No matter how good I was treated because I had it good once and then I was left or treated horribly </span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>I swear I tried everything to appease people I knew/ was friends with. Nothing ever made me good enough. For a quick reference my personality type is INFP-T and I’m 84% introverted, 70% intuitive, 82% feeling, 86% prospecting and 83% turbulent. I have an OCD and general anxiety disorder diagnosis, but I suspect I have borderline personality disorder and ADHD as well.</span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>My question is, would it even be worth the effort to even attempt to start any type of relationship with anyone Friendship or romantic? I know it takes years and years of therapy to even touch these deep rooted behaviors and tendencies which unfortunately I cannot afford. How did you overcome learned traits from childhood trauma? Are there any individuals out there with abandonment issues that have or have had healthy successful relationships?</span></p>

    #401227
    anita
    Participant

    Dear S K:

    I am serving my notice period right now… I don’t know if I did the right thing” – in regard to your mental and physical health, I believe that you did the right thing for youself. I want to congratulate you for having served your notice today!

    I have witnessed (boss)  yelling, mistreating, publicly humiliating senior people in the team, which had such a deep impact on me that my brain…  Except a few, everyone else (including my previous boss) advised me against quitting this job so early, without having another offer in hand.  I still chose to go ahead and quit as I was overthinking a lot and that was affecting my mental and physical health.” – on paper, their advice may be a good advice, but in actuality: if you stayed in this abusive workplace, your mental health would have continued to deteriorate, followed by your physical health being affected.  In these actual workplace circmstances, quitting earlier than later is the right choice.

    Again, congratulations for going ahead and quitting!

    Of course, post-quitting, you’ll  still have to deal with anxiety because, like you shared, you tend to overthink, and you don’t have another job lined up. But you can find ways to manage it because you will not be exposed to the yelling and abuse by .. the boss from hell, if I may refer to her this way (?)

    Please let me know of your thoughts in regard to my reply, and if it’s of any help, I will be glad to reply to you further.

    anita

     

    #401198
    S K
    Participant

    I am a social sector professional and have been working since over 13 years now. 3 months back, I got an opportunity to join a brand that I had been aspiring to associate with, so I took it up. However, I recently quit the same, without having another job in hand. I am not a job hopper; however, I could not manage the stress and anxiety caused because of my boss’s poor leadership skills, lack of vision, unstable emotional behaviour, and unrealistic expectations. This toxic work environment has led to 14-15 team members (I am the 4th person in my position to quit within a few months) quitting in the past one year of her leadership.

    My boss handles multiple portfolios; however, the one that I fall under is least of her interests and priorities. She does not believe in team unity/bonding (within her function), collaborating with other team members without her consent, which affects the overall work quality and outcome.

    Although I have had a few direct, but lesser intense toxic encounters with her (probably because I am still new), I have witnessed her yelling, mistreating, publicly humiliating senior people in the team, which had such a deep impact on me that my brain and mind shut down every time of such an episode. I dreaded going to work every day, always afraid of being reprimanded for things that should be least of her concerns.

    While I was still managing to perform somehow, I was all the time confused, blank and stressed because of the lack of clear direction, communication and overall negative work vibes. Every one at the workplace seem to be working under constant stress and fear.

    I have been blessed with supportive parents and friends; however, except a few, everyone else (including my previous boss) advised me against quitting this job so early, without having another offer in hand. I still chose to go ahead and quit as I was overthinking a lot and that was affecting my mental and physical health.

    I am serving my notice period right now. While my workplace anxiety and stress have eased up a bit, I don’t know if I did the right thing. I know there is no looking back and I have to move on, but my overthinking mind keeps going back there and makes me wonder if I gave up too early, or if I took an impulsive decision. I am praying every day that I get a job and soon, but that’s out of anyone’s control.

    I am an extremely sensitive person, but sincere and hard working (or so my previous bosses have said). I have a tendency of worrying and overthinking during stressful situations. I don’t know why I wrote this post and what I seek out of it. May be – all I wanted to do was pen my thoughts and make an attempt to calm my mind. I want to stay happy and optimistic, but at the same time, I realise I need to stay strong and build the ability to deal with such situations and not run away from them. Can anyone guide how they dealt with workplace anxiety and stress at professional and personal levels?

    Thank you!

    #401099
    zenith
    Participant

    I grew up with her Anita.I have an elder brother.If he does something like that i can let go of him.But with my twin sister its hard.I feel sad when someone says that she is evil.My aunt says the same thing like she is jealous of you and trying to spoil your life and stuff.I always defend my sister saying that she has mental health issues.May be she has anger issues i guess.Anxiety and anger are creating havoc on her.I dont know why she is acting so crazy since the marraige thing started in the year 2016.She was scared to get married thinking that she will fail.

    #401010
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dreamer715/ Reader:

    I don’t read books anymore,and I don’t read non-fiction biographies because they are too edited, re-edited and polished. On the other hand, when a member in these forums shares their life story as it develops, it gives me a unique opportunity to read an unedited story and to learn something from it.

    Dreaming715: you shared your story over 57 threads, from February 2016 (age 27) all the way to July 2019 (age 30). Your grammar and spelling are perfect, as far as I can tell. I came across one typo once, that is all. Your use of lthe angauge is precise, skillful, disciplined. At one point you shared that you tried to publish your poems. I am not surprised that you have a great interest in professional writing.

    In this first post, I will go over what you shared in your many thread, your words are in boldfaced.

    In February 2016, you shared that you met a man several months before, a medical doctor half way through his residency, “I fell extremely hard for this person. He absolutely captivated me and made me feel excited about life again. He made me feel special and wanted“. Two months into the relationship, “he started to withdraw“, and eventually the relationship ended.

    I was just too head-over-heels and created something wishful in my mind that wasn’t really there… But here’s the reality: He doesn’t have feelings for me, he doesn’t want to see or talk to me, he doesn’t even want to respond to tell me he doesn’t want to see or talk to me… He’s literally indifferent to me. The past 7 months and time we spent together have meant NOTHING to him… This is possibly one of the most hurtful, one-sided experiences so far in my life“.

    In March 2016, you shared that after you mailed him a few things that he left in your apartment, and a polite letter that you wrote for him, he contacted you and asked to meet you for coffee. You agreed, but he canceled shortly before the meeting. Some days later, he texted you and suggested to have dinner together. “I should have declined. I should have ended it right there, but I didn’t. I had this fantasy in my mind that something between us was going to shift and he’d ‘proclaim’ how he really wanted to be with me“.

    During dinner he told you that he wanted to be single, and he said: “I think you maybe liked me more than I liked you“. You reflected later: “A rational person would probably hear this statement and be done with the person. Apparently, I’m not a rational person- I’m a desperate one. After hearing this I STILL made the decision to go back to his place with him after dinner. I STILL made the decision to be physically intimate with him even though there was no emotion there on his end (which kind of broke my heart even more)“.

    In May 2016, you wrote to me: “Anita: To this day, I STILL think about that post you wrote me! I’ve done a lot more critical thinking while talking to men and it has helped. I feel I’m more familiar now with signs that they aren’t interested (or if they’re saying extravagant things during the first or second time I meet them- that’s a red flag“.

    In June 2016, you shared that you met another man (you will later refer to him as “M”) through an online dating site, talked on the phone and “We decided to meet for coffee, which turned into a 10-hour long day together… He’s been texting me every single day… at first, I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high because I had lots of heartbreak in the past, I thought things like, ‘This might be too good to be true‘”… but before the second date, “naturally, his communication has taken a nosedive. I’ve barely heard from him“.

    Five days later, you wrote: “I think I did ‘jump the gun’ a little. He did end up texting me and we’ve actually hung out a few more times since that post. Things have actually continued to go relatively smoothly as we’ve continued to get to know each other. I think my insecurities got the best of me“.

    In a reply to you, I wrote: “This reminds me what my then therapist explained to me. He said two people are not always as close to each other; there is always motion: moving closer and away. Like planets he said. It makes sense as everything in motion, from electrons, atoms to planets. So, it must be with people too, always moving and that includes moving closer and away, closer and away”. You responded: “I’ve never thought of it from this perspective before. I’ll keep this in mind!

    In July – August 2016, you shared about M: “I’m not technically in a ‘relationship’ (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend), but I’ve been seeing a guy (I’ll call him ‘M’) for the past 6 and a half weeks… The first 5 weeks of us dating were great. He was consistent with keeping in contact with me between dates… I’ve met his younger sister and about 10 of his friends in social settings, and he did a few small things like give me a toothbrush/contact lens case to keep at his place… his communication in between dates has slowed down a lot“.

    I wrote to you at the time: “Maybe the pattern we mentioned in other threads is that you take yourself out of the equation of the relationship, as if you are a neutral party to it, not one to choose or judge. It is all up to him- he makes the rules, you neutrally wait for him”. You responded: “This is so spot-on. I was nodding my head while reading that statement. I think I also make new relationships too much of a priority and I stop doing things I enjoy (examples: yoga, painting, writing, cooking, trying new classes)“.

    Shortly afterwards, still in August 2016, he asked you how you would feel about him introducing you as his girlfriend from then on. You agreed, feeling “relieved, happy, excited, and even flattered because he’s someone I’ve grown really fond of“. You shared that he was emotionally reserved, something you didn’t like.

    In September 2016, you shared that M, your 3-months long boyfriend, was “very reserved” and “hot and cold“. You shared that you were living with two female friends/roommates, both in years-long relationships, and that you resented them. You were discouraged at the time: “I am not close with my extended and immediate family… estranged from my biological mother due to her lifelong drug problems, habit of disappearing from my life, and borderline abusive behavior… I used to pride myself on being kind to others, being a 100% emotionally and physically faithful in relationships… where did this get me? Nowhere… I feel like I don’t care anymore. I used to believe in karma. I no longer believe in that because it’s not adding up… when I try and practice a positive ‘good’ way of living, I get bad results. So what’s the point?“. At the time, you were considering moving “across the country to California and starting over“.

    In October 2016, you shared that you told your mother that you don’t want to talk to her again. You shared that she had a drug problem ever since you were 3, that your father divorced her and got full custody of you, that she went to prison and when released, she was in and out of your life. She stole your college and birthdays money, and recently (2016), she and her husband had new drug charges filed against them.

    In November 2016, you shared that you suspected that M, your boyfriend of 5 months, a Chartered Financial Analyst,  suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome, being emotionally unexpressive and very reserved.

    In December 2016, you shared that you (28) were afraid that M (31) will leave you. You shared that he is “thoughtful, kind, patient and extremely receptive” to your concerns, but you were anxious about not being good enough for him: not interesting enough, not making enough money to afford exotic vacation, etc. In my reply to you I wrote that your inherent worth does not require any action on your part. Your response: “I forget that me just being me is enough. I feel like I have to have impressive accomplishments under my belt, I have to live my life in a certain way, I have to attain certain possessions (a nice car, a nice apartment, etc..) <span id=”” class=”” title=””>Thank you</span> for the reminder. I’m going to focus on that tonight when I do a little meditating“.

    In February 2017, you shared that you were jealous of your roommate/friend because she just accepted a new job that would pay her $20,000 more than your job pays (you were working full time from home), she was moving into a luxury apartment building with her boyfriend and bought an expensive bedroom set for her new place, while your boyfriend was not ready to live with you, you were moving alone to a studio apartment and had to finance buying a sofa for your small place: “I’ve been working hard. I graduated college. I work hard at my job. I’m applying for higher paying jobs. I understand my boyfriend isn’t ready to move in and I have to respect that. I’m just so unbelievably frustrated right now. Just once I want to have that amazing, happy feeling of ‘This is exactly what I’ve been wishing for’“.

    In March 2017, you shared that you’ve been dating M for nine months: “We’ve been taking it slow. I’m trying to stay present and focus on enjoying what we have, as opposed to thinking ‘We should move in together’, ‘We should be talking about marriage’“. You shared that you’ve been living alone for the first time in your life, having moved alone into your studio apartement the month before, and that spending so much time alone, your anxiety increased, and sometimes depression as well.

    In April 2017, you complained about M: that he didn’t tell you that he loved you at random times, that he didn’t like having deep conversations, that he didn’t flirt with you when texting, etc. , and added, “I love my boyfriend and I am terrified that he will leave me“. You also shared that after making the decision to no longer talk to your mother back in October 2016, you didn’t talk to her  and she made no efforts to reconcile. You also shared that your younger brother was an active drug addict and that you were afraid for his life, being that he previously went into respiratory arrest following a near-fatal overdose.

    In May 2017, you shared that your heroin addicted younger brother has been charged with 2 felonies after being caught with possession of meth, and that he was homeless and jobless. You were very concerned about him.

    In June- July 2017, you shared that you were still heartbroken over a five-year relationship that ended 2.5 years earlier (2014), with a man with whom you lived for 4 years and were engaged to. He cancelled the wedding after you purchased a wedding dress and after a deposit was put down on a wedding venue.

    You shared that it was soon to be the one-year anniversary of your relationship with M, and that the two of you will be meeting each other’s family for the first time the following weekend, but you were unhappy with the pace of the relationship, thinking that you should have met each other’s family six months earlier. You were upset about him using the pronoun “I” instead of “we” when telling others about activities you and him did together.

    You also shared: “from the time I was a baby until now, my mother routinely abandoned me… disappear for days, weeks or months at a time… It is actually comforting to think that maybe the only purpose my mom served for me was bringing me into the world. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t know why I find comfort in that. Maybe it’s because it takes unrealistic expectations off of her. I know she’s never going to turn around and be mother of the year. She’s simply a biological component in my life“.

    I often deal with my fear of abandonment by self-soothing in negative ways. Examples: Overeating unhealthy food, seeking human connection through promiscuity, and…  staying out late and drinking with friends. While I don’t think these have severely de-railed my life, they do often make me feel bad and I should instead seek out healthier ways of coping. For example: yoga, writing, meditation, cooking healthy recipes, socializing without always drinking, etc.”.

    When I get insecure, I actually LOOK for “signs” that my boyfriend might want to leave me… I asked if he ever thought about us moving in together (even though we decided we would when my lease was up). I wanted reassurance. His answer was a very literal and to-the-point ‘sometimes.’ This answer wasn’t good enough to me because it showed no excitement. I told him this and he said, ‘Well I’m telling you the truth! We already talked about moving in together. I asked what our budget would be. I even looked at a few places online‘”.

    In August 2017, you shared: “I’m 28-years-old and every year of my life has seemingly gotten ‘worse.’ I know this is a dramatic thing to say, but hear me out. The high point of my life was from 18-23 (college years). Even though I was balancing a rigorous schedule and a part time job and completely broke- I was so HAPPY. Since then, I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness, gone through a major break-up (a broken engagement), been stuck in a job for 4 years and every interview elsewhere has ended in being declined, I currently live alone… I’m broke. No savings, no retirement fund, nothing…. I have been in a relationship for a year and I love my current boyfriend very much. He honestly has kept me going and encouraged me a lot. I’m afraid of losing him every day, but while we’re in each other’s lives, I’m thankful. I’m trying to find a counselor again. Just feeling lost and sad about my current circumstances“.

    In September 2017, you shared: “I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months and we are planning on moving in together when my apartment lease is up in 5 months. We have something really great going on, except I have a crippling fear that I’ll lose everything. I have abandonment issues that stem from childhood and I also have self-esteem issues. While I’m currently working on these, they still have their grip on me from time to time“.

    In early October 2017, in a thread titled Is this a huge red flag?, your original post in its entirety was: “I’ve been with my current boyfriend (he’s 32/male, I’m 28/female) for 1 year and 4 months. He told me a few months ago that he wanted to take the next step in our relationship and asked if I’d be interested in moving in together when my lease was up. We love each other and things are moving in a great direction, but there’s one thing.

    So he’s always been very independent and more on the logical vs. emotional end of the spectrum. We live a 15 minute walk from each other and only see each other about 4 out of 7 days of the week (on the days we don’t see each other we text). We usually spend Saturday night together (SOMETIMES Friday).

    I love him a lot and could spend time with him every single day. He has openly said there are nights where he does just want to be alone. Or last Friday neither of us had anything going on and I asked if he’d like company or to have a night to himself and he said a night to himself.

    Tonight I asked him if he ever feels lonely or just really wants more time together or if he ever thinks ‘I wish my girlfriend was sleeping next to me right now.’ He kind of admitted that’s he’s content with seeing me during the day and not necessarily spending the night together because he just sleeps better in his bed alone (but he’s willing to adjust this because he wants to move in with me and has never lived with a significant other before).

    I’ll be honest, I know he loves me deep down, but it’s a major buzzkill to essentially hear your boyfriend say he could take or leave sleeping beside you/your company.

    I believe he loves me and we’ve gotten closer the longer we’re together, but at this moment in time I don’t feel particularly ‘desired’ and ‘wanted’ on an emotional level after hearing that.

    What are other people’s thoughts?

    My reply to you at the time was: “no, this is not a red flag, not a small red flag and not a huge red flag. He is honest and straightforward about how he feels, what is comfortable for him, and what is not. This is a … huge white flag to me. When you move in together, over time, he may very well adjust to spending more time and more nights with you”.

    You did not post again on that thread, but 4 days later, still in early October 2017, you shared this in your original post: “It’s officially been one year since I talked to my mom (and I technically haven’t seen her in a year and a half). I told her I didn’t want to be in contact anymore after 28 years of her emotional abuse, neglect, and off and on abandonment.

    I think she may actually feel relieved that I told her I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. She hasn’t reached out to me to reconcile or apologize, which hurts, but I think being estranged is the healthiest choice.

    Sometimes I wish I had a mom though. One that would call me up, want to do ‘mother/daughter’ stuff, etc…

    My best friend gets happy hour appetizers every Wednesday after work with her mom. My boyfriend’s mom and sister are very close… I’ve never… ever experienced that. None of it. I feel very ‘alone’ in a sense. Just needed to vent a little and air the sadness I’m feeling“.

    In late October 2017, you shared in a thread titled Severe depression and upcoming birthday: “I’m currently seeing a therapist for several issues: depression, anxiety, childhood trauma, and abandonment issues.

    In 10 days it’ll be my 29th birthday and while I want to feel grateful and excited, I feel like I’m looking at life through a dark, dense cloud right now. A part of me isn’t sure what’s worth celebrating. I’ll be rounding out the last year of my 20s without the promotion at work I was hoping for, not engaged, not married, not a home owner, not a pet owner, and not a parent. Sometimes I wonder if I’m contributing to society or anyone’s life in a truly meaningful way.

    I do have a boyfriend and we are planning to move in together in 4 months when my apartment lease is up. We love each other, but he’s so independent that inside I feel I wouldn’t be a significant loss to him… I’ll admit if my boyfriend (we’ve been together for 1 year and 4 months) started talking about our future and potentially getting married someday I’d probably feel a little more ‘excited’ or ‘hopeful’ about the future because it would mean there are doors of opportunity ahead of me. We may get married. We may get a dog together. We may move to a new city that we love. We may want a family together someday“.

    In late November 2017, you shared in a thread titled ‘Object constancy’ issues in my relationship (following is the entirety of your original post):

    I’m a 29-year-old female and have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. I’m currently in therapy for childhood trauma and abandonment issues. One of the things I’ve struggled with is object constancy. Object constancy is a developmental skill toddlers and young children learn. When they’re separated from their parent/guardian, they eventually develop a sense that even though that person isn’t in sight, they are still there and they can depend on their return. Since I had severe abandonment issues as a young child (my mom frequently leaving without warning and being left alone for periods of time, etc…), I have issues with object constancy.

    What I’m dealing with is the inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of my immediate field of vision. I think their absence is a sign that they’re going to leave or that they don’t love me anymore.

    So, how is this affecting my relationship with my boyfriend? If he doesn’t initiate a good morning text or initiate a text later in the day I start to get anxious that he’s losing interest in me or it’s a sign that he’ll leave me. I try to remind myself that he tells me he loves me, that we have plans to move in together in three months when my current lease is up, and that he just booked a vacation with me two months from now.

    I HATE having issues with object constancy. It feels like my brain is broken and it doesn’t understand that someone can love you AND not be in constant physical or verbal communication with you.

    Someone please help =(. I could use any tips, insight, or encouraging words on how to overcome or cope with this“.

    In December 2017, you shared that your heroine addicted and severely depressed younger brother was in jail for drug related charges. You were planning to visit him in jail on Christmas Eve, but he lost his visitation rights after getting into a fight with another inmate. You were very supportive of him, and very concerned.

    In January 2018, in a thread titled My self worth is depleted after a broken engagement, you shared again about your 5 year relationship that ended with a cancelled wedding three years earlier. You ended your original post with this question: “In a world of wealth, models, people with exceptional health, exceptional talents in art, etc… how can I possibly feel like I’m good enough?

    In early March 2018, you shared that 10 years earlier, at 19, you moved four hours away from your hometown where your parents, step parents and four younger half siblings still lived. You shared that you were still estranged from your abusive biological mother, that your father and step mother never called you and only texted you on your birthday, that they never saw your first apartment, never offered to help with moving, that you visited them, they never visited you: “I recently went on vacation to Miami for the first time with my boyfriend, as a parent wouldn’t you be interested in hearing about the trip?… Or ask how their job is going? Or randomly check-in because you haven’t heard from your child in three weeks and maybe want to make sure they’re alive?… I think even though I’m an adult, deep down my younger self is still looking for validation, love, and reassurance from them. And I think they view me as a capable adult who doesn’t need those ‘childhood’ things anymore“.

    In late March, you shared that you were living with M. You posted the following in a thread titled Long-term boyfriend and I not on the same page with settling down: “I’m a 29-year-old female and my close friends are all either 1) engaged 2) married or 3) have kids. I’ve been with my 32-year-old boyfriend for about 2 years now and we moved in together a couple of months ago. Everything is going well, but I don’t feel like we’re quite on the same page of life yet.

    He said he is committed to a future with me and wants to get married, but not yet. He wants to enjoy our new apartment together and just live life for awhile… I asked my boyfriend about getting a dog together and he said he would like that, but again not quite yet“.

    In April 2018, you shared that you didn’t see your father since Christmas and that you talked to him only once since because he said that he was so busy with work. Unrelated, you suggested  to your best friend to meet for dinner or brunch and she said that she was busy, “If I didn’t initiate plans with my friends, we would literally only see each other once or twice a year. I’m feeling a little resentful… I don’t know if I see the point in sustaining relationships where I always have to initiate contact anymore. I also often fantasize about moving to the other side of the country and ‘starting over.’ I kind of just want to get away from all of these people because I often feel lonely and hurt”.

    Still in April, you shared in another thread titled I can’t stop crying: “I love my boyfriend more than I can describe, but he is not ready to get married ‘yet.’ We’ve been fighting a lot lately about me pressuring him. Whenever we get into a fight he says ‘Ok, do you want to go look at rings?’ to appease me so I’ll stop talking about it. I tell him I only want us to do that when we’re happy, not in an emotionally unhappy state.

    Tonight when I told him my best friend got engaged he said, ‘Are you okay? Do you want to go look at rings?’ I calmly told him I’d like him to do it on his own, unprompted, out of genuine love and wanting to do it. The he said, ‘Alright, well dont say I never ask you.’ He said it not in a loving tone, but like he just wanted to get ahead of me so he could check off an ‘I brought up something marriage related’ box. (He did later admit this was true.)

    He’s told me many times to just trust that he’ll eventually get there and enjoy what we currently have together… I’ve waited my whole life to experience this with the person I love and am committed to. I want to start our ‘official forever’… I want to be married and experience everything that comes along with it more than I can describe, but now can I just be happy with being on a normal cohabitated relationship?

    In late May 2018, you shared that you and M were not yet engaged, that you’ve been talking about getting married sometime in the near future, and you asked the reader, parpahrased: how can I trust my boyriend to marry me when my ex of five years, with whom I lived for 4 years, told me that he loved me, proposed marriage and then cancelled it?

    In June 2018, you shared: “I’m a female and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We currently live together and have met each other’s families. He’s 32 and I’ll be turning 30 in several months.

    I love him very much, I feel that we’re compatible and have the same values.

    Our issue is that I want to get married and he doesn’t want to get married yet. He says ‘I’m the person he wants to marry… he just doesn’t want to yet.’

    This subject has caused us so much pain… to the point where now there’s resentment. I told him that I’m trying to understand his need to wait, but it honestly feels like ‘a slap in the face.’ If he’s so sure about me like he says, then why wouldn’t he be more excited to marry me?’… From a cultural stand-point all of my close friends are now engaged or married. Even my sister who is 5 years younger than me is getting married in 3 weeks and I’ll be the ‘oldest’ sister standing up in the wedding without a true commitment to my relationship with my boyfriend (i.e. an engagement)… My biological clock is ticking… I’m unhappy because we have no plans to get married (and quite frankly whenever I bring it up I see the frown on my boyfriend’s face, the forced conversation, and the promises he makes just to keep me happy… I feel so sad that my boyfriend looks at me and is content with just calling me his girlfriend and I’m not someone he’s jumping at the opportunity to marry because he’s so excited about a future with me.

    Maybe all of the talk and pressure is making him not excited for a future with me.

    I feel like withdrawing and emotionally “checking out” of the marriage stuff. He said he wanted to take me to look at rings on Sunday… but it doesn’t feel natural. It feels forced and he doesn’t have passion and excitement behind it. It’s almost like a chore so he can check it off the list to keep me off his back.

    I can’t win in this situation. There are only two viable options: 1) Accept that I’m not getting married anytime in the near future and wait OR 2) Leave him… and 2) isn’t an option. I don’t want to leave him because I love him very much and have invested in our relationship.

    So this brings us back to acceptance. I’m going to be 30. I’m not going to get proposed to or married anytime in the near future. It’s important to me, but it’s also important to him to wait until he’s ready (whenever that would be) and for me to stop pressuring him“.

    In July 2018, you shared that you had four close friends but they were too busy to meet with you: busy with their work, marriages, home ownership and kids. You added: “I have an extremely loving boyfriend who loves to go out and do things and we’re planning on getting a puppy this fall. I think the puppy will really help ease the loneliness.

    Honestly, hitting 30 is a tricky age because for me it feels like all your old friends are too busy and making new friends is super hard because they’re all too busy too… My counselor said to join a group that meets regularly (like a yoga class or book club) and getting a pet will also be helpful“.

    In August 2018, you shared: “I’m a 29-year-old female and I’m struggling with never feeling good enough. What I mean by that is I feel I could always look more attractive, be more successful, be more creative, be more social, etc… I wish any of my poems had gotten published, but they haven’t and I’ve kind of given up on that. I always dreamed about what it would be like to tell people a poem I wrote had gotten published in The New Yorker…. I’m lucky I have a boyfriend who says I’m ‘great’ and I am ‘enough,’ but I don’t want him to just have a girlfriend like that.

    I want him to be with someone who has huge achievements, like: published writing, a high earning career, a highly advanced yoga practice, someone who volunteers every single week, and someone who looks amazing (and isn’t constantly trying to lose a stubborn 15-20 lbs)“.

    In September 2018, in a thread titled I never feel “good enough”, you shared: “I’m a 29-year old female and have been with my 33-year-old boyfriend for 2 years. We live together and I have an issue. I have severe abandonment issues from adolescents and I’d love to hear how to resolve feeling jealous of my boyfriend’s friends. Yes, it’s that ridiculous and bad. I got jealous this weekend because…  he wanted to leave on the afternoon on Sunday and go to his friend’s house to play video games and then watch a football game… I have this unrealistic ‘romantic’ idea that my boyfriend would be like ‘I just love you so much that I want to spend every second of this weekend with you because our time together is that important to me.’

    I feel like in the heat of the moment my brain starts not making sense and it’s convinced that he’s leaving because his friends are more fun to hangout with in general and that it’ll happen more and more to the point where every single weekend we’re working our schedules around what his friends are doing“.

    In October 2018, in a thread titled Female frustrated with bf in the bedroom, you shared: “I’m a female (29) and I’ve been with my boyfriend (33) for a little over 2 years. We live together and overall things have been going great, except I’ve identified an issue in our “intimacy”/private life. I think I’m a very giving person… possibly too giving. I don’t think he’s been very reciprocal… I also feel very hurt when I initiate and am turned down. He usually says he’s tired… I love him very much though and he’s extremely giving in other areas of our relationship. He’s also loyal, kind, accepting, funny, patient, and understanding“.

    I asked you or suggested that you located this problem recently, and you responded: “you’re correct Anita, this is a fairly recent thing“.

    Later in October, in a thread titled My mom is a pathological liar, you shared: “… She also lied about other things, mainly her substance abuse issues… lies about my brother… her money situation… literally everything. I feel in shock because I don’t know even know for sure what was true and what wasn’t while I was growing up. I feel like our whole relationship was one big a lie and I don’t actually ‘know’ who she is.

    To be honest this all has contributed to my trust issues and it’s made me question my own reality. When you think something is a certain way for years only to find out it wasn’t real it kind of messes with you.

    What honestly gives me chills is how believable she was and how ‘honest’ she sounded all those years. All the while I didn’t know she was lying straight to my face“.

    In November 2018, you shared in a thread titled No physical intimacy on my birthday: “It was my 30th birthday yesterday (female) and my fiancé who I recently became engaged to (male/33) were not physically intimate on my birthday… like at all. We’ve been together for about 2 and a half years and while he did plan a very beautiful elaborate birthday celebration for me last weekend, I’m honestly feeling hurt that we didn’t have sex on my actual birthday. We actually both had the day off, slept in, I got my nails done, he went to the gym, and then we got dinner… so I was shocked when we were getting ready for bed and he just said ‘Well, good night!’

    I feel guilty because he’s been amazing in so many other ways, but we do have our moments in the bedroom. I told him I felt disappointed he didn’t initiate anything with me today and he said ‘Oh! I wasn’t sure if you wanted to- we can do it right now?’ But the feeling wasn’t there for me. I just felt hurt. I told him this and said that special occasions like birthdays I would really like us to make an effort to be physically intimate with each other and he agreed“.

    In January 2019, you shared that M, your fiance, with whom you were in a 2.5 years relationship, was watching a lot of basketball games of the Bucks (an American basketball team) on  TV. You wrote: “I’m starting to feel like our relationship isn’t a high priority and have joked to him a couple of times that I wished he got as excited about me as he does about the Bucks. Also if a game is on and I start talking to him he’ll be half listening and half watching the game and then a big play will happen and he’ll say ‘Sorry! That was a huge play! What were you saying?’

    We talked and he said he’ll start to watch less games and cut it down to maybe two games per week, but even this seems to make him sad“.

    In May 2019, you shared about M being a huge fan of Phish, an American rock band: “My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and will be getting married next year. He’s loyal, patient, loving, and supportive (both emotionally and financially in our relationship)… recently I noticed several months back that my fiancé tweeted on the day that he proposed to me: ‘I took my gf to her first Phish show last night. She liked it, but said her favorite song was ‘If I Could.’ Don’t know if I should be impressed or sad.’ (Sad meaning disappointed.) I asked him what he meant and he was apologetic and said it was a bad attempt at a joke amongst his fellow Phish friends. Apparently he thought I may have had bad taste in their songs… I’m still hurt and a little angry about this because this is the first time I feel like he directed something kind of mean-spirited toward me.. Am I overeacting? He apologized and deleted the tweet… but I do think he was feeling cheeky and intended to make fun of me”. 

    Four days later, you posted: “After several days and a few discussions with him, I’ve concluded that I did blow it out of proportion. He is a great guy… I’m currently in therapy for childhood trauma and abandonment issues and have an estranged relationship with my drug addicted mom… I think all of that mixed with a dose of anxiety and depression has led to fear-based responses and being overreactive. It’s a good thing that I actually have a therapy appointment today“.

    A day after the post above, you shared that on two different occasions you found out that while you were away from the apartment (exercising at one time and shopping at another), M watched porn and masturbated. You were upset, thinking that he preferred watching porn over being with you, “He says it means nothing, and it’s just an easy and quick release… there’s less physical activity involved, and there’s no pressure to perform… He said it’s like a habit he’s had since he was a teenager“.

    In July 22, 2019, you posted for the last time- here in this thread titled Afraid fiance and I aren’t compatible in bed: “I (30f) have been with my fiancé (33m) for 3 years now. He’s an amazing man. He’s financially responsible, kind-hearted, he loves to try new things, and he accepts and loves me just the way I am.

    The only thing I would change about him is his attitude and actions toward sex. Our sexual relationship started out like most do- new and fun. But over a few years I think I’ve realized that he doesn’t really “get pleasure” in making sure I’m satisfied. We’ve had many talks about this over the past several months and it’s still be difficult…. He has tried to make some changes here and there- which is great. I can tell he’s making an effort. But it honestly feels like I’m watching him complete a chore. He says he enjoys it, and maybe he does, but I’m not sure that it excites him…I’m worried because I love him so much and I really do want to marry him, but I’m starting to realize our compatibility issues in the bedroom.”

    – Next post, in a day or two.

    anita

     

    #401005
    zenith
    Participant

    I feel like i will get an anxiety attack because of this name calling and shaming.I did let my sisters blame game effect me.Now its mothers turn.I seriously cant take this.I already feel i am not good enough.How do i show them my pain that thier words are effecting me🥺

    #401003
    zenith
    Participant

    I know if i go to India she will look down upon me and it will be a blame game.I am concerned about my mother.She has anxiety and high blood pressure.You know right how  it affects a humans health.My mother has recovered and she is fine.Now my sister is into depressive mood and now she is venting out to my mother.I dont know how my mother will handle this negativity.

    #400991
    zenith
    Participant

    Hi Anita. I was just looking for bpd online and all the traits exactly match my sister.Ofcourse i am not diagonising her with bpd.But its hard to accept that we both are victims of my father emotional neglect.I couldnt stop crying since yesterday feeling bad for my sister.Atleast i have a good husband to take care and who helps me with my emotions.My sister is still stuck at my home with my father.She cant live independetly.She is so emotionally dependant on my mother.After lashing out at me she comes back to me and apologises to me and feels guilty for it.May be seeing my mother like that she couldnt handle it.The fear of losing my mom made her extremely anxious and she couldnt handle the situation.So she  lashed out at me for not being there for her.I have my own visa issues and we are moving to new home so i couldnt go.This time she wont even come back to me because she thinks i am money minded.Here i am dont know how to face interviews and dont know how to set boundaries with ny mil.My sister is also stuck with not able to face challenges of life.I hate my father to the core for not being there for us emotionally.I remeber i had a small cut on my hand when i was a teenager when i told him about it he literally laughed at me instead being kind to me.He never ever taught us how to face challenges in our life.He himself couldnt face instead humiliate us and my mother due to his incapability.I dont know why such people get married.Do you think i am going into victim mode when i am blaming my father.My husband has such a good father and he is very emotionally connected to him.Now i understand why husband is confident and doesnt panick when facing challenges.I feel its hard to reparent and teach yourself on how to increase self worth and self trust.But still i want to do it because i dont want my daughter to go through the anxiety i am going right now.My sister is an amazing person anita apart from her anger issues she is kind,loving and caring.May be the  childhood neglect has caused the anxiety and anger issues in her.She is going to therapy for working on childhood issues but not sure about the anger isdues.I think her divorce made the issues much deeper.Its very easy to judge a person but its really hard to understand why they are doing it.I am not going to sympathize with my father never ever.I never saw kindness in him and he is a liar.

    #400964
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    As you know (you do know, I hope!): I am not a medical doctor, or any kind of doctor, nor am I a mental health care professional of any kind, so of course I am not diagnosing your sister. I brought up the possibility of bpd (which you considered before I brought it up: “I used to thin she might have bpd“) because the more you understand your sister, what motivates her behaviors and what to expect from her in the future-  the better able you will be to choose how to interact with her, or if to interact with her.

    She thinks she only have anxiety” – people wth personality disorder are unlikely to consider that they suffer from a personality disorder. If you brought it up to her, I very much doubt it that she will consider it. (Maybe you already brought it up to her).

    Don’t you think it’s just anger issues or it would be bpd?” – from your descriptions over time, looks to me that she has very serious anger issues, serious enough and chronic enough to rise to the level of a personality disorder. She is also very impulsive and displays self-harm behaviors: banging her head (against a wall?) and pulling her own hair. Severe impulsivity and self-harm behaviors are indicators of bpd. Like I said, you can read about it online or in books on the topic.

    When she gets anxiety attack or becomes stressful, she lashes out” – this is what bpd people do.

    anita

     

    #400962
    zenith
    Participant

    When my mother wasnt well and asked my sister  about how is she doing.She spoke to me  in a very disrespectful way.Than again she did the same thing again on 4th day.I told her to talk to me politley and she told me she is not being too harsh and told me to pit with it.Sometimes she blames it on inadequate sleep or periods.When i get anxious/anxiety attack i dont lash out but i cry out of hopelessness.When she gets anxiety attack or bceomes stressful she lashes out.

    #400961
    zenith
    Participant

    Even i used to think she might have bpd.She thinks she only has anxiety and stems from her childhood issues and divorce.I am not sure if the divorce happend due to her issues.Her mother was way too intrusive and her husband wasnt supportive too.I know many women stay in such marriages.But my sister doesnt have that patience i guess.May be  overreacting to his mil/husbands judgement.I dont know what exactly caused her divorce.But her mother in law for sure was very intrusive and disrespectful towards her.She even disrespected my parents and told lot of lies before marriage.She stays in  a small town.I am not sure if she ever will get diagnosed with bpd.Most of the therapists says its just anxiety.There is no proper psychriatist to evaluate in my home town.Dont you think its just anger issues or it would be bpd ?

    #400959
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    It takes a lot of time and work to stop feeling guilty when we are used to feeling guilty. It takes a lot more than saying: this is false guilt!  But it’s a start.

    Your father terribly hurt you, your brother, your sister and your mother with his repeated blaming and lashing out in anger. I grew up with a repeatedly blaming, angrily lashing out mother, and I know how damaging it is to be exposed to this kind of behavior.

    Your sister is your father’s victim and she is your victimizer, as well as your mother’s and others.

    Let’s look at your sister behavior as you described it in your recent post: “She lashes out at my mother and aunt… Her mood changes very fast… overreacting to things. Her anger and sadness both are extreme” – put together with previous descriptions, it looks like symptoms of borderline personality disorder (bpd): “a pattern of Unstable, intense relationships… Wide mood swings.. intense happiness, shame, irritability or anxiety… Inapppropriate intense anger”, the mayo clinic.

    You can read further about bpd from various sources. Suffering from this disorder can explain why she got divorced so quickly even though it is such a taboo in Indian society. Women displaying the symptoms of bpd don’t stay married for long (not in a living-together situation) because they can’t- no matter who the husband is. They’ll lash out at a good husband, make the man’s life a living hell.. blame him of course, and then blame everyone else…  when it is her behavior that brought about the divorce.

    anita

    #400953
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    Sometimes I feel like she might harm herself” – if by harming herself, you mean that she might commit suicide, neither I nor anyone else can predict if a person will choose to do that. But I think that what would discourage her from doing so is that she knows that if she is not alive, she will not be able to see and hear and feel how you (and others) suffer.

    I suggested in the previous post (and before, I believe) that you end all contact with your angry, punishing, guilt-tripping sister. I suggested that it will be better for your mental health and for your daughter and husband (to have a calmer mother/ wife).

    But I do know about guilt: the thought of ending contact with her feels distressing because of the guilt, right?

    And so, if you ever choose to end contact with her (and I hope you will), dealing with your false guilt will be part of it. I say false, because like you said in the second sentence of your recent post: “I am not responsible for her anxiety and difficulties in her life”!

    I am sorry that you were sexually abused, and I am sorry that your sister has been emotionally abusing you for so long. I am wondering if she fitsthe symptoms of histrionic personality disorder: “feeling uncomfortable when not in the center of attention.. excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions”, psychology today. Do you think?

    anita

     

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